I Think We Need to Talk

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This short story was written in 2009 and is one of the first pieces of work I had the confidence to share with people. I had attempted two stories previously and found writing characters and dialogue challenging. To counter this I decided to attempt a 'love story', and this is the result.

Submitted: March 05, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 05, 2017



“I think we need to talk”

By Paul Phillips


My name is James McCarthy and the next hour is pretty much going to sort out what direction my life takes. I am currently standing outside the door of Sally Keane and am about to ring the bell. It is something I have done many, many times before but this time, it is different. This time, I have no clue what is going to happen when I see her and that terrifies me. It terrifies me because for the last few days Sally has not been speaking to me and the last time we were in the same room she ran out crying and upset. She had screamed at me that I had let her down and betrayed her trust and for the first time in years she had not returned my calls or texts. I have spent the last few days sulking in my room reviewing my old diaries and trying to piece together exactly how the hell we had got to this point! I can’t tell you the shock and excitement when last night I received a text from her saying “My place at eight tomorrow. We need to talk. Sally” I cannot tell you how many times I have read that text since last night. I have analysed it until my head hurt….is she still mad? Why no kisses on the end? She is still mad….but if she is still mad why would she want to see me? I still have no answer to any of those questions. I had text back and said I would be there but nothing had come back. The phone was cold. It has driven me crazy! For the first hour, I had pretty much sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the phone praying for it to go off! Begging her silently to get in touch so we could open a communication maybe even sort it out there and then rather than wait. 

An hour later I had come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to ring. With about twenty-four hours to go, I had time to kill and nothing to do, so I turned to my diaries. I read them pretty much from cover to cover. At times it was hard, at others it made me smile but it was fulfilling. I think having read them I can pretty much pinpoint the moment where things started to take shape. I can see moments where maybe I should have been braver or points where everything seemed to be perfect and I lost my bottle and did nothing. With the ending still to be decided, it was very strange to basically read our story through my eyes. As the thought of climbing these stairs and ringing that bell is still making me sick I would like to share with you a few of the most relevant entries. A few of the dates that I feel tell the story of me and Sally far better than I can at the moment. Maybe you will see things different to me. Maybe you will think I have not missed the chances that I believe I have, hell maybe you will understand why she screamed at me but at least you will know my story and understand why I couldn’t in my eyes make a move, why others see missed opportunities but I see happy moments not spoiled by me and my feelings.  Whatever opinions you have of me after you have read this I will take comfort that at least two people will see the world through my eyes...


10th August 2010

Oh, what a shit day! Me and Jane are arguing again so I am back at mums! Don’t see us lasting at this rate. Went to the pub for a quick one with my old man and he said the same. If you spend more time moved out at your parents than you do in your family home something is wrong! Work wasn’t great either! Scott has asked me to take a new girl under my wing and show her the ropes. Some girl called Sally. She seemed ok, maybe a bit quiet but then again it could just be because she is new. She is a pretty thing long blonde hair and really cute little smile. Not my cup of tea, however, I bet she will turn heads in this place! Can’t believe I am back at my parents’ house. Surely tomorrow can’t get any worse!


11th August 2010

 I was wrong. This may be the worst day of my life.

Woke up this morning to a text from Jane saying she needed to speak to me as soon as possible. After a shower and a brew, I gave her a ring fully expecting a sorry or at worst a "we need to talk" Got neither she told me she has been having an affair for the last three months and it is best if I move out. That’s  right the women who talked me into writing this fucking diary as a way of expressing myself is now the reason I am making an entry about her cheating on me!! Well, fuck it this is the last time I do this! Last diary entry ever!  I always said doing this was fucking stupid!!!!



13th August 2010

 I can’t believe I am writing this again! I know a few days ago I swore I would never do this stupid thing again but the strangest thing has happened. I missed it! For years Jane would tell me that I lived in my own bubble. That even to her I was a closed book that would rather keep my feelings to myself and go over things in my head than out loud in the real world with real people so we decided a diary was a way to combat this. I agreed I would type up my thoughts and feelings in a diary and maybe that would make it easier for me to share my feelings with her.

