The Donahues Episode 263

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob Donahue returns from Afghanistan, and pops the question to Renee, Mayor Satch urges Ethan to repeal the limits on his power, but Ethan secretly undermines the repeal efforts and Ryan is determined to locate a couple he recognizes on Instagram

Submitted: March 09, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 09, 2017









“We don’t want to live inside a hell hole, and waste our energy on all these assholes”

  • Jeff Rosenstock


(We start with Ethan, Anella, Kimberly, Luke, Renee, Kyle, Ryan and Madeline standing in the airport. They are holding signs that say “WELCOME BACK, JACOB!!!!” and “LOVE YOU, JACOB!!!!”)


RYAN: …Where is he?


KIMBERLY: They said gate 24B.


ETHAN: Well, he better get here soon, because the meeting of the new lovers is never fun.


ANELLA: Hey, Luke.


LUKE: (Uncomfortable, low-voiced) Hey, how ya doin’?


RYAN: Why did we bring these signs, exactly?


MADELINE: To express how much we’re glad Jacob is back.


RYAN: Couldn’t we do that with our words?


MADELINE: …Yeah, we could, huh? Now we just have to hold these signs.


(Jacob comes out of the gate wearing a military uniform and holding bags, and everyone cheers and waves the signs. Jacob puts his bags down in front of them and hugs Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: God, I’ve missed you so much, Jacob.


JACOB: I’ve missed you too, mom.


(Jacob lets go of Kimberly and then hugs Ethan)


ETHAN: How was war, son?


JACOB: A nightmare.


(Ethan lets go of Jacob and puts his hands on Jacob’s shoulders)


ETHAN: The most glorious nightmare possible, right?


JACOB: No, just a regular nightmare.


ETHAN: Congrats.


(Jacob turns around to see Renee and Kyle standing next to one another)


JACOB: Oh my God. Kyle has grown so much!

KYLE: Daddy!! (Jacob goes over and hugs Kyle, then lifts him up) Has he been eating well?


RENEE: A lot of smoothies. He loves Jamba Juice.


JACOB: Okay, so, no?


RENEE: Yeah. (Jacob kisses Kyle and then puts him down. Jacob looks at Rene) Well. Aren’t you going to hug me?


JACOB: In a minute.


(Jacob takes out a jewelry box and gets on one knee. Renee, Kimberly and Madeline all gasp)


RENEE: Oh my Gosh. You know what? No! Oh my GOD.


KIMBERLY: Finally.


JACOB: Renee Anella Hendrickson-


ANELLA: Seriously?


JACOB: Will you marry me?




(Jacob gets up and kisses Renee passionately)


KYLE: Ewwww!!!


(Ethan, Ryan, Kimberly, Luke and Anella laugh. After Renee and Jacob finish kissing, they turn to the rest of the group. Renee has tears in her eyes)


RYAN: Hey, brother.


JACOB: Hi, Ryan.


MADELINE: I’m also here, Jacob.


JACOB: Great to see you, Maddie.


(Jacob hugs Madeline)


MADELINE: It’s been so long, I’ve missed you.


JACOB: I know.


MADELINE: I’ve had nightmares about you in Afghanistan.


JACOB: What happens in them?


MADELINE: Usually you’re just being chased by marionettes.




(Jacob and Madeline let go of one another)


JACOB: Where’s Peter?


MADELINE: Why don’t you ask Ryan where Terrence is?


RYAN: Don’t snap at him, he just got engaged.


JACOB: Who’s Terrence?


RYAN: My ex-boyfriend, we’re not even together anymore, Catherine and I got back together. (To Jacob and Renee) Congratulations, you guys.


RENEE: Thanks.


(Cut to Ethan sitting on the dais during a city council meeting. The plaque before him reads “Councilman Donahue”. He is listening to Chairman Edelman, who is speaking off screen)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The next item on the agenda is the classification of Wednesday, March 1st, 2017 as “Citywide Avian Conservation Day”. (Zoom out to show all five councilmen on the dais) All in favor of approving the resolution? (Nobody raises their hands) Wow, okay, let’s move on then.


ETHAN: Mr. Chairman, I move that we recess for several hours. These resolutions are becoming a bit tedious.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Come on, they’re not all bad. We were able to agree to move the bust of the founder of Hansbay from the far left side of the room to the back of the room.


ETHAN: I just need a break, Chairman.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Fine. All in favor? (Everyone raises their hands) Very well. We’ll reconvene at 2pm.


(Chairman Edelman slams the gavel, and the councilmen get up. One of the councilmen, a stubbly guy with a gruff voice and a loosened tie, walks over to Ethan)




ETHAN: Hello, Councilman Graves.




ETHAN: I’d really rather call you Councilman Graves.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Well, regardless, Mayor Satch has been riding my ass about Resolution 1457.


ETHAN: What resolution is that?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: He wants us to restore the power to the mayor’s office that we took away when Alexander was in charge. I told him I was crowd-surfing at a Chainsmokers concert and I’d call him back.


