The Donahues Episode 261

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
As Donald J. Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States, Ethan Donahue and Irville Satch are sworn in as city councilman and Hansbay Mayor respectively, and Mayor Satch must learn how to balance his campaign promises with political reality. Ryan and Depraved Hallway Fern hire two new members to replace Chance, and they go to a Battle of the Bands in Boston

Submitted: January 31, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 31, 2017









“For too many of our citizens, a different reality exists. Mothers and children, trapped in poverty, in our inner cities. Rusted out factories, scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation”

  • President Donald Trump


(We start with Ryan, Kimberly and Luke watching President Obama’s farewell speech on television)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Maybe you still can’t believe we pulled this whole thing off. Let me tell you, you’re not the only ones. Michelle.


(The camera cuts to Michelle and Malia Obama, as people cheer. The camera then cut to a close-up of President Obama’s face as he looks at his wife and child admiringly)


RYAN: What’s with these soap opera close-ups?


(Kimberly is tearing up and holding on to Luke)




LUKE: Shhhh. We’ve still got ten days of him, don’t worry.


RYAN: You should worry.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Michelle LeVaughn Robinson, girl of the south side. For the past twenty-five years, you have not only been, my wife and mother of my children, you have been my best friend.


RYAN: I half-expect a soap opera villain to run in and get a dramatic close-up-oh, there it is!

(Cut to the TV, which is depicting a man in a top hat and thin mustache grimacing as the camera zooms in on him)


LUKE: No, Ryan, that’s just Rahm Emanuel.


RYAN: Oh yeah. (Cut to several days later. Ryan is walking towards University Inn with bags of his stuff. He walks up the stairs, and heads to his dorm room. He opens the door to his dorm room and sees that nobody’s in there. He throws his bags on the bed. He sees a picture of Donald Trump hung on the wall) Jesus. I know Blaine supported Trump, but I didn’t know he loved him THAT much. I should check something, actually. (Ryan walks over to Blaine’s closet, and opens it. He sees a KKK robe on a hanger. He looks towards the camera and makes a silly, surprised face and says the following in a Scooby voice) Roh!? (Ryan closes the door) Now that I think about it, I probably should’ve had a stronger reaction to that. Hell, he’s not back yet. (Cut to Ryan rubbing his nuts on Blaine’s desk) That’s right, fuck you, fascist. (Cut to Ryan on the balcony outside of his room at University Inn. He is about to light a cigarette, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He places the cigarette behind his ear, and his checks the phone number. It says “private”. Ryan furrows his brow and answers it) The fuck is this?




RYAN: I don’t care if you kill me or not, I’m not paying that money back.


(Cut to President Obama sitting behind the Oval Office desk on his office phone)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: No, Ryan, I don’t want any money. Except for tax money!


(President Obama laughs)


RYAN: Who is this? You sound like Obama.




RYAN: Horse shit. Who is this?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Ryan, I am actually the President of the United States Barack Obama. I’m calling you because, well, I’ve done a lot for your family, whether it’s pardoning your dad, or rescuing you from terrorists, and I just wanted to say, thank you for all these years of support. It’s been an honor to serve as your President.


RYAN: If you’re really Obama, say something only Obama would say-




RYAN: Holy shit, you’re Obama.




RYAN: Jesus, Mr. President, I-I-I think you were a disappointing President who served mostly to preserve the status quo and cater to corporate interests, and yet, I am so very honored that you called.




RYAN: Sorry. I have to keep up rebellious appearances.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I get it. Listen, this call was meant to be quick, I have a lot of other major supporters to call.


RYAN: Wait, are you trying to get a favor out of me because you rescued me and pardoned my dad?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: What? No. Why would I need a favor from a 21-year old college student?


RYAN: I could buy your daughters alcohol.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why would I want that?

RYAN: I don’t know. Listen, it’s really an honor that you called, Mr. President. As much as I oppose you, I’m going to miss you, considering the person who’s replacing you.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Despite that, I have never been more optimistic about this country’s future.


RYAN: Ugh. I hate optimists. Goodbye, Mr. President. Thanks for rescuing me and stuff.




(Ryan hangs up. Pan over to a car pulling up to University Inn. Alan gets out. Ryan smiles and runs down to hug Alan)


ALAN: What’s up, man?


RYAN: I’ve missed you. (Ryan lets go of him) Are you living here? With me?


ALAN: No, I’m living in an apartment, buddy, you know that.


RYAN: Do you wanna kill my roommate? There’s a coffin-shaped pool we could drown him in right over there.


ALAN: What’s so wrong with him?


RYAN: I found a Klan robe in his closet.


ALAN: Ruh-roh.


RYAN: That’s what I said, basically!


ALAN: Just file for a room switch request.


RYAN: Yeah, I will. In the meantime, though, let’s go to dinner.


ALAN: Do you have a cigarette behind your ear?


(Ryan takes the cigarette out from behind his ear)


RYAN: No, that’s a joint of weed.


(Ryan throws the joint on the ground)


ALAN: You’re not usually one to waste weed, Ryan.


RYAN: Let’s just say that, considering recent events, I no longer give a fuck.


ALAN: You didn’t give a fuck before.


RYAN: I give even less of a fuck now.


ALAN: Alright. Let’s go.


(Ryan and Alan get in Alan’s car. Cut to Ryan and Alan sitting across from one another at a diner. Ryan is drinking coffee, and Alan has a soda)


RYAN: So, guess what?


ALAN: I’m back at school?


RYAN: No, we already talked about that.


ALAN: Not really.