Sadly Jane shared a few things of her own with at least one other man before I got the chance to become a modern man but the thrill of putting my ideas and feelings down on paper must have had some effect. I have wanted to write them down for the past two nights I think I’ve actually missed it. In one last act of rebellion against that cheating bitch, I am going to keep this up. Then when I finally meet somebody I may be open and honest enough to stop her sleeping with other people!

As for the last few days well they have been as good as I thought they would. One particular highlight was an argument on the stairs where despite me having all the upper hand (she cheated and I was moving out because of this disgusting behaviour!) I still managed to look like the world’s biggest tool by falling backwards down a flight of stairs. That’s right I ended up arse up with a box of CD’s cracked and all over the floor. Yep, it has been THAT good! For the reward of calling my ex-girlfriend a cheating tart I slipped, smashed a perfectly good (some would say excellent) CD collection and really hurt my arse. On a positive note, it only takes a broken heart to discover how much your friends like you. I have been out every night since the disgusting women slept with the giant prick she is with probably right now! Right now as I fill in a self-help diary she is probably having sex with a giant prick and I don’t care because I am pissed! Really, really pissed! Been out with Stuart, Mark and Sally from work! It was a surprisingly fun night Ironic that my pain and humiliation was the subject of so much laughter. When I sober up I may have to get new friends. Off to sleep now. If I wake up sober and decide that this is stupid then at least my last diary entry is slightly better than last time!


14th August 2010

Well, at least I’m not dead. Feel like it. God knows how I made it through work. Spent 90% of the day trying to not throw up or fall asleep. Poor Sally must think I am a right prick! My idea of showing her the ropes today was to ignore her and hide as far away from her as possible. The moment you realise you have told a girl when you were drunk the story of the CD’s and the arse, you owe it to yourself to stay as far away from her as possible. Other than that it was a passable day. Anyway, I am off to bed soon, going to play Dig Out Your Soul one more time before sleep. It’s amazing how much Oasis can cheer me up. From the first notes of this album to the last Jane doesn’t exist. I am not in my mum and dads house and I am probably not going to die alone. Alone in a house with a pet monkey according to Sally! Hats off to you Mr Gallagher you never fail me!


18th October 2010 

What a great day! Have managed to sort myself a way out of the mum and dad situation! Mark at work has a roommate that is moving out in a few weeks! He suggested that I could take the room! Really feeling happy right now! Will be brilliant to have my own space again and Mark is a legend! Can only see fun times ahead! I have even agreed to go on a night out with work! Normally I am the first to say over my dead body to any forced work fun but this time, I have happily agreed to go to the quiz next week. Me, Sally, Mark and Stuart have decided to enter and secretly I am looking forward to it! Since Jane I have really started to see the guys at work differently and have really enjoyed their company. Who knows maybe I am becoming a normally functioning member of society. Sally joked last week that her new aim in life is to find me a wife! I wish her well! Time to start moving on!


23rd October 2010

Well, quiz nights are brilliant. Cannot believe I have never been to one before. I don’t think I have laughed that much on a night out in years. As a team we were appalling. Really appalling! I think we finished last but I really do not care. It was a fantastic night and I am once again pissed. Sally is a very bad influence. Despite our team and others slowly emptying out me and her managed to stay in the office until Big Boss Man David chucked us out! She is a real laugh that girl! Can’t believe she has been single for over a year! There is a problem when a girl like that is single yet big Sue in accounts is married…it makes no sense!!!


10th November 2010

Today has been an Odd day. A really, really odd day. Started out well enough Sally passed me her friends Kate number over E-mail. We met last week as I mentioned and seemed to hit it off so for the first time in months I went out at dinner with the prospect of female company at the weekend. Then it got odd. As a thank you to Sally I was in HMV picking her up a copy of The Beatles White Album (How she got to her age without owning it is beyond me!) when boom, and I hate Mark for introducing the word “boom” to my life, in the queue there was Jane and she smiled at me! Smiled at me like an old friend rather than a cheating bastard that broke my heart and left me renting a room with a friend rather than part owning one with a girlfriend!!

