am i in love with a "gay"?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
is it possible for "gay" people to be attracted to the opposite sex?

Submitted: January 29, 2017

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Submitted: January 29, 2017



Am I in love with a “GAY”?

 It’s almost 5 pm here on my clock. I normally go to sleep at this time. It’s too early yet I know, but I just want to get more sleep than having less. I don’t want to get sleepy at work. And so I developed this habit of lying already in my bed when it hits 5 pm. I love reflecting if not reading books just to get me to sleep.

This time, I am thinking about you. I really cannot explain it to myself why I started to think about you. There are times that even if I am busy, you still manage to enter my mind. I imagined about us being together. It’s weird that I’m already building a character of you as my partner in my mind. When you did not come to work last Monday, I felt really sad and disappointed. I didn’t know that you’re on leave. I am so excited to see you again, and yet, you did not show up. You did not know how I prepared to go to work that day. I made sure that I look beautiful and sexy. This is really weird to me. I don’t know what is going on with me. I really like you for no reason at all or maybe I did not realize the reason yet. I’m hoping that you have feelings for me too. And if you like me, can you consider me?

Aside from the fact that you’re gay, like really gay, you also have negative behaviors that I hate from a guy. But I still want you. My feeling for you is so strong that I hardly noticed these flaws.  I know this is not new to me. I have felt this way before too, but I manage to overcome and get over it. I wish that this is just temporary and just like in the past; I will soon get over it. I am thinking that maybe if I won’t see you for long, I should be able to forget this craziness. I don’t even know how this started.

Is this an attachment? I don’t think so. I think we’re not this close for me to say that it is an attachment. We don’t even talk that much except for those coaching sessions that we had which obviously, related to work. We never had any serious or chatty conversation as well. 

The truth is, I don’t know what to say to you if we get the chance to chat exclusively. I don’t know anything about you and I think we don’t have that much in common that we can talk about. What are we going to talk to if in any case, though? I’m still willing to know you personally if you would like to. I would like to hear what you are going to say about me, how you see me and what you think about me. I am actually wondering if you somehow like me at some point.  I know that you just find me funny because I am so annoying and crazy. I tend to act immaturely and cracks jokes all the time. That’s just really me. I think it’s already part of my personality to be so importunate and perky. Most people that I’m used to and get closed with will see me this way. But I have some serious side too. In fact, I am very reserved. I just prefer not to talk about my issues and problems. Life is so serious and emotional.  I chose to make it funnier.

It’s okay with me if I look like stupid and crazy in front of our team. You like putting me in a hot seat in front of them. The good thing is, we laugh and everyone’s happy. It’s one of our bonding time and funny moments with them. But the joke of me liking you is true. You may think it is a joke because I normally say it in a not-so-serious way in front of them. It actually came from the heart. It’s me directly telling you that I like you. I’m enjoying it especially when you ride on with my craziness. They are enjoying it. You must have seen the spark in my eyes whenever we are goofing around. I even wanted the people on the production floor to know about it. Hahaha. I get crazy sometimes that I can do foolish things. I can do silly things to get you to come to me if I want to. But of course, I’m not this teenager anymore.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can commit to you given the chance. In all aspects, I think I have a problem with committing myself to something. What?? (I know, right? I have a big problem). Now, I’m really confused.  It’s sad that because of this, I am limiting myself not to be too close to you or I might end up having difficulty forgetting you. I don’t want to start creating a fire if I know that I cannot uphold it.  I told myself not to pay attention to you and pretend that you don’t exist. 

I just realized how foolish the plan was. I’m actually making it too difficult for myself. I feel incomplete for not teasing you within the day. It feels so heavy inside. I just don’t understand why I’m into you.  I cannot even accept it to myself. The painful thing is that you don’t even care. It’s totally nothing to you. Though, I understand because you don’t know anything about my sentiments. I don’t know if you still think that I’m making fun of it.

I'm surprised to feel pain and get hurt seeing you acting in a gay manner and flirting with guys. I should know that you’re already a gay since you became my direct supervisor.  I really got hurt when you posted a picture in our group chat with a guy in a room which I later learned was your cousin. I was also sad when there was a “dress your team leader” contest in the office and the team wants you to wear a gown. Laugh! Am I overreacting?

I don’t want to think that you don’t like me at all. You don’t know how I look forward to seeing you every Tuesday shift. Because we have different rest days, I only see you three times a week. I even know how many minutes or hours that you’re late. I just wanted to sit beside you and talk to you, but I couldn’t.  I’m like pretending that you don’t exist, but I actually wanted to hug you. For now, it’s enough for me seeing you around and throwing jokes at you. I was hoping that you would fulfill your promise to go on a date with me if I perform the previous months.  That did not happen. I know it’s a joke. Of course, you will not do it, you’re a gay.

I remember the first time we went out together with some of my teammates for a drink. That was a day before your birthday. You asked me why I like you.  I really don’t have the answer because I cannot explain it to myself either. It hurts me when you said you can only appreciate it. Seriously? I don’t know why I feel bad hearing it. Nevertheless, I respect it. I just don’t understand why I am feeling this way with you.

When I was transferred to your team, I did not have any feeling of affection towards you at all.  I also did not think I would come to like you romantically. I just found out about this feeling when we had our team building in Shercon, Batangas. I already noticed the awkwardness whenever I’m close to you. I felt bad when you went to sleep that night when we are supposed to be enjoying our team building. So I asked Chesser (one of my close friend in your team) to go out and enjoy the cool breeze outside with a drink. We set up the table and opened the “Emperador light brandy” just the two of us outside. Our teammates seem to be tired because most of them just slacked around. When they saw us outside, they joined. From where I seated, I saw you upstairs comfortably sleeping. I felt that my mood suddenly changed as if I have lost my appetite. At that exact moment, I already knew that something was not right.  I was able to confirm it when you came down and joined us after 2 hours. Interestingly, my energy came to life. That’s where the joke of me liking you came up.

Why do I like you? Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure this out since then. Is it because you’re funny? But I don’t like how you crack jokes. It’s sometimes offending. Is it because you’re smart? But I feel like you have favorites among your agents. It’s obvious that you choose whom you want to talk to. My point is- I’m aware of these negative behaviors that I see in you.  It’s weird that I was never offended and turned off. 

You already know how vocal I am with my feelings towards you. The whole team knows it. I noticed that it is deeply growing every day. It’s one of the reasons why I decided to resign. I don’t want to reach its peak where I cannot leave you already. It surprised me that I cried because of you. Yes, I really cried. (It’s funny!) It hurts me that you did not even bother to ask me why I am resigning. It feels like I’m totally nothing to you which is true. It’s crazy, I’m crazy!

You may be laughing out loud if you’ll come to know this truth. It’s crazy, right? You did not know how I struggled for this. I cannot imagine how possible it is for me to be attracted to a “gay” person. Have you been attracted to a girl before in your life? Do you think that is going to happen?

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