RYAN: Okay, fine, let’s talk about it real quick. I’m glad your back, man. Alright, now, guess what about my thing?


ALAN: What?


RYAN: Catherine and I are back together.


ALAN: Oh my Gosh. Good for you guys!

RYAN: Thanks. We never should’ve broken up to begin with, to be honest.


ALAN: Are you gonna marry her?


RYAN: …What?! Come on, man, it’s way too early for that talk.


ALAN: Dude, she’s already thirty, right?


RYAN: Yeah, I mean, she’s turning thirty-one this year.


ALAN: Yeah. She doesn’t have much time to lose, she probably expects any relationship she’s getting into to be, potentially, the real shit.


RYAN: No way, she’s thirty and works at a Whole Foods. She sometimes forgets she’s old enough to buy alcohol. No joke, she’s never opened a bank account. Plus, she’s already been married before. Why would she want to do it again?


ALAN: Even if she doesn’t want to get married again, she probably isn’t just messin’ around, man. She probably wants to know that this could go for the long haul.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Maybe you’re right. She does always lament how old she is.


ALAN: See?

(The waitress comes over)


WAITRESS: What would you guys like?


ALAN: I’d like a cheeseburger, please. Fries on the side.


(Waitress writes that down)


WAITRESS: You, hon?


RYAN: The usual.


WAITRESS: Got it. No food, endless coffee, and a white noise machine. (The waitress puts a white noise machine on the table) Glad you’re back, Ryan.


(The waitress walks away)


ALAN: Why the white noise machine?


RYAN: It helps me clear my mind. And it wards off the gay bikers that always approach me in here.


ALAN: Hmm.


(Ryan sips his coffee)


RYAN: How are things on your end?


ALAN: My mom and dad are getting back together.


RYAN: My God, what a disaster.


ALAN: I know.


RYAN: How’d they break it to you?


ALAN: They sat my sister and I down in the living room and just, said it. Then they tried to console us as we cried and cried.


RYAN: Were you consolable?


ALAN: I was. But Jocelyn was not.


RYAN: Sorry, man.


ALAN: It’s a’ight. Life goes on.


(Ryan sips his coffee, and Alan sips his soda. The waitress comes by and puts a burger in front of Alan)


WAITRESS: There you go, sweetheart.


ALAN: Thanks, Tina.


TINA: It’s good to have you back too, Alan. But you should watch what you eat, friend.


(Tina walks away. Alan shrugs)


ALAN: At least I eat.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: She’s great.


ALAN: You know, all your talk about Catherine makes me want to get a girlfriend.


RYAN: You had a couple of flings over the winter break, right?


ALAN: Yeah. But it’s been a long time since I was in a serious relationship.


(Alan takes a bite of his burger)


RYAN: You know, I have a girl I can set you up with.


ALAN: I don’t want one of your weirdo chicks with the nose rings and the stapled shut pussies.


RYAN: That trend didn’t last long. It became more of a zipper thing.

ALAN: Yeah, I don’t want some girl having the option to zip my penis.


RYAN: Shouldn’t be in there if you don’t want it zipped.


ALAN: Yeah! So I won’t!

RYAN: Your loss.


(Cut to Anella straightening Ethan’s tie in their apartment. Ethan’s head is turned, as he watches the television. There, President-elect Trump is standing on the platform at his inauguration as Melania Trump, Vice President Pence and Chief Justice Roberts stand by. President Obama, President Clinton, President Bush, President Carter and Secretary Clinton are also looking on. Trump puts his left hand on two bibles that his wife Melania is holding)


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. (Trump raises his right hand) “I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear”.


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: “That I will faithfully execute”.


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: That I will faithfully execute.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: “The office of President of the United States”.


ANELLA: Oh, Christ.


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: The office of President of the United States.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: “And will, to the best of my ability”.


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: And will, to the best of my ability.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: “Preserve, protect and defend.”


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: Preserve, protect and defend.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: “The constitution of the United States.”


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: The constitution of the United States.




PRESIDENT TRUMP: So help me God.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Congratulations, Mr. President.


(Chief Justice Roberts shakes President Trump’s hand as the band strikes up and the crowd begins cheering. Ethan screams involuntarily)


ETHAN: Sorry. I couldn’t help it.


ANELLA: Wow. Donald Trump is the most powerful man on Earth.


ETHAN: Motherfucker. Why couldn’t have Roberts screwed up the oath THIS time?


ANELLA: And why didn’t those bibles burn his skin off?


ETHAN: So now you’re religious?


ANELLA: Mike Pence is Vice President, it’s basically law now.


(Cut to Ryan, Oleander, Michael and Catherine watching President Trump’s Inaugural speech on a laptop in a Winnebago)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Chief Justice Roberts. President Carter. President Clinton. President Bush. President Obama. Fellow Americans, and people of the world, thank you!

(Catherine wipes away tears from her eyes)


RYAN: I know, Catherine, I know, it’s historic.


CATHERINE: That’s not why I’m crying.


RYAN: I don’t know why else you would be, this is completely normal.


(Cut to Madeline, Sophie, Bryan and Peter watching the President’s speech in the waiting area of the cryotherapy clinic)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington D.C., and giving it back to YOU, the people.


MADELINE: Oh, since we’re back in control now, why don’t WE take your daily national security briefings for you? You know, because you don’t seem too interested in doing it.


PETER: Give the guy a chance, he’s only been President for two minutes. He’ll get right to work, as soon as the weekend is over.


MADELINE: Presidents don’t get the weekend off!!


PETER: Whoa, calm down, snowflake.


