Badass

Badass

Status: In Progress

Genre: Humor

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Details

Status: In Progress

Genre: Humor

Houses:

Summary

A random comedy book about nothing in particular. Strong language. Lots of references to anime, internet, and video games.
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Summary

A random comedy book about nothing in particular. Strong language. Lots of references to anime, internet, and video games.

Chapter1 (v.1) - Sebastian's Kahoot

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 20, 2017

Reads: 95

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 20, 2017

A A A

A A A

Boom! Do I have your fucking attention? Good, listen up cool cat this isn’t your typical book. Now this isn’t your author Christopher Rhodes being an asshole to you nah this is his character Jack Ciel telling you what’s what and destroying the fourth wall. I mean I’m not Chris’s property, slavery is illegal, you know what I mean he’s writing my actions. Chris heh like that guy could control me. I’m an asshole. Why did I randomly just say I’m an asshole? Chris probably made me say that. Well I’m not going to waste your time for much longer. Let me fill you in, I’m 15 years old I’m into anime and video games I’m smoother than a fresh jar of skippy and I curse like a sailor. In fact, in case you didn’t know this book has extreme language let me get you in the know fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. If you just said Jesus Christ watch your language I’m going to tell you I drop the most fucking f-bombs ever. Well let’s get to the story.

 

Fuck, did I forget to mention that I’m number 1 on the most wanted list and that I’m the world’s foremost super criminal known as Captain Yoyo a thief who’s robbed literally every bank in New York. Fuck I did forget to mention that tiny detail. Well that insignificant anecdote aside let’s get started.

 

Boop beep boop, for those of you who don’t know that’s one of Bastion’s voice lines and a personal favorite of mine and I just wanted to share one of my favorite pieces of dialogue from Overwatch.

 

Ok I’ll start our story off. Hey Chris could you narrate this one bit, open the story for our readers. Ok fine I’ll narrate it for you. In a land, far, far away, lies the Kingdom of Fiore, a small peaceful nation of 17 million, and a place filled with magic! Found in every home, bought and sold in every marketplace, for most, magic is merely a tool, a mundane part of everyday life. For some, however, magic is an art, and they have devoted their lives to its practice. These are the mages. Banded together into magical guilds they apply their skills in search of fame and fortune. Many such guilds dot the landscape of Fiore. But there is a certain guild in a certain town that soars high above the rest, one from which countless legends have been born... a guide that will no doubt continue to create legends well into the future. Its name... is Fairy Tail. Hey Chris I don’t mean to be a dick. Hey Jack watch your language my books are intended to be PG-13 subject matter wise. What about Monochrome there’s no one that has only one use of fuck. It does I can assure you. But a bunch of shit goes down. Don’t start a sentence with but it’s grammatically incorrect. Grammatically incorrect, Chris I say this as a friend but you have the worst fucking grammar. I do not Jack! Your writing is filled with run on sentences I mean look at everything you’ve written so far, hell look at this paragraph that’s still going on for some reason.

Anyways isn’t that the opening to Fairy Tail and not actually this story. Chris I swear if you don’t start the story soon I will hit you harder than Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood’s ending. You know what Chris just go you’re wasting too much time anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Your dumb ass probably realized that you can’t tell your story if there’s no one here to type it. Yes, and I’m sorry I told you to go, now please can you tell the story. Fine Our story starts with a bank heist in New York City. Everything is relatively neutral at the bank when an explosion through a wall shakes the building. There is now a large hole in the wall and our protagonist Jack Ciel walks through the dust. Jack Ciel is cladded in a bright purple trench coat and light purple suit pants with a yellow tie on his white dress shirt he is also wearing dress shoes and a purple masquerade mask. The bright purple and yellow garb he is wearing clashes with Jack’s sandy blond hair and sky blue eyes. Thanks for setting the stage Chris I’ll take it from here.

 

“Yo! It’s me the foremost super criminal Captain Yoyo, give me all your money,” I say I in a triumphant voice.

 

Yellow letters float up above me that say.

 

Captain Yoyo

New York City Badass

 

“Hey wait a minute you stole that from Kill la Kill,” A teenage girl says from the back of the bank.

“You know the whole floating letters for introduction,” The girl continues.

“Number 1 I didn’t know girls actually watched Kill la Kill and number 2 those were floating red Japanese characters from Kill la Kill this book uses yellow letters learn the difference save a life,” I say.

“Wait we can all do that?” The girl asks.

