Anxiety and me.

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just ramblings from my wee mind.

Submitted: March 18, 2017

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Submitted: March 18, 2017

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Sat at my laptop on a saturday night, I opened my browser and googled the word 'Anxiety'.

About 211,000,000 results (0.57 seconds) ?I clicked on images and was met with the majority of female's posing with grim facial expressions.with thier hands up clutching at thier heads or faces. This is my story.
 
I have not so recently been diagnosed with Anxiety. I have been put in touch with the local mental health team to talk to someone about it. I was always the loud over the top friend among our friendship group. The one who loved to make people laugh and have people feel good from something daft that I did. The we grew up, moved all over, got jobs, responsibilities and didnt have a lot of time for each other.No bad blood, jsut grown up lived to lead. I had a few things happen in my personal life that I thought i was coping well with. Always one to bottle it up and get on with it with not much of a fuss. My thoughts were everyone has negative stuff they are dealing with, Im not