I really don’t understand myself and how my mind works because I felt and did NOTHING. All the times over the last few months I have thought about what I would say to her if I had the chance  yet it hit me in the line in HMV that I don’t care about her anymore. I can admit now that I loved her. I loved her more than I have loved anything other than Liam Gallagher and Leeds United but today she means nothing to me.

Now as I know I normally get somebody to tell me if I did the right thing and other than Mark who told me I should have let her have it both barrels everyone told me I did the right thing in leaving the queue and buying the CD downstairs. I feel surprisingly proud of myself. I got a date, I introduced a musical heathen to the Beatles and I blanked my ex. I am growing.


14th November 2010 

Well, that went well! I am writing this on Sunday morning from memory rather than the more traditional end of day diary session! Went on my first “first date” with a girl for god knows how long last night. Kate was everything I remembered and more. The second she entered the restaurant I was drawn to her. She really is a good looking girl! Lovely blonde hair and a smile that melted my heart and to top it off she is also a lovely girl as well! We really hit it off! Lots and lots of laughter and some film or another at the pictures and I am so happy I could fly right now! We shared a taxi home and exchanged a brief but wonderful kiss! Really am on cloud nine this morning! Of course, I rang Sally this morning and she told me (without actually telling me!) that Kate enjoyed herself too. I have promised to e-mail her later to arrange a second date! I am really over the moon! I even refuse to allow Mark and his disgusting advice as to what I should have done at the end of the date bring me down! Going to spend the rest of today relaxing and listening to music! I know just the band for this occasion!


19th December 2010 

Well, well what a twat bag of a day. A proper TWAT of a day!!!! Got up early to go see Kate, she cancelled on me last night as she said she wasn’t well. Knowing I was off away with the lads to the match I decided to show my loving side and go round with some soup and maybe have a little cuddle before I set off. Sounds like a great plan, doesn’t it!! Go see your girl, take her soup crawl in under the sheets for a hug and a warm embrace before going away with my mates to watch the match. Well, I guess the best plans really do go tits up. Turned up, looked under the door mat to get the spare key let myself in quietly thinking I would surprise her (HA!!) put the soup in the kitchen tip toe into the bedroom and what a sight!!! My little perfect Kate doing things to a much larger than me man (at least in height I never really saw his man bits!) that no girl should do to a man that is not her partner! Must be a record? In one calendar year, I have managed to convince two women to not only leave me but to do it by sleeping with other people!!! My reaction was wonderful as well. I ran for the front door. Dropped the key and legged it home. So before nine in the morning, I found myself drinking whisky with Mark who LAUGHED when I told him LAUGHED!!!!

Pissed by ten I stumbled into the car where my friends decided to help me come to terms with things. They played Elvis fifty greatest love songs (on repeat!!) for the full four-hour trip. As big a fan as I am normally of Always on my Mind, I never ever want to hear it again! EVER! Lucky for me I am a Leeds fan so the football can always be relied upon to cheer me up. The ground had no roof and it rained from the moment we got in till the moment we stormed out in the eighty-ninetieth minute. We got smashed beyond believe during the game, suffered a record defeat and the police locked us out of the car park because some dickheads were fighting! And just to top it off when we finally made it back into the car the song that started playing...ALWAYS ON MY MIND. The real issue I have right now is that if I had to pick which hurt the most between Girl Friend sleeping with a man that, from the angle I had, seemed better built and better looking than me or Leeds losing SIX – ONE in the rain I would plump for the football!!! If I didn’t know it would hurt I swear I would turn gay! Only bright point is that Sally came by the flat to cheer me up! Swear to God she is maybe the only person in the world that can always make me smile. If I don’t write another entry it’s because I have woke up realised the above was not a dream and killed myself! What a twat bag of a day!!!!