ETHAN: Please tell me that was a lie.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Nah, that was real as rivers man.


ETHAN: Well, you’re a Democrat, so, not following marching orders from Satch could be risky.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: You’re a Democrat too. Do you really wanna give Satch more power?


ETHAN: Not particularly. Edelman would probably be in favor of it. And obviously, Sloane and Cusick would oppose it, they’re Republicans.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Which means both of us would have to be convinced.


ETHAN: Why didn’t Satch contact me first?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Rumor has it, he doesn’t trust you, hombre. Ever since you made him betray the Tug Boat union.


ETHAN: Shit. I made the most suggestible person on Earth distrusting of me. I need to mend fences.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: And I need to pop open a Red Bull.


(Councilman Graves pops open a Red Bull and sips it)


ETHAN: …See ya later, Councilman Graves.


(Ethan leaves)




(Councilman Graves puts on a Cleveland Browns cap and walks away. Cut to Ethan walking up to Mayor Satch’s secretary, a gorgeous, buxom blonde)


SATCH’S SECRETARY: (Breathy voice) Well, hello there.


ETHAN: Good God. Hello.


SATCH’S SECRETARY: I’m Stacy, what is your name?


ETHAN: Councilman Donahue. I’m uh… (Ethan wipes his brow with a cloth) here to see the Mayor.


(Stacy buzzes Irville)


STACY: Irviiiille!!


MAYOR SATCH: (Through the speaker) Yeah?


STACY: Councilman Donahue is here to see you.


MAYOR SATCH: (Through the speaker) Oh. Send him in.


(Ethan shakes his head)


STACY: See you later.


(Ethan smiles at Stacy and walks into Mayor Satch’s office. Mayor Satch is on his computer behind his desk, and doesn’t even look at Satch)


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor. Good to see you.


MAYOR SATCH: Uh-huh. What can I do for you?


(Ethan sits down)


ETHAN: You can look at me, first off.


(Mayor Satch turns to Ethan, and looks annoyed)


MAYOR SATCH: Okay. You have my full undivided attention.


ETHAN: Irville, I just want to talk about what you said to Councilman Graves.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh, you mean Chexton?


ETHAN: NO! (Ethan calms down, and clear his throat) Sorry. But, no. His name is Graves. Chexton is not a name.


MAYOR SATCH: Neither is Irville.


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, I’m sorry if I offended you about the tug boat union thing. I didn’t mean to dispirit you. The citizens of Hansbay miss the lighthearted, positive Mayor Irville Satch they know and love.


(Mayor Satch looks at Ethan with puppy dog eyes)






MAYOR SATCH: Who told you that?


ETHAN: People, you know? The townspeople, there was the town drunk, the village idiot, the baker, the farmer, they all said so.


MAYOR SATCH: Okay. If it will please the citizens, then I will forgive you.


ETHAN: Good. So the budget will still get your signature?




(Ethan stands up, as does Mayor Satch)


ETHAN: Perfect, thank you so much, Mr. Mayor.


(Ethan extends his hand, and Irville shakes it)


MAYOR SATCH: There’s one more thing though.


ETHAN: Oh boy.


MAYOR SATCH: What I was saying to Chexton the other day. Like you mentioned.


ETHAN: Yeah. I did mention that, didn’t I?


MAYOR SATCH: I’d really appreciate it if you introduced that bill next session, and convinced Chexton to support it. I already know Edelman will.


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, I want to, but I don’t know if Graves will come around. He’s a, you know, stubborn. Asshole.


MAYOR SATCH: Are you kiddin’ me? Have you seen his moped?


ETHAN: Some of the councilmen just think those measures were past due.


MAYOR SATCH: They were just doing that to Alexander because he was crazy. But I’m not crazy. (Mayor Satch opens a drawer, and lets a mouse crawled onto his hand. He then lifts it up and starts feeding it a cracker. Ethan looks disturbed) So just introduce and call it a “heck of a plan” or whatever.


ETHAN: I’ll see what I can do to sway Graves, Mr. Mayor.


MAYOR SATCH: Yippee!! Bye, Ethan.


(Ethan nods his head and leaves. Cut to Ryan sitting in his dorm room, on his computer. He is studying. Blaine, his roommate, is drinking tall boys while playing video games)


BLAINE: WOOOO!!! Get ‘em! Kill ‘em dead! Aggh, SHIT! (Blaine finishes a tall boy, crushes the can, and throws it away) Shit! Damnit!


(Ryan rubs his temples)


RYAN: (Inner monologue) I can’t believe this. He’s getting drunk on tall boys on a Tuesday night. What a dumb hick he is. What game is he even playing? (Ryan peeks over his shoulder to see Blaine is playing a game called “Pig Toss 3D”. He then turns back to his computer) This motherfucker’s playing “Pig Toss 3D”. The only way he could get more hick is he drank hooch from a jug labeled “XXX”. I need to get out of here.


