My Living Pain - CFS/M.E

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a story about some of the thing i have gone through in life and the struggle i have faced for so long. All my life i have lived with asthma and for the past few years i have been living with the invisable illness also known as CFS/M.E and well it hasn't been the easiest of life's

Submitted: February 20, 2017

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Submitted: February 20, 2017

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My Living Pain- CFS/ M.E

 

All my life I have been unwell, When i was young i was diagnosed with asthma  at the age of 1 and have struggled with it my whole life I am now 17 years old. My life has never been easy for me it was always a struggle because of my health and it didn't help i would catch the cold, flu, chest infections, urine infections, kidney infections, ear infections so easily and it would last for so long some days i could be ill for weeks and some times even months, unfortunately one of my other family members could easily catch all these viruses too and she could die and i wasn't willing to do that so it got to the point that over the years i got so unwell and lasted for so long i couldn't physically go to my auntie and uncle's house and when i wasn't unwell i was too busy trying to catch up on school work that i didn't have the time to see them..... it got so bad that ever since my uncle died in September, 2016 i couldn't help but blame myself for not spending enough time with him and even though i knew he loved me and i loved him and even though him and my auntie knew that most days i got so ill i couldn't come see them they didn't mind but now all i can think about is if i wasn't so unwell then i would have spent more time with him before he would have died and i wouldn't have this huge guilt inside of me that is never gonna go away because i lost some one really important in my life who was always there for me when ever i needed him and when i was sick he would take one look at me and hug me. 

 

Anyway back to the point, my health has got so bad it has taken over my life causing me to constantly be living in pain. For those people who are reading this and don't know what CFS/M.E is -

Myalgic Encephalopathy (M.E)

 

Heres the thing that most people don't know they don't realise what people like me have to go through daily. When ever you speak to some one and you tell them your exausted they think "oh yeah me too, i only slept for 3 hours last night. I was too busy catching up on homework then binge watched vampire diaries" well heres the thing hun you did that out of choice me on the other hand i could phyisically sleep, I'd close my eyes over and over again but not one inch of sleep, i tossed and turned all night minutes felt like hours but the hours never ended time went so slow and all you can think about is how tired you are and some days when you do fall asleep you wake up the next morning and it doesn't even feel like you even slept at all, but if you try and explain that to someone they just say "That happens to every one, not just you" or they reply with "Oh you're just being lazy get over yourself" Well if i could then i would. Do you really think i want to go through this every single night and day to the point I'm so tired in class I can feel my eyes closing slowly drifting away but if i fall asleep whats the chance i will wake up. Who says that if i fall asleep that i will wake up when the teacher nudges me or the bell rings. The amount of days where i come from school or seeing the family and i just collapse on my bed because i can't phyiscally take it anymore. I become so tired that i can't feel my own body, that I can no longer think and some days I can't even speak.  Most people don't know what that feels like. 

 

It's never ending most days it's such a struggle to get out of bed, to be able to pick up a tooth brush or pencil. To be able to walk to the toilet on your own, most people don't know what it's like to have to force yourself to get get out of bed, to comb your hair and brush your teeth. Most people don't know how much it hurts to even change clothes in the morning especially when you force yourself to do it because you would be too embarrassed if some one else had to do it for you. I try so hard to get through it but every day feels different every day i lose a little bit of hope, I'm living in hell in my own person hell that i will never be able to escape from. My life has become so much of a struggle that the days where i can't get out of bed i miss school meaning i lose a little bit of my education and if it wasn't hard enough for me with schools this adds on top of it because when i do eventually get back to school i have so much work to catch up on its never ending. Once i have finished one home work i have about 20 more to do not including the work i missed in class. How does one expect me to do that, to be able to cope with all of that with out all my other illnesses adding onto it but if you say to your teacher that you can't phyisically do the work because you have too many to catch up on they look you dead in the eye and say "Too bad, Maybe you should have turned up to class and you wouldn't have missed so much" Well if you're gonna be a cheeky bitchy then why don't you just ram the peice of shit up your ass and do it yourself because you know what I have had enough of all the teachers and their bullshit pretending they care about you, if you actually cared then you wouldn't be treating me like I'm a pile of shit on the street. You complain that our school has the worst reputation but yet you the teachers aren't giving us any respect at all so how do you expect us to treat you with respect for example if my biology teacher thinks he can scream in my face because i didn't hand in the past 5 homeworks. Heres the thing how many times do i have to tell you i can't do homework if i wasn't in the class to get the bloody homework and for you to repeatedly argue with me that i was there and think you are smart by saying "Well maybe you should actually come to class" Bitch if i could come to class then i would have, do you think i stay in my bed for pure pleasure that i enjoy laying there in pain and crying because i can't get out of bed or even pick up a bloody cup to hydrate myself. Do you honestly think that this is the life that i want.

