The Perennial Existence

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story depicts how love can transform enmity into flowery fragrance of friendship. It has ironies set deep inside it breaking the laws which humans have made . It portrays the power of an individual and presents the self- belief and fulfilling capacity of oneself. Lets see how the whispers ran like the wildfire and soon everyone was ignited into this blue flame of love!

Submitted: March 11, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 11, 2017



The chilly wind shook my nerves and goosebumpy shiver ran all along my spine. It was yet bitter cold in this end of Jandogera. From Firpupstay to Thirpupty , the weather had been quite unpredictable. We seldom witnessed the sun out of its cloudy blanket , the white puffs never cleared themselves for long and more than anything , the rain was the most severe occurrence for our clan. We were totally wet , the cold current ran all through inside and water dripped out of our furry blanket. The warm day even didn’t promise us a better night , the night brought with itself the winter’s wrath.

I was walking down lanes , one road to the other , the one which bent at the right angles and ended at the locality’s pond. All around me were no blue , white or green but yellow and black. The visible world seemed to be an expansion of sky itself , painted with black and yellow stars sprinkled in it. Moreover, not all stars were twinkling, some were stationary rectangles and squares. I dearly missed the day’s warmth. It was not more than a minute to my search for feeding up the belly that I sniffed something very personal , what we call the excessive strong odour ; the one which would have made giants sneeze. I paused at that very moment and underneath me ran blood and terror. It was soon that I realized it was a call of my very own.

As far as my memory goes, it was Decdogera when I was crying and welping and was dizzy. I had pain in my womb ; Tommy was there with me , Yes, he is my husband, my very own love. He was looking into my eyes and that bitter pain soothed down , somehow it calmed. His tongue met mine, it was the hot saliva which ran under me, dizziness stayed. I was awashed in love , terror , anxiety and pain. There was wobbling inside my womb and he kissed me there . It somehow pained less after that but it still was breaking my nerves.

“ You would be okay ! I am with you.” It was the last line I could hear tommy uttering , the very faint sound and I departed to that fainted sleep.To me, when I look back at that time , it makes me ill.  Ill, not because of the pain , but I still hate that carelessness; I was not at all bothered about my pregnancy period , it was just the baby I wanted to meet . I wanted to be a mother and dearly wished to nourish my genes. I wanted to see them hopping before my eyes , I wanted to see Tommy smiling. I desired to see him being a daddy ; the blanket our family. I was a mother in my dreams and yet a girl in reality . I was nourishing them in my thoughts and abandoning them in real.

That night , I gave birth to four sweet babies. I could smell Tommy and me in them. They had those beautiful , cajoled eyes , eyelashes shook in perfect motion. My world contained six now  and I was the happiest mother right then. To my surprise , my babies were not all of same colour. I am not being a racist. The two of them had a white body with little brown spots and they were both masculine and seemed that they would be having a good body built ; my handsome boys. The third was a baby girl and she was totally white and magnificently cute. The last, fourth and the smallest one was dipped in brown. The brown that was soft to our eyes. He was perfectly silent, no motion of ribcage , no cries, eyes closed and then the essence of mother in me was back. I was totally scared and looked at Tommy . He read my eyes and understood what I was signaling at. He might also be a scared father right then , worried about his smallest baby. In a moment’s count , he laid down and took the little brown on the top of his chest and cocooned his legs and hands around the newly born hushed baby. He was constantly kissing , giving warmth. Yes, he was being a caring father and my eyes pooled down happy tears. The fear yet persisted and the thought that was encircling around me was whether this tight—lipped baby would utter Mommy soon or not. No soonest did I stop thinking , I heard Tommy shouting.

“ Jerry , I could hear his heart pumping , his lungs are actually circulating air , the blood is rushing down his body , he is warm right now .”

The numerous follicles stood tall on my skin. I was numb for a second and then my lap pouched all three babies inside it . I laid down beside Tommy with all four babies between their parents. And I matched the gaze of the brown . It felt like he was saying – “ Mommy , your stars are crossed now , beautifully crossed with mine.” And I kissed him everywhere possible. My feet soon felt the skin of my love against itself , it entangled and then emerged numerous beats. I could feel his intense warmth .He also had blood gushing all in him at a mega high speed. We looked into each other’s eyes again and then we together looked at our sleeping tiny kids and we saw infinite dreams together that night .