MADELINE: Don’t do that.


PETER: I didn’t realize you needed a safe space, geez- (Peter takes out an apple juice box) you need a juice box?


MADELINE: Why are you even here?!

PETER: I broke our TV with a baseball.


(Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi, and his fellow soldiers standing straight, in a line, saluting while watching President Trump’s speech on TV. General MaGarthur is standing by the TV, training his eyes on them)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: At the center of this movement, is a crucial, conviction. That a nation exists to serve its citizens. Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families and good jobs for themselves. These, are reasonable and just demands of righteous people, and a righteous public.


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Salute your new Commander-in-Chief. SALUTE HIM!




(Cut to Ethan, now wearing his full suit, watching President Trump’s inaugural speech on television, with Anella by his side)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: For too many of our citizens, a different reality exists. Mothers and children, trapped in poverty, in our inner cities. Rusted out factories, scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation.


ETHAN: No way he fuckin’ wrote this speech.


ANELLA: Come on, you know President Trump has always been a master of simile and metaphor.


ETHAN: He’s not even a master of basic syntax, Anella.


(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Oleander and Catherine watching the speech in the Winnebago)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: From this day forward, it’s going to be ONLY America first!


RYAN: You know, I hear that Steve Bannon wrote this speech.


MICHAEL: Then why hasn’t the President insulted trannies yet?


RYAN: I’m sure he’s about to get to it.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke watching the Inaugural speech)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, who are constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it!


KIMBERLY: Yeah, like John Lewis! Fuck that guy!


LUKE: Jesus, how can I keep listening to this arse? When Britain did Brexit, it was terrible, but at least we didn’t have to listen to Brexit blabber on for twenty minutes.


KIMBERLY: He’ll be done soon. Apparently, it’s a short speech.


LUKE: Hopefully it’s a short Presidency. (Kimberly looks at Luke) Because of impeachment!

KIMBERLY: Okay, good. Be careful.


(Cut to Madeline, Peter, Bryan and Sophie watching the speech)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights and heal our divisions.




(Cut to Irville and Amy Satch watching the President’s inaugural speech on their TV in Amy’s living room. Irville is tightening his bowtie as he watches)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: We will make America strong again, we will make America wealthy again, we will make America proud again, we will make America safe again, and yes, together, we will make America great again! (The crowd begins applauding and cheering) Thank you, God Bless you, and God bless America. (President Trump begins shaking his fist) Thank you. God Bless America.


(President Trump turns around to shake hands with former President Obama)


IRVILLE: Wow. This kinda puts a big ol’ darn cloud over MY inauguration day.


AMY: Don’t let it! (Amy turns off the TV) Your gonna be a much better Mayor than Trump is.


IRVILLE: That’s true. Before I go to City Hall, Amy. Can you do one thing for me?


AMY: Sure, Mr. Mayor-elect.


IRVILLE: Tickle my mustache.


(Amy smiles and tickles Irville’s mustache, which makes him jump and giggle. Cut to Judge McGlynn, Irville Satch, Amy Satch, Mayor Alexander and former Mayor Chapman standing in front of City Hall. A press pool is gathered, snapping photos of the event. Amy is holding two bibles, and the top bible has a McDonald’s napkin resting on it)


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Are you ready to take the oath, Mr. Satch?


IRVILLE: As long as I got my beautiful lovely life partner here holding two study bibles from my childhood topped with a napkin from my favorite restaurant, then I am, sir!

JUDGE MCGLYNN: …Very well, then. Raise your right hand and repeat after me. (Irville puts his left hand on the bibles and raises his right hand) “I, Irville Marvin Satch, do solemnly swear.”


IRVILLE: I, Irville Marvin Satch, do solemnly swear.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: That I will faithfully execute the office of Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont.


IRVILLE: That I will faithfully execute the office of Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: And will to the best of my ability.


IRVILLE: And will to the best of my ability.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Preserve, protect and defend the laws of Hansbay, Vermont.


IRVILLE: Preserve, protect and defend the law of Hansbay, Vermont.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: So help you God?


MAYOR SATCH: So help me God.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.


(Judge McGlynn shakes Mayor Satch’s hand, as Mayor Chapman and Mayor Alexander applaud. Mayor Alexander is applauding half-heartedly. Cut to Ethan setting his hand on a bible being held by Anella. Ryan is looking on. The bible is being held by Judge Sullivan. They are on the steps of the Hansbay City Council building. The press is snapping photos)


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Are you ready to take the oath, Mr. Donahue?


ETHAN: I am.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Raise your hand and repeat after me-


(Ethan raises his right hand. But then, Fiona comes over and grabs a hold of the bible and tries to hold it with Anella)


FIONA: Let’s BOTH hold the bible, huh!?




FIONA: Come on, we’re in this together!!


ANELLA: Get back in the car!!


ETHAN: Fiona. Go.


(Fiona sighs, rolls her eyes, lets go of the bible and walks away)


RYAN: Anella, you don’t even believe in that book.


ANELLA: What are you talking about- (Anella looks at the book) oh, damnit, this IS the bible, isn’t it? Ethan, you told me it was The Official Fahrenheit 9/11 Reader!


ETHAN: Just let me swear the oath, okay?!


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Repeat after me. “I, Ethan Leonard Donahue do solemnly swear.”


ETHAN: I, Ethan Leonard Donahue do solemnly swear.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: “That I will faithfully execute the office of City Councilperson for Hansbay, Vermont.”


ETHAN: That I will faithfully execute the office of City Councilperson for Hansbay, Vermont.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: “And I will well and faithfully discharge.”