 

How can people think I'm "Faking" a illness when i can't do anything. How can you think i'm "Faking"when i am losing so much of my hair  that it's near impossible to hide any patches that are bald. Do you really think that i find pleasure out of not being able to remember anything and some days i can't even remember who i am. What kind of person would find pleasure out of that. I can't even remember yesterday at all or well the day before that in fact. People just don't understand the kind of life we have to live and i don understand that and not every one will understand and i'm always going to expect someone to give me a dirty look or think "That girls just doing it for attention" Nah bitch, i would never wish this life upon anyone. Fortunately i managed to live a normal well a normalish child hood but i can no longer live the life i wanted for myself a few years ago if someone asked me what i wanted to do with my life i would have responded  education - collage or university. career- actress or primary teacher. Family- Yes, i would want a husband and kids. Will i get any of these things? probably not , in a few months i'm meant to be leaving secondary school forever and what will i be doing ... honestly i don't know on the 25th of february i had my last school ball the next day i couldn't walk. I was crawling on my hands and needs my legs were paralyzed but yet i felt all the pain every time i moved an inch, every time my foot would twitch the pain was unreal but the pain it didnt go away. I had to borrow crutches from my friend because i couldn't walk and still can't and it made me realise i will never live the life i want to live. I can't go to college or university because the amount of days i have to stay in bed. so looks like i might have to do online courses, but how can you do online courses when you don't know what on earth you can do with your life. I could do online courses on creative writing, jornalism and even teaching but 1- i'm not a good writer you have to have serious talent for that and 2 through my 15 years of education i have never seen a teacher who has to use crutches to get around or has to sit in a wheel chair. I don't think it is even possible for me to have children anymore or even a life. I can't even have a love life because everyone i love walks out on me because they can't handle the pain of seeing me so sick, this leading them to walk away and I do understand. I might hold a grudge for a long time but i know what it feels like to live this life... to hate myself each day and to cry each night wishing that it would all just disappear. I know that no matter how much i try to hold on and be positive it never works because i lose hope i'm an empty shell of the person i once was and i will never get that girl back... the girl who used to fight to get better not just health wise but as a person. I made a lot of mistakes in my past and i'm paying for all my sins i just slightly wish i no longer had to feel the pain. The person i have become now no longer believes in happiness but when i am around people i have to. I can't go to another thearipst and tell them my life story on everything i have went through in my life. I did that before and it tore me inside i can't do that again, I can't put myself through that pain. 

 

I'm 17 years old and my life has flashed in front of my eyes and made me realise i will never have the life i used to dream of when i was a little girl. It's going to be really difficult as the years go by watching my friends and families being happy and living their lives and when they ask me how i am and i tell them i am fine some days i'm gonna believe it most days i'm just gonna have to sit there and remember my life isn't worth living when i have no life to live. I'm never going to forget the things people have said to me in the past and i know for sure for the next 50 years I'm gonna hear the words"You're faking it" about a billion more times.

 

Where will my life take me...

where will i go.....


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