The cold night departed and mornings brought with itself new hopes and spirits. The bushes were all green , ornamented with dewdrops. I picked up the leaves- sewed blanket and put it in the corner. That corner was our only home. It had bamboo rods around, the fences were at random places. The sky was our roof and the ground was our bed. We were not poor as what you all might be thinking , it was the status of ‘ rich’ in our clan. We were utterly happy in that cornered-fenced-sweet-little-home.

Tommy was out for shopping in localities. The shops that we always bragged about had no keepers and still , at present, the condition is same. The things were spreaded around , not even a single product had its fixed place. The energy was the cash needed to buy the stuffs .Rarely  would you find a brand new product, most often , the used and leftovers ruled the localities market. Our fancy shops were around marriage halls. But as marriages didn’t take place so often and therefore, the fancy shops were closed during chilly Decdogera , Overall , the striking thing was that you needed to be powerful than being rich. No keepers of shops obviously resulted in major fights among different clans . Everyone had to feed their family and shops were numerous while the good products were a drop in the ocean.

The yesterday- born – babies were asleep yet. They were used to the womb’s monthly sleep. I called out sweetly and little loudly so as to wake them up and have a look at them. Their eyelashes motioned upwards , the eyelids did open up like a new bud opening up its petal , and soon, their cajoled eyes were visible to me. They had an innocent gaze , just like four pure souls. They yawned and looked at the Earth in real . They were in an alien environment- the home, the sky , the ground, everything surprised them. Among everything , I was the known element. They walked towards me in their random pace. I also walked towards them and in a few moment , we collided. God , we had a sweet fall . The babies ran into me and occupied every space inside my two hands. The babies and the mother were having a sweet-furry-hug time. They were cuddling with me. Soon I ran my nose on all of them and they were so calm right then. After that , the milk-feeding started and it made me realize that I was a mother in real. The placenta fed them in that shell, now did my gland.

The tongue of my babies were out , licking their own cute lips. Their appetite was fulfiiled and they were savouring the cruelty and beauty of the world they had set their first footsteps in. They beaded themselves cicularly around me and shouted meekly- happily together .I , in return, gave them a louder, shrill shout. Soon, the pacing footsteps neared our cornered home. I sensed that it must be Tommy and there was he with the titbits of chappati and colour of worries on his face.

“Why are you down right now, Mr. newly-been-Dad?”

“Jerry , there had been a major fight between the Browns and the Whites. Look at this blood streak , the leader of the white clan pounced upon me.”

“Tommy, it had been quite a luck that you are back with this food.”

The blood near his neck was under my tongue in no time. I was licking , tasting his blood. Heaven, that was damn warm. And that’s how we heal cuts and wounds. The blood teleported itself from the body of Tommy into that of mine.

How gracefully and boldly we devoid all rules which are the foundation of living life, not only we , but everyone around us – the rules of being together. You would say that I am a woman and I have a lots of feelings but surprisingly , I heard Tommy, the handsome male , talking to himself.

 “Fercy pounced upon me… Novdegra 27th , we gave him shelter , and today the chappati led to a Do or Die duel.” He was crying. Not because his neck was scratched or the fingers of his legs had a severe deep cut but because being together is no more an available choice. Fights prevail amongst us, leaving miles behind the anecdotes and long past tales of unity , brotherhood and togetherness. I feel we are no more the creatures with the bony framework or the pump , but we are the encarved curves on that cemented hardened  plate of thick blood.

Weeks passed by after that painful night, the babies were growing healthy. The age demanded food but that thick blood never melted and the cemented plate never broke up. It was very difficult in that chilly cold weather for Tommy and me to leave babies in that open arena and go for search. So we decided that he would do the searching and I would be busy being a mother.

