The Narcissist

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I want to share my experience with people, so if they are having a hard time in a relationship, they can learn faster what is unacceptable from a partner. I am only 19 and have had this happen to me, I've allowed it to continue long after I knew it was wrong. I am not claiming to have been bashed purple and blue, what happened was mostly manipulation and verbal abuse. I hope someone sees this and finds comfort and strength in it.

Submitted: January 26, 2017

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Submitted: January 26, 2017

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The Narcissist I finally know what you are. A week ago, you told me to write all my frustrations down so I will. The last time you ended our relationship, on your terms, I spent weeks looking for answers and wondering what I could have done better. My frame shrank, I was withdrawn and unfocused, finding myself staring off into space with a frown, not sure what I’d been thinking. It was not until I opened up about your actions behind closed doors, over a few drinks with my sister and saw the look on her face when she revealed you were an abusive partner that I even realised you had done something wrong. Everyone has some of these traits. I myself am ashamed to say that I acted this way with my first partner in my mid-teens, putting him down in offhanded ways and overreacting on purpose to make sure he would not make the same minor mistake twice. Seeing how far I could push him, threatening to break up when I did not get my way. And I always went back because I knew he’d have me. That experience and subsequent instances of being treated badly made me realise I could never be that person again. I suppose that is why I made so many allowances for you. You and I spent a year together. In that time, you swayed back and forth between being a charismatic gentleman, the life of the party, to being a begging, insulting and increasingly aggressive person as it suited you. In that time, you took money claiming it as a loan. You threw every personal thing I ever told you back to hurt me. You did your best to be unfaithful, or at the very least, have other options on hand whenever I wasn’t acting the way you wanted me to. You told me horrible things about all your ex-girlfriends, friends and family to excuse your own behaviour, only tell me they were my own assumptions if I brought it up again when they had something to offer you. You started with towering over me when I said something you did not like, to grabbing, pinning me down on the bed, first by the wrists, then by the neck. With threats of violence, your fist raised above my face. If I cried you’d tell me to be quiet, I’m overreacting, or you’d keep hurting me until I was shaking with panic and shame. If I yelled back or defended myself you’d change face in an instant and apologise, crying and telling me you could not control yourself. I only realised later it was when no one was watching that you could not control yourself. When I did not want to be intimate, you’d sulk and say I did not love you anymore until I’d give in. Or you’d become aggressive and tell me I had to leave. When I tried to leave you said I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere and blocked the door, fists clenched. There was one instance when you chased me down the street, and pulled me back by my backpack “come here you little cunt”. You drove me to become unsociable and depressed, with no life of my own because you claimed my family did not like you ‘for no reason’. You’d guilt me out of seeing friends and when I did you’d be on the phone constantly, when I didn’t answer you say you were freaking out and wanted to come get me. When you were out I wouldn’t hear from you until the next morning. When I needed you because I was scared I’d hurt myself you yelled at me that I was being selfish, told me you’d had it way worse and left me alone in the middle of the night, taking one of my cigarettes with you. You blamed all your problems on me and ‘my’ decision not to have our child. You forced your way back into my life a month ago with promises of mental growth through therapy, apologising for everything, taking responsibility and claiming not to remember most of the things you put me through. You showed up outside my house, unwelcome. I did not trust you but gave you a chance, frustrated and guarded as I was, I told you multiple times I didn’t want you in my life, pointing out that you made me unhappy and angry. You insisted on staying, telling me you deserved my anger and you would stick through it until I trusted you again. As soon as I began to accept you, you withdrew, making me feel helpless and desperate again. I didn’t know at the time but you were regaining power. Suddenly I was the one apologising, asking for a chance because you told me my behaviour changed your mind, overnight. From telling me one day that I was your best friend to telling me I was annoying you and hanging up every call the next . Every time I accepted it was over you’d turn around and tell me you thought we were half-joking. I found out you’d been lying about another girl, only for you to convince me it was my fault I wasn’t told, because I would have overreacted. You drove me mad and confused until I agreed we could try once more. The next day you were distant again, meeting me was a chore. You withheld affection and told me I was annoying and over reacting when I asked what was wrong. I told you I didn’t want this anymore, tried to leave and you followed me down the street, yelling abuse. You realised you’d lost control of me. Drunkenly I retaliated and said hurtful things back, until you had your hands around my throat again, only for a second, I suppose you forgot we were in public. I screamed at you to “fuck off!”