Dispatches from Down the Rabbit Hole

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Personal Journal

Submitted: March 07, 2017

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Submitted: March 07, 2017

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Intrusive Voices

 March, 2017

 It’s exactly two years now since I first began hearing these intrusive and malevolent voices. These same malevolent voices that I had been hearing on EVP sessions that I had been doing during the month of February, 2015. By early March of 2015, I was having increasing incidents of hearing these malevolent voices with just my ears. Once this began to occur, I gave up recording for EVP all together, hoping that by doing so this disturbing situation would undo itself. It did not. Things only got worse and by April of 2015, I was hearing these harassing voices at an extreme level on a constant basis.

  I often refer to March of 2015 as a month of escalation. During that month, I wasn’t hearing these voices on a constant basis yet, but it seemed that more and more by the day, I was having increasing incidents of hearing these them and this went on throughout that whole month. During that month, I was feeling a great deal of stress, fear and anxiety. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I knew that I had gotten myself into a bad situation when I was experimenting with EVP that winter and I just desperately wanted to put all of that behind me and get away from it, but I couldn’t.  It was as if my experience with EVP would not allow me to escape. In fact, in a very real way, that experience was now following me, haunting me and at the point of overtaking me and essentially sending my life crashing straight down the rabbit hole of near madness. 

 I still hear these intrusive and harassing voice today, two years after these events first began for me, but things are a lot different now than they were for me back in March of 2015. Why? Well I guess that you could say that to a large degree I’ve adapted to the situation to the point where I don’t let these voices have nearly as much of an effect on me as they once did. I still have my share of bad days and with them, it’s mostly at night while I’m trying to sleep and when I’m the most vulnerable to the harassment of these malevolent entities. But all in all, throughout the day I go about my life just like I always did before any of this even started for me. Sometimes, I’ll hear faint voices in the background. Other times I won’t hear them at all for hours on end. Back in March of 2015, I was living a nightmare. Now, I seek to overcome this situation, knowing that now I’m a much stronger person than I was back in then

 

February 28, 2017

 The voices have been complaining a lot over the last few days about me writing about them so much. Apparently, they don’t like it at all. I find that it allows me to vent, so I’m not about to let their complaining about it effect anything that I do. They’ll just have to deal with my writing, just like I have to deal with their voices.

 

March 1, 2017

 Last night was a bit rough with the harassment, but by far not the worse I have experienced recently. I was hearing a voice coming up through my pillow again. It sounds strange, but imagine putting your head on a pillow and hearing a voice talking to you through it. That is essentially what it is. “They” have been using this tactic for a few months now. It’s basically an attempt to try and freak me out, but I’ve grown accustom to it, so now it doesn’t freak me out at all, I just find it damn annoying. I don’t experience this every night, but I’d say that I have on most nights to varying degrees for the past few months.

 

March 2, 2017

12:24 am

 I’m having a little trouble getting to sleep tonight. It’s because of “them” as usual. The voices are worse tonight than they have been for a while. I’m actually not getting hit with the physical sensations that bad though which is a surprise. I’m actually not that pissed off at the moment either. It’s strange, some of the things with all of this just have become so routine, that much of the time, I just brush it off and don’t let it get to me that much. Of course, I still have plenty of instances where I get quite aggravated by their bullshit, but much of the time I just deal with it and don’t let things get me down. I think that in a way, that’s how you can defeat these entities. Whatever they throw at you, rise above it and carry on.

 

March 2, 2017

6:45 pm

 I just tried to take a nap after I got home from work but, we know how that usually goes. I was harassed quite a bit by the physical sensations. I kept feeling slight pokes and pinches coming up through the mattress. It’s not painful or anything but, it’s still disturbing and a pain in the ass to deal with when you’re trying to rest. “They” were yapping away the whole time but I’ve already forgotten about what. I try not to tune into what they are saying if I can help it. It’s simply never anything worth listening to. Well, it’s March now, it’s exactly two years since I began hearing these voices with just my ears. I remember that it was towards the end of February and early March, 2015 that I first began to have incidents of hearing these voices outside of my EVP recordings. It’s been two years and they still hang around me. They are in essence, attached to my life. But, I made it through some pretty bad times and I know that I am much better at dealing with the situation now than I was back in 2015.