“Run , Tuffy ! Bring that sphere.” I commanded my smallest baby to run. He tried and was limping. He was neither walking nor running. I ran towards him and hastily picked him up. Maybe his bones were too weak or he wasn’t getting enough food to keep him strong. I put him inside the leafy blanket and soon he cozily slept. The play was continued with rest of the children. They jumped with high spirits ,they ran and picked up the ball with great zeal and enthusiasm. They threw back the ball though it didn’t reach me and the game continued for half an hour. After that tiring evening  , I crawled inside the same blanket under which slept my sweet little Tuffy. Meanwhile , the three kids hovered around the place, looked at everything around themselves: the large big houses touching skies, the cottages, members of other clan the four footed cattles and the  green, tall grass.

The bitter-sweet life was in front of them and they welcomed it with open arms. The little kiddos didn’t know the cruelty of the world how they would grow big and would have to fight to gain the wrappers of food on which numerous eyes would be fixed, how hard would it be to protect their own family. God, all this is so tough and they were kids still. I let go of my thoughts and savoured living my new childhood with the newly found piece of my jigsaw puzzle.

The night of Decdogera 16th brought a heart pounding surprise before me. The surprise which kills you slowly, step by step, the one which aims to completely destroy you, the one which never let you be happy again, the one which lit your world with candles of despair , the one which shielded your eyes to not see any good happening. And so you fix up your mind on one thing and I was doing the same. I felt that the last night would have been my last happy night.My Tuffy was the one whom I loved the most. In most of the families the elders get most of the love from their parents but I was a different mother- my smallest brown was the closest to me. Much because he didn’t run and he limped , he smiled even in pain and never let his mother know what actually he was suffering with and most of all I loved him for being the caring baby of his mommy. I feel the urge to kiss him right now but the distance is the separator, not for lifetime but for minutes . I brought some food from the nearby shop and gave a call strong enough for my babies to hear. They all ran together except one. With the food in sight, they jumped on it, taking bits in their mouth. My Tuffy was limping , falling , limping again and falling back. What the hellish thing stopped him from running? Later did I discover , the Brown was  ‘Differently- abled’. Brown had improper legs with him . He was unable to walk like the rest kids did. He had good , beautiful eyes , sweet , small body with the soft muscles but not that straight , bony leg. My heart was like a star then. I was extremely glad with the birth of my babies and the happiness grew , and as the stars turned into massive super giants, my heart too consumed itself at last , I never wanted my lovable baby to be handicapped but he was and I had to live with this horrible truth.

I was praying to the confidence and strength in myself to help me withstand hard, bitter realities and help my brown to get good soon. My gaze was fixed at the endless sky when Tuffy spoke up.

“Mommy, do you look at that sky daily?”

“Hmm..Tuffy. I do look. It provides me peace. Like it gives water to my uprooted body and helps me be okay.”

“Mommy, do you also notice those yellow twinkling dots?”

“They are stars, son! And yes, they are the jewels of the sky.”

“Stars, beautiful ! ”

“Mommy, did you notice their group even?”

“Constellation , yes! They make great shapes and symbols. But why are you asking all this? You needed to be asleep by now. You have to grow healthy , Tuf!”

“Mommy, do all these, stars form shapes?”

“Yes, sort of ! Some meaningful and some random.”

“And I am that meaningful and meaningless collection of starred-cells. This body of mine is just the sky itself . And I have one random part. My legs are not good Mommy . I cannot run and give a meaning to it .”

The tears slid down my cheeks. I never imagined a little two-weeks baby to say that. But he did and he knew how hard was he trying to be like others. How tired he must have felt after all those unyielding efforts. I held him up close to me, felt his heart pounding. Sniffed him , smelt him. He seemed very personal right then and he had the odour of Tommy, the odour which made you forget everything. I looked into his eyes which were the sanctuary of sorrow and tears. And inside the blackest dot of the eye, I could see the hope running in him. He hoped that he would run one day , catch the ball thrown by his mommy , go out on a walk with his beloved daddy . He wished to learn to live and thrive and he hoped everything just like a normal being should. We all knew that hope balances everything and without it , stays nothing.

“Tuffy , you know angels?”

“Angels? Never heard! Tuffy is hearing this for the first time from his..”

“Son-loving daddy. How this sounds, son, Tommy Dad loves Tuffy Son?”

“You know how love sounds? Have you ever heard it?”

“Never heard but felt.”

“I too feel that I got the most amazing daddy of this world. Tuffy son loves his Angel Dad!”

“Angel dad..? You didn’t know what angel is !”

