To The Woman Who Hates Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
To the woman who hates me:
I see you. I know you are there, lurking behind the keyboard, obsessing and scowling at every social media page, every picture, and every post. I feel your energy of hatred, disgust, envy and disdain being thrust at me with every view, with every rage-filled thought towards me.

Submitted: March 06, 2017

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Submitted: March 06, 2017

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To the woman who hates me:

I see you. I know you are there, lurking behind the keyboard, obsessing and scowling at every social media page, every picture, and every post. I feel your energy of hatred, disgust, envy and disdain being thrust at me with every view, with every rage-filled thought towards me. I push the energy back and refuse to allow it affect my life the way it once did.  The pain of what you put me through, what you put my child through and the jealousy-fueled hell you unleashed on my life still lingers. I am still recovering from the damage you caused and while I don’t understand, and likely will never understand, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, for trying to destroy my life, my daughter’s life and for recklessly destroying your own children’s lives.

I am an imperfect woman, just like you, just like the rest of us. I have insecurities, doubts, fears and bad habits. To me, that is the beauty of being a human being. We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. But there is beauty in the breakdown and something so beautifully wondrous in our shortcomings when we learn to accept them and strive to do the inner work to be better and do better. Yet, this is a concept that seems to elude you.  So self-righteous in your opinions, so destructively stubborn in your beliefs of having been intentionally slighted and so savagely careless in your need for revenge, I became your target and your bulls-eye to violently chuck darts of hatred at. I still wonder as to what shifted with you to make you believe it was okay to behave as you did and to make you think it was okay to attempt to enact revenge on someone who was actually innocent – someone you didn’t know and whose story you hadn’t the slightest clue of. I wanted to form a healthy relationship with you and honestly, I wanted to try and form a friendship with you, at first.  I’ve been through a divorce of my own and I understand how another woman coming into your child’s life can be a bit destabilizing and just plain scary.  I get it.  I tried to send you flowers with a genuine, heartfelt note expressing my desire to form a relationship, reassuring you that I would never cross any lines and that my intentions were not to ever replace you. You dismissed it, tossing it to the side with such arrogance. You acted amicable enough in the beginning. My husband did everything right. He didn’t introduce me to the children you shared together until he first spoke with you about our relationship, let you meet me and gave you the opportunity to agree to move towards the next step of introductions to the children. You agreed and you had been dating another man, as well. You spoke of wanting a blended family and keeping things as painless for the kids as possible. I was relieved as I had been dealing with an ex-husband who was intentionally trying to replace me with his new wife – a woman who was horrible to my child and spoke ill of me to everyone and anyone who would listen. I felt as if I was finally in a safe space – a space where my good intentions would finally manifest into a situation where we could all control the harmful aspects of divorce by not engaging in them. I had no idea what I was in for and the warpath you were about to pave.

Meeting your children went well. I was good to them and I helped take care of them and nurture them while they were in our care. I treated them as if they were my own. I come from a broken family and I know the damaging effects of being outcast, of being the child that doesn’t belong to anyone and at a very young age, I made a choice to never treat anyone that way, no matter what. You used me to babysit for you when you wanted to go out with your boyfriend or when you wanted to run necessary chapter-ending errands with my husband. I was generous and understanding, all the while encouraging and supporting my husband in maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship with you.  I knew his intentions and I knew the relationship was over. I knew that I had nothing to worry about and I suppose I assumed that you had the same intentions. You were in another relationship and seemingly happy. I had no reason to think that you wanted to be back together with my husband. I had no reason to think that you would play a sick, twisted game and take it as far as you could, using your children as weapons to toy with my husband’s emotions and mental well-being. As understanding as I tried to be and as oblivious as I clearly was at the time, I could never shake your energy when you had to be in the same room as me.  You were clearly putting on a front but the first twinges of the hatred you feel towards me started way back then.  You would storm up and down the stairs, slamming doors and unable to hide your flustered anger towards my existence and the fact that your husband was with me and not you anymore.  I wasn’t what you expected. You assumed I was quite young, although I was not. I wasn’t what you wanted him to be with. Let’s face it – you didn’t want him to be happy with anyone. You didn’t want him to move on from you in any capacity. But you could at least bear it somewhat if I was a person who made you feel better about yourself. Someone who had something wrong with them, someone who wasn’t a good mother to her own child, let alone yours – someone who wasn’t what you considered to be physically attractive. I was none of the things that you wanted but I was everything that he wanted and you could barely contain your anger. As time went on, your temper tantrum type outbursts worsened. I would be glared at, ignored and have doors slammed in my face no matter how hard I tried. You could barely stand to look at me.  I will never forget the day that I invited you over to my condo to show you my home – the home that I paid for myself and maintained myself. My husband was there and we were excited to show you the room we decorated for your daughter. I was baking cookies and placing the cooled ones in the cookie jar that sat atop my counter, while my husband showed you around.  You sat down and you glared at me with a disbelief and a fear in your eyes. Somehow, that moment broke you. I can only guess as to what went on in your mind and all I can muster is that it shattered the image you wanted to have of me.  A devoted mom to a child of her own, an attractive and fit woman, a woman who the man who was once yours clearly loved and cared for, a woman whom your children liked – something that you did not anticipate or want to happen, and the final straw – a woman who bakes cookies for her family. It was then that I began to see your façade fall away. As ridiculous as it is to me, the domestic version of me broke you and you could not handle the reality that the man you once considered your property was truly moved on with another woman who you could not find anything wrong with – a woman who you could not feel better than.  And it was after this day that everything fell apart. 