  Sometimes though, I’m still struck with a sense of disbelief about how much these entities talk all of the time. It’s no exaggeration to say that they never shut up. I know that they use voices as a means of harassment but, they take it to such and extreme and absurd level that it’s simply difficult to wrap your head around.  In my own case, once I started hearing them outside of the recordings, it wasn’t long before I was hearing them constantly. I hear their voices but I also frequently hear this high-pitched ringing in my ears. Sometimes this ringing will stop for a while, but recently I’ve been experiencing it again quite frequently.

 Sometimes, it sounds like there’s only a few voices hanging around me. Other times it seems like there are many. Sometimes, it’s almost like I’m surrounded by a room full of people and I can hear them talking to varying degrees. Sometimes, I’ll hear them fairly clearly. Other times, their voices sound a bit muffled or fainter but I can still detect them (only I wish that I couldn’t).

 Clairaudience (if that is what this is) is not always some kind of special gift. Sometimes it’s more like a damn curse. Sometimes, it can really send you down the rabbit hole. When I read about people wanting to develop this ability intentionally, I just scratch my head in amazement. I guess perhaps when it works out well they call it a gift. When it goes bad, they call it schizophrenia.  All I know is that I could certainly do without it. I’d love to wipe the past two years from my memory like it never happened. Perhaps someday I’ll be completely free of the voices. I still have hope and that’s a good thing.

 

March 2, 2017

(Evening)

  It’s pretty quiet here in my home this evening but, not as quite as I would like. I can hear “them” faintly but they are there…the voices. I wonder how it’s going to go tonight when I try to sleep. Last night was pretty rough. “They” kept me awake until almost one in the morning. I downed almost half a bottle of sleep-aid but it still took a while for me to pass out. I truly do believe that I’m starting to develop a tolerance for the stuff. But, what does happen is that I’ll feel all out of it the next morning. This morning was a perfect example. I could barely manage to get going and get out of the door and get my ass to work. I was feeling very slowed down and just in a haze.

  It’s essentially like having a mild hangover. But unfortunately, I just don’t think that I can do without the sleep-aid yet. I want to see how I would fair by going without it, but my sleep isn’t something that I want to take chances with. I mean I simply need to sleep no matter what. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with “them” trying to sabotage my sleep practically every night. If I have to take a sleep-aid for the time being, then that’s just what it is.

At night is when I’m still the most vulnerable to their harassment and they know it and they take full advantage of this. One thing that helps is to make my home as quiet as possible. This does not stop the voices but it does make them a lot weaker. As I’ve written about numerous times, I often hear these voices the loudest when I’m around a source of steady background noise, such as a fan for example. One way that I can make the voices weaker is to eliminate these sources of noise.

Sometimes, this is difficult to do. A perfect example is what happened to me just a few weeks ago.  One night I was having trouble getting to sleep because of the voices coming in over the noise of the heater in my condo. Out of frustration, I shut off the heater and being that it was winter, I woke up the next morning to a freezing cold condo. The same thing can happen in the summer when it’s hot out and I run my air conditioning. Sometimes, if I eliminate these sources of background noise, well then there’s a price to pay. This is why I think that it’s important to just learn how to desensitize yourself to it. If you let these voices influence your actions too much, I feel that this is certainly a bad thing. On most nights if the voices are particularly annoying, I just deal with it and of course take some sleep-aid.

  But, I do try not to let them influence my actions however much I can. If it doesn’t cause any other problems, then by all means, I’ll eliminate all sources of background noise if I can. But, I don’t want to have to freeze my ass off in the middle of the winter because these voices drive me to shut off my heater. That would be a mistake that I’ve made before and may very well make again but, it’s important to try to defy them by not allowing them to influence your actions.

