seeing for the first time

seeing for the first time

Status: In Progress

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Details

Status: In Progress

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Summary

i'd worked here the summer before - the money was good. i'd matured since then, had some new experiences. i knew this time around it would be different - i had a goal in mind and i wasn't about to let anything get in my way. no office bitchiness, no drama was going to come in my way. i was here to earn my bit and i'd be gone in the fall. i knew the in's and out's of the business - how everything and everyone worked. i had it all planned out - that's until he walked in. he was so far from what i expected yet everything i needed. he introduced me to a different way of life - a more spiritual path - one where i knew freedom like never before. it started and ended so quickly but like they say - you never know how much of a good thing you have till it's gone.
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Summary

i'd worked here the summer before - the money was good. i'd matured since then, had some new experiences. i knew this time around it would be different - i had a goal in mind and i wasn't about to let anything get in my way. no office bitchiness, no drama was going to come in my way. i was here to earn my bit and i'd be gone in the fall. i knew the in's and out's of the business - how everything and everyone worked. i had it all planned out - that's until he walked in. he was so far from what i expected yet everything i needed. he introduced me to a different way of life - a more spiritual path - one where i knew freedom like never before. it started and ended so quickly but like they say - you never know how much of a good thing you have till it's gone.

Chapter1 (v.1) - 1

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 29, 2017

Reads: 40

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 29, 2017

A A A

A A A

What captured me first was his eyes. I know its cliché but they told a story. They were an icy grey landscape. Completely void of emotion. If you looked hard enough you could see a sliver of light around his iris, I guess it was his silver lining. The sign that there was still hope. His eyes told me 100 secrets, yet in that moment, he’d not spoken a word to me. His aura was an air of mystery that shrouded him. Who knew eyes could be so expressive. They looked like shards of glass, stormy grey skies, ocean waves crashing against the roughest rocks. They seemed like they were eroding away at me. A full out war was raging on in those eyes – a complete contrast to his unusually calm exterior. He was an enigma. To somebody looking hard enough, it was obvious he was hiding behind an impenetrable wall he’d built up for himself. I was looking hard enough. The walls he’d built up were so well constructed, no cracks or seams, it was the perfect guise. I knew from the moment he sat down, I wanted to know everything about him that there was to possibly know. He’d mastered a flawless smile. The right corner of his mouth lifted up showing a glint of tooth. In a different scenario he might have looked like a shark but in that moment he looked like a cheeky school boy.  That one comparison was enough to tell me that there was more to him. From the moment he sat down, he was analysing everybody at the table. Taking mental notes, getting first impressions. From that moment – everybody in that room was sitting a test – one they were completely unaware of. A test most of them would stay oblivious too as long as they knew him. His calculating gaze flitted between the 5 of us, landing on me and just like that his eyes moved on. The skin on his face was stretched over strong cheekbones and a chiselled jaw. Tiny specks of stubble covered his jawline. He had a weathered quality to him and salt and pepper hair to match. As if he’d faced his fair share of adventures. The world had taken its toll on him, that much was obvious. He was ruggedly handsome – what had once been a polished exterior that had seen the luxuries of life was now exposed to the unsympathetic world. It had been stripped of its opulence to reveal tiny irregularities on the skin surface – each one with its own story. His face was a beautiful canvas, one the world had painted, was still painting. He was well built, broad shouldered and of average height – the fact that he was proportionately filled out made him look taller – more imposing. He wasn’t overly muscular or well defined. He wasn’t like one of those guys you saw in the movies. Physically he was just a man. Strong forearms lined with veins led to smooth clean hands. The first time I met him I was excited, frightened, calm but mostly I was moved. I just knew that he was going to be important in my life. I didn’t know who he would be or how he’d be part of my life but right then I was sure he’d be part of it somehow. It wasn’t until 4 months later when I walked away from him that I realised exactly what he’d meant to me. It wasn’t until the reality set in that I realised exactly what he meant to me. It wasn’t until the reality set in that I realised what I was losing. It wasn’t until we had to go our separate ways I realised how I felt. The bubble we’d created around us had completely engulfed us. I’d forgotten about the rest of the world at the end of those 4 months. I’d focused all my energy on those 4 months, I’d forgot the rest of the world existed. I’m one of those people who was blessed as a teenager to have every perfect fairy tale moment. My life had moments meant for movies and memories made for story books. If I had been a stranger looking in, I would have been envious. Envious of the timely perfection of every moment, of the materialistic resources at my disposal. Envious of my moments. But me? I was just grateful. I took every day as it came, I never sat back and looked at my life but when I realised how green others were because of it – I began to realise how much I had to be envious of. He was one of the items of envy – even by those closest to me.