“I didn’t know the seconds ago but right now, I am as sure as those meaningful con…”


“..Constellation that you are the angel of my life. Because you dried my tears.”

“So, the one which dries your tears is an angel?”

“I am not that sure just like I am not so sure if I would ever run like my siblings, but my heart says, the one which heals you is an angel.”

“Did you notice one more thing Tuffy?”

“Your world’s best father got the universe’s best son. And I am as lucky as the one who gets heaven after death. I am the father of Tuffy.”

“Angel dad has Universe’s best Tuffy. It sounds so perfect Poppa! Very, very perfect!”

“To me too , son! The complete perfect!”

Tuffy was conversating with his father while being in my lap. We were out for walk in this late part of the night. This was mostly because enemy clans were fast asleep except some. I could hear distant loud noises of Fercy ! Yes, he was clearly audible.

“So Tuffy, you now know that angel heals a person.”

“Yes, and my angel will give a meaning to my leg , it will be back straight again. And do you know what will I do to the Angel after?”

“I would kiss to show my love.”

In no time, the soft lips planted a beautiful lovely kiss on his dad’s cheek. It was a powerful time- powerful because it gave me strength. It showed me that not only I but the whole family will work together to make impossible happen. I was flushed with hopes, full positive hopes that Tuffy would walk soon and he would run to me, throw the ball back to me , accompany his mom to the shop. My Tuffy would do everything one day.

“Mommy and Dad , I feel something right now!”

“Open up, Tuf.”

“Say, son!”

“The day would soon come when I won’t limp but run, the sun of hopes had risen in this dotted night : the hopes of giving a meaning to my part. My sky would be dotted forever. Dotted not with random shapes but with all meaningful ones!”

They were the perfect voice in my ears. They succeeded every positive thing ever happened in my life. I was never happier than right then. I was floating in my anatomy, flying in Tuffy’s sky and bathing in Tommy’s ocean of love. I had a complete life and I dearly thanked God for that! Soon, all of us went back to that place surrounded by random fences and the completeness sang the melody of sleep and we drifted off.

My memory ran to the morning of Jandogera 1st. Every far and near place was awashed in celebration. The musics were loud , Fercy’s clan made loud merry cheers. Whole world was busy making their new year’s celebration special let alone us. We were packed up with hope and the family made a resolution that we must have had our celebration only when Tuffy would walk atleast three steps and run for some distance without limping. Energy flushed to each and every point in our body.

“Tuffy, stay at one place and first look at me and mommy while we show you how to walk.”

“Son agrees to his powerful Dad! I love you Mommy and Daddy.”

“We love our Tuffy too. Now let’s begin. Tuffy, have a look.”

“First, you need to put your right back and forth leg forward.. Are you focusing at us Tuffy?”

“Yes, Tommy. He is as much excited as we are. Just command him and he would get it all right.”

“Now the left back and forth leg forward.” Tommy was walking and showing. The practicals hence commenced. “Like this. First do it slow.”

“Okay, Tuffy?”

“100% okay!”

“Come on! Let’s start together now.” I asked Tuffy to join us now.

Brown was in the middle of his protectors. He put his right forth leg forward and was trying to drag the back right leg.

“It’s alright baby. Slowly. No haste.”

“I am trying hard, slowly, without haste , daddy!”

And he continued trying.I was unable to see him suffer anymore. I couldn’t see him with that irregular drags. I held his legs firmly and slid it together while he moved his right front leg. He did walk and he smiled. He felt for the first time how it was to walk on your own feet.

“Great! Tuffy. Now go on your own. I know my hearty brown would do it.”

We came at sides again. Tuffy repeated the steps. He moved his right front leg again and he dragged his back leg. Though he moved forward , still he didn’t walk. He limped. He continued his drag. My eyes were focused at the motion of his legs. He was trying hard to lift the back right leg up. The drags and limps were alternate and I was full of despair. Tuffy too laid down on his belly on this straight open road with the unproductive tries. He was tired and I prayed to God that he do not give up. He had to walk and run. He had to continue.

“Mommy, did you just pray right now?”

I was numb and still for almost fifteen seconds. No blood blow, no heart pound , no sign of life in me. How did he know that I prayed?”