ETHAN: And I will well and faithfully discharge.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: “The duties of the office on which I am about to enter.”


ETHAN: The duties of the office on which I am about to enter.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: So help you God?


ETHAN: So help me God.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Congratulations, Mr. Councilman.


(Judge Sullivan shakes Ethan’s hand as the crowd applauds. Ethan turns to Ryan)


ETHAN: I did it.


RYAN: Good job, dad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my Winnebago to go on an anti-Trump tour for Depraved Hallway Fern.


(Ryan hugs Ethan)


ETHAN: That’s my boy.


(Ryan walks back to his Winnebago, which is parked on the street. Ryan finds a ticket on the windshield and holds it up)


RYAN: Fuck is this?!


ETHAN: I’ll get it taken care of, don’t worry.


ANELLA: Wow, corruption much?


(Ryan crumples up the ticket and puts it in his pocket. Ryan then enters the Winnebago. Ryan comes out again)


RYAN: Dad! There’s a reporter in here!

(Patrick White comes out eating a Jell-O shot)


PATRICK: I thought it was a trailer for reporters! With complimentary snacks!

RYAN: Those are Jell-O shots!

PATRICK: And that was very nice of the councilman!

ETHAN: Back away from my son’s Winnebago, Patrick.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in the passenger seat of the Winnebago, while Catherine drives)


CATHERINE: So, there’s a Battle of the Bands in Boston?


RYAN: Yeah, and if we win this one, we get to go to Chicago and compete in the nationals.




(Ryan checks his phone)


RYAN: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. Chicago’s cold as fuck in February.


CATHERINE: It’s thirty-seven degrees outside right now.


RYAN: Whatever. Chicago’s cold is worse.


(Oleander walks over to Ryan and Catherine holding a hose)


OLEANDER: Why are you so grumpy, Ryan? Can’t you look on the bright side like I do?


RYAN: Why are you holding a garden hose?


OLEANDER: I’m trying to siphon our fuel so I can huff it.


(Ryan grabs the hose away from him)


RYAN: Goddamnit, Olly.


(Cut to Ryan, Oleander, Michael and Catherine standing outside a shitty little Boston venue called “The Astute Fork”)


MICHAEL: Why the heck is this place called “The Astute Fork”?


RYAN: Apparently, it used to be a shitty, indie hipster restaurant and now it’s a shitty, indie hipster music venue.


MICHAEL: And they never changed the name?


RYAN: Guess not.


(A huge crowd of women start marching by, wearing pink cat ears and holding anti-Trump signs. They are chanting “My Body, My Choice!” and “Love Trumps Hate!”)




RYAN: So weird, President Trump said there weren’t that many protestors, and yet, that seems like a lot.


CATHERINE: I’m gonna go march with them for a bit, I’ll be back.


RYAN: That’s fine. Just come back in time for the first round.


(Catherine kisses Ryan and joins the Women’s March)


MICHAEL: Look at all those snowflakes. Is it a coincidence that most of those protestors are ugly?


RYAN: Go try to have sex with one of them, Michael, if they’re so easy.


MICHAEL: I- you know, I just-I don’t. Feel like it.


(Cut to Ryan, Michael and Oleander standing in a green room, backstage at The Astute Fork. They are standing in front of a brown-haired white guy wearing a tank top who looks like he’s stoned and a brown-haired white girl)


RYAN: So you guys remember Alec and Tara?


MICHAEL: Yeah. You guys replaced Chance.


RYAN: No. That’s-that’s not an accurate way of putting it.


ALEC: I just play drums, man. I didn’t mean to replace anyone. I’m sure Chance was a great guy.


RYAN: He was alright. But we loved him.


OLEANDER: Totally.


RYAN: So, cool, you’ve practiced with us a few times, do you guys think you’re ready for tonight?


TARA: Uh, yeah. Should be.


OLEANDER: Sorry, what does this bitch play again?


RYAN: Oleander!

OLEANDER: My apologies, I felt the need to take Chance’s place.


TARA: I play guitar.


OLEANDER: But I play guitar.


RYAN: We’re going heavier. Alright? Now enough in-fighting! Let’s go pick up our instruments.


ALEC: More like “dick up” our instruments.


TARA: Babe.


(Tara puts her hand on Alec’s shoulder)


ALEC: Sorry. I make jokes like that sometimes when I’m uncomfortable.


(Cut to the stage in the small venue that is The Astute Fork. There is a drum kit, two guitars, bass and speakers on the stage. A woman comes on stage, as the audience sits before her. She grabs a microphone)


WOMAN: Hey there, ladies and germs!



WOMAN: Sorry, you’re right. How ya feelin’, rock-heads?



WOMAN: This next band is called Depraved Hallway Fern. Give it up for…DEPRAVED HALLWAY FERN!!!


(The woman walks off stage as the audience claps. Ryan takes the microphone. Alec sits behind the drum set, Tara and Oleander pick up their guitars and Michael picks up his bass)


RYAN: Hey everyone. We are Depraved Hallway Fern from Hansbay, Vermont. Let me just check to make sure my girlfriend is in the crowd. (Ryan searches for Catherine, and eventually finds her, sitting in the back. She waves) Hey babe. (Ryan smiles) You’re beautiful. Ask her after the show how she makes her own deodorant, it’ll blow you away. (Catherine shakes her head) Actually, don’t. I’m being told you shouldn’t do that, okay, let’s just get started. Yesterday, we inaugurated a stupid, orange, bigoted rapist with daddy issues as our President. This first song is DHF’s message to him.