22nd July 2011

Hmmmmm I didn’t enjoy today much. Got into work early and had my head down working when Sally came in with a face like thunder and slumped into her chair. I asked her what was up and she just said she didn’t want to talk about it. Me being the socially skilled man that I am figured that meant that she actually didn’t want to talk about it and went back to work. Ten minutes my e-mail goes off and I am shocked to see it is from Sally. The girl sat right opposite e-mailed me! So I have a read and she is not happy! Apparently, she listens to me and all of my issues yet when she clearly needs a friend I am ignoring her! I’m not going to lie I was puzzled, I tell her over mail that I did ask but I assumed that not wanting to talk about things meant not talking about them and for me to keep out of it and leave her alone! She replied with a lol (I hate that! just say ha! Text talk is on my list of things that piss me off!!) And said that I am just about awkward and socially defunct enough to not be rude but to be cute!

From this point on we e-mailed all day. I am not joking we must have broken e-mail records! God knows how little work we did but me and her had one of the most intense and thought-provoking conversations I have ever had with anyone and we did it without even talking to each other! It turns out that Sally has been having some problems with an ex-boyfriend. He has made the leap from clingy to a bit stalky and today it had all got on top of her. She was in a real state but by the end of the day, I had managed to get the pretty little smile back on her face. She really is the bollocks that girl. Someone is going to be lucky with her! Can’t believe I have known her less than a year and she is one of my closest friends in the world. I have promised to make more of an effort to take her out to get her mind off her problems over the next few months! It is my job as her daft but cute friend apparently!


18th December 2010 

Something bad happened last night. Something really, really bad! And I really don’t know how to fix it! As I mentioned yesterday I was really looking forward to the Christmas Do! A tough few weeks at work and a few harder weeks helping Sally try and cope with the passing of her mother we were all looking forward to letting our hair down and having a laugh. A night to forget everything but the lager was the way we had planned it. Once again plans are for wankers. Nothing good ever comes when I use the word plan!! The night started well, a few quick drinks in the Bar Work before heading to the Met Hotel for a meal and a piss up! I don’t really remember any of the details of the not strange part of the evening. I know at one point me, Mark and Dave attempted to race from one end of the corridor to the other. I think I won but more by default than actual fitness. Dave is old and Mark was so drunk that before the race he had tried it on with Brutal Betty from Personnel. I am not the world’s most picky man but I would rather chop it off and feed it to a dog than go near her. Mark, on the other hand, considered it a challenge. I need new friends.

Anyway back on track at about half ten I found myself in the now familiar position of sitting next to Sally with my arm round her in total silence. We call them our little moments. No words are needed, as I am me it is often best if I don’t talk during these as I have ruined them in the past by talking about football and bears, anyway mid-moment she turned and looked me in the eye and told me that she really cared for me. She said and I can quote this because if I live to be one hundred I will never forget it “You are a really special guy James. You are my best friend in the world. I love you to pieces” I was shocked. I am not actually able to deal with these situations normally. I would nine times out of ten have run away, but this felt different. It felt special so from somewhere I managed to spit out that I loved her too and that she is also really special. I know I used the words “most special person I have ever met” and that I promised I would always try to do my best to make her happy. And then nothing happened. NOTHING. Sure we finished the cuddle. We had another drink and I walked her hand in hand to the taxi rank but nothing more was said. It is strange the best thing I can say about her is that the moment she got in the taxi I started missing her. She is a special but weird bird!


05th January 2012

Why do women have to be so strange!!! I know it is rich coming from me a man in his early thirties that lives with his best friend. A best friend so stupid I really think NASA should do tests on him but girls are odd! I have gone back and checked my memory and diary for what happened at the Christmas party and to me, it was a lovely moment. Two friends saying they loved each other this, however, is clearly not what Sally got from the evening!

The day, after all, was well. She had rung me and we had gone for lunch. She had brought it up and said “it’s not every day you tell someone you love them” and I had done the decent thing. I had been the gentlemen and said “yeah but it was me and you so it doesn’t count”. To me, that is a funny joke that removes any tension before it arrives! It didn’t work because from that joke to know she has hardly spoken to me! She left the restaurant early because the poor thing was sick and from that point on I have been getting one-word responses!!! I don’t get it! I really don’t understand what is up but I don’t want to ask her because I know that I should know what I have done! I am going to have to tough this one out!