(Ryan leaves his dorm and looks into the distance. He then pulls out his phone, and goes on Instagram. He scrolls through a few pictures, until he gets to Helen’s account. The picture is of Helen and Mark with their arms around each other, standing in front of a perfect sunset)


RYAN: (Audible) Ugh. I can’t believe they’re still together. (Ryan scrolls through some more pictures, but then scrolls back up to the picture of Mark and Helen. He sighs) They look very happy too. (Ryan shakes his head and puts his phone in his pocket) Why do I care? I don’t care, it’s fine, they can do what they want. (Ryan comes back inside to see Blaine chugging from a jug of hooch labeled “XXX” while playing video games) Alright, that’s it, I’m leaving.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan driving, at night, listening to NPR)


NPR: The box office hit “La La Land” has won the Academy Award for Best Picture tonight, but due to white guilt and bravery, they handed the award to the makers of the movie “Moonlight”. At least that’s what we’re being told by our Los Angeles affiliate.


(Ryan changes it to a CD copy of NAILS’ album “You Will Never Be One Of Us”. He listens to that as he continues driving. He pulls up to a bar. Cut to him entering the bar, walking right past the ID-checker)


ID-CHECKER: Hey! Dude!

(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Yes?


ID-CHECKER: Come here, I need to check your ID.


RYAN: Oh, of course.


(Ryan walks up to him and shows him his ID)


ID-CHECKER: Okay, you’re good.


RYAN: Cool.


(The ID-checker puts a bowl full of keys on his lectern)


ID-CHECKER: Now put your keys in this bowl.


RYAN: Come on, man, I’m gonna have like one beer.


ID-CHECKER: No, this just means you’re in for trivia.


RYAN: I’m good.


(Ryan walks over to the bar and sits down. There are a few patrons, but mostly the bar is sparsely attended. A female bartender walks up to Ryan)


BARTENDER: What can I get you?


RYAN: Your bitterest beer.


BARTENDER: One bok choy brew coming up.


(The bartender pulls down the “Bok Choy Brew” lever and fills a cup with that beer. He then hands it to Ryan)


RYAN: Thanks.


BARTENDER: Anything else I can do for you, love?


RYAN: Yes. Have you ever seen this disgusting couple- (Ryan shows the bartender the Instagram photo of Helen & Mark on his phone) patronize this bar?


(The bartender squints at the photo)


BARTENDER: I think, maybe once or twice. Not regularly.


(Ryan puts his phone away)


RYAN: But you’ve seen them?


BARTENDER: Not in a while.


RYAN: …Damnit. (Ryan sips his beer) This tastes like shit.


BARTENDER: Yeah, it’s pretty popular around here.


(Scott Alexander and Marcus DeMint come in walk into the bar. Ryan turns to them, in shock)


RYAN: Holy shit!


SCOTT: Ryan fuckin’ Donahue, man! (Scott comes over and shakes Ryan’s hand) How the fuck are you?!


RYAN: I’m fine, what are you doing here?


SCOTT: I started going here! First for the food, then for the pussy! You remember Marcus DeMint?


RYAN: Yeah, you’re Logan’s twin.


MARCUS: His much handsomer twin.


RYAN: You know, I didn’t used to see it, but I see it now. I don’t think he would’ve aged as well as you have.


MARCUS: Thanks!


SCOTT: Marcus goes here now too. Are you here alone?


RYAN: Yeah, I’m just trying to get my mind off things.


SCOTT: Cool, man, hang with us! Actually, you know what’s hilarious?


RYAN: What?


SCOTT: Jesse Ellis is black-out drunk in the back of our car right now.


(Ryan furrows his brow)


RYAN: Really?


SCOTT: Yeah. He drank more fireball than most people drink in their entire lifetimes.


RYAN: …Do you mind if I see him?


(Cut to Ryan standing on the sidewalk, in between Scott and Marcus, looking into the back seat of Scott’s Camry. Jesse, who now has a goatee, is sitting there, hanging his head, with a throw-up stain on his shirt)


SCOTT: Look who the fuck we found, Jess.


(Jesse looks up and sees Ryan)


JESSE: Oh my God, Ryan…(Jesse chuckles) you’ve g-grown so tall…


RYAN: Thanks, Jesse. Are you, uh, good, man?


JESSE: Never better. Got a job at 7-11 and I, and I, worked there for seven whole months before I lost it. Personal best. (Jesse lies on his back) Sorry, the room is spinning.


SCOTT: You’re not in a room, dumbass, you’re in a car!

(Scott laughs and fist bumps Marcus)


MARCUS: He deserved that.


RYAN: You know, Jacob just got back from a tour in Afghanistan.


JESSE: Hope he had fun.


(Jesse keels over and pukes in the street)


RYAN: Ohhh, wow.


(Ryan backs up)


SCOTT: Why don’t we cut this short?


RYAN: Yeah, I regret doing this.


MARCUS: Most people do, man, don’t worry.


JESSE: I’m fun to talk to-


(Jesse pukes, as Scott and Marcus kneel to help him)


SCOTT: We know you are, bud, just focus on expelling everything, okay?