(Alec taps his drum sticks together)




(The band starts playing music, and building up the song, until Ryan comes in)




(Cut to Mayor Satch sitting in his new mayoral office)


MAYOR SATCH: Ooh, wow. I haven’t felt this powerful since I did coat check at all my proms.


(Amy comes in holding a McCafe)


AMY: Irvy, I have-


MAYOR SATCH: Hold on a minute, Amy, let me soak this in.


AMY: Oh. I’m sorry.


(Amy leaves. Mayor Satch opens a drawer to see a note from former Mayor Alexander)


MAYOR SATCH: Oh, that’s nice. (Mayor Satch picks up the note and reads it. It says “I’m actively rooting against your success, Mr. Mayor. – Evan”) Oh.


(Amy comes in with her McCafe)


AMY: Is it all good now, Irvy?


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah, come in, precious.


(Amy smiles and puts Irville’s McCafe down on the desk)


AMY: Someone is here to see you, Mr. Mayor.


MAYOR SATCH: Oooh! My first visitor! Is it a well-wishing Children’s choir?


AMY: No, I haven’t been able to book one of those yet-


MAYOR SATCH: Okay, well, be sure to do that.


AMY: It’s Councilman Donahue, Irv.


MAYOR SATCH: Send him in.


(Amy leaves, and Ethan comes in)


ETHAN: Is she your secretary?


MAYOR SATCH: No, she’s only filling in until they find a replacement for Evan’s Secretary. I mean, I guess you could do it, you used to be Sarandon’s, after all.


ETHAN: I was never Mayor Sarandon’s Secretary-just, listen, Mr. Mayor. Your bill? That you sent to the city council?


MAYOR SATCH: Yes? What about it?


ETHAN: It’s a non-starter. The city cannot increase the wages for the tug boat operators by 200%, that’s insane.


MAYOR SATCH: You know, they’re a very hard-working people, Ethan! They deserve more from us! And I guess you didn’t see the bill about the massage breaks?


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, I understand you have to appease your base, and I’m willing to work with you. We’re from the same party now. But Hansbay went into the red under Sarandon and Alexander’s leadership. Sarandon used to get drunk, open the city’s coffers, and let kids on field trips take the money for themselves.


MAYOR SATCH: We really shouldn’t have an actual vault to store our money in, to be fair.


ETHAN: I agree! See? There’s something we could work on. But unfortunately, Mr. Mayor, the wages of the tug boat operators are actually on the chopping block once we revise the budget for fiscal year 2017.


MAYOR SATCH: What?! You can’t expect me to approve something like that! How could I look my poker buddies in the eyes, as they strip me naked in the snow every time I lose a game?!


ETHAN: This is the reality of governing, Mister- (Ethan blinks a bunch to react to what Satch just said, but then quickly refocuses himself) look. (Ethan walks over to Mayor Satch and puts his hands on his shoulders) Governing is different from campaigning. The constraints of political reality sets in. I ran as a Democrat, but honestly, the only reason I call myself a Democrat is President Trump. I’m a Republican, corporatist, globalist snake. And sooner or later, you’ll realize you need to be one too.


(Ethan pats Mayor Satch on the back and leaves the room. Mayor Satch looks conflicted, and sits down behind his desk. Cut to Ryan finishing his song at The Astute Fork)




(Ryan, Oleander, Michael, Alec and Tara walk off stage. Cut to backstage. Everyone except Ryan is beaming)


ALEC: Awesome show, guys.


MICHAEL: Yeah, we had a surprising amount of chemistry.


(Ryan looks at his phone)


RYAN: It was good, but that fucking judge in the back kept checking his phone. It’s like he wasn’t even paying attention.


OLEANDER: Yeah, but, come on, Ryan, we did great.


RYAN: Yeah. I’m gonna lay down for a minute, wake me up when the next band is done.


(Ryan lies on a nearby couch)


TARA: (Whispering) He’s sort of cranky, isn’t he?


MICHAEL: He’s like that.


(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Oleander, Catherine, Alec and Tara sitting in the audience as the band after DHF, walks off stage. The woman from earlier walks on stage)


WOMAN: That was Festering Glutton, give it up. (The audience applauds) Great set, guys, I especially appreciated the pig sacrifice on stage. By the way, clean up on aisle “this old man in the front row’s lap”.


OLD MAN: I’m covered in the stuff!!


WOMAN: So, now, without further ado, the winner of the first round of the 2017 Bloodfist Battle for the Soul of New England Metal goes to…FESTERING GLUTTON!!


(Festering Glutton comes back on stage. Cut to Depraved Hallway Fern and Catherine in the audience. They begin clapping, but they do not look happy about it, especially Ryan)


RYAN: That pig sacrifice was the most gimmicky thing I’ve seen since the lead singer of Mayhem masturbated into G.G. Allin’s cadaver on stage.


CATHERINE: I thought that was kinda cool.


(Cut to Depraved Hallway Fern walking into the lobby. Some gothed-out metal fans stop over to talk to Ryan)


METAL FAN: Hey Ryan, I thought you guys should’ve won. Your set was badass, bro.


RYAN: Yeah, we should’ve. But, oh well. We came here to have fun, and even though we didn’t, because we lost, at least we get to crash at the Boston Marriot tonight.


(The woman from earlier comes over)


WOMAN: Hey, could you guys join me in my office real quick? And somebody find Festering Glutton.


(The woman walks away)


RYAN: Are we in trouble?


METAL FAN: I might be. I’ve been smoking in the bathrooms.


