The Monsters Within

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

We all have and struggle with them. The monsters within.

The Monsters within

Not a believer of any religion. Not Muhammed, God or any of them. Never really been a issue before recently. When I fell in love with a muslim girl. Charming, smart and funny. Affected by the past, struggling for her future. A strong-minded independent woman I both respect and admire. A present friend, a future lover, wife and mother of child. She is whith whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Our life, together. But maybe it is not to be. A muslim woman and a non-muslim man? Impossible.  

Searching, searching for something. Don’t know what yet. At the same times I know. There’s a black void inside of me. My soul has been broken. As a human being just surving each day, not living life as it supposedly should be lived. 
Somewhere along the line life took a left turn. It didn’t turn out like it does for most people. Became something of a minority in a society dictated by the majority. Involentary being considered a loser. A concensus shared by both myself and everybody else. 

Life is quite easy in theory. As a child we are protected by our family. Being taken care of in every conceivable way. Hitting the turbulent teens is a shock to the system for many. A time of great changes and exploritatons. Sculpting the identity, longingly getting to grips to who we really are. Our inner voice and thoughts trying to team-up. A all-in-all carefree existence. Abruptly interrupted by hormones and feelings. Wanting what’s seemingly is up for grabs for all. Love, sex and friendship. In short, a girlfriend. 

For many the expected path of life are easily obtainable. It just happens without working to hard for it. Attending and eventually finishing school, hopefully not scared for life i.e bullying. Finding a job, going on vacations, and having fun with friends. Quite easy isn’t it? Well, not for all and everyone. 
What happens when something doesn’t go as planned? If you are born into a family that, let’s face it, is not to bright it most likely will have an bad effect on the educational path. If they are dumb, how are they able to raise a smart child? However, being stupid in todays society is not all that bad. I don’t think people cares to much about that. In fact, a stupid person are probably easier to relate to than a genius. 

The worst destiny in the quest for a decent life us off course physical appearance. Some things are self inflicted, some are not. The end result is basically the same. Those people will find it difficult to get included. Being excluded by those who we consider as normal. Stereotypes and archtypes we have no problem recognizing. What we do not understand we push away. So what is the main obstacle in the pursuit of true love. Or any sort of love for that matter, including sex. Well, a number of things actually. Imperfection can to some level be charming, more often or not it’s just negative. 

We are all the same, we are all equal. Really? Total bullshit. It is proven time and time again to be a blatant lie. If you have a attractive body and ditto face finding love is far from a impossibility. At least sex will not be a issue to worry about. The pitfalls are many and varied. Yes. We are all worth the same. Off course. But our romantical or sexual preferences have little to none room for humanistic trends. Double standards we don’t want to see. Being to short or to high is a recipe for solitude. You are not seemed fit to function as a boyfriend or girlfriend. The worst of all is without a doubt to be fat. Then that persons weakness are clear for anyone to see. A successful slimming is the way to og if love is the main focus. Not personality. Isn’t that rather sad? 

Defining moments in history has sculpted todays world. Moments in our life can define our future self.

Who am I, this person searching for a meaning of life? Just a average Joe. 30 years old, living in plain suburbia. Safe and sound, should be prepared for a good life. Kindergardens and schools, luxarys we do take for granted. And maybe we should? Just another tool to achieve soul-numbing conformity. Arenas dividing those who can and those who can’t. Nevertheless, we are molded into whatever big society demands.

What more do any have to know about me, the protagonist? Divorced parents at the age 10 or 11 might have had some impact. Difficult to know. To analyze the past in a attempt to understand present time and future are often more or less futile. Let bygones be bygones could be a plesant strategy if you want to maintain some basic level of sanity.

Caucasian with a secure blue collar job. Nothing wrong or missing. Appearence is not noteworthy. Which should increase the posibility to find that special one. Maybe not the most attractive of women to choose from, but certainly a good few average ones. Owning a apartment, a home where I can be who ever I want to be. But only, to alone. With no one to share it with, it’s just a shelter. Single life are overrated when it is not a choice. No place for neither pets or religion. Searched passively for a hobby, still searching. Single and not enjoying it. To much time for soul searching.

Only one thing is missing. One factor to make life worth living. A girl. Preferably a woman. Simple as that. Thru lifes coincidences I have met this girl. Girl or woman, she is both in a lovely package. How we met is not important, what follows are. 

She, her name is Khin, is from another culture. A country far from his. Myanmar. A country I barely have heard of, not important. It should be. The culture we grew up in must have an fundamental impact on us. Well, well.

