She Smells Like Home

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: February 02, 2017

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Submitted: February 02, 2017

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The night was brisk and windy, but could care less about the fact that i was nearly freezing to death. I was on my way to do what i've been put on this earth to do.

 

“ I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life” she said staring off into the sunset. The sea was calm and inviting. The rays of orange sunlight gliding over the glossy water effortlessly. The sun was so beautiful that afternoon, almost as if it had dimmed itself just enough for us to stare in its direction without the fear of being maimed. A truly captivating sight but for the first time by the sea i was not drawn towards its elating embrace but instead towards hers. She smelled so nice, like home. I was left vulnerable.

 

As i walk i could not help but notice my legs were weak and my heart was expanding and contracting far past the point of comfort. I struggle to find the right words to say, desperately trying to avoid the un-endearing cliches. The words won't fit together perfect why won't they just work with me.

 

“Wow i've never seen it rain this hard mom” my brother said from the back seat of our ex-family SUV. She replies with a cold silence and an insecure glance in the rear view mirror. I notice she took the backroads, it adds five minutes to the drive and if i didn't know any better i'd say it wasn't nearly enough time for her to get away from her now empty home. I had nothing to say, because i was fearful of what to say, it’s hard being eleven and even harder to be coach your mom towards independence at such a young age. I can feel her beaming at me, i can feel her need for companionship. I can hear the whimper on her heavy breath. “ this is all your fault Jacob, you told me to leave you hated our family you hated him and now look at us”. My heart sank my eyes flooded and from that point on i was never sure if i could ever say the right thing. To make everything better.

 

My stride becomes smaller as i get closer. I have a seat considering giving in to the wind pushing me back to where i came. I sit and look back on all of the the problems i ran away from, the roads i left untaken. For what reasons i ask myself; fear, commitment, love. The angst wells up in my throat choking me.

 

“What are you saying Jacob, are you going to break up with me” I act nonchalant, confident and fiddle with a ball that sat on my dresser. “Yes that exactly what i'm doing i’m done with this we both need to live our lives, to be happy” The words come out sluggish, and impulsive, who am i trying to convince her or myself. I resist the voice in my head telling me to reconsider, to give her a chance to work this out. “It's done stevey don't call me or text me lets just give each other space and move on” Why did i say that, Is it really how i feel,Can i really be so heartless.

 

I gulp in an enormous amount of cool california air close my eyes and force myself to arise. I begin to make back down the road. I won't allow myself to make the same mistakes, or for that matter the mistakes of others around me.

 

I have been in bed all night, wide awake and listening to the fight it's never been this bad, please God don't let it be this bad. Please let someone go out there and stop them from breaking things, Stop the loud noises stop my mom's crying. Don't make me be the one, don't make me go out there. “JACOB JACOB PLEASE HELP ME” I take a deep breath and close my eyes, i glide to my drawer I find the sharpest object I own and rush out my bedroom door.

 

Im less than a block away and i can see her lights are on, i'm not to late. I wonder how she will look, what is she wearing, how did she decide to do her hair. I can't see her i can't remember what she looks like, why the hell can't i picture her face.

 

“ Are you going to be a grumpy old man all day, or are you going to have some fun with your baby” She loves taunting me when i'm down, fuck i love that. I run towards her and and wrap her waist hoisting her towards the air and spin. “ STOP PLEASE STOP I’M GOING TO PEE” she is laughing hysterically and her short brown hair is birdsnest, her soft brown eyes are squinting as a result of a breathtaking smile, her cheeks are flushed and bursting with abundant joy.

Im finally here right outside her door. I quarrel with myself on wether i should knock or ring the doorbell. Why am i stalling, what is there to question. I plant my feet I close my eyes hold my breath and knock on the door. Within seconds I am showered with comforting warmth, and soft embrace. I am home.


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