I’ve always been a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’. I still am. I don’t believe in coincidence, never have, never will. To me, the principle of cause and effect makes perfect sense. I don’t take life at face value – I’m a perfectionist – I like to know everything. I like to take apart life at the seams and explore and understand it. When I take an interest in something, it has my full attention until I figure it out. When he walked in with his stormy grey eyes and perfectly calm exterior, I was immediately curious, naturally. I wasn’t too sure what I was going to achieve from this experience but I knew it’s what I wanted to do. I’ve always understood the importance of family but it seems like I was the only one who did. So soon after, I gave up. I refused to dedicate my time to people who didn’t appreciate it and didn’t add to my life. Apart from my parents and my brothers, I was a ghost to the family. I was there enough for them to know I was still alive. I only interacted when spoken to or sought out first. I realised my friends held more importance and I made them my priority instead. In a sense that was my biggest regret yet the best decision I’d ever made.

 

The friends I had started the job with were girls I had spent the last 8 years of my school life with. they were almost extensions of myself. We were a slightly odd grouping but when you spend 12 hours a day together 6 days a week it wasn’t an issue.  These girls knew me better than I knew myself, they were my lifelines. In this situation, they were what kept me afloat. That summer could almost be explained in a single analogy. It was like when you go cliff diving for the first time. When you stand on that giant precipice looking out at the most beautiful view of the sea. When the sun is so dazzling you squint with both hands shielding your gaze from its intensity. The fear you have in that moment – when you realise how far up you are and your brain goes into overdrive weighing up all the pros and cons of the decision you’re about to make. When the sounds of your body are deafening in your ears – when you can hear every time you swallow and the feeling of utter dread from what you’re about to do. All those feelings at the top of that cliff was how I felt when everybody warned me against him. Every single story I heard about him was negative – nobody had anything good to say. There were warning signs everywhere I looked – I mean I saw a lot of them – those million reasons to stay away from him, to keep him at arm’s length. But all I was looking for was that one reason to stick around – to take his mind and to know everything about him. I don’t even know why – at that moment all I knew was his name. he was my cliff and he had me on edge.

The main event is the dive itself – when you throw all your cares to the world and hope for the best. When you leave the outcome to higher powers that be. That moment where nothing else matters because you’ve already accepted it. That moment when you give into complete freedom and freefall into that deep blue mystery. Choosing to be friends with him felt like that. When I ignored every single warning that came my way – when I knew I was taking the biggest risk and hoping and praying it paid off. The freefall, when for those 20 seconds that seem to last an age you’re freefalling past every other choice you could have made but instead you close your eyes, open your arms and embrace what is to come. He made every moment feel like a freefall – a decision – a risk. He made me feel like I was freefalling through life. From the moment I woke up in the morning till the moment my head hit my pillow every night. He even appeared in my dreams and made them exhilarating. He was a breath of fresh air. Everything was an adventure with him. He was like the high from a pill of ecstasy. The adrenaline coursing through your veins – he was the dopamine being released in your brain. He was a good time. Jumping off that cliff felt like that with him. He made you forget everybody else. Time with him was intoxicating – it seemed our time together was never enough. It was like an addiction and we always needed our next hit. But nothing good ever comes from an addiction.  Every long summer day seemed too short when I was with him – it was like a never ending dive off that tall cliff. Nothing had ever given me that feeling before. But the freefalling doesn’t last forever – at some point we all have to come back to reality, we all have to come back to solid ground at some point. Unfortunately, the descent isn’t as graceful.

