Broken

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Tragedy of a mothers loss.

Submitted: January 26, 2017

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Submitted: January 26, 2017

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What started as any other day, became the worst day of my life. I'll take you back to the beginning...

My partner an I grew up together, although he always had "a thing" for me, I could never see him that way, in fact the mere sight of him annoyed me growing up. It wasn't until we left school and hit the ages of 17 & 18 that anything more than a hello was said between us. He was the bad boy, kicked out of school, numerous girlfriends. I was the complete opposite, shy, had a good group of friends but nothing more, studied as much as I could. You could say we are the definiation of a good girl falls in love with the bad boy.

Years go by, we began talking.. talking turned into meeting up, at a takeaway where he worked of a night as a delivery driver. He would make me pizzas, we'd sit and laugh, I really got on with his boss who didn't mind me coming to sit with him and go on deliveries with him. Where we live there isn't really much to do so this was one way to kill a night of boredom.

Things soon blossomed between us, and before you knew it I was living at his parents with him. 18 and in college, he'd bagged a full time job at this point and we were looking at our own home together. A few months later I realised my period was late. We were both extremely nervous, both our parents had us young, we knew it would kill them to see us do it to ourselves, but we were stupid and unprotected, we should have known better. We bought a pregnancy test. 2 in fact. I sat crying in the bathroom, he sat on the end of the bed in the bedroom.. when those 2 lines appeared I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I came out of the bathroom and he knew straight away. We got the dreaded tell the parents issue out of the way, once reality sunk in, and everybody accepted this is happening we began to become extatic about having a baby! We would argue boy or girl, argue about names and about what type of house to raise him or her in. 

a few week go by and we make it to our first scan. It was all a lot to take in, the blood tests, the questions, the height and weight measurements and a lot, and I m ALOT of peeing in cups. But finally we go into the scanning room.. that's when we first saw him.. our baby boy. I cried. My partner shed a tear, we heard his little heart beat. It was so strong, he was a very active little boy in there, bouncing around on the screen. 11 weeks 5 days she said I was, so still to early to tell us the gender. We stared at those pictures alll day, we couldn't believe that little baby was inside of me, half me, half him. We made this life.

im now at 16 weeks, getting bigger each week, it was definitely time for maternity clothes. No more skinny jeans, out come the belly bar. I was definitely starting to feel this pregnancy and I couldn't wait to feel his first kick! Today is the day we have our midwife appointment. So off we went, measurements done, more peeing in a cup, then the best part there is.. listening to his heart beat. It was a beautiful sound! I panicked at first, I could swear there were two heart beats but the midwife was quick to point out it also picks up mine.. (yeah I went red duh I'm an idiot). Everything was perfect. Life was perfect.

4 more weeks pass and we had a chrsitening to attend. I cried all morning that nothing fit me, moaned I was starting to struggle to put my shoes on, my boyfriend meanwhile can't help but laugh at my mood swings, especially when ever he brought apple sauce into the mix. I CRAVED jars of apple sauce by this point, loved it. Couldn't get enough of the stuff. Off we go to the christening. It was a lovely church, lovely company, and a beautiful party afterwards. About an hour into the party, my day that started out normal was about to become the worst day of my life, that's when the pains started.
I collapsed.
i woke up in hospital, or should I say the car park to my boyfriend panicking trying to get me out of the car and into the hospital as quick as he could. He eventually got me in and admitted to the a&e department. They did some tests, bloods came back low levels of the pregnancy hormone. I started to panick. I was to early to feel movement but surely I would know if something had happened. Wouldn't I? Wrong. Nothing could prepare me for this.

Taken up stairs to quiet room we waited what seemed like hours for an on call midwife to examine me. First a quick feel of my tummy, then a measurement tape, then came the scan. I couldn't see the screen, I just kept my eyes on my partner who was sat at the end of the bed and his eyes were not leaving that screen. Straight away I knew. I could see his eyes starting to fill up, but him holding it in as hard as he could he did not want to break down in front of me. On gaining a second opinion, we sat there motionless, speechless, unable to wrap our heads around what we had just heard.

"I am very sorry miss, but we are not picking up a heart beat, I'm afraid your baby has passed away"


Those words ran through me like a lightening bolt. I froze. 

My boyfriend was sat uncontrollably sobbing. I was sat so still, almost figure like. No words. No tears. Nothing.

We were taken to a private room where my boyfriend managed to make a few phone calls to our parents. Within 10 minutes all 4 were at the hospital with us as the nurse and midwife explained the options of what had to happen now. 

We decided it was best to wait a few days as it was coming up to my sisters birthday before we went back. I was given a few pills to take in the meantime to help speed up the process of delivery. Yes I was 20 weeks gone, I still had a baby to deliver. A baby that would be born sleeping. I still had to put my body through and intense labour. 

The day arrived quicker than I hoped. When we arrived we were shown to our room, at. Which point the midwife inducing me handed me a mountain of paperwork to sign. Autopsy papers, do I want him tested to see what happened. Of course we ticked test everything. Do we want pictures, foot prints, hand prints. Of course we ticked all boxes. Once the paperwork was out of the way the process began. I won't go into the details but it was hard, there was a lot of crying, a lot of pain felt by everyone including the nursing staff. But he was here. Our boy. Our beautiful angel. He was the double of his dad, down to the eyebrows. Everything about him looked so perfect, so peaceful. 

Now I'm finally home and healing. Plenty of company so I'm not alone, plenty of chocolate and goodies to keep me going. Flowers, cards, you name it, it was gifted, sympathy and apologies. All I wanted was the funeral over and done with and to go back to normal. 

We had a beautiful funeral, our boy was in a tiny white coffin, with a silver plate with his name on top. The ceremony was beautiful. The music was beautiful. With close friends and or family to support us. We couldn't have asked for a better send off. 

This story is a true story. It is my story. A mothers greatest love became a mothers greatest loss. Each and everyday I am thank full that I have gone to have 2 beautiful and healthy little boys. Forever in our hearts will our angel stay. Sweet dreams my beautiful son. Love mum.


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