March 3, 2017

12:04 am

 Another rough night. Once again it seems like I’m having to take an awful lot of sleep-aid to get it to work for me. The younger female sounding voice that is always the most harassing, the voice that I call “Pippy the Nazi” has been extremely annoying tonight. I think that she is using a deliberate tactic of “having fits” once again. She was using this tactic a couple of months ago as well. It makes it a little more difficult to ignore the voices when it gets like this and it certainly doesn’t make getting to sleep any easier. But, I’ve been in this same situation before. It’s nothing new or even surprising anymore. It just shows that “they” are more desperate now to find different tactics that cause me the most disruption because the old tricks just don’t work as well anymore.

 

March 4, 2017

12:27 am

  I’m not writing tonight (or this morning I should say) because I just tried to go to sleep and was unable to. Which, is normally when I usually write and start venting my frustrations. I haven’t tried to go to sleep yet so we’ll see how that goes shortly. It’s been a little colder today, so while at home I’ve had to run the heating a little longer which brings out the voices more because they seem to use the background noise to amplify their voices, but it hasn’t bothered me that much tonight really. I guess perhaps I’m just so damn used to it now. I think that they’ve gone through their bag of tricks with me several times over and there just isn’t that much new anymore that they have left to throw at me. So, they just keep recycling through the same old tactics over and over, such as repeating the same phrases over and over to the point where it just gets to be damn annoying sometimes.

  On somedays it can all be a real drag, but as strange as this may sound, in a way I’m glad that at this point, that’s all it is now…an annoyance. Back in 2015, it was so much worse for me and back then I still wasn’t sure if I would be able to deal with this utterly perplexing situation. The good news is that with time, I just seemed to naturally grow stronger. These entities now don’t cause me nearly as much anxiety as they once did. In a sense, they can still annoy me, but they can’t manipulate me and fill me with fear and anxiety like they once did.

 

March 4, 2017

(early evening)

  Last night I tried not taking any sleep-aid at all just to see how it would work out. I stayed up pretty late intentionally, probably close to one in the morning. I suppose that I wanted to wait until I felt tired enough where I thought I would have a better chance of passing out quickly. Basically, the whole night was quite strange (stranger than usual I should say). I was getting harassed by “them” as usual with the voices and the physical sensations. The physical disturbances were quite annoying. I kept feeling slight pokes and pinches coming up through my mattress again. This is a weird experience I can tell you that. It’s as if one of these entities is literally inside the mattress and was able to freely move around. It is occupying the same space as physical matter, but it can seem to move very freely through it as if it were moving through empty air.

  Another thing that was strange about last night was that it was almost as if I never reached a state where I was fully asleep, at least that’s how it seemed. Quickly enough, I seemed to reach this state of being half-asleep, but it felt like I pretty much stayed in this half-asleep/half-awake state for most of the night. I remember being aware of the physical sensations pretty much all night long and the presence of the voices as well. But, in a way it wasn’t like I was fully awake either. It was a strange experience.

  Basically, what this tells me is that I’m not ready yet to remove taking a sleep-aid from my routine. I didn’t wake up feeling exhausted like I got no sleep at all, but I wouldn’t say that I felt like I had gotten a full night of rest either. It’s quite obvious that if I’m not completely passed out, then these entities are still going to try and mess with me as much as they can and try and disturb me throughout the night as much as possible. Like I wrote about earlier, every once and awhile, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and it’s almost as if these entities aren’t there at all, it’s like they left and went somewhere else. But, last night it was quite clear to me that they stayed around me throughout the night, knowing that I was not fully asleep and they were obviously trying to disturb me as much as they could.

March 4, 2017

11:35 pm

  I’m about ready to turn in for the night or I wish that I am I should more accurately say. I just took a few doses of sleep-aid a little while ago and I’m just waiting here for it to start to take effect. I didn’t want to risk having another night when I didn’t take any sleep-aid at all just to see how I would make out. The results from last night were mixed, but I’m just going to stick with taking sleep-aids for now and then maybe try again to go without them in a little while.