28th February 2012

Finally a bloody break through! After almost a month of moodiness and odd behaviour (longest period ever according to Mark!), Sally is back. Kind off! She E-mailed me this morning asking me if it was free for tea after work. I didn’t mention that Leeds were at home I jumped at the chance and said yes! I was that relieved that she was talking to me again!!! I would happily have missed anything to sort this out!

So after a still frosty work day we set off to the Burger Grill near work and by God, it was like time had flipped back! The moment we sat down she was back to normal. She told me she had missed me and that it didn’t matter anymore why she was upset. Apparently, she has come to terms with me and my ways again. Not going to lie I had no idea what she was talking about but I was so happy that she was smiling at me again that I didn’t care! We ended the night sitting on the bench outside the taxi rank just like the old days.

I really didn’t want the moment to end but my bloody luck a load of Leeds fans came storming around the corner chanting at the top of their voices. Funny when Sally found out I missed the match to go for tea she looked at me oddly shock her head and said I was a hard one to work out. Pot kettle black love!!!


14th April 2012

Strangest thing happened tonight. Sally told me she had a surprise for me and that I would find out in the bar after work. She said it would explain her recent happy mood. The surprise which is great news is that she has found someone! Apparently, they have been seeing each other since a few weeks after the Christmas party 

I wondered if that was why she was so moody, maybe the pressure of not telling had made her go odd but Mark made a good point when he asked wouldn’t being with someone new make her happy?

Once again I have no clue what is going on ha! Anyway, his name is Gavin and I’m not that keen really! He seemed full of himself. Any man that uses the words “hey hands off my bird mate” to her best friend when he hugs her is a right cock in my eyes. Mark was going to knock him out until I pulled him out of the pub. That, however, may have had more to do with him being a Man Utd fan than anything else. Anyway, she seems very happy with him which is all that matters to me it is very, very odd seeing him kiss her on the lips and play with her hair. It is like watching someone kiss my sister. When I told Mark that he helpfully offered to knock his scum lips off for me. I love my friend.


27th April 2012

Well, it is official I hate Gavin. I mean really hate him. I have no clue what a lovely little thing like my Sally is doing knocking about with a giant knob like him. She must be mental! One night in the pub and he managed to offend every single one of her work friends!

His attitude is awful; he has done EVERYTHING and done it BETTER than everyone. I have never known a man be called a wanker this much in one night and I live with Mark! And what’s worse is that it is slowly dawning on me there is no more me and Sally really!!!

At work yes, we can e-mail and chat but on nights out now the world’s biggest knob is always going to be there.

How can one person hate the Gallagher brothers, hate Leeds United and wear a vest (in public!!!) with sunglasses tucked in the front no less yet still be dating the best-looking girl in the bar. She really must have flipped!!! Yet when I got home I got a text saying how happy she was that me and Gavin got on (What the fuck!!!!) and that she really wants me to come to dinner next week. A whole night with that prick!!!

Yet I really have no choice. The options as I see it are a night with Sally and deal with the prick or a Football Manager session with Mark?

I text her back and told her I was looking forward to it already.


06th May 2012 

So this is worrying now. Having felt sick all day and really wanting to cancel I ended up going to the meal. I was really going to drop out at about half two but at that exact moment she came over gave me a massive hug and said she was really excited about tonight! Call me a fool but a pretty girl with nice smelling hair giving me a hug could convince me to kill a family member never mind go for a meal so I lost my bottle smiled and told her I was too.

After a taxi home so I could freshen up I went for the meal and had a pretty good time! I mean he is still a total bell end. I took Sally a CD called the Beady Birds the best of the Gallagher brothers solo music, all my picks so obviously good songs, and he took one look and said she could “play it when I’m not around” my response was pretty brilliant I looked him in the face smiled and said “whatever knob head go find a ditch and die in it!” just need to say it out loud next time! Still, Sally looked amazing. She had a red dress on and let her long hair down all night she really looked beautiful and we had a great time. He was there but offered nothing to the night really. It felt to me like me and her were the only people in the room.

I left at about eleven feeling brilliant…..and then things got worrying I got in and left Mark playing Football Manager while I went to bed. I had had such a good night I was going to do this in the morning but I have had the oddest dream ever.