(Scott holds back Jesse’s hair as he pukes further. Cut to where Ryan was standing. He’s no longer there. Cut to Ryan sipping his beer in the bar. Cut to Renee wearing her wedding dress and looking in the mirror. Her mom, Mrs. Hendrickson, is standing behind her)


MRS. HENDRICKSON: Are you sure you want to do this, lovely?


RENEE: Yes, mom.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: How did he put this all together so quickly?


RENEE: He had been planning it for a while.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: He just assumed you would say yes? Well, of course you’d say “yes”, but that’s only because the bible says men know best. But he didn’t know that, because hasn’t read it.


RENEE: Mom, please don’t get religious. And yes, he thought I would say yes. We’ve been dating over three years.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: Well. If there’s one silver lining, I suppose you’ll no longer be a virgin after tonight.


RENEE: Mom, you know we have a child together.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: I just pretend it’s an adopted Swiss baby.


RENEE: Please don’t call Kyle “it”.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: I’m sorry, honey. I just hope you’ve made the right decision here.


RENEE: I have. (Renee stands up and faces her mother) Jacob’s a great guy. I mean, he’s a soldier for Pete’s sake, mom.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: …Okay. I just don’t want President Trump to use you as a political prop at the next State of the Union address, lovely.


RENEE: My Gosh, mom, how could you say that?


MRS. HENDRICKSON: Just tell Jacob to be careful over there.


RENEE: I think he knows that, mom. They have training.


MRS. HENDRICKSON: Are you taking his name?


RENEE: Of course. Are you- (Renee leans in) are you allowed not to?


MRS. HENDRICKSON: Of course not, hon. I was just being funny.


(Renee laughs)


RENEE: Oh, okay.


(Renee turns back around and starts putting on her earrings. Mrs. Hendrickson wipes her brow. Cut to Ethan and Jacob in a large dressing room. Jacob is trying to tie his bow tie. Ethan is standing behind him, watching)


ETHAN: …I’m really happy for you and Renee, Jacob.


JACOB: Thanks, dad.


ETHAN: When I first met Renee, she seemed like a, sheltered, chubby, and yet relentlessly well-intentioned girl.


JACOB: All accurate.


ETHAN: But now she seems like a sheltered, chubby, and yet relentlessly well-intentioned woman.


JACOB: Damnit, I can’t tie this, can you?


ETHAN: Sure, buddy.


(Ethan ties Jacob’s bowtie from behind)


JACOB: You’re good at that.


ETHAN: Mayor Sarandon used to make me ties his bow ties. (Sigh) And his shoes.


(Jacob turns to Ethan)


JACOB: Thanks for coming, dad.


ETHAN: Are you kidding me, soldier boy? I wouldn’t miss this day for the world.


(Jacob nods)


JACOB: Let me ask you something, dad.


ETHAN: Go ahead.


JACOB: You went off the reservation a few times, didn’t you?


(Ethan furrows his brow)


ETHAN: No. Not with your mother.


JACOB: So, with Jamie? And Fiona? And Anella-


ETHAN: Why do you ask, Jacob?


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: There’s this girl in the army with me, and she drives me crazy. Her sexual appeal is magnetic.


ETHAN: Have you ever-?


JACOB: Yes. I feel terrible about it.


ETHAN: Why are you bringing this up now?


JACOB: Because it tears me up inside. I wanted to know how you dealt with it.


(Ethan clears his throat)


ETHAN: You just learn to forgive yourself.


JACOB: And you don’t tell your-


ETHAN: Yeah, do not tell your fiancée.


JACOB: For how long?


ETHAN: Always. Even if you two are 89 years old and on a bed in a sinking cruise ship, she will break it off if you tell her. And then you will drown alone.


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: I guess you’re right.


(Ethan pats Jacob on the back)


ETHAN: Now go out there and make your family proud. This is our big night.


JACOB: Thanks, dad.


(Ethan hugs Jacob. Cut to the Donahue and Hendrickson families sitting on opposite sides of the aisle in the Church where the wedding is taking place. Jacob is standing on the altar with the Priest, dressed in a Tuxedo. A giant cross is behind him. Mr. Hendrickson, who looks rather grave in face, walks Renee, who is draped in a beautiful white wedding dress, down the aisle, as “Here Comes The Bride” is played by an elderly female pianist in the corner)


RYAN: (Whispering, to Ethan) This is the most plain Jane wedding I’ve ever seen.




(Mr. Hendrickson leads Renee down the aisle. He then helps her up the steps to the altar, where she faces Jacob)


MR. HENDRICKSON: Jacob, I meant to ask, which room do you want?


RENEE: Daddy.


JACOB: I’m sorry?


MR. HENDRICKSON: When you live with us for the first year of this marriage, what room do you want?


RENEE: Daddy, nobody follows that tradition anymore.


JACOB: Yeah, we’re not doing that.


(Mr. Hendrickson squints his eyes)


MR. HENDRICKSON: We’ll talk about it later.


RENEE: We will not.