In the begining all was good. The friendship grew every time we spent together. Which was not as easy as I had hoped for. Moving to another country is problematic. Every day has it sets of challenges to conquer. Language is the main one. Thankfully she have been living here for 4 years already, speaking the language at a beginner level. Moreover, English are widespread both here and in Myanmar. Her years at Yangoon University certainly helps a great deal.
With not to much experience with the other sex, creating a somewhat interresting dialouge was not very easy. She is a student, working part time at a restaurant. Money is thight. So for now she have to settle with renting a flat. This is the main scene of our friendship, and subsequently leading to my broken hopes and dreams. Friendship supposedly lasts for ever, love can fade away in an instant. But I don’t really care too much. I already have friends, don’t really need more of that kind. 

Khin’s home is of average size. More than enough for one, to small for two or more. With a clear touch of femininity and neatness. I guess most men don’t think to much of that, neatness that is. Me neither when it comes to myself and my personal surrondings. But when entering Khin’s home for the first it somewhat hit me. The confused pseudoanalytic part of my insanity. A tidy room makes for a tidy state of mind. On the other side, it could easily as well be an attempt to control what’s possible to control. In fact, I really do not know what actually I’m thinking. It’s a time and place for everything. 

How to talk to a woman. Is it difficult or easy? After all Khin is a fellow human being just as everybody else. Should not be a feat to accomplish something done every single day of our lifes. Talking to people. Certain circumstances complicates what’s at first glance seems quite straight forward. I have all the basic information I need. I’m Tore, a man searching for true love. She is Khin, a woman from Myanmar. Probably searching for a good future. The recognition of the limited knowledge of this truely  beautiful woman have brought me here. Deciding to let all destinity be what ever it will be. In short, just have a nice dialouge without concidering consequenses that may or may not fall in his favor. 

First of all, she basically ordered me to join her in eating dinner. Making and eating a Halal approved dish. A every day occurrence which made me nervous. The making of the food was not all that challenging, but the act of eating together is not something I’m to used to. Not least with a woman. When Khin turned of some light and placed a candle on the rable, my mind got even more confused. A candlelight dinner with a girl like her? Isn’t that what I am dreaming of? In dreams where I admittingly are much more charming than in reality. As I heard myself forgetting to talk to Khin, I took to focusing intensely on my food. Good food mind you, but not really all that fascinating. Not nearly as much as here. Get a grip. Seize the moment and talk to her. ‘’Khin?’’ She looked at me, not answering with words, but with facial expression. Thinking, thinking. Find something smart to either ask or tell her. Time is almost at a standstill. ‘’Did you come to Norway by yourself?’’ Was that a stupid question, perhaps to personal? Want here to answer as soon as humanily possible to receive my judgement. Did I mess up or not. 

The candle is burning. We are sitting close to the windows facing the outside. Her apartment is in the end if a street, and it’s dark outside. Romantic? No, the nerves are interrupting. Khin ’’I didn’t come alone, no. A short time before moving here I got married’’. A shock to the system. Why did I not know that already? That she us a married woman? I am so stupid. A married muslim woman trumps whatever I have to offer. Ok, in a moment of calculated madness I could consider converting, becoming a muslim. Even though family and friends would have some issues dealing  with that. After all, when all is said and done it is my life. Maybe it even could at some weird level enrich my life. But her being married is off course a whole other ballgame. I can’t tell her divorce him. A guy I still haven’t heard about before, or even seen a picture of. Looking around discreetly. No, not a single picture of him. Nothing at all revealing that a man lives here. Why is that? 

Khin keeps eating without giving away anything. Shouldn’t she say something more? I feel that something is missing. My heart ard beating just a little bit to irregular. Hopefully that’s only in my head and not a medical fact. Suddenly, or so it seemed to me, she continued. Looking quite pensive. Khin ’’You know, he had some difficulties he didn’t know how to deal with. Things that have happend in Myanmar. It’s all very complex, and really not all that important anymore. Either way, he became abusive towards me.’’ I felt emotional, and struggling with deciding what to do. Intuitively I understand that it is best not to talk. Just let talk in her pace. 

I get almost hypnotical short glimts of her reflecting in the window. Both looking at that and directly at her. Focusing on keeping my feelings under check. Don’t exactly know for sure, but it would be pathetic if see saw me with one or more tears running down my cheek. Can’t know. We are not there yet, I think. The bound between us are not that strong this early. Hopefully that will change. If I show her that I deserve her trust and respect. If she allows me to enter her heart. Khin’’ So, after only 10 months living together as a married couple I applied for a divorce.’’ My curiosity are taking the best if me. Not worried that I will say something stupid, or even worse, inappropriate. Me’ ’You have told me that you’re muslim, did that create problems for you when you wanted a divorce?. You don’t have to tell me more than you feel comfortable with.’’ She looks at me in a elusive manner. In my mind it’s borderline seductive, at the same time understanding very well it is not ment to be. Khin’’ No, no it’s no problem. I don’t mind talking about it. In my religion you perhaps know marriage us supposed to last for ever. But there are exceptions from that rule. Violence being one of them.’’ Can’t see if she’s sad or just thoughtful. Me ’’What did your family and friends think about it?’’ Khin ’’With my friends here in Norway I have been like secretive, if you see what I mean. I had to tell my family back in Myanmar, somehow they sooner or later would hear of it. I did not tell them before after I had reported him to the police and he got sentenced.’’ Ok. This is the spot where to restrain my childlike curiosity. Knowing that I want be able to. Me ‘’Is he still living in Norway?’’ Khin’’ No, he hadn’t got his citizenship yet. Because of what he did to me it got revoked. I don’t know, or care, where he is right now. But probably not anywhere close.’’ 