Basically, in my dream me and Sally where Sally and Gavin! We were a couple! Not a dirty dream, I could cope with that, it was a dream where we hosted a dinner party as a couple. Ironically just as dream James and Sally were going to bed I woke up in a hot sweat and have not been able to sleep since.

After getting a drink I decided to not discuss this with Mark he was still on the PC and his advice would probably not have been the greatest! However now for the first time, I am thinking of Sally as not a pretty sister but just a stunning girl that I really get on with and that is going out with the world’s biggest knob. As I look in the mirror I realise that I am currently putting this in a diary as I sit in my pants drinking milk…..this to me is evidence that I am not capable of making  sense of any of this but the person I would normally turn to is my new dream wife. I really don’t know what to do. I am going to have to try and sleep but I think the odds of me getting much kip are slim……

 25TH May 2012

I think I did something really stupid last night. It is the kind of thing that you know is going to come back and haunt you. That’s right sadly I confided my personal issues with someone just as messed up as me. After three weeks of Sally been off with me for God knows what reason I decided enough was enough and asked her for a drink after work. She said no. So I reached out to the only other man in the office with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night and asked Stuart to the pub. 

What a pair we must have looked as we sat in the corner of a bar sharing our feeling and drinking to the point of stupidness.

I told him the lot. I told him that I actually hated Gavin; in fact, I really hated him. I hated him because he was so confident, he was so full of shit but mostly I hated him because he had Sally. I told him that over the last few weeks I have seen her differently. She is not just stunning but she is perfect for me.

He told me that EVERYONE in the office knew this before me. Everyone apparently (including the tool I live with who has never said anything to me about it!!!) has discussed it and apparently a lot of the girls in the office were rooting for me. Ignoring the outrage that people are “rooting” for me rather than advising me

I really am stumped now. I am going to type out my logic here so I can read it back and see if it makes sense. If everyone knows then Sally who is good at feelings and knowing what is going on must also know. So if Sally knows and is mad at me she must be really pissed off that I feel like I do and am making it obvious. So for me, the answer is that I have to bury this and move on!

If it makes her be this mad with me I need to get over it because I can’t lose her friendship!!

Today I have called in sick but over text, Stuart has promised me to say nothing to no one about last night’s chat. From tomorrow I am going to start operation get a girl and get my friend back. Reading this back it does make sense but the last line does nothing to disprove the rumour that I am a possibly gay man!!!


20TH August 2012 

Mother Fucker!!!! It is not worth it!!! Really not worth it!!!!! Work nights out are done for me now. Never again am I putting myself through this crap!

I was really looking forward to this as well. A curry night with the office and partners invited. I was really looking forward to everyone meeting Sam, after all, I have talked about her a lot during the two and half month we have been going out! Everything had been going perfectly. Me and Sally had been back on track I was really happy with Sam. I know Mark tries to wind me up by saying I am dating Sally lite and that they must be sisters but I know he is just jealous.

This girl is wonderful and so far faithful which is a massive bonus with my recent record!  Anyway, all was going well. Everyone loved Sam until towards the end of the meal Sally asks for a word outside. Thinking nothing of it I potter out with a dumb grin on my face until she begins really laying into Sam. Apparently, she is not good enough for me and I shouldn’t be wasting my time with someone as boring and dull as her!!

I was at first shocked but that soon turned to anger and boy did I blow. I admit the things I said about Gavin may have gone too far but I had months of built up aggression over him and was really upset over this attack on Sam. I stormed out of the place and while I did appreciate the sorry text I got deep down I am not happy. I don’t know how much more I can take off all of this!!

09th September 2012

I don’t understand what happened tonight. More to the point I still don’t understand why I ever let it get to this point. Everyone from my Mum to Mark told me that a double date was a bad idea. Yes, you love Sally like a sister they said but she hates Sam and I have to work very hard to not punch Gavin every time I am in the same room as him. Deep down I think I only agreed because being stuck in limbo was killing me.

