"Vaya!"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


Commentary - This is an almost verbatim conversation between me and my ex. She was happy to tear me apart on the phone.

Submitted: February 01, 2017

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Submitted: February 01, 2017

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It’s 4am in Los Angeles on a Monday, and he was missing her voice.

“hello.” she said in a raspy voice

“hey, what’s up?” he said nervously

“I’m sorry for bugging so early, I know you love your sleep.”

“its ok.”

“no, I figured you were at a club or something.”

“I figured you’d be up.”

“no I was asleep, and I don’t go to clubs.”

He felt a sense of relief with this knowledge. He doesn’t know what her life is like now. Six months is half a year and everything was confusing.

“I’m in the hospital right now.” he said

“I didn’t have anyone else too call.”

“what happened?”

“are you ok?”

“well I came home from work and I couldn’t hold down any food.”

“I pretty much threw up like crazy and so I decided to come here.”

“wow, I’m sorry.”

“are you ok?”

“yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“they gave me this drink for my stomach, so I’ll live.”

In the few moments of awkward silence that followed, he closed his eyes and imagined her in bed, half asleep with the phone to her ear. He wondered if she was smiling at the fact that she was hearing his voice.

“so uh, how are you?” he asked

“thank you for picking up.”

“I always pick up or call you back, don’t I?” she said

“I guess, but I didn’t know if this would be that time.”

“what time?”

“when you stopped wanting to hear my voice for good.”

“pretend I’m dead or something.”

"no, not yet.” she said with a slight laugh

“ha! Geez, yeah that sounds about right I guess.”

“that seems to be the way it is.”

“nah, I don’t know.” she said

“why are we doing this?” he said after another short pause between them

“you called, and I answered.”

“no, like why is all of this happening?”

“because, I was miserable.”

“I needed to find myself and I think I am.”

“so, everyday you were miserable?”

“pretty much.”

“I wasn’t happy.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. it sucks.”

“I’ve told you before.”

“Do you remember when we saw that dog trick show at the fair? All the dogs were rescue dogs and stuff.” he asked

“yes.”

“Do you remember how you bought that Rasta style pouch?”

“yes.”

“Remember we saw that body exhibit, with the dead bodies?”

“yeah, I do.”

“Remember how we snuck into the music area and left after like two minutes because we didn’t like the music?”

“I don’t remember that.”

“I wish we didn’t smoke so much, I cant remember a lot of things like that.”

“Me too.”

“I wish we were more sober. I hate that now.”

“yeah.” she said with a sigh

“we were family girl.”

“we’ve known each other for ten years, and now you’d be ok with never seeing me again?”

“it hurts.”

“I needed to put my needs first for the first time.” she said

“I was miserable.”

“I’m sorry your hurting.”

“are you? because you seem to be fine with all of this.”

“if you don’t think this hurts me too, your wrong.”

“but, I was miserable everyday.”

He knew that this was true but it didn’t make it hurt any less. He loved her for so many years but the silence and her new attitude has made the disconnection grow. He didn’t want to argue or cause himself heartache; but hearing her voice in any fashion will do.

“so you your new boyfriends awesome, huh?”

“I don’t have a  boyfriend.”

“there’s some people who want to be, but I don’t wanna be tied down right now.”

“oh yeah? bunch of people want you?”

“well nah, just a few people want to be with me.”

“crushing on me hard I guess, cant blame them.” she said with an audible smile

“yeah, I guess not huh.” he said

“you had sex?”

“no.”

“oh yeah? put it on Kodi bear.”

“I’m not putting anything on Kodi.”

“so are you having sex? have you had sex?”

“yes.”

“what!? you had sex?”

“with the guy I went out with.”

“really? are you serious?”

“yes, a couple of times.”

“he makes me laugh and I decided to throw caution to the wind for once.”

 “Jesus, why are you like this now? This is ridiculous”

“you haven’t had sex with anyone?”

“yeah, but this is different”

“how!?”

“I thought you were better than that and I thought we could work things out someday.”

“if this is a reason we couldn’t, then maybe it isn’t meant to be.” she said

“if anything your worse.”

“I broke up with you and so it makes sense that I’m doing things. You supposedly are trying to win me back but your having sex with people at the same time.”

“wow, really? Did you really just say that?” he said with a laugh

He was hurt and his mind drifted into images of her when they were younger. In those days she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. She was kind to him, and he didn’t feel like hanging himself, well at least not because of her. She was the reason he never jumped, and now she was the reason for his darkest thoughts.

“I cry almost everyday, because I can’t forget things.” she said

“the other day I was at work and I started to bawl.”

“I thought about one of those times and it hurt me so bad.”

“I’m sorry girl. I’m sorry for everything. I wasn’t in the right mind, and I fucked up bad.”

“That’s why we’re not together. I can’t get over those things, and I’ve tried.”

“I’m not that same person. you know this. It was only in a certain span of time that I was horrible.”

“You act like I was a monster all through the ten years, and that’s not fair. respectfully.”

“I know your different. I see the changes you’ve made, and I’m proud of you, I really am. But I have to do things that make me happy now. I’m sorry its not working in your favor”

“No your not.”

“You should watch Me, Benji and Maggie die. ”

“I don’t want to watch anybody die.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Of course I do.”

“This is serious shit girl. You should be there when I die.”

“I know its serious but I don’t know what the future holds, maybe one day I will be. But right now I just cant.”

“I wish I knew the magic words, so you’d give me another chance” he said

The phone showed that they had been talking for just over 3 hours. In all that time nothing new was really spoken, just their thoughts actually said out loud. He thought about the long trips up North and the way she use to look at him while she drove. The trips to Target and the nightly smoking sessions.

“Does she remember how much I meant? Does she remember the time and space we took up together?” he thought


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