  As I have written about previously, “they” have been far more active during the evening and night with the voices and the physical disturbances. I suspect, that they are doing this intentionally because they know that they have lost a lot of ground during the day time. If I’m at work and keeping myself busy and keeping my focus on something else, then I usually barely pay any mind to the voices at all.

  I think this is why they intentionally have been trying to mess with me more at night. If you can pull some of your attention away from them, then they lose ground and they know it. I’ll keep working on ignoring them at night and desensitizing myself to their escalation tactics. But, at night when I’m first trying to get to sleep especially, it can still prove to be quite challenging. Often recently, I’ve been failing to get to sleep on my first attempt.  This is when I’ll often get out of bed, take some more sleep aid and write for a bit until I feel it kicking in some more.

 Most often recently, I’ve been able to get to sleep on my second attempt but, sometimes this can be pretty late and often it does contribute to me still feeling slowed down and in a haze first thing in the morning. I suppose I should try turning in a bit earlier to compensate for this. I’ll give this a try because at least for now, I’m still going to use a sleep-aid to get to sleep. Really, it’s not so much the voices that keep me awake, but the physical sensations and disturbances. The voices I’m much better at ignoring. Most often at least, I’m able to block out the content of what these voices are saying. But, the physical disturbances are a bit trickier. I mean if you feel something, you simply feel it. Ignoring it then is not quite so easy, but I’ll keep trying.

March 5, 2017

(early evening)

  Today was my day off from work, but I still had to go to work in a sense. There were some work-related things that I needed to take care of but never got around to this week. Often, I find it can be difficult to get out of the office. On any given day, I may plan to go out to a jobsite for whatever reason and just never make it out of the door because some bullshit always tends to pop up.

 This week, there was bullshit a plenty at the office, so I never got the chance to get out and take care of a few things at various jobsites that I really needed to take care of. So, rather than let the stuff pile up, sometimes you just have to take it on the chin. So, even though it was my day off, I spent most of the afternoon running around on these work-related errands.

  I drove down to Avalon, to a few jobsites at the shore. It was a nice drive. It was a sunny day and usually I find that the shore area just has this brightness about it. I enjoy heading over to the beach towns, though in the summer the traffic can sometimes make it not worth the hassle. But, it’s still early March and it was quite cold out today so the shore towns were still pretty much deserted.

  The voices didn’t bother me that much today. I find it’s good to get out of my home and do things outdoors because this helps me to take my focus off of “them” and their presence. They were still around of course. I heard the voices a few times during my drive when I turned on the heating in my car. Whenever I do this, the voices always come over strong through the noise. This has always been the case. As I have mentioned many times in my writing here, that I hear these voices the loudest when there’s a steady background noise in my immediate environment.

  Well, I’ve adapted to this to a large degree you could say. Now I can be around many different kinds of background noises and not hear the voices as strongly as I once did. Back in 2015, any time that I was near anything like a fan, or running water or the motor of a running car engine, etc…anything that made a steady sound, continuous voices would be emerging from the noise. Now, it’s not nearly as bad as it was back then, though I still do hear the voices the loudest when I do hear them, when they are coming through over a background noise. But, I can be around things like fans now and be fine. If I hear the voices, I’m better able to tune them out now. I don’t find their presence nearly as unsettling as I did back in 2015.

  But, whenever I’m in my car and I’m running the heater or the air conditioner, it’s voices galore. It’s the perfect type of steady noise for them to use to amplify and project their voices over and I’m literally stuck right next to the source of the noise. It’s not like I can go into another room or close a door or anything to escape it. It’s right there in front of me while I’m driving in my car.

  Yes, on occasion I won’t run the heating or air conditioning because I don’t want to deal with hearing the voices. Other times I’m tired of freezing my ass off in my car when it’s cold and I’ll just deal with hearing them. It’s not like they’re going to say anything new or enlightening. It’s always just the same old crap they are always yapping, just sometimes there’s a new spin to it. All in all though, they weren’t much of a presence throughout the day today. I’ll see how it goes tonight. This is when they still give me the most trouble.

 

 

 

 


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