“Just as you know that I would stand up again and start trying.”

That was out of his age. He was the loveliest thing I had in my life.

Soon, the other babies woke up and ran up to the being-walked-upon road. They wanted to look at their smallest brother walking. Brown had numerous eyes upon him and he knew that better. There was one thing unchanged. He was as strong as he was moments ago. He had no lines of tension and he felt like he was alone. He needed to walk. He was making his life beautiful and indirectly he made ours too. He was opening up his wings.

Soon, Tuffy began with the steps. Right front leg forward , back right leg drag and a limp. God, do something!”

“I am my God, mommy. I will of course do something.”

I could see his shining eyes and he was confident and determined. I knew that he would certainly do it.

“Right , Mommy. Certainly, I would.” Cried Tuffy happily.

 Brown tried hard and he continued with his usual steps. The flame was yet ignited up in me. The blue flame was rising up, the flairs were high  and the heat was intense. And minutes later , the miracle happened.

He shook his right back leg. He lifted it up.

“Mommy, I did it! I am flying.”

He was flying with his forward steps. He was walking , he saw me happy.

“Brave, son! You did it! Do you see that star in that sky?”

“I could see the sun.”

“Yes, the star it is. Your sky is illuminated too , Tuffy. The sun rose in that black sky. The largest dot ever.”

“Come on son, fulfill your dreams and Mamma’s too. Run up to us.”

“Jerry, throw the ball.”

I ran up to the fences , picked up the ball, paced up my steps and ran up to the miracle ground and threw the ball.

“Catch it, baby.”

“Yes, Mommy, see my wings flapping!”

I could see his beautiful wings .He walked one step, two step , third and picked up the ball in his mouth. God , help him run, he needed to. My Tuffy would do it.

“I will do it , Mommy!”

And in no time , he started pacing up , his flaps were steady , he flew high and sped up.

“I love you ,Tuffy!

“Your son do too , mom!”

“And where is my angel? He completed my wish.”

And Tommy ran up to me while drying out his tears. He wiped it off.

Brown was running. I had happy tears too. I opened up my arms and so did my husband.

The mindreader read our mind and soul once again.

“Is my angel crying? You know, I do have meaningful dots in my eyes.”

“Little Tuffy, It’s dried now.”

“I will stop running then. I am trying hard, very hard . I want you all to smile.”

We smiled.

“No. Not smile but laugh!”

Not that he commanded and we did. We laughed because we felt like. The happy cheers were obvious and then even the motionless objects would be getting our laughter vibes. My world was being painted and I could see multicolour ruling my eyes.

“Great, I know you know this thing but hear this once again that every single time, I am loving each one of you. I have one more wish before I end up in your open arms.”

“Say it, shout out loud, son!”

“You both have to kiss each other , open up your arms once back again. Look into each other’s eyes and then fix up your gaze to me. You needed to be strong before holding your superman. Isn’t it?”

I turned to my love. We both saw tears in each other’s eyes. We signaled each other not to cry with the fear of our mind-reader brown. I sniffed him, smelt him , the smell was very personal. My lips sticked to his. The soft muscle touched every spot inside. It hit the walls of my cheek , the saliva intermixed. I looked into his eyes which read-“We all did it together, right Jerry?”. And I inscribed in my sclera to be read-“Yes, and you are the angel of a superman. What could be greater than this?” We soon opened up our arms and turned towards Tuf. He was pacing up, he jumped two steps ahead , to reach the protective arms as fast as he could.His legs were like the gale during rain. I loved both gale and him. In a moment’s ellapse, the arms of Tommy and me were full , stuffed in with our smallest and the fastest baby. I planted numerous kisses on his fluffy cheeks and pressed him hard against me. He was the core , I was the mantle and Tommy was the crust. The other babies were our beautiful satellites.

“Mom , won’t you hug us?”

The sound of Brady deviated our attention from Tuffy . And I soon realized that I was being a neglecting mom. I only focused on my smallest and negligible on them. Yes, as a Mom , I am accepting my fault. Numerous more are in this long list of being-a-bad-mom guilt. I needed to love them too. That was their necessity and I had to make their childhood the best part of their life. If worse deserves better , the better deserves the best. Tommy took two kids together in his lap and licked them.

