dear you

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
you hurt me a lot. i don't know why i still love you but i do.

Submitted: March 03, 2017

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Submitted: March 03, 2017

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I have daddy issues and you have mommy and daddy issues so I guess you win. I know you’ll never admit it but being given up for adoption at such a young age fucked you up. I remember on one of your many drunken nights you were stumbling around the room shouting my name as I stood in the corner on the phone with my mom. You fell into my arms as a hung up the phone and I made a quick remark about how annoying my mom was and the words you slurred quietly into my ear broke my heart, “At least one of your parents wanted you” you mumbled. Oh, my darling, how sober I became at the sounds of those words because how dare you ever feel unwanted. I didn’t know how to respond and you fell off me at the sound of someone calling your names for shots but the rest of the night I sat in that corner watching you. I promised myself right then I would never abandon you like your biological parents did. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep that promise.

 

Sure, it hurt when you hit me, but not in the sense that you would expect. I felt the bruises on my side every time I got out of bed and as I looked in the mirrors my eyes lingered on the purple finger marks around my neck. All these physical marks and pains you left on me weren’t what really hurt me though.  The real pain was in knowing that the person who was supposed to love me did this to me. The rage and power that filled your eyes every time you were about to lay your hands on me didn’t cause fear, it caused sadness and self-loathing towards myself. It got to the point where I was blaming myself for your actions.  I shouldn’t have pushed you to that breaking point, instead of fueling your anger I should have tried to calm you down. How sick that I blame myself for what you did? Even now, it would be a lie if I said I don’t still feel responsible for your actions against me. When I first began telling people about what you were doing to me I described it as your “temper”. I started with telling people only of the time you pushed me but don’t worry, it was my fault for being clumsy, right? I still don’t think anyone truly knows the extent of your abuse. That’s the first time I have ever called it abuse and that’s okay because that’s what it was. I’m tired of making excuses for you. My friends asked me, “Why don’t you just leave him?” but they don’t understand how hard it is to leave the person you love. After all you did to me I loved you, I still love you.


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