(Cut to Depraved Hallway Fern, the lead singer of Festering Glutton, and the woman from earlier)


WOMAN: First of all, my name is Marla Tester, I’m the owner of this venue, nice to meet you.


RYAN: Charmed, now what’s going on?


MARLA: I fucked up. (Marla points at Depraved Hallway Fern) You guys actually won.


RYAN: Shit, really?


LEAD SINGER: What!? But we killed a pig!

MARLA: I’m so sorry, guys. I misread the judge’s points system, and it appears you guys actually got points off for the pig sacrifice.




MARLA: It’s hoaky.


RYAN: It is.


ALEC: Ryan.


RYAN: I’m sorry, it is!

ALEC: Listen, we feel really bad. You can have the win if you’d like.


RYAN: Fuck no!


TARA: Come on, Ryan, look at how disappointed he is!

RYAN: I worked hard for this! I’ll be annoyed as hell if it gets snatched from me!

OLEANDER: You’ll be annoyed as hell either way.


RYAN: Yeah, well, at least now I have the chance to be dissatisfied with even MORE.


MARLA: I’m really sorry, Mr. Fuckmounder. Take this two-dollar Kohl’s gift card as our apology.


(Marla hands him a two-dollar Kohl’s Gift Card)


FUCKMOUNDER: …Well, how do you like that?


(Fuckmounder storms out)


MARLA: Sore loser, am I right?


MICHAEL: You’re right.


ALEC: I still feel bad.


MICHAEL: This world is brutal and cold, Alex, you gotta get used to it.


ALEC: It’s Alec.




RYAN: Let’s go eat before the finals.


TARA: Agreed.


(Cut to Ryan, Tara, Alec, Michael, Oleander and Catherine sitting at a table in some burger place. Ryan is watching a video on his phone, using his ear buds)


OLEANDER: What are you watching, Ryan?


(Ryan pulls out one of the ear buds)


RYAN: I’m watching the President’s press secretary make a statement about the Inaugural crowd size.


ALEC: Really? Why would Obama feel the need to- oh, fuck, that’s right, it’s Trump now.


CATHERINE: What an insecure child.


RYAN: The Press Secretary claims it’s the biggest ever.


CATHERINE: Really? Because that mall seemed to have a lot of white spaces. Or is Trump’s fan base just that white?


RYAN: Sean Spicer is like, threatening the media in this video. It’s scary.


MICHAEL: It’s about time America became a fascist dystopia. Now things can only get better from here.


RYAN: I think they have four years to get even worse.


TARA: He’ll get impeached.


RYAN: By a Republican Congress?


TARA: He’ll resign.


RYAN: You have to stop doing that to yourself.


TARA: Maybe he’ll pivot?!


(Ryan puts his phone away)


RYAN: Anyway, I can’t focus on that right now. I’m cranky enough.


(Tara looks at her phone)


TARA: Speaking of which, we need to start heading over.


(They all start getting up. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Oleander, Tara and Alec sitting backstage. A guy with a headset peeks his head in from a door behind them)


STAGE MANAGER: Hey guys. Led Robster- which is a terrible fucking name- is about to finish their set. So get ready.


RYAN: Got it.


(The stage manager closes the door. They all get up)


OLEANDER: Are we ready?


ALEC: Guys. I think we’re gonna go out there and have a depraved time.




RYAN: Let’s be real for a second, though. Alec and Tara donated their time to us because they believed in this band.


ALEC: Tara and I both got into it at the same time. We just found it on SoundCloud, and fell in love.


TARA: We’re both big metal and punk fans.


RYAN: Yeah, and that’s special. Especially considering Tara looks like she was fat in middle school and Alec looks like he’s only listened to the song “Proud To Be a Stoner” by the Kottonmouth Kings on repeat for the last seven years.


ALEC: I’ve never smoked weed.


RYAN: Exactly. You guys are special. Thanks for coming on with us.


ALEC: Thank you, man.


TARA: Thanks. I wasn’t fat in Middle School, for the record.


RYAN: Let’s go out there and kick ass. (They all put their hands in the middle) One three, “fuck this bullshit”. One, two, THREE!


(They throw their hands up)




(Cut to Marla onstage, speaking to the audience, while guitars and a drum set sit behind her)


MARLA: Man, Red Lobster really rocked it huh?!



MARLA: Really? Good God, that’s a bad name. Well, anyway, please welcome our next act, DEPRAVED HALLWAY FERN!!!!!!


(Marla walks off the stage as Depraved Hallway Fern gets on stage. Ryan takes the mic as Alec sits behind the drum set, Oleander and Tara pick up their guitars and Michael picks up his bass)


RYAN: Hey guys. (Ryan smiles. There is cheering, but then feedback. Ryan drops his smile) It’s good to be here in Boston. This next set is dedicated to our friend Chance McMiller. He was our drummer, and he died last month. He would’ve wanted us to plaster his face all over our equipment, and on the back wall here, but, he has to realize he can’t get everything he wants, so. Here goes. This first song is Plastination. (The instruments start playing, and Ryan begins singing) A certain purpose meets us, hanging in the abyss. We know we can grab it and we’d suffer no consequence.  But we ignore it, and drive ourselves into snow. Melting in the springtime, we’ve got no place to go. (Heavy section, screaming) CHILLING ICE COLD WATER!!! RUSHES THROUGH OUR VEINS!! WE’RE DESENSITIZED EVERYTHING, OF YOUR MIND WE DON’T KNOW!!!! WE DON’T WANT TO FEEEEEEL! WE DON’T WANT TO THIIIINK!!!!! DROWN OUR BRAIN IN TEMPORAL THINGS AND DRAIN IT DOWN THE SIIIINK!!!!!