I do have real feelings for Sam she is a great girl but deep, deep down I know she is not Sally. I also know that I am never getting Sally so is it better to be with the next best thing or be with no one? I really don’t know but I hate myself for stringing this beautiful kind loving girl along.

Sadly I know that none of this is an excuse for what happened. No matter how many times I go over it in my head and I have thought about it none stop for the last six hours I still don’t understand we acted how we did. It was selfish and wrong.

I know that I am the lowest of the low.

The real shame is that the night started off so well. We all seemed to be putting the effort in and dare I say it me and Gavin almost found common ground in discussing politics. The drink was flowing and everyone was merry until me and Sally said we would stack the dishwasher while Gavin and Sam walked to the local to stock up on more booze.

One playful jab that is all it took.

One well-aimed jab by me to her ribs and a play fight was on, it was a good laugh until she stumbled forward making me catch her in my arms. At that moment our eyes locked. The entire room seemed to shrink and it seemed the most natural thing in the world to kiss….and kiss we did. It seemed to last forever but it reality it was over in seconds as the sound of the front door opening broke our embrace with a bang.

Embarrassed I did everything I could to get us out but Sam insisted that we stay as she was having such a good time. Again my logic fails here because when I realised I was stuck there I turned my attention to getting alone with Sally,

I had to know why it had happened and what it meant so I followed her upstairs when she went to get something. In hers and Gavin’s bedroom, I hugged her and neither of us spoke. We just hugged and held each other. Until a sudden dull thump broke us up and I hit the floor with a crash.

Gavin caught me with a hell of a punch and I went down with a thump. He then began screaming and shouting and calling me all the names under the sun. I got to my feet and tried to reason with him but it turned nastier and soon we were both punching and fighting each other right there in his bedroom. Thankfully Sam’s screams managed to bring me to my senses and I took her hand and fled the house. As we reached the end of the drive I looked back and saw him standing in the doorway busted nose screaming insults at me.

Sadly my memory of the evening will always be of Sally stood next to him tears flowing down her face looking helpless and upset. I feel like the world’s biggest bastard. Right now I am off to join Sam in bed. She was fast asleep when I got up to do this an hour or so ago. Looking down on her I felt more pain and shame than I ever have in my life.

The guilt I felt when she believed my babbled excuse that he caught us hugging and overreacted is something that will stay with me for a long time. I know already that tomorrow I have to let her go. It is not fair to do this to her. Both of these girls deserve better than me.

12th September 2012

So today is the first day I have seen Sally since the fight and the kiss. We do what we have become good at and ignore it. She offers a shoulder to cry on when I tell her about me and Sam breaking up but at the same time, she tells me that we can’t really acknowledge our friendship publicly anymore.

 She said she loves me as a friend but she loves Gavin as well and she needs us both in her life.

Her way of keeping both is to make me and her some kind of dirty secret. No nights out, deleted on Facebook but still e-mail at work and carry on as normal nine to five her exact words were that nine to five would be Sally and James time. I know I crushed her when I told her but I can’t accept that. I told her that if that was the deal I was out. She didn’t speak to me the rest of the day and she didn’t reply to my e-mails other than to say she was ok and we would be fine.

 15TH November 2012

Thank god that is done. Today after nine happy years I have handed in my notice at work. It’s not I want to leave the job or the firm but I can’t keep going through these things with Sally and I can’t keep messing up other people’s lives.

I know Sally told Gavin that me and her were friends and nothing more and that he had to deal with it but you can feel the tension when we are all in a room and none of us can be ourselves anymore. I don’t know how to act towards her now. She is more than a friend to me but if I act like that will it make trouble for her at home?

After a lot of soul-searching, I have decided to take makers into my own hands and do what I do best. I am running away! I know that by doing this I am destroying what is left of mine and Sally’s relationship but I really believe it is better for both of us.

She and Gavin seem to be happy and even if they were not, me and her just wouldn’t work. I don’t believe in fairy tales and me and Sally were destined to not get the happy ending that apparently everyone in the office wanted.

I really hope that the tears she shed today when I told her I was leaving are the last I ever cause her. I agreed with her when she said the idea of not seeing each other every day made her feel sick. I feel it too but I know I am doing the right thing. This is the only way. 