“It tickles daddy.”

“And it will tickle for some more time, Brady.”

“Daddy, would you love us forever like this?” Jon asked.

“Even after forever, even more than to what I do right now.”

 “Sylva, did you see how your brother ran?” I asked my daughter with the smile filling up in me.

“Yes, I did. He was like the rocket going up into the space with ferocious velocity.”

“Sister, you were the propeller of this rocket Tuffy.”

And the new year was the most special new year. Special because I had not only Tommy but my four kids in my world. Not only three among them ran but all four did today. And most importantly , I saw a superman, an angel and a mind-reader in real.

“I am doing it yet. I am not sleepy. Mommy, didn’t you see one more thing today?

The God.”

“Yes, you are your own God, Tuffy.”

“Yes, I am that God. Isn’t it you who made me? You saw just the God and I witnessed the mother of God.”

It echoes yet in my ears. The drums still beat. I needed to reach the spot soon to see what was calling me. The tears continued dropping and I was running with my highest possible speed. The arrow of accusitions pierced deep inside me. In reality, I was a hometown of guilts and fears.

Ten days had passed from the very special new year ever. The start of this new year Jandogera was heavenly. I had witnessed super moments , my goosebumps were steady all the while until then. Tuffy was healing well but we still struggled with the regular supplies of food. Tommy was being the real father and worked hard: finding shops and fighting clans. One more good thing happened that day- Fercy started supporting us and it added to our food stock. He accompanied my husband in his search. Fercy’s wife Johana joined us in afternoon , walked with the newly-been-walking baby. She limped together with him  for showing her support and it made my little brown more powerful. Everything was going well, when one sudden evening Tuffy hit a big stone and fell down.

“Mommy, I need you!”

With the heaving alternate breaths, I ran up to him. His legs were bent again and my eyes had blackness all around once again. I couldn’t see hope , couldn’t find strength in myself. I knew that I needed to be okay for helping Tuffy fight hard times. But then I realized that I lost the battle of life. The violets faded, indigo after that and soon all red vanished. I had the colourless world fitted in frame and my painter was injured. Angel came running and even he found himself in unable-to-help situation for the first time. The shield of the protectors had broken down that day. We were helpless.

“I made you all sad once again.”

“No, Son. You didn’t but the situation is the culprit.”

I tied some leaves around the knee joint and it pained to him. He did shrink.

My dearest soul was unable to walk now. He just dragged himself..Dotted sky erased the biggest ever dot once present. His eyes always had tear streaks- sometimes fresh and the other times dried. He stopped eating properly and it seemed that he lost his love from life. His body gave a look of being bone-less.

“When will I be okay back again?”

“Soon, Tuf, soon!!”

“What does soon stands for, Mommy? Today , Tomorrow or Never?”

“Tomorrow.” I ran my hands on his neck to let him feel that his defeated mother was with him in every step of his life.

“And when will this tomorrow come?”

“You are the God, Tuffy!”

“Even God is helpless, Mommy!”

We didn’t even realize how soon the days swept by. The New year eve became a memento. It was the evening of Jandogera 27th when Johana brought us food. It was chilly that day or I could say it was the chilliest day of whole Jan until now.  Fercy accompanied his wife to our fenced cornered abode. The heat irradiated between us. My three kids were fast asleep after full-bellied lunch. Tuffy’s eyes opened at the sound of our distinct conversation.

“Uncle Fercy. Is this you?”

“Yes, brave Tuf! Even aunt Johana is there for you.”

Johana kissed Tuffy. Heavens, that was sweet!

“Uncle Fer. You are right. I am brave right now but I was braver few weeks ago.”

“Brown, you are making it work. Nothing is braver than that.”

“There is , for sure, something braver. Braver than my tries even.”

I was surprised at to what might be the answer to that. Before I could rearrange thoughts, he uttered.

“Your effort is braver than mine. I am struggling against my own body. You struggled with the enmity that you had with us. And you are friendliest than ever.”

Fercy sniffed intensely. His eyes were red while the tears were forming beads.

“Brown, I have the worst enemy yet alive. I need to kill him but he always escapes.”

“Worst enemy?”