“If you’re in this random ass book than yeah,” I answer.

“Well than my name is Amy Schumer,” The girl says. Yellow text appears next to the girl that reads.

 

Amy Schumer

Wait that’s not your fucking name

 

Everyone basically completely forgets that I’m there robbing the bank and starts screwing around with the yellow letter name labels.

 

“Seriously though like give me all your money bank,” I say.

“What happens if I say no,” A beefy security guard says looking sternly at me.

“Shit fam what if I give you 1,000 dollars then can I have peak inside the vault,” I reply.

“All right but once you’re out of the vault you better give me a thousand dollars,” The guard says.

“Will do,” I say as the guard opens the safe for me.

 

I start putting money in a bag and throw the guard a stack a thousand dollars.

I dump the money in the trunk of my purple mustang. I go back inside the bank and everyone has stopped dicking around with the floating yellow letters. The other two guards looked up and started running towards me. I took out one of my yellow yoyos and swung it towards one of the guards. The yoyo hits him square on the face and knocks him out. I then swing the second yellow yoyo knocking the second guard out, leaving only the guard I bribed. I then go up to the bribed guard.

 

“Hey buddy old pal, old chum, I was wondering could you move the rest of the money to the back seat of my car while I entertain the people hear at the bank,” I ask.

“Sure,” He says going towards the vault.

 

I then set up a stage. I put on a top hat and get on stage.

 

“Hello ladies and gentlemen of the bank I’m currently robbing blind, I will be your entertainment for this afternoon,” I say.

 

The people in the bank sit in the folding chairs I had set up.

 

“For my first trick, I’ll need a volunteer could I have someone from the audience?” I ask. A few audience members raise their hands.

 

I pick a young woman who looks about 20. She walks up to the stage. I hold out a hand full of cards.

 

“Pick a card,” I say.

 

She picks a card and puts it back into the deck. I shuffle the cards.

 

“Now if you don’t mind could you find it again,” I say handing her the deck. She ruffles through the deck searching.

“I can’t find it,” She says.

“Well most people keep their cards in their wallets,” I say smugly.

“No, no way,” She says smiling with wonder taking out her wallet.

 

She opens the card pocket and takes out a 7 of hearts.

 

“No way! What the fuck? How did you do that?” She asks curiously as the crowd applauses.

“You in the 3rd row 7th seat could you please check your bag,” I say. The woman in the 7th seat checks her purse to find a heart shaped box of chocolates.

“Holy shit 7th seat heart, 7 of hearts holy shit how did you know?” The lady says shocked.

 

I do a few more tricks until I hear police sirens, it’s the cops. I grab a bag of cash before I leave.

 

“You’ve all been such a lovely audience today you each get $5,000.00,” I say as the bribed guard passes out their money. They cheer as I walk out. Outside the door is a whole blockade of cops with assault rifles trained on me. There is a cop who is a bit taller than the rest and is wearing sunglasses and a silver scarf, he has a metal baseball bat over his shoulder.

 

“Hey you, you’re Captain Yoyo, infamous thief of New York, I’m Chief of Department Leo Mal of the NYPD and I’m going to stop you,” He says. Yellow letters float near him that say.

 

Chief of Department Leo Mal

Leader of the NYPD

 

“Men open fire,” Chief Mal says as all the cops begin firing at me.

 

Since this is a book and the protagonist can’t be killed by a nameless goon every shot misses completely.

 

“That’s some real storm trooper aim you got there fellas, but can I fight the big boy, one on one,” I say.

 

Chief Mal walks up to me.

 

“I have a wife named Claudia, I will not lose this fight,” The chief says.

 

I swing my two yoyos at him using them like maces. Yellow energy flows from them as I attempt to knock him out. They yoyos give him two cuts on his chest he swings at me with his bat. I dodge it there’s blue energy emanating off the bat. I dodge 2 more swings and then smack him in the face with a yellow yoyo. He staggers backwards.

 

“Captain Yoyo huh, more like Yoyo’s bizarre adventure,” Chief Mal says.

“That reference was as funny as inhaling antifreeze,” I say.

 

He smacks me in the chest with the baseball bat I stagger a little. I proceed to throw down a smoke bomb and disappear in the yellow smoke. I then peel off in my purple mustang. 100,000 cops begin to chase me in cop cars they are in hot pursuit. I take one small turn and throw a pillow in the face of the cop thats closest. They all crash into each other at the same time creating the world’s biggest pile up.

 


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