(Cut to Mayor Satch, in his house, sitting at a card table with some of his friends from the tug boat worker’s union. Satch looks nervous)


TUG BOAT EMPLOYEE: Can you believe this Trump guy? I can’t believe he’s actually fightin’ for us.


TUG BOAT EMPLOYEE 2: Yeah, pulling out of TPP was great.


TUG BOAT EMPLOYEE: Yeah, it’s interesting, Dale, my wife and I were thinking of moving down to El Paso so we can help build that wall. Now that’s a good paying job!

DALE: No kidding!


TUG BOAT EMPLOYEE 3: See, I’m not convinced about President Trump. He just approved the DAPL pipeline, doesn’t he got money in a company that has a stake in the pipeline?


DALE: Come on, Rich, wouldn’t you do the same thing?


(Rich chuckles)


RICH: Probably.


(They all laugh, except for Irville)


MAYOR SATCH: You guys are the best. Is it my turn to ante?


RICH: Yeah, it’s been your turn to ante for like five minutes, we keep tellin’ you but you give us a blank stare.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh. Sorry. (He antes up) I’m just so stressed out over my new job.


DALE: Yeah, he’s a big shot, Mr. Mayor now, huh?


(Dale shakes the Mayor around as they laugh)




(Mayor Satch chuckles)


DALE: Want me to bend for your highness?


(Dale bows his head as the union guys laugh)


MAYOR SATCH: No, of course not, Dale, I’m a man of the people!

(Dale lifts his head)


DALE: Alright then, Irv, how is the bill going? I’m lookin’ to put money down on a new house as soon as you say the word.


RICH: I’m buying a speed boat and an hour of a model’s time.


MAYOR SATCH: About that, guys, uhhh…the city council won’t, uh- (Irville gulps and starts sweating) they, will not, uh, budge on that. They don’t want to do it.


RICH: What?


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah, it’s-


TUG BOAT EMPLOYEE 3: The City Council is controlled by Democrats though, Irville!


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah Tommy, but we’re in the red, so, the increases may not be able to happen this year, guys.


TOMMY: Don’t use jargon, Satch, what is “in the red”?


DALE: It means they’re in debt, meathead.


(Rich hits Tommy across the head)


RICH: Come on.


MAYOR SATCH: So you guys understand, right?


DALE: I mean, if they can’t do it this year, maybe they’ll be room once they get their financial house in order. Better luck in 2018, right, boys?


(They all groan “yes”)


MAYOR SATCH: Good. I knew you guys would understand. While you’re not angry with me, I should probably tell you that the city council is planning on cutting your wages too. (They all shoot angry looks at Satch) Oh, geez.


(Cut to Mayor Satch, naked in the snow, in his backyard. Dale, Rich and Tommy are holding his clothes)









(Cut to Councilman Donahue sitting in his new city council office. Mayor Satch comes in wearing a wet, torn up suit)


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor?!


MAYOR SATCH: I told the union guys about the pay cuts.


ETHAN: Oh. Did they assault you?


MAYOR SATCH: Just stripped me naked in snow, just normal guy joshing around.


(Ethan shakes his head)




MAYOR SATCH: I don’t like politics so far.


(Mayor Satch leaves Ethan’s office)


ETHAN: …Why didn’t he change his suit? (Ethan gets a phone call on his office line. He picks it up) Hello?


VOICE ON THE OTHER HAND: Hello, Mr. Donahue.


(Ethan squints)


ETHAN: …Who is this?


(Cut to President Trump sitting behind the Oval Office desk)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: I think you know who it is, Ethan.


ETHAN: No fucking way.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: That’s right, it’s me. The 45th President of the United States.


ETHAN: Prove it.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: The nuclear codes are-


ETHAN: NO! STOP! Jesus, you’re irresponsible.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: So you recognize it’s me?


ETHAN: Mr. President, why are you calling?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: I’ve been calling all my enemies in the last six days to tell them to watch out.


ETHAN: Really? Because I opposed you at the convention? Are you THAT petty-what am I saying, of course you are.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Believe me, I’ve got a lot of tremendous reasons for what I do, and if I didn’t do them, well, then, what would I do? I wouldn’t be able to do very much because, well, how could you? You’d just be doing it for nothing-


ETHAN: With NO due respect, Mr. President, stop talking. You aren’t saying anything; your ONLY skill is saying nothing.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: You’re not ingratiating yourself with me, Mr. Donahue.


ETHAN: I don’t want to! Ever thought about that?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Well, then prepare yourself. Because It’ll be a rough four years for you.


ETHAN: It’ll be a rough for years for everyone, sir. And I won’t stand here and be threatened. What are you gonna do?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Your days in political office over in Hansbay are numbered, Donahue. Not only did you try to stop me, your son embarrassed me a year ago, and I will never forget that.


ETHAN: Are you-


PRESIDENT TRUMP: I’m not going after your son, okay? He’s a child, and I would never go after anyone’s kid, especially since those vicious losers at SNL went after my Barron.


ETHAN: Don’t you have ISIS to fight, sir?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: You’re right, I do have to go kill some people. I’ll let you go.




(Ethan slams the phone on the receiver and starts rubbing his eyes. Cut to Marla on stage at the Bloodfist competition, as the audience applauds)


MARLA: Man, Senseless Acts of Violence KILLED IT, huh!?