The surface of that ocean seems to arrive too fast. And instead of being a breakable surface – the closer you get to that ocean that looked so beautiful at the top of that cliff, the more you realise the surface is iced over and the view from the top was a deception and the water underneath was below freezing temperature. The whole time it was an illusion – the sun had created the illusion of a beautiful sea when really it was just a reflection of the cold sky above. When your inches from that surface you realise how far you’ve been the whole time. It’s in those moments that you have to gather every coherent thought that’s going to save you from what’s about to destroy you. When the time came closer to leaving him – I was torn between decisions. The closer that icy surface came, the slower my brain worked. My heart and head were on opposing teams and I knew what was coming. It’s at that precise point fear sets in and you realise the weight of your decision. You realise that when you break through that sheet of ice, the water is going to puncture your body like 1000 tiny knives. It’s going to engulf you all at once and somehow you’re going to have to survive it. It’s when your fight or flight instinct kicks in. the last night I spent with him was my icy surface and when I hit it, I faced my reality. He’d said so much to me that evening and all I remember the most vividly is those last moments.

There’s something about drunk people, they’re so intoxicated that all their barriers come down. They’re vulnerable and in his case – honest and expressive. I loved him drunk – he lay himself bare in that state. He hated PDA but that last evening he was different. His arm stayed snaked around my chair, shoulders, arms the whole night. Our thighs touching. Mine clad in sheer tights while his emanated heat through the thick material of his denim jeans. As the night had gone on, our arms had slowly entwined. By the end of the night our fingers were laced together. I would never admit to him how protected I’d felt. When we walked out of the restaurant that night and towards the carpark, I knew it would be the last time it would ever be like this. I knew this would be the last time for a long time I found somebody who understood me. We ambled on the side walk, my arm around his waist to stop him from swaying and his around mine because that’s where he felt comfortable. The sound of car horns, the bright lights of the city and the people around us seemed to be a blur. Nothing was more important than that moment. Maybe because we knew it would be our last one. I’d had a lump in my throat for days but it was so pronounced I couldn’t even speak without the feeling of my voice being choked. Goodbyes were always tough. They meant having to turn your back on a part of your life. As we stood there on that cobbled drive, with those street lights piercing the night sky, I remember just wanting to cry. I wanted so badly to breakdown and ask god why I had to make this decision. Why this decision couldn’t include him. I guess I just wanted to hold onto him a little longer. He’d spent the whole night praising me – in fact when I think back to it he praised me continuously through the time I knew him. He told me things every girl wanted to hear but the timing was all wrong. The thing is, when you know him, you know it’s so unlike him to do that. For him to be so raw and open in that moment made my heartache. If I’d let him, he could have sold me on a different life but he was adamant I go. He wanted me to go and make something of myself that wasn’t in those 4 walls of our work building. I knew I needed to. His chin rested on the top of my head as he told me he’d never met anybody like me, he told me I would be more powerful spiritually than him. He spoke with so much conviction. As he clutched me tighter to his side he told me he would miss me and how it wouldn’t be the same for him. And then just when I thought that was it, he did the most uncharacteristic thing till date – he told me he loved me and with quivering lips, he kissed my forehead. In that last embrace were all the unspoken thoughts. There was so much emotion from 2 such emotionless people poured into that embrace. Once we let go we knew that was it. With a small smile I watched him walk away from me. Cigarette in one hand he stumbled blindly backwards till he reached the main road. Once he crossed over and got in the car, I turned around and dragged my feet to Rose’s car. I was so glad she was dropping me off home – I don’t know what would have happened otherwise. My mind was so gone. I was in a dazed state for the rest of that night. I was just going through the motions. For a long time, everything seemed void of life after that night. I needed to refind purpose but nothing hooked me in. those first few weeks away were the hardest. When an addict decides it’s time to call it quits they go through the phase of experiencing withdrawal symptoms. The memories of summer had me curled up in a ball on my bed rocking back and forth trying to hold back the flood of tears that was to emerge any second. Overtime I became numb to it – it was just a constant dull ache in my mind. I decided if I didn’t think about it, it couldn’t affect me. When I left, I changed. I was no longer an extrovert, I decided that wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I learnt detachment and it changed everything. It changed every relationship for me but after being hurt like that – I never wanted to feel like that again. 


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