“Yes, the random, irregular beast inside you! It was the happiest first Jandogera for us even, this year. When the whispers reached our area that you had defeated the beast and you took your steps, you ran. It disturbed the formation of random false bravery in me. And it was you, who planted a ‘bravery’ seed allowing me to give my hand to your father.”

My once-an-enemy-clan-leader was opening up and even I was full of happy , beautiful smiles.

“How did that whisper reach to you , Uncle Fer? Only my family was around when I took my steps.”

“ It feels so familiar when you call me , Uncle Fer. I love it when you call me by that name. And for the answer to your question, there is a question from my side.

Aren’t you the God Tuffy?

Johana loved you intensely once you were born, Brown. She wanted to take care of you along with your mom. Together. But the enmity superseded friendship and I pounced upon Tommy soon after you were born.

“I remember father crying.” My Tuffy mentioned everything which I had never even imagined that he would.

“You want to know what I as a child vowed that day?”

“That you would grow big and aim to kill us?”

“Killing is not in my veins, Uncle. I know my father so better that he is the most powerful and he would have killed you that very day. But he didn’t and you know, I am made up of him. So why would I?”

“Tuffy, You are really a God!”

“I already admitted that I am my own God.”

“No, mine too.” Fercy felt these words as it came out.

“A child is everyone’s God, Poppa Fercy!”

And ‘Poppa Fercy’ brought in me a sense of realization that he was the purest one in my world. Damn pure!

“You know why I hadn’t killed myself yet? I felt like doing it but I didn’t.”

“Little Brown, you will walk. We will all help.” Fercy said with wet-brave tone.

“The night I hit that stone, it was aunt Johana I was reaching to. She was hidden in the bushes and I could see her. I didn’t want to inform either mom or dad as they wouldn’t have allowed me to go.”

“I loved you everytime, Tuf and witnessed you jumping in the arms of Jerommy. I wished you would jump in my arms too. I also wanted to feel how it was being a mother.”

“I love you, Johana.” Fercy kissed her love, not the decent kiss, but the tongue-licking and heart-melting kiss.

“And I was doing that , mommy Johana. I wanted to give you that surprise, that feeling of completeness. I wanted your dotted black sky to be full of beautiful shapes and all dipped in rainbow.”

That was also one of the beautiful midpoint of the day when the truth revealed itself. I knew how being a mom was and I even felt how Johana’s heart might be resisting all hard feelings of not being a mother. I let her kiss Tuffy and feel him in her arms. I also witnessed another male, the strong one, crying.

“I will soon be back.”

The male character dominated Fercy and he ran by so as no one would see his rolling tears. Tuffy gave a loud , shrill , call.

“Poppa, Fer. It’s okay if you cry.”

The mind-reader was back again and I realized then that my brown was obviously and seriously differently-abled. Even though he had one improper leg , he had sanity deep inside him. That very night, I saw him back as my complete baby. Arrival of Ferana made me strong back again.  I looked at Tufffy with a very different eye. He was a beautiful baby with everything in him.

“Everything, mom. The friendship and love made my sunrise again. The energy that had been lost long ago has been refilled. I am all energized and the deciduous spirit in me transformed into evergreen.”

“Even I feel the same, baby.”

“Poppa is back. He is extremely glad too.”

“Where is he?”

“Here I am, love. Back to my home and family. I met Fercy in the midst of my way back here. He was wailing. He was in pain and was guilty of attacking on me.”

“He was here too few minutes back.”

“I knew it and he also said that he need to do something for Tuf. He ran in haste and I couldn’t even ask about what he was referring to.”

So, Fercy and his wife headed back to their own place.

“Daddy, I love this completeness. I know we all hate spider webs and unoccasional traps but love is a trap I would want to be forever trapped in. Even with my limps and drags.”

He made every moment special. Even though till today he is unable to walk , he lays himself under the sun on that sand-hill. He drags himself like a powerful being. His heart is completely mended and never wants anything else for him. He was happy to think and feel that his sky is even dotted, there are some skies in some other worlds which didn’t have the presence of a single star in it . Not any random shapes too and he had just an irregular part. He could live with that and he lived. He was glad, my whole family was happy. His brothers and sisters always surround him and the merry chimes of my kids became perfect tune to my eardrums. I personally enjoy the limping and dragging game they all play together. I remember Tuffy saying me something yesterday.