(Cut to Ryan sitting in the audience as people applaud)


RYAN: (Under his breath) Not really…


(Cut back to Marla)


MARLA: Now it’s decision making time. The Judges have made up their minds. First, the runner-up. (Ryan, Catherine, Oleander, Alec, Tara and Michael lean forward) The runner-up in the 2017 Bloodfist Battle for the soul of New England metal IS… LED ROBSTER!!


(People applaud, as the members of Led Robster make their way on stage)


OLEANDER: That means we could be it!

RYAN: Yeah, our set was better than Led Robster’s to be sure!


CATHERINE: And our name is way better.


(Cut to Marla posing with the members of Led Robster. Pictures are taken, Marla shakes their hands, and they walk off stage)


MARLA: So, if the winner can’t go to Chicago, Led Robster will. It’s just like winning, the only difference is it’s probably meaningless. Okay, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, could I get a drum roll?


(Everybody starts drumming on their knees)


ALEC: You know, we have actual drums!

(Marla looks at her phone)


MARLA: The winner is of the 2017 Bloodfist Battle for the Soul of New England goes to…SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE!!!


(The members of Senseless Acts of Violence start cheering and go up to accept their award. Cut to Ryan, and the rest of the band, who are clapping, but seem despondent)


RYAN: …You know, it could be another mistake.


(Cut to Ryan, Catherine, Oleander, Michael, Tara and Alec sitting at a Greek coffee lounge. The place is very rustic, and there are busts and Greek mythological artwork every which way. Each of them has a cup of coffee and they look disappointed)


TARA: …Should we look at the notes?


RYAN: …I mean, I guess. (Tara hands Ryan the notes) Like these judges know jackshit. (Ryan opens one of the slips of paper) Here it says “the song about Trump was not at all subtle”. (Ryan crumples up the piece of paper and throws it aside. He opens up another piece of paper) “The lyrics on Plastination are great, the hook is really mean-mugging and aggressive, but one of the guitarists missed a chord at one point”.


OLEANDER: It’s not easy when you’re on that slow-mo potion, am I right? Also when you cut your finger fighting a stray dog over a can.


(Oleander holds up his finger, which has a bandage on it. Ryan takes out another piece of paper)


RYAN: “The drummer doesn’t seem to keep time as well as he could”.


(Alec flips off the paper)


ALEC: That guy can suck a fuck.


TARA: Come on, it’s constructive criticism.


RYAN: He goes on to say “he definitely doesn’t deserve that girl he’s with”.


ALEC: Fuck that guy.


TARA: How could he know we’re dating?


(Ryan takes out another piece of paper)


RYAN: “The song ‘Ass Execution’ is terrible, it has a generic riff, bland hook and hardly progresses”. Ass Execution!? That’s not one of our songs!

CATHERINE: Yeah, what? “Ass Execution” was a song Led Robster played.


RYAN: Did he give us the wrong piece of paper? (Ryan looks at it) Nope, this says Depraved Hallway Fern. And he rated us fourth place.


MICHAEL: Shit, that probably affected the outcome.


OLEANDER: Hey guys, all that matters is, we had fun.


ALEC: No! Fuck that, I wanted to win!

RYAN: Yeah, because we didn’t win, I retroactively did not have fun.


MICHAEL: Well. I just want to go to bed.


OLEANDER: Yeah, me too. I think Michael and I are gonna head on.


MICHAEL: Are you guys staying?


RYAN: Yeah, I think we’ll stay a bit longer.


MICHAEL: Cool, see you at the hotel.


(Michael and Oleander leave. Ryan sighs)


TARA: What we need is a confidence boost for everyone. Let’s go around and tell one another what we admire most about each other’s music skills.


RYAN: Come on, we don’t have to-


TARA: No, I want to. Let’s start with Alec. Alec. I admire how much you get into it. When you’re playing those drums, it makes me wonder if you hate them.


(Alec, Ryan and Catherine chuckle)


ALEC: Thanks, babe.


(Alec kisses Tara)


RYAN: I guess I’ll go. Alec, I’ve only known you for a couple of weeks, but man, your low-key, chill vibes do not match the monster you are behind that drum set. And I think you keep time perfectly.


ALEC: Thanks, Ryan. I suppose I’ll start with you. Ryan, your lyrics are very poetic. I mean, you could probably just write about slaughtering innocents and raping Eminem’s mom, but you chose to write about real shit, so, props.


RYAN: Thanks, man. I guess I’ll have to scrap my song about slaughtering innocents and raping Eminem’s mom now.


(Alec chuckles)


TARA: Ryan, I know that this style of music requires you to be really moody, but honestly, I see through that when you’re on stage. Underneath I can tell there’s this sense of childlike joy and wonderment. You love the spotlight, and it adds a lot to your performance. And it’s funny, because as soon as you get off stage you go back to being like, “I’m really cranky about something you guys”.


(They all laugh)


CATHERINE: That’s too true…


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: I’m glad we came here and did this, guys.


ALEC: Yeah.


RYAN: I look forward to getting to know you guys better.


TARA: Same.


RYAN: It makes me feel like things are looking up, for once.


(Ryan, Tara, Catherine and Alec lift up their cups of coffee)


ALEC: To Depraved Hallway Fern!


RYAN: And to the Resistance!


CATHERINE: Damn right.


(They clink their glasses. Cut to Ryan, Alec, Tara and Catherine walking into the parking lot)


ALEC: Where the fuck’s my car?!


TARA: Oh, God, Alec, look.


(Tara points at a sign reading “NO PARKING AFTER 6PM- VIOLATORS WIL BE TOWED”)


RYAN: I have to learn to stop hoping.


(Cut to black)










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