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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
a day so frigid yet so scorching. the inside of my body is melting while the tips of my fingers are left frozen from the last time you touched me. my brain is numb from the thought of your lips on mine. i feel oblivion. my heart aches at the thought of your smile in the sun on those steamy, summer days. my heart then shatters at the reflection of your dazzling eyes whenever you saw me walk into a room. you knew how to add color to one’s life, when one only saw black and white.
life happens. that’s what everyone seems to say. but this wasn’t life that happened. this was something much stronger than life itself, and that was love. is it so crazy to fall out of love, before we were even in it? most people could say they lost the spark. truth be told, a spark is the start of a fire. the spark was not lost, but perhaps was transitioning into a fire. many people are too afraid to admit this, for their feelings have become to strongly towards one, they are better off saying “the spark got lost” rather than be honest about how strong their feelings have become. maybe love is rather simple, and people make it more convoluted than it should be. maybe love isn’t a person, but a person’s soul and reaction to life. their insecurities, their fears, what keeps them up after hours, why they hate heights and why they want to travel the world. it is not only their looks that capture you, but rather how they see the world from their own, shimmery eyes. and that is what love is, my friend. love is all the things from why they squint their eyes when they smile, to why they write letters with their left hand, when their right handed. love is all the things you never knew you could love, but do because you’re seeing it from another’s perspective. love is having sex with emotion and not being afraid to show that emotion. love is being able to make them laugh so hard, that tears of not fear, but happiness stream down their face. love is that fact they can’t sleep without socks on, in fear that the monster under the bed will attack their tiny toes. love is the acceptance of one, despite the flaws they think they have. because to you, those are not flaws, but something more to love about them. love is not complex at all, but rather the most beautiful thing to be existent in life.

days have passed and feel much longer than 24 hours. i do not see a purpose in getting out of bed, dressing my naked body and forcing food down my throat. my parents encourage me to eat, while my younger sibling screams how i am too large and that i should not take as much, when my plate is half the size of theirs. my parents then scream at me when i do not get along with my younger sibling, because they don’t know any better at their age.
words have meanings. but do these meanings actually mean something? when you give somebody else a compliment, is it really a compliment to them, even if they say thank you? if you even insult someone, do they really take it as an insult? people use words to describe actions, feelings, what they see, hear or even taste. why use words to talk negatively about somebody? who came up with these negative words and were they ever meant to be negative? words are simply just words. there is no other way to put it. words can be followed up by actions or be the start of an action. people in this generation seem to say, “words have no worth to me, actions tell it all.” but what actually hurts more; words or actions? both can have an everlasting effect on a human. words nowadays are simple text messages, voicemails or even snapchat messages. words aren’t people communicating with one another. no, that is almost extinct. so why does one simply get upset over an anonymous message? you don’t know who made the remark, so why must it matter? i’ll tell you why. it hurts because you’re the one reading the message. the voice inside your head, the voice that is reading this very sentence. this is the voice you read things with. so when you read that somebody called you a worthless being, you hear your own voice reading it back to you. and the scary part is, you’re the one reading it. so the anonymous messenger is not the enemy, we are. we are our own enemy and that is beyond terrifying.

you left me thinking i was the enemy. you made me believe i was the worst possible human on this planet. how did you manage to control my way of thinking and make me think such an awful thing? i am my own person and the words you said to me nearly broke every bone in my body. how did you convince me to do such a thing? how did you get away with the crime of hurting someone mentally, let alone physically? why did i let the opportunity of telling somebody about what you were doing to me go? why was i my own bad guy?
the mind is complex. maybe one of the most complex things known to mankind. 100 billion neurons, weighing 3 pounds and made up of 75% water. our mind contains and absorbs so much information. but how does our brain manage to remember so much? scientists have the facts but everyone else has their own opinion. some people say they remember simply because they want too, others have to think about it, over and and over again, while the last bit of people have a photographic memory. the list goes on for how different people remember things. but i’ll never forget the night everything went black. we were together, our spark was becoming a flame and then you swang. you swung your right fist so briskly towards me. i attempted to move out of it’s way, but instead you wrapped me up in your arms and began to squeeze me. squeeze me so tight all the air rushed through my body twice and then out of my mouth, all in a matter of 5 seconds. i remember feeling as if i had taken my last breath. my life flashed so rapidly before me. even when our eyes met for that very second, mine full of tears and fear, yours full of darkness, you still could manage to hurt me. knowing all the pain i was in you dropped me onto the ground, you laughed, and kicked pebbles at my face, calling me all the things i hated being called. you used everything i trusted you with against me. from where my pressure points lay on my soft skin, to how i have sensitive elbows, to my asthma, anxiety and fear of trusting the wrong person. you used all things i feared most against me, and to my own will. so there i lay, on the road, where you dragged me. you sat on the edge, waiting desperately for a car to come and put me out of my pain, and at that moment in time, misery. you laughed every time i tried getting air into my lungs to help my body function and when i managed to get some in, you would get up from your spot and step on my chest until i coughed it up. you wouldn’t stop hurting me. then after what felt like hours on end, a car finally came. but they stopped. you scurried into the fields like a coward and there i lay, on the road, terrified about what were to happen next.