As you co-mingled with my ex-husband’s manipulative games and sick need for revenge towards me, letting him tell you lies and fuel your unjustified hate towards me, I did my best to keep my head held high. It wasn’t easy. You involved yourself in something that was none of your business and you did it only because you wanted to hurt me. You intentionally sought out ways to hurt my husband and hurt me.  You attacked me at every angle you could, even so much as having your unorthodox attorney request in court documents that my husband “leave” me, move back in with you, call you his wife AND sleep in the same bed as you. You attempted to force something that you knew was over, while you were actively sleeping with and in a serious relationship with another man, simply because you couldn’t let him be happy with me. You couldn’t let him move on with a woman who was the shattered mirror reflection of everything you could no longer have. In the process, you attempted to hurt my child by alienating her from your daughter, a relationship and bond that was so important to both my daughter and yours.  That’s when you began to push me too far.  I will defend my child and her rights when anyone tries to challenge them or strip her of them or her rights to just be a child.  You worked with my ex-husband to try and have her removed from my care permanently, even going as far as to schedule yourself to testify at one of my custody hearings. You named my ex-husband as a witness in your own custody hearing court documents, yet denying any wrongdoing, acting as if you were entitled to destroy a child’s life. You attempted to break my husband at every step, manipulating his emotions and working angles that you knew would hurt him in hopes that he would finally just break and give you what you wanted – leaving me just so he can see his kids and stop having you as a constant thorn in his side, destroying his life.  It went on and on and on, and my husband never left me. In fact, our relationship only grew stronger.  Through all your petty game-playing and attempts to thwart our life together, we bonded and grew closer together. His bond with the children you shared grew stronger and so did mine, as their eventual step-mom.  They would speak highly of us and excitedly reminisce of their time with us and it only fueled your hatred towards me more.

The games never ceased and to this day, I still deal with my mail being stolen and illegally forwarded, with you calling up utility and financial companies and trying to claim that you are still my husband’s wife. I deal with you carrying around a last name that is no longer legally yours – a last name you were court ordered to change – that affects every day things and is a constant reminder of your hatred towards me.  I deal with attacks every day – hacks, stalking, cyber bullying, your family members and friends sending hateful words and messages labeling me a slut, a homewrecker and being told that I can’t compare to you. I still, to this day, somehow manage to be blamed for your marriage falling apart, and ultimately, your own shortcomings.

Almost one year ago, after having your own children taken away from you by a court, you decided to remain in denial and blame me for your failure to take care of your own children.  I had nothing to do with that and I was never even interviewed, let alone part of the process, aside from bringing the kids for your supervised visitation. Let me be very clear with you: a court and/or governmental agency does not take anyone’s children away based on empty accusations. No one accused you of anything, no one was attempting to slight you or hurt you. Your own actions caught up with you and then there were consequences for them.  It was the investigation that led your children being taken away, and placed with us. And in those months they were with us, you made a frightening and destructive choice.  You knew that the moment you got them back, after you and your boyfriend did everything you could to hide your actions, that you would never let my husband see them again – unless, of course, he divorced me. You ultimately got a short-lived win when I, being completely fed up with the constant attacks and stalking, separated from my husband just so I could breathe and get some space away from your drama. You must have viewed that as an invitation to get back together with him and perhaps he didn’t say it in clear enough terms for you to comprehend, but he wasn’t interested. Once you realized that I was never “gone” and that the separation wasn’t due to a lack of love between my husband and I, but rather your own actions and my need to get away from it, you began your ultimate act of revenge – the ultimate manipulation and the last and final grand finale of your dramatic and irrational behavior. You took his kids away, but not before you gave him an ultimatum – his kids or me.  You tried to get my husband to leave his wife – a wife he loves, a wife who cared for his children as her own and tried everything in her power to be a friend and a source of support for everyone. If he wouldn’t leave me, he couldn’t have his kids. And you did just that. It’s been almost one year since my husband has seen his children and since your children have been denied their father, an incredibly sad and diabolical thing to do to your own children. They loved their father so much and he loved them. I can only imagine how hurt your daughter must be not having her daddy in her life – someone she shared such an incredible bond with - and replaced with your boyfriend, someone she is frightened of and avoids.  Through all the unnecessary pain you have caused both your children and my husband, we were still very aware of what you were doing. You were playing to a weakness that any loving father would have – his children. Your hopes were that doing something as drastic as taking away his children, despite being under a court order for joint custody, would force him to do whatever it was that you wanted – which was leave me. That’s all it ever has been – you just want him to leave me because you cannot stand him being happy. You cannot stand your children being happy in my presence. You cannot stand that I have a life that you still want – not because of love, but because of your desperate need for labels, facades and a lifestyle only my husband can provide you. What you don’t know and never cared to listen to, is that I was the one who encouraged my husband to speak to you and encouraged him to put all your drama and games behind him, and try to move forward on a clean slate. That fateful meeting at McDonald’s last June – that was my idea. That was my pushing, my encouragement and my labor of love. It’s a shame you will never realize that.

