Golden Gate

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
the pacific swallows me

Submitted: March 14, 2017

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Submitted: March 14, 2017

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I been trying to get this sorted out for a while now,

But all my efforts have been futile.

Every step forward equals two steps backwards,

And I’m so frustrated I feel like my heads gonna split open.

 

Everyday the desire to wake up continues to fade,

I feel like I’m going through the motions most days.

Go to school, come home, do homework, go to work

The come home, fuck around half the night, then go to bed.

I feel like I need change in life, but so many things are fucked up,

I’m not entirely sure, where I should fucking start.

 

I’m on edge, just give me a reason to go over,

I’ve always felt like I’m bad day away from a bullet in the brain.

Some nights I try to write down something for my family to find,

But the more I think about it, the more afraid I get.

I’m hesitating and my hands are shaking like Cali during an earthquake,

Cause you’re not supposed to be imagining your own death.

 

If I don’t come home one night, don’t bother looking for me.

Cause I’ll make sure none of you niggas find me.

I’ll make sure to bring the car back, with a full tank of gas,

Leave the keys and my debit card under the doormat.

Y’all can have all the money my bank account,

Cause you don’t need money to jump off the Golden Gate.

 

I feel the best when I dissociate, cause fucking nothing can hurt me then.

I hurt myself just enter that state, it feels like I’m watching a movie.

My mind can’t process all the shit I keep experiencing,

So all my ego defense mechanisms are always active.

 

I feel like something’s gone wrong inside my head,

Like the neurons aren’t firing like they’re supposed to.

I ain’t got enough dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine

In my system, doesn’t anyone have some I can borrow?

 

If all my dopamine receptors are fried, that would explain a lot.

Cause I know you was crying over the lack of arousal,

I tried to tell you it wasn’t you, it was me, but I don’t know if you believe me.

Don’t even try to get me to take Sildenafil,

I told you niggas it’s not that deep.

 

I love my homeboy but he needs to back off a little,

Cause he and I both know I’m not happy being alone.

But trying to set me up ain’t worth it,

Cause your girlfriend’s friends are all fucking crazy,

I ain’t trynna get involved in that.

If I wanted instability, I’d just date myself.

Besides that fact, if I wanted a bitch I could get one.

I get why you feeling that way, and I know your intentions are pure,

But I got enough pills in the house to keep me company.

 

I need substances just to make it through the day,

Without these vices I’m just not myself.

Without suffering I’m not me no more,

I don’t know anything about an easy life,

Cause just ain’t something I’ve experienced.

 

I can’t breathe cause this motherfucker is stomping on my chest,

Crushing my lungs and rib cage into fucking dust.

I can’t stand up to fight some more,

Cause those fuckers snapped my legs like twigs.

 

I keep wondering if this is the end of the line,

But don’t say y’all didn’t see the warning signs.

I try to hit up my friends, just for someone talk to,

But they all got disconnected, so I know what I gotta do.

 

If I don’t come home one night, don’t bother looking for me.

Cause I’ll make sure none of you niggas find me.

I’ll make sure to bring the car back, with a full tank of gas,

Leave the keys and my debit card under the doormat.

Y’all can have all the money my bank account,

Cause you don’t need money to jump off the Golden Gate.


© Copyright 2017 Melancholic Wisdom. All rights reserved.

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