05th January 2013

Today Sally told me she and Gavin had split up. She told me that he had hit her previously and last night he hit her for the last time. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone as she would feel embarrassed.

I swear I will hunt him down and make him pay for hurting her. I know that this means that me and her can stay friends after I am gone but I can’t see any happiness at the moment. The person I care the most about in the world has been suffering in silence for months and there is nothing I can do to make it better for her! I am too depressed to even keep writing this. I just really hope that we can have a nice fun night on the thirteenth for my leaving do. Just Like the old days. 

13th January 2013

Was it too much to ask for me to leave with everybody happy?

I swear one day they will publish this diary as a comedy. I had two aims for tonight one to avoid any form of speech that would make me cry but that was gone by ten as Sally did my presentation and broke me with her words. I asked for a copy of it because I really can’t believe anyone would say such nice things about me! Mark couldn’t either. He read it and said, “funny she left out you being a giant knob,” I say it all the time but I need new friends.

Anyway, aim two was to make sure Sally had a good time. I wanted to remember tonight as a flashback to the good old days. I wanted us to smile none stop, to talk none stop and to fall into separate taxis home but not stop texting until the sun was coming up.

All of this was happening. She looked radiant and had a massive smile on her face that seemed as if it would last forever. I remember looking at my phone at nine thirty just before I went outside to make a call and wishing tonight would never end. Sadly it did end and it ended with me getting slapped and kicked in the leg very hard. Half way through my phone call I heard the door slam and turned to see Sally charging towards me half crying half angry. I killed the call but before I could ask what was up she was screaming at me that I let her down, that I had no bottle, that I couldn’t see what was in front of me and that I needed to stop being a socially awkward tosser and live in the real world (she had me bang to right with most of that to be fair!) I tried to calm her down, to ask what was up but she just slapped me and kicked out at me! As she stormed off she screamed over her shoulder she never wanted to see me again. Hurt doesn’t even begin to explain what I was feeling when she said that.

I just slumped down against the wall and sat there for ten minutes. I couldn’t physically move. I had no idea what had just happened or why but deep down I always knew it would come to this. I will say it again I don’t believe in happy endings and this is such a spectacularly bad ending that I believe it proves me right.

Eventually, Mark came outside to “save me” he offered me a lager and explained what had happened. Even now I laugh because the alternative is to cry. As fate would have it as I left the room to make a call Stuart made a move for Sally...

In his odd little head, this was exactly the right moment to tell her about mine and his chat. Mark says that his theory was I was single, she was single and if it was left up to us it would never happen. That’s right a forty-year-old man that lives with his mum and dad and who to mine and all his other friend's knowledge has never had a girlfriend decided to fix my love life!!!!! You can’t make that shit up!!! Anyway, Sally got mad and the rest I saw, heard and felt. I didn’t really feel like going back in so I left. On my own leaving do I got a Burger King and went to bed alone before midnight. There is nothing more to say this is a real life low.


So there you have it. You know the rest. You know I went home and waited and waited for contact. You know one text message has made me reread years’ worth of diaries. Not just read them but pick out highlights from my own diary in a bizarre and odd way of trying to explain my life. 

I guess I have put it off enough long enough so I lift my hand and knock on her door. Every part of me is nervous. Inside I hear footsteps as she approaches. I see her outline in the glass and I start to feel weak at the knees. There no chance to run now, the door is opening. She is dressed in a t-shirt and jogging bottoms…that can’t be good in my head dressed down means I am getting the elbow and this is the last time I will see her. However, my head has been wrong over this before. Maybe dressed down is because she like me is nervous and wants to feel comfortable. I need to stop thinking and talk now because it has been five seconds. Our eyes meet “hi really glad you text” I manage to spit out and it took all my effort to just say that. She smiles at me (is that a pity smile or a good I’m glad to see smile……I have to stop this!) “I’m glad you came” she says in a voice that is giving nothing away “we need to talk” and with that she heads  turns and walks leaving me to I follow her inside…………………….





















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