. You walked off only to come back and calmly say to me ‘I’m smarter than you, I got everything I wanted out of you.” And then I snapped. I punched you. I wanted it all to stop, to show you from 5 ft that you, a ‘man’ at 6ft 3 could not intimidate me anymore. You smiled and wanted to talk it over, I left. The next day I apologised, you trained me well. I wanted to talk it over and see if we could work it out. You said you were ok and needed a few days to calm down, but we’d talk about it soon. It was not until I confronted you about the girl you had her over in the middle of the night an hour after I’d left your house and we’d agreed to be exclusive, that suddenly what I did to defend myself, the ‘mosquito bite punches’ that you initially laughed off, were not ok with you. It was my fault once again for ending the relationship I did not want. And if I came near your aunts’ house again to ‘threaten and throw my weight around’, you’d have me arrested. I’ve felt guilty on and off the last few days. It’s still not ok to use violence and I should never have retaliated the abuse you gave me. If I had just walked away instead of talking back, your game with me would have ended a long time ago. Today I spent a lot of time reading about people who’ve had similar relationships and came across the term ‘narcissist’. Particularly reading about narcissistic disorder. You are trying to blame me once again for everything being ruined, even your budding relationship with the assumedly unaware girl. You’ve made it clear that if anything else goes wrong or you hurt yourself that is also, my fault. I know your main source of will to live is knowing that you have had a huge effect on someone’s life. You know you will never be successful and famous from the lyrics you create with material of making other people’s lives miserable. I know you like to think of yourself as a dark storm, dramatic and exciting that people, women in particular, will remember with a longing, a rush, wondering ‘what if’. When in truth, you will be remembered as the kind of night where one’s kept awake from a relentless mosquito buzzing, the kind of night that frustrates a person into yelling ‘fuck off!’ to a creature that they know is doing the only thing they can to survive and does not understand human emotion. Annoying. I wrote this partly to get it out of my system. Partly because it made me feel somewhat relieved when I read about other people’s experiences. Being involved with a narcissist, your mind starts to warp. You start acting like a different person and believing what you are told. For a long time, I thought it was ok because he did not take a swing at me or draw blood, the most ever were small bruises on my arms. With this mentality, it was easy for him to make everything my fault. I didn’t realise how much he’d changed me until weeks after he’d left. I went from being a calm, healthy girl to an angry, puffy eyed, panic attack ridden insomniac who couldn’t eat unless he was happy with me. If this sounds somewhat like your situation, do some research. Even if outsiders tell you that your partner is in the wrong, and you should leave, it can be difficult when they do not understand exactly how lovely and manipulative a person can be. The good times with my partner were happiest I’ve ever had. And then he’d hurt me and break me down subtly to make sure I’d doubt myself and he always had control. As you read through some websites you’ll feel understood. Some things that stuck out for me were; extreme idealisation of the father figure, misogynistic behaviour, thinking one’s godlike and above repercussion, and everything bad ‘happens’ to a narcissist, they believe they are unlucky. Never engage in a narcissist’s behaviour, walk away and watch them follow until they find someone more forgiving and empathetic. Above that, do not blame yourself and allow them to continue making you feel worthless. They are weak, sick people who feed off other people’s love and pain. Their lives are exhausting and they never have a stable source of love and care because they self-destruct all relationships for no reason other than that it makes them feel powerful. It gives them a short-lived feeling of self-esteem, like a drug, because they believe at least someone longs for them, no matter what they do. They have no personality of their own. Extreme narcissists are shapeshifters who briefly take on an identity to achieve basic needs that others earn, but they can never really enjoy their achievements because they aren’t capable of those kinds of emotions. Sad.


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