What it's Like

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Review Chain
This is a true story. Crazygirl's story. My story. This is what it's like to have to live everyday with social anxiety and the only person who knows is your best friend who is helpless to do anything about it. This is what I go through, but also how I cope with it.

Submitted: March 05, 2017

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Submitted: March 05, 2017



My heart starts to beat at 200 beats per minute, my face turns beat red, my voice comes out in a low whisper, if it comes out at all. A lot of people I know don't even know what my voice sounds like if it weren't for my leadership skills. For some reason I'm great when it comes to leading and talking to a group of people all at once, but it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff when someone just tries to make small talk. It's terrifying. And no matter what I do, nothing can cure it. I had no idea about my social anxiety until January 4, 2017. I read more about it and got scared when I saw that it could cause a depression. It wasn't until a month later that I figured out that I already had a depression. To read more about that, read both my essay and script with the same title, Alone. Anyway, after I found out about it, I became to be more aware. I knew that I didn't talk much, and I knew that I hated social activities and just wanted to shrink into the wall if someone tried to come talk to me, but it wasn't until after a church activity that I started to get curious. That's when I found out the name. Social anxiety is not a laughing matter and anyone who might think that is an idiot. For a person who has social anxiety, life is hard. There are so many things you want to do, that you imagine yourself doing. Things that would maybe even change your life for the better. But you can't do it. This is because it almost always includes socializing with other people. Think of it this way. 

I want you to take a moment and think of your greatest fear... got it? Now, I want you to think of your fear following you where ever you go and no matter how hard you try, there is no escaping it. Your palms are sweaty, you're beathing hard and fast, your heart is beating, pumping blood through your body, getting ready for you to run. And you do. As fast as your legs can take you. But eventually you come to a dead end and you turn around to find that your fear is right behind you. You're closed in. Trapped. So what do you do? You have no choice but to stand there and face it. 

There is no easy cure, but there are distractions. Way to avoid people but still feel happy doing what you love doing. For me it's writing, drawing. But I have also found a way to be free from it. A way that the chains are lifted. The walls torn away. Ever since I started drama club, I have wanted to go back to it every day, for it to last forever. When I act, I become a different person. I just take a deap breath and let it go. Clear my mind of any rules I set, or any fears I once had. I just let go. Let everything flow out freely. Everyone who has social anxiety has a way to escape it, if only for a little while. Some people just haven't found it yet. I'm just glad that I have. It's not a long term cure, but it does give you a break. 


This is how my life is. Let's say, that every time I get more anxious, more closed off for whatever reason, a chain forms on my body. Let's go throughout my day. I wake up to the sound of the alarm, in the middle of whatever dream I was having, a chain forms on my wrist. (1) I get dressed, do my hair (2) and makeup (3). I then go down stairs to get breakfast. See mem and sister already downstairs (4). Realize there are no bagels (5). I then go to see what sister is watching, notice it's an episode of the middle I've seen a dozen times (6). See the time, 10 minutes until school (7). Grab my viola and backpack, find mom (8) tell her it's time to go to school (9). Look at the time while in the car, five minutes until school starts (10). Drop off viola, see group of friends talking, keep head down so they don't notice me (11). They do and say hi. (12) Go to locker, bump into someone I don't know (13). Try my locker combination, doesn't work (14), try again. Race to class, notice I'm breathing hard (15). Get to seat, notice I'v sweating (16). Teacher calls on me (17). Give the wrong answer (18). Choose groups (19), find Mciael, can't find anyone else (20). Class goes late (21). Brush against multiple people on my way to my locker (22). Race to next class. Math teacher goes too slow (23, 24, 25). Art. Adriana talks to me (26, 27). Jaden complements me on my work (28). Mr. Wocknick comes by desk (29). Hello plays on radio (30, least favorite song). Get drink from drinking fountain no one else uses (31). Go to next class. Get there before anyone else, people still packing up from last class (32). Start practicing viola with no one else practicing (33). Half way through the day. I end up with about 60 chains on me by the end of the school day. 60 heavy chains, wighing me down. Then I get to drama, where everything turns around. There. That's what it's like to be me. 

"People think I've gotten better, but really I've just gotten better at hiding it."

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