My attempt

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is about my journey, and will be added. Please leave all negative comments out.

Submitted: March 08, 2017

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Submitted: March 07, 2017

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 March 21st 2016

This was the day when I ran down the hall way of my tiny run-down trailer puking my guts out. This was the day I stayed home from school- because I was "sick” It took a few short minutes to identify what was really going on. This was the day that I confessed that I took a” handful” of pills. Yet, it wasn’t as much as it looked from my perspective This day was the shock of reality that any time now, it could be my last breath. My best friend at the time, convinced me to tell my mom- which was one of the best things I could’ve ever done.

 It was five in the morning when I woke my mother up.Saying that I was sick, and I was staying home from school. It was a few moments later that I had to tell her what was actually going on. As we were driving to the hospital I didn’t know what to say. My mother was in shock, as she didn’t have anything to say either. She kept asking me how many, and I couldn’t give her a straight answer. I didn’t have an answer to any of this. My aunt was there- thank god. (She works at the hospital) I know, at the time I didn’t show it, but I can’t thank her enough for being there. I was stuck on an IV for 21 hours. I wasn’t allowed to eat, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom for god sake. (Atleast without a supervisor) Over half of the time, I didn’t actually have any of my things, including my clothes. I remember the devastating news my best friend (at the time) was given. My girlfriend, my grandparents, my family, and honestly any person who meant anything to me at the time. Im sorry. 

I was oddly happy, and giddy the whole time- as I wasn’t stuck in reality anymore. I was so far stuck in depression that I didn’t realize one of those breaths could’ve been my last. I just laughed the whole time, in hopes someone would mess up or do anything so I wasn’t put in this process anymore- so I could just be dead.

Following along with that, I would have these fits as if I didn’t remember what I just did to myself. It was as if it were a “party” in my room. But, that didn’t cover up the fact that I just tried to kill myself a little over 24 hours ago.

Not to mention, I would sleep and cry and not do anything at all. I would be woken up every four hours for my blood to be taken. My mother, and grandmother never left my side. I know how many times I begged you to leave, that I wanted to do it all by myself. But thank you. Just to think, I was one pill away from leaving this world as a whole. I used the excuse “I just wanted to sleep”...forever. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I was hurting, for I just wanted to be gone. I remember my youth group leader and pastor (at the time) coming to visit me. It meant a lot but I honestly pushed them away. I didn’t want anyone there, at all. My moms co-worker came, as well. And all the nurses gathered to make sure I was okay. I got pillows, candy and gifts like you wouldn’t believe. But gifts don’t make it better. I could care less about the gifts. There was staff in there all the time, for I had to have a 1:1 (someone with me at all times) and everyone of those staff members I will never forget. They tried to make this journey as run as smoothly as possible. They did everything in their power to keep me alive. Whether it be, may be nurses in my room to keep me going, food, showering me with support, testings, anything. And that’s what kept me going throughout the days. I remember the phone call my grandfather got. (And grandmother but she was un-reachable at the time) I cannot express how sorry I am. I couldn’t bear to live with myself if anyone did that, so Im deeply sorry to those that were put through that. I had phone calls after phone calls, but that didn’t help. For they came too late. 

After long hours in the hospital, I was admitted to the Meadows. The Meadows, was okay. For it wasn’t my first time being there. The food was amazing.It didn’t change the fact that I had scars all over my body, and no, they weren’t just “stretch marks” or “a cry for help” I had/still have scars all over my body from watching my blood drip. As I was self mutilating day by day, that didn’t change me myself and I. But from this experience, I also got left with mental scars leaving me here today. Getting back on track; 

  My meds got upped, and changed. My mood swings- got worse. :And life was flipped upside down. As this is how it was for 18 days. I pushed my family away, I pushed everyone away making it more harder than easier. I still wanted to leave this earth. I stormed out of my one family session, and almost broke my hands from punching the walls (I had to get an X-Ray done because it was so bad) Been caught up in the monstrosity- it made me do the unthinkable of things. I hurt those around me, and those who are here today. I left you all in heartache. I am deeply sorry for that, I ruined a lot of relationships but I’m hoping I can get that all back, But, after time and thinking, and being isolated from the world, intense therapy, being drugged, and anything that you can imagine- This is what got me to be here today. 

 I can tell you right now, this feeling does not go away. For I may be suicidal-still, or I may not be. There is a difference between a feeling and acting on the feeling.  But, coming out of there- and seeing my family and how broken they were. That, I- did that to them all. I realized that I couldn’t do it, even if I wasn’t here-I couldn’t deal with myself. I am deeply sorry to those who were on this journey with me (and many have left-Im sorry I was too much) I love you all so much. Thank you. thank you for saving me, literally. I can tell anyone who is going through this, that It will get better, I promise you. 

Now, I am a few months clean from hurting myself. I got diagnosed with major depression and mild anxiety. I am battling signs of schizophrenia, and I’m battling mental challenges with myself. After another trip to the hospital this past year, I am still fulfilling my dreams of having success in school, rebuilding my relationships with people, cutting out all negativity from my life, and helping out those who struggle. I can’t wait to have a happy family, a marriage, and kids.  Literally just to grow up. I cannot be more thankful that I am here today. 

But I, I am a suicide attempt survivor. 

Your breathing friend, Ryleigh


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