(Mr. Hendrickson steps aside)


PRIEST: Tonight, we celebrate love. An eternal feeling of connection between two people on a deep, personal, spiritual and financial level. Private Jacob Donahue and Renee Hendrickson will be married forever after today. (Ethan and Kimberly look at each other, with discomforted visages. Cut back to the Priest) Are you ready to recite your vows, Mr. Donahue?


JACOB: Yes. (Jacob looks at the back of the room, and sees Beckett and Ross standing there. Jacob smiles) This was all special for me, and I’m glad all you guys came out. (He looks at Renee) Renee, I met you three years ago at a community college. I met you just after a lost a wrestling match. You were so bright, and, and, full of life. Optimism. Something I had been sorely lacking, especially since at the time, I had just been released from prison. (General DePinto walks in, holding a glass of Whiskey. Jacob sees him and smiles, and then turns back to Renee) You are the most hopeful, inspiring and open person I’ve ever known. And together, we made one hell of an infant.


(Jacob points to Kyle, who is sitting on Kimberly’s legs. The crowd goes “aww” and begins applauding)


KYLE: Hi daddy!!


JACOB: I love you, Renee. I know it’s been difficult being apart these last six months.


RENEE: It has.


JACOB: But hopefully I can serve the country I love and serve the woman I love at the same time.


(General DePinto leans to whisper to the Church’s janitor)


GENERAL DEPINTO: (Whispering) See, if this weren’t his wedding, I would remind him you can’t serve both country and pussy. But I’ll let him have this.


(Cut back to Jacob)


JACOB: I love you, Renee. I can’t wait to spend my life with you.


RENEE: Thank you. (Renee wipes tears from her eyes, and then gulps) Jacob Donahue. I met you at a community college- I touched on some of the same things you touched on-


JACOB: Yeah, just, skip to the new stuff.


RENEE: Okay, so, you are an incredibly kind, understanding, brave person. And you’re constantly improving yourself. When I met you, you were an ex-con with no direction in life whatsoever. But now you’ve found your calling in the U.S. Army, and you have a child and a wonderful fiancée. It’s remarkable, babe.


JACOB: Thank you.


RENEE: My parents haven’t always approved of you, and still, they don’t really. But. I evaluated you based on who you are, not who I believed you could be. And I couldn’t be happier with who you are. I love you. And I can’t wait to spend eternity with you.


(Jacob wipes tears from his eyes)


JACCOB: Thank you, Renee.


PRIEST: Do you, Jacob Leonard Donahue, takes this, Renee Magdalene Hendrickson, as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and health, until death do you part?


JACOB: I do.


PRIEST: And do you, Renee Magdalene Hendrickson, take this, Jacob Leonard Donahue, as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, until death do you part?


RENEE: I do.


PRIEST: You may now kiss the bride.


(The guests give a standing ovation as Jacob and Renee passionately kiss and the Wedding theme is played. As they finish, they face the crowd, and Jacob notices Private Renzi applauding in the back of the room. Jacob’s jaw drops. Jacob and Renee walk down the aisle, and Jacob hugs Renzi before he leaves the room, so Renee has to pull him off Renzi so they can exit the room. Cut to Ethan, Luke, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Anella, Kyle and Renee sitting at a huge table at the reception, which takes place in a hotel ball room. Renee has a cup of coffee, and some miniature creamer containers. She pours some creamer in her coffee, and then takes a shot of the other creamer)


JACOB: C’mon, babe. Not here.


RENEE: Jacob hates it when I do shots of the creamer.


RYAN: So do I.


KIMBERLY: Ryan, be nice.


RYAN: Congratulations, Renee.


RENEE: Thanks, but you’ve already said that a bunch.


RYAN: I don’t know how else to express my feelings about this whole thing.


KIMBERLY: Let’s not focus on Renee’s gross creamer chugging, let’s focus on this little guy! (Kimberly starts playing with Kyle’s arms while he’s in her lap) Look? He’s going crazy! What’s goin’ on!?


(Kyle starts laughing. Kimberly then presses her face against Kyle’s stomach and blows air to make Kyle laugh. Luke takes a sip of wine)


LUKE: It’s the empty nest, I suppose.


KIMBERLY: NEVER TAKE HIM FROM ME! (Kimberly clears her throat) Sorry about that.


JACOB: It’s okay. He’s a good kid.


(Ross and Beckett walk over)


ROSS: So good to see you again, man.


(Jacob gets up and hugs Ross)


JACOB: I’ve missed you, man.


(Jacob detaches from Ross)


ROSS: Me too. I’d like to meet Mrs. Donahue.


KIMBERLY: It’s Mrs. Altmire now.


JACOB: He’s talking about my wife, mom.


KIMBERLY: Oh. Of course. Sorry.


(Renee extends her hand)


RENEE: Hi, I’m Renee Donahue.