“I have got the amazing siblings. They love me immensely, mom. They dragged with me, they also fell down with me and they limped too. It felt so special. They made me feel special. I am a special—abled baby of Jerommy”.This was not what made me feel that my Tuffy was great but he was the bravest of all . And I loved him for being a part of my world.

The smell is growing stronger. I am at the end of the street that bent at right angles and I have run since the localities pond. I was pacing up , at my fastest possible speed to know what laid before me. I heard Tommy crying bitterly from distance. I heard approaching steps of all enemy-clans matching their steps with Ferana. I was blank about what was really there. Did it belong to me? Yes, it did  the smell was very personal right before and now too. And I needed to face it bravely. As soon as I reached the pole that had sand heap in front of it in the big open field, several feet away from my cornered home. I noticed crowd around that heap. The crowd included every member of enemy clan : the brothers and sisters of Fercy were there, Johana’s mom was even present, the neighbor of Fercy ; King Solemon was also present and the counting proceeded to an unimaginable digit. Tommy was once a crust , now was the mantle and I was the satellite. The roles do change as do the situations. I stood on my two feet trying to pierce my vision from distance and actually know what was there in the core. All of a sudden, my thoughts jumped on my little brown. Where was he? Was he busy with his brosis. But other kids were at that very spot along with Tommy and they were silent. It was not more than a second that the eyes of the crowd turned to me and everyone stared as if I was guilty of something. And it was not something new, I was the guilt’s abode.

My hesitant footsteps neared the boundary of crowd  and my steps cut through the little gaps present. And the eyes of mother looked at the body of her brown. I was glad and fulfilled that he was there. Tuffy seemed to be a mountaineer who climbed up high and poled down deep the flag of victory. I could proudly say now that I was the proud mother of my victorious brown who won all battles of his life. He will go on winning forever. Even now..

“ Up in the heaven, Jerry!”

“Why up in the heaven? I know he is good soul but he is alive yet. And God never dies Tommy!”

And I was being a hungry-to-look-into-brown’s-eyes mom , listen-to-the-mindreader-baby mom and every kind of possible mom right now. And the chord inside me broke down with a huge force. My Tuffy left his mom alone , withered her world. And he would be asking one question right now from up in the heaven- “ Mom, I again made you sad?” and  I would have replied-“ No Tuffy, your  death is the reason.” The blood found its passage out of his mouth and it clearly indicated he was no more. His blood gave the same smell as gave Tommy’s. It’s essence has love flowing in it. My world rewinded back again- I was the same neglecting mom. I didn’t even think before going out but I was compelled to. I needed to feed them. Still, a mother should have no excuse. I wished that I would go to heaven prior to him but he was the God , and he took himself away. His death made several worlds barren , deserted, uprooted. My Tuffy was the only star of my sky and that star seemed to disappear. It disappeared as fast as was my imagination of him being alive. My world is darkest than ever . I couldn’t even see a faint streak of  light.

“Mom , could you hear me?”

“Tuffy, Son. Where are you? Are you there around me?”

“ No, mom. Not around. But inside you.”

“ Don’t entangle me with your words Tuffy.”

“I am not doing that , Mommy.”

“Yes, you are! You were your God, how did you disappear?”

“I am not vanished. Just look at that sky. Is it cold?

“Yes, very!”

“I am too feeling it Mommy!”


“Because I already said. Is there a big star just above you?”

“Yes , it is, very bright.”

“Could you see me, Mommy?”

“Everywhere , son!”

“Then why did you say that I disappeared?”

“Because your daddy said me that you were up in the heaven.”

“Where are you looking at right now?”

“Up in the heaven.”

“Do you find truth in his words?”


“I am him, mamma. Love him and you will love me.”

“Tuffy, I want to meet you!”

“Should that be the question from the creator of God?”

“No, but still , I need my God , I need a proof as to whom I created.”

“I am what you created. Did you see me first or create me first?”


“You don’t need to see me then, Mommy.”

“I do, I certainly do.”

“Okay . So turn right.”


“Look into dad’s eyes!”


“Did you find me?”

"Yes. I love you Tuffy!


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