Love is not a blessing, it's a curse!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is my story in it's shortest form. The story of a young bisexual boy.

Submitted: March 09, 2017

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Submitted: March 09, 2017

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What you are about to read is... My life story as compact as I can get it. I am sorry if you find my style of writing annoying in any way, I know that this is more than likely a nice example of how NOT to write a book. Please, after you're done reading this. Give me some advice on what to do because I am lost! I don't know what I should do...

 

I was born into this world, a boy. My family was agnostic, they didn't believe in going to church or mass. But they did believe that someone, created us. My folks were fair and hard working people.

My mom, a waitress when she met my father. A body guard later on, and finally; a cashier. Working minimum wage of course. My father, an ex-truck driver. Now working in a factory, receiving below average pay.

Our home? A 2 story building, shared between 3 groups consisting of 9 individuals. My cousin and his family; ground floor. Me, my mother and father, grandfather and grandmother; 1st floor.

 

I was a lonely kid, didn't have any friends due to my parents smoking habit. Apparently, I smelled of cigarette smoke which drove all of my so beloved classmates to hate me. Getting forced into a room with 24 other kids who constantly picked on me and shunned me wasn't my favorite thing to do. Even the teachers hated me. School was hell for me at the time. I would constantly get into fights. I wouldn't back down no matter how tall and big my opponent was... My parents tried to help me by speaking to the teachers and seeing if they could work something out. But to no avail. They also tried to quit smoking... But failed.

Day after day my grades would get worse, day by day I lost my desire to live. I started to hate everyone around me and I would constantly glare, no matter who I was talking to. The only time I would act happy or normal, was when I was around my parents. I didn't want them asking if something was wrong and I didn't want them to worry about me... So what could a kid like me even do to pass the time? A child who has no friends, no one to play with. My solution; throwing myself into a virtual world, every day right after I got home. I soon got my own computer, which benefited me in many ways. Such as, I started learning more about hardware and software... My english also vastly improved. Of course, I was paying a price... My social skills further devolved and my connection to the real world, was lost. I became very shy and awkward.

It was during these years, that I also started watching porn... And it was my belief that a guy and a girl was the only way it could go. But soon I found myself; uhh... Browsing. Sections that... I considered taboo. I found out I wasn't only turned on by woman, but men as well. I didn't think much of this at the time. Didn't seem like a problem since I could still be with a woman and have kids, a family of my own and such. I know, I was a bit young at the time to be thinking of these things, but this was my thought process none the less.

The years went by and eventually I finished primary school. Being told that I had no chance of success in life. That I shouldn't even attempt to chase my preferred career. Or at least, this is what my teachers told me... I did it anyway.

First day of high school, in the library one of my new classmates approached me. Don't know why he chose to talk to someone like me. I looked at him like I did everyone else... But something was different. This classmate, wasn't insulting me or shunning me. He was being... Nice? He single handedly pulled me out of this dark and lonely place, this shadow of a world I was living in. And soon I started to take notice, that everyone around me wasn't trying to avoid me or ignore me. That left me thinking, what the hell just happened? How can it be that not a single person in my class is showing any signs of hostility towards me!? Within days, school didn't feel like this huge burden, but I was actually enjoying going to school.

Slowly I started to reconnect to the real world... And a year later, I had good relations with every single classmate. And of course, there were groups... I found myself belonging to one with 5 members and we were all good friends. There were no girls in my class which was a shame, but I didn't think much of it. For the first time in my life I felt happy. My grades were looking good, and were actually improving. My friends made school a fun place to go to. I couldn't believe it.

Soon I found myself saying my goodbyes to them as the school year was coming to a close. I couldn't wait for next year! As soon as my next school year started and we all gathered in class... I noticed, one of my 5 friends was missing. He didn't make it. I felt grief and pain as my fantasy world came crashing down when confronted with reality. But I was able to move on. I had to. And so another year passed.

Now, 17 years old, I almost felt... Normal. But there was a problem. Another one of my friends was starting to fail... And I was determined not to let this guy fail the year. But the more I tried to help him, the closer I got to him.

He's pretty cute, like a wounded rabbit. I should help him! I can't let him fail!

I started mentally crossing the line without realizing it... Soon, I couldn't get my mind off of him... But wait, wai- STOP! I'm... I'm attracted to him!? Shit! This is bad... I can't stop thinking about him! What do I do!? Well I guess it isn't that bad, all I need to do is not tell him. Right? I'll be able to get trough this, if I just ignore my feelings. I'm sure I can get past this. He's just a friend. He's just a friend... But, I'm turned on by him... Ah, doesn't matter. I'm good at lying, I can get trough this without DESTROYING EVERYTHING.

Months passed, his grades were looking glum. I was trying to help him, but I was restricted since I had to keep my distance and avoid certain conversations... For some reason, I really didn't want to lie to him. I had no problem lying to others... But him? There was just something about him... That made me really dislike lying to him.

One day, a particular subject came up... Virginity. I was still a virgin and didn't find any shame in admitting it. But he... Wasn't. He told me, he had sex with a GIRL during our previous summer break. This hit me hard, almost instantly. I suddenly felt betrayed, broken. I didn't know what to do.

What's wrong with me? I know I like him but- wait, am I? Shaking!? I... I... No, no... NO! It's not like, I love him!? But I was hoping... we could- I really wanted to... Oh no, I totally love this guy!

»What's wrong? Why are you shaking? You cold?«

Huh? Oh yea! Really freezing! (Crap, this is bad...)

That day ended with me lying in bed; crying. It felt so bad, knowing that what little chance I thought I had, was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was endure the pain and suffer.

I also didn't feel the need to masturbate for a while... This resulted in me waking up one day, feeling horny. Really horny. I tried masturbating later that day... But, I couldn't. I just kept thinking about him and how he isn't the same as me.

He wouldn't want to have sex with me.. He's straight.

This was how my train of thought continued, until I... Gave up. I couldn't do it! It took me another week before I could...*ehm* Finish.

So, another few months went by. One day, I found myself alone with him. Walking down to the bus station after school. I told him about my past, which I kept hidden from more or less everyone. I told him everything... But my secret. This last chest, that I kept buried deep down inside me, under lock and key. I couldn't tell him. I don't want to take a gamble and end up losing him forever! I know I can't be with him, so what's the point....

Another few days have passed and today I found myself, sitting next to him during class. We're mostly listening to the teacher and doing whatever it is she asks of us. The bell rings! It's time to go home. And as I start cleaning up my desk, putting my notebooks and pencil case into my backpack he asks me:

»Are you gay?«

Oh no... Fuck me, what do I say!? Uhh.... I should lie. I need to lie! BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIE TO HIM! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHI-

»Well?«

No! No I'm not.

»Good.«

After avoiding this question for so long... I finally had to answer it. I had to... I had no choice. I feel broken, distraught. My heart shattered as soon as I was done with my sentence.

I should've known from day 1 that he wan't gay, but then again... Even if he was I doubt he would've ever even considered having any sort of serious relationship with me. Perhaps my teachers and previous classmates were right. I am a failure.


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