I wonder how you sleep at night and how you live with yourself – going from group to group, telling tall tales of what an evil, horrible person my husband is and I am. I wonder how you justify to yourself what you have done to your children – innocent little beings who need their daddy and need his genuine, tender love and direction in their lives. I hurt at the thought of what your daughter, the oldest, must go through daily and the lies you must tell her to justify such horrific behavior. I wonder if she even still knows how much her daddy loves her and misses her every day, how he cries for her and how some days, he can barely function because he just wants to give her a hug and know she’s okay. My heart breaks for your children and my husband and all I can do is just hope that one day you realize the destruction you have caused and the damage you are doing to your children that will last the rest of their lives.  I have had no other choice to conclude that you just don’t care. That your children’s well-being is not of any interest to you – your children are nothing more than a tool for you. A tool to defraud governmental agencies to appease your monetary greediness, a tool to hurt my husband and a tool to parade them around like trophies -  children you view as merely possessions - while you proclaim what a great, caring mother you are to the public – all the while, destroying their lives on multiple levels behind closed doors. I wonder if you are in so much denial that you can’t even see what a horrible mother and person you are being and I've had to arrive at the conclusion that you must just be a narcissistic sociopath who cannot help yourself - a person who is incapable of seeing the error of their ways, accepting responsibility for their actions and a person who lacks any constructive ability of self-reflection.

It has taken me a lot to forgive you and in a way, I guess I have to admit that there are parts of me that can never fully forgive you for what you’ve done to my husband and to those beautiful, innocent children whom I love and care for. But I forgive you in the capacity that I can. While the suffering you have placed on our lives is hard to forget, we move on the best way we can, hoping one day, for the children’s sake, you come around and try to be a better person and a better mother.

I saw something the other day that inspired me. It was a quote from Totally Jessifiable that read “I think more often than not, the issues with the ex-wife aren’t in response with mothering their kids, or even us personally. We are the shattered mirror of what once was. That reflection casts their insecurities, inadequacies, and the reminder every time they see us nurturing, raising and building a home together – that it once was their home and it failed.” That quote hit home for me and spoke to the issue perfectly.  Your issue with me isn’t that I nurture your children, as I should, while they are in our care. Your issue with me is that I mirror back to you your failures and a life you can no longer have. Your divorce was not my fault. Your divorce was the result of a loveless relationship that went through the motions for convenience for years. It was a culmination of years of misery, your own lies and deceit, your own vindictive and heartless attempts to entrap my husband, and two people who just weren’t a good match and should have never been married to begin with. This is a reality you openly admitted to, until you saw my husband happy, and saw me with the life you can no longer have.

I never wanted and still don’t want to be your children’s mother. I only wanted to be their step-mom. A step-mom they have good memories of and one who supports them and nurtures them while they are under my roof. I have my own child whom I love and adore and I don’t need yours to fill any kind of void or sick need for revenge. I wanted a blended family and an environment where everyone felt safe, loved and cared for and never had to worry about falling victim to an adult’s vengeful, hate-filled games.  It failed. You failed to move on, you failed to be an adult and the mother your children need. My husband and I aren’t perfect and we’ve made mistakes too, but all we ever wanted was just to have a life free from your attacks, your conflict, your drama and to be able to provide an environment to our children that was conducive to their well-being.

I am your shattered mirror of what once was and I hope one day you can find it within yourself to find a new mirror. A mirror where you can accept responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming others. A miror where you can move on and live your life authentically - not stuck in delusions or the past. But most of all, a mirror where you are the person and mother your children so desperately need - a mother that understands that children need both parents and should not be denied of that simply because you can't handle another woman having what you no longer do.

 


© Copyright 2018 Christina Celeste. All rights reserved.

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