She finishes her food, tides up. And stops. Standing not saying anything. She starts to cry. For maybe a minute or shorter. I don’t know what to do. Off course I know what a real man would and should do. I should stand up and hold my arms around here. Comforting Khin as best I can. I don’t. Just remain sitting. She continues cleaning up, thank the Lord I at least help her with that. Her smile is not far away. Back to normal. Normal state of mind. Trying not to be to disappointed in my lack of actions. I was simply overwhelmed. 

Khin is a busy motivated student trying her best to acchieve something. That is a trade I for one find attractive in women. The will and drive to try their best. If they succed or not is not really the main issue. It’s better to try and fail, than never even tried. Only then you can consider yourself a failer. Three different schools and a part time job is more than a enough to impressive. Eventhough she actually has completed four years of University back home, and earned a degree, she keeps on fighting. I do not believe I could do that. Start all over again after years of hard work. Makes me wonder about the state of her heart. All what’s happened in her life, all this drastic changes must certainlly had some sort of effect on her. Some prosper and get stronger, others loses themselves under the pressure. 

She understandably is eager to learn. About everything, just like me. At the library she had borrowed a english-speaking movie, with the intention to learn in a more effective way. Very smart. Cuddling up together in the corner of the couch, under a red blanket with some peanuts at hand. Told me that she really, really, likes peanuts. Ok, whatever. The queen. A drama from real life as such. What went down in the British royal family around the time of Dianas far to early death. Saw bits and pieces of it, difficult to fully focus right now. Hopefully she doesn’t feel the need to analyze it afterwards. Well, she will most likely forgive me for being an average bloke. 

99 minutes. Yeah, what don’t I do to get to know a woman better. Is it pathetic? No, it really isn’t. My funny little thoughts, or train of thoughts, flyes away. Many of the incredible feats in human history is started, made or invented by men. Like the invention of the wheel and the art of writting? Why? For the greater good? Hardly. My humble layman theory is that some caveman invented the wheel to impress the girl next cave. Maybe he wasn’t much of a hunter? Why did someone even think that we need to write, that our spoken words doesn’t quite cut it anymore. In my mind it is easy to see the advantage of possesing such a skill. Specially, if you and the receiver are one of few that actually can read and write. But off course, even to this day it has a ring of romantic to it. To read or write a declaration of love. To write what you feel in peace and quite. Feeling the butterflies in the stomach both tickling and arousing. Why fly to the moon, climb Mount Everest in the freezing cold or even wearing perfume. It’s all about women. The continuous search for sex and love. Which can be the same, and also the flipside of the coin.

Time flyes by in good company. Unfortunately and thanks for that. Feeling both invigorated and totally exhausted at the same time. This feels like my own personal D-Day, all or nothing. I have only a few seconds to convience her. Make her think that I am worth getting to know. It’s obviously a bit of a problem when I can’t really believe it myself. What’s so special about me? She is a beauty still in her blossom years. A woman of good morals. The kind of woman most reasonable men will understand would make a perfect friend, lover, wife and mother of his child. Nothing with me can compete against them. Those with a steady income, house and a car. I am in that sense just a naive looser hoping for the stars, with little or nothing to offer his princess. Very well, and toodles. Stop overthinking impossible scenarios. Just be polite, say my goodbyes and be on my merry way. Putting on my jacket and shoes. Khin is still in the livingroom, I think, she is not in the small hall way with me. Making me feel even more insecure. Am I suppose to just living without saying bye to her? Can’t be right. Perhaps the customs in Myanmar are different from what we norwegians are used to. Hmm. For the umpty time in my life I face my social inadequacy. Luckly, before I choose the worst option, she appears with a smile. Khin ’’So, I see you tomorrow?’’ I’m pretty sure my heart skipped a few beats. Studdering I came up with a adequate response. Hero ‘’Ok’’ Yes. Short and precise. Keep it short, stupid. She lent in for a hug, I hugged her. A usual socially accepted send off. But no, I could not control my impulses. I gave her a kiss on her right cheek. Stupid man. Why do I do stuff like that? No response from her, so I live as soon as possible. Kinda regreting the kiss. I guess the plan to meet her tomorrow have been effectively cancelled. No sane reason to blame her for whatever she decides on. I am a stupid man. 

Next morning I wake up with no particular feeling. Neither bad or good. My faith is out of my control. Whatever Khin wants is all up to her to figure out.


Submitted: February 17, 2017

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