(Jacob smiles, as Ross shakes Renee’s hand. Cut to Ethan, Councilman Graves, Chairman Edelman, Councilman Sloane and Councilman Cusick watching President Trump’s address to Congress in their city council meeting room)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Tonight, as we mark the conclusion of our celebration of black history month, we are reminded of our nation’s path towards civil rights and the work that still remains to be done. Recent threats…


(applause from Congress, Vice President Pence and Speaker Ryan)


ETHAN: Oh, God, they’re going to applaud every other thing he says, aren’t they?


(Applause dies down, Vice President Pence and Speaker Ryan sit down)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Recent threats targeting Jewish community centers, and vandalism of Jewish cemeteries, as well as last week’s shooting in Kansas City, remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies, we are a country that stands united, in condemning hate and evil in all of its very ugly forms.


(Vice President Pence, Speaker Ryan, and all of Congress give the President a standing ovation)


ETHAN: Oh, I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner got custody of the Federal Government this week.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Why don’t you just give him credit? He said what everyone wanted him to say.


ETHAN: Why give credit!? ANY President would say this, and without hesitation. It took him like two weeks! I mean, for God’s sake, Steve Bannon is still his Senior Adviser!


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: It’ll just never be enough with you anti-Trump people. When will it be enough?


ETHAN: When he stops banning news outlets from press gaggles!

COUNCILMAN SLOANE: To be fair, would you want to go something called a “gaggle”?


ETHAN: No, but that’s not the point! I don’t want Breitbart and Info Wars to become the mainstream media while Politico and the New York Times are the underground, fringe, truth-telling news pamphlets. All of America seems like a dystopian novel right now.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Well, maybe if the very dishonest press stopped lying about Russia, people would trust them. Sad!

ETHAN: Did the “very dishonest” press make up that Reince Priebus pressured the FBI to downplay the Russia story? I mean, that’s almost akin to a cover-up.




ETHAN: The White House acknowledged it!


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: According to who? The news? They’re the enemy of the American people. Fake news.


ETHAN: Does it not bother you at all that the President called the news media the “enemy of the American people”?


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: He said that? No way he said that. Fake news.


ETHAN: YOU just said it!



CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Guys, enough. Let’s just turn off this asshole’s speech.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: What we are witnessing today is-


(Chairman Edelman turns off the President’s address)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: As always, we begin with new business.


ETHAN: Yes, I have some new business. Mayor Satch wants us to restore some of the power the Mayoralty had prior to the previous city council’s stripping of that power back when Evan Alexander was Mayor.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: We stripped that power because Alexander was a paranoid maniac. I know you guys are Democrats, but do you really think someone as goofy as Mayor Satch can be trusted with it?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: I certainly don’t, I can tell you that, brother. Wouldn’t trust him with a gutterless bowling lane.


ETHAN: Me neither. So he doesn’t have the votes. But we should avoid angering him, he’s of our own party. That’s why I propose something that may seem controversial.




ETHAN: Satch never looked into what actual powers were stripped from Alexander. So let’s just make up some powers and- (Ethan uses air quotes) “give them back to him”.


(Cut to the public city council meeting two days later. Chairman Edelman gavels it into session)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Before I gavel in, can I ask if anyone has tooth brush and toothpaste? I forgot to brush this morning and… (Edelman sighs, and then hits his forehead multiple times) stupid! Stupid! Stupid Edelman!

ETHAN: Whoa, just calm down, you’re fine.


(Chairman Edelman sighs)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Sorry. (Edelman breathes deep, and then gavels in) Welcome to the City Council Meeting everyone, it is Thursday, March 2nd, 2017, and if you have public comments or public yelling about Jeff Sessions or the ObamaCare replacement, go to the town hall on the other side of Lake Champlain and deal with it there, this is not the place for that. Okay, the first item on the agenda is CCB 1579, “the bill to restore the full powers of the Mayoralty immediately”, Councilman Donahue, you have five minutes to argue in favor of the legislation.


(Edelman turns off his mic, and Ethan turns his on)


ETHAN: This bill will allow the Mayor of Hansbay to once again be able to collect recyclable materials that have accidentally been thrown away, and then recycle them, for example.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Will my Bro-hammad Ali yield?


(Ethan bites his upper lip)


ETHAN: I reluctantly yield.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: This bill is really baller too, because, it once again allows the Mayor to name our city’s fire trucks and ambulances. And I will be lobbying heavily for them all to be named Chexton.


ETHAN: And I will fight that heavily. The point is, we believe this bill will give the Mayor the flexibility he needs to govern effectively. I yield my time, Mr. Chairman.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The gentleman yields his time, does anyone else seek recognition? No? Okay. Is a vote called for?


ETHAN: I call for a vote, by show of hands.




CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Okay, all in favor? (Ethan, Councilman Graves and Chairman Edelman raise their hands) All opposed? (Councilman Sloane and Councilman Cusick raise their hands) The vote is 3-2 in favor of passage. Without objection, the motion is passed and the motion to reconsider is considered made and laid upon the table.


(Chairman Edelman slams his gavel. Cut to Ethan eating lunch alone in the city hall’s cafeteria. Mayor Satch comes over with a tray containing a tiny milk carton and a PB&J. He sits down)


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, nice to see you. Where did you get milk that small?


MAYOR SATCH: I wanna kiss you!

(Ethan nervously chuckles)


ETHAN: But you won’t, right?


(Ethan smiles)


MAYOR SATCH: You really came through for me, so I trust you again.


(Mayor Satch takes out a crazy straw and sticks it his milk. He takes a big sip through it)


ETHAN: Did you bring all this stuff, because they don’t sell this here. They have more, you know, adult foods.


MAYOR SATCH: Not interested in adult foods, you know that, skipper! Ooh! New nickname?


(Mayor Satch takes out a notebook labeled “Potential New Nicknames for Ethan Donahue- Part 2”, and writes it down)


ETHAN: Well, sir, I’m very pleased we’re on good terms once again.


MAYOR SATCH: I just wish I could stay and kiss for hours, but I gotta run to a ribbon-cutting.


(Mayor Satch smiles, nods and takes his tray away with him)


ETHAN: …Hmmm. That was easy.


(Cut to Ryan sipping his beer in the bar. The bartender walks over to Ryan while cleaning out a stein)


BARTENDER: What’s got you so down, chief?


RYAN: I’m just waiting for some people.


BARTENDER: You’ve been here for a few hours, maybe you should text them?


RYAN: No, they don’t know I’m waiting for them.


BARTENDER: …Do they know they need to come here? (Ryan looks at the bartender and shakes his head) …let me know if you need anything, man.


(The bartender walks away. Ryan sighs)


RYAN: He’s right. What am I doing here?


(Scott and Marcus come back in)


SCOTT: Hey man, where’d you go?


RYAN: I don’t know, seeing Jesse like that was…weird.


SCOTT: Not weird for us, dude, he gets that drunk all the time.


(Ryan chugs the rest of his beer, and then looks at them)


RYAN: Yeah.


(Ryan gets up to leave, but then Scott grabs his arm)


SCOTT: Don’t run off, don’t you want to play pool?


(Scott points to the other side of the bar, where the pool table is)


RYAN: Uhh, I don’t know-


MARCUS: One game, come on!


RYAN: I mean, I’m tired-


(Marcus becomes dead serious)


MARCUS: One game.


RYAN: …Okay, fine.


SCOTT: Hell yeah!

(Scott, Ryan and Marcus walk over the pool table. Marcus puts the balls in the triangle. He then takes the triangle off the balls)


MARCUS: Go ahead, start.


(Marcus hands Ryan the white ball. He puts it on the pool table, and then shoots it, breaking up the ball triangle)


SCOTT: I’ll be solids.


RYAN: I don’t play sports, what does he mean by that?


MARCUS: He’ll shoot solid color balls, you’ll shoot striped ones.


(Scott shoots a red ball into a pocket with the white ball)


SCOTT: Fuck yes.


MARCUS: I’ll go now.


(Marcus lines up his shot, and shoots the ball into some other balls, but doesn’t sink any of them)


RYAN: Guess it’s my turn.


MARCUS: Actually. Hold up. (Marcus puts his arm around Ryan’s shoulder and points at a guy across the bar, who is leaning over a table, texting) You see that guy right there?


RYAN: Yeah.


MARCUS: I know him. I’ll pay you twenty dollars to- (Marcus takes out twenty dollars and puts it in Ryan’s pocket) go over and start choking him with your shoe string.


RYAN: What?


MARCUS: As a joke, don’t actually strangle him, just act like you’re going to.


SCOTT: Mark, that twenty is supposed to be food money for the next month.


MARCUS: Come on, it’ll be hilarious, go do it.


(Ryan chuckles)


RYAN: I don’t know if I’m up to it.


MARCUS: Come on, he’s my friend, it’ll be fine.


RYAN: Yeah, but he’s gonna think it’s real at first-


SCOTT: Come on, just go strangle him, the man gave you twenty dollars.


(Ryan nervously laughs)


RYAN: I mean…so he’s your friend?


MARCUS: Yeah, just go ahead.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Okay.


(Ryan takes the shoelace out of his right shoe, positions it in his hand, walks up from behind the guy, as Scott and Marcus chuckle. Ryan puts the shoelace in front of the guy’s neck, and pulls back slightly, but the guy turns around and pushes Ryan to the ground)




(Ryan scoots back in fear, as the guy begins to lunge for him)


SCOTT: Jericho, relax, man, we put him up to it!

(Jericho looks at Scott and Marcus)


JERICHO: Jesus, I thought the mob was after me again!

(Jericho laughs and hugs Scott)


RYAN: Christ! (Ryan stands up) That could’ve been bad.


(Jericho hugs Marcus. He then turns to Ryan. He extends his hand)


JERICHO: I was so close to killing you, friend. But now I offer reconciliation.


(Ryan looks at Jericho’s hand, shakes it, and then looks at Marcus and Scott)


RYAN: I think I’m gonna head out, guys. (To Jericho) Nice to meet you, Jericho.


(Ryan lets go of Jericho’s hand)


SCOTT: What about the game?


RYAN: You win.


(Ryan walks out of the room. Cut to Ryan walking into his dorm room to see Blaine sleeping on his bed, tossing back and forth, and sleep-talking)


BLAINE: Uhhh…uhhh…kill the women!


(Ryan sighs and sits down on his chair, as “HELLLLLHOOOOOLE” by Jeff Rosenstock begins playing. Cut to Ryan sitting at the table at Jacob’s wedding reception. Jacob turns to Ryan and the song pauses)


JACOB: Where are you, brother?


(Ryan looks at Jacob)


RYAN: I wish I was where you are.


JACOB: You could marry Catherine, have a big wedding ceremony. Renee and I need things to do as a married couple anyway.


RYAN: I’m just saying, you have purpose and direction in your life. I don’t even know what I’m doing, or where I belong. You know I was bullied the other day? I’m almost twenty-two years old! (Ryan sighs) I just get bored with people so easily, and it’s only getting faster.


(Jacob puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder)


JACOB: Ryan. The best realization I ever had was that nothing more is out there. And I mean that. Did you know I haven’t opened a book since I graduated High School?


RYAN: What about like instructional pamphlets?


JACOB: Not even them.


RYAN: Huh.


JACOB: Learn to work with what you have, you’ll be a lot happier.


(Jacob pats Ryan on the back. Cut to Mayor Satch and former Mayor Alexander, wearing tuxedoes, standing in the corner of the ball room. They are holding wine glasses. Irville’s wine glass has a crazy straw in it)


EVAN: Jeff Sessions didn’t lie, he just didn’t remember all those times he met with Kislyak, that’s all. I don’t remember most of the times I’ve met Kislyak.


MAYOR SATCH: You’ve met Kislyak?


(Evan nervously freezes)


EVAN: No, of course not. (Evan nervously chuckles) I’m just saying he didn’t have to recuse himself.


MAYOR SATCH: I think there needs to be a special prosecutor, personally.


EVAN: To find out whether Obama tapped Trump’s phones? I agree.


MAYOR SATCH: Geez leweez, no! That stuff was a bunch of puckey Trump made up!


EVAN: The President said it, we need to investigate immediately. See if Obama can withstand eleven hours of questioning. I mean, 60& of it would just be “uuuuhhhs” but, still, it would be worth it.


MAYOR SATCH: I just don’t think the Democrats are gonna be well-served with Tom Perez as their leader.


EVAN: Why’s that?


MAYOR SATCH: He’s just the same old status quo, Clinton-Obama candidate. They should’ve let Bernie’s guy win. Did you know Bernie endorsed me for Mayor?


EVAN: Is that true?


MAYOR SATCH: Well, he e-mailed me a lot, certainly. Made me think he wanted a date!


EVAN: Hmm. You make a good point about Perez. You know, Mr. Mayor- can I call you Irville?


MAYOR SATCH: Of course, buddy!


EVAN: Irville, you’re a lot brighter than people give you credit for.


MAYOR SATCH: You’re telling me? My sixth-grade teacher gave me so little credit, she made me repeat the entire grade.


EVAN: You know that bill the city council sent to you? About restoring the powers to you that they took away from me?




EVAN: I didn’t have any of those powers. They’re just trying to trick you so they can keep the real power away from you.


(Mayor Satch furrows his brow)


MAYOR SATCH: No! Not my friends!

EVAN: Yes, your friends. If you learn one thing from me, Mr. Mayor, it’s that EVERYONE is your enemy. Including me.


MAYOR SATCH: That-that-foolish fool!!!! (Mayor Satch storms off. Evan smiles. Cut to Ethan sitting at the wedding reception table. Mayor Satch walks over to him and whispers in his ear) Your family is lovely, and congratulations, but I need to talk to you privately.


ETHAN: Sure thing, Mr. Mayor.


(Ethan gets up and walks over into the corner with Irville)


MAYOR SATCH: You slimy pig, you tricked me into thinking I had my old powers back, but they’re completely different powers!

ETHAN: Oh, Christ.


MAYOR SATCH: I don’t know if you have enough bowling alley coupons to regain my trust now, Donahue.


(Mayor Satch tries to leave, but Ethan grabs him by the shoulder)


ETHAN: I apologize, Mr. Mayor, but those powers are too wide-reaching-


MAYOR SATCH: You know what your problem is, Donahue? You only value relationships as far as what you can get out of them. Well, you can keep your friendship locket.


ETHAN: I didn’t make a friendship locket.


(Mayor Satch holds up a locket with Ethan and Irville’s pictures on opposite sides)


MAYOR SATCH: Well, I DID! And you can keep it. Because I no longer need it.


(Mayor Satch hands Ethan the locket, and storms off. Ethan sighs, puts the locket in his pocket, and walks over to the reception table. He sits right next to Ryan. Ethan and Ryan are staring into space, looking equally miserable. Jacob is beaming, and speaking with Renee. “HELLLHOOOOLE” by Jeff Rosenstock comes back on, and the song plays as we slowly zoom out. The song plays until we fade out)
































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