on most weekends, you would go to parties or the alley to find some fun. you asked me to join you a couple times, but i knew what would go down if i had went. instead, i stayed at home, waiting to receive the call to come and rescue you because you’re all but sober. i get into my car and drive 45 minutes to reach you. once i arrive, i see that you’re passed out on the pavement holding weed in your left hand and a beer bottle in your right. i pick you up and toss you over my strong shoulder. i carry you to my car with all the strength i have in me, with your feet dragging across the cold road, your shoes elsewhere. i open the door and lay you in the backseat, removing the weed and beer bottle from your cold, blistered hands. you open your eyes and flash a slight grin at me, then close your eyes and begin to fall asleep. when driving back home, our song had come onto the radio. i turned up the volume and began to sing it loud, for most neighbors to hear. i see your head rise in the backseat and you even begin singing yourself. but once the song was over, the reality of it all hit me. is this really love? is love driving out at 4am to come get the love of your life from a party where they took shots, drugs, got high and god knows what? is love that 3 minute, 48 second song on the radio that we sing too while you’re all but sober in the backseat of my car? or am i just insane for still loving you, despite knowing the problem you have.
overdosing of drugs cause approximately 50,000 deaths per year. that is 1,000 deaths for each state. 1,000 people lost their lives to something they couldn’t control. they lost control, or lost control while trying to gain their control. either way, in the end, their life was the thing they lost. although their soul can now float about freely, their body remains here on this earth. either buried, burned in ashes or even decomposing as you read this sentence. why would one, not want to fight for the life god has given them. call me crazy, but despite your drug addiction, i still managed to love you more than anyone on this planet. maybe even in this galaxy. i tried to intervene, get you the help you so strongly deserved. but instead, you made a fist with your right hand and swung, leaving black and blue marks all over my body. i still loved you. but after icing my body, time after time, enough was enough. you needed help whether you asked for it or not. i tried talking you out of it all, but time after time, my opinion was just an opinion. it didn’t matter at all. it wasn’t a statistic and even if i gave one, you would say i made it up in my head and call me crazy. you tried telling me drugs were good and helped with the everyday hell we have to conquer. at least i was sober when giving my opinions and facts on the subject. then you swung briskly at me again …

your actions show me how far you’ll go beyond your words. you weren’t an actor, but you sure knew how to use your poker face. you knew sarcasm well, you knew how to make me laugh, cry, and every other emotion in between. although words were your strong point, the actions that followed up with every ‘i love you” made me hate you even more than i did love you. you shined so bright on your imaginary stage where people loved you so much to throw thorned roses at you. you took every hit people threw at you. you never dodged a fight. you were the strongest man i think i’ve ever met in this lifetime. you were bold and i think that is why i was so easily attracted to you. you were the 8 ball in the triangle of 16. you were different and i saw you for your best even when you gave me your worst. i never was able to get you out of my head the moment i spotted you. looking back, i sometimes think it was a mistake. meeting you and all. it was. but it was by far the greatest mistake one could ever make. you were the greatest ever, followed by being the one mistake. you were lyle, and you pulled off the best performance i think i’ve ever seen. you acted like you hated me when you always told me you loved me…
time froze in those moments. i put the car to a stop and sat there. looking back at your now pale, blue face. everything was frozen but i could still feel the tears streaming down my rosy cheeks. if only you would have payed attention to reality and see that consequences are real. my body was numb but i managed to pull myself out of my car, drag your body out of my backseat and place you at the foot of your parent’s home. i felt like an idiot, laying you there for them to find. it was a cold night, not as cold as your body when i lay my fingertips on you though. i sprinted back to my car to get you a blanket to wrap you in but found a note on the backseat. ignoring it, i rushed back to you. i wrapped you in the blanket so you could stay warm, kissed you gently on the forehead and sobbed away into the night.
once i got back to my car, it suddenly felt warm and welcoming. i glanced at the backseat and saw the note lying there. i grasped it and slowly opened it. ten minutes passed and i had yet not opened the note entirely, finally i forced the rest open:
my savior,
i was not always a monster. then i met you. something inside me triggered me to go far beyond what i thought i’d ever do. i tried searching for someone else but there was no one else to find. you drove me crazy in all the right,, and wrong ways. just know every truth i ever told was a lie, and you are easily the most gullible person i’ve ever met. i went out tonight to escape from you, from this “perfect world” you imagine. i tried driving you to the edge when i was already at mine. it was a matter of time before i jumped and tonight, i jumped. thank you for taking my dead body back to my home, where i know i'll have peace at last. our love wasn’t real. so please hear me out. there was no feeling worse than looking in your eyes and seeing love while mine were full of nothing but lust. know the difference and life will be okay. again, thank you for driving me to the edge, i’m free now.
all thanks,
and before i knew, i was going 90 in a 45. all because i was a silly girl who had mistaken lust for love. who had mistaken abuse for love. who had mistaken the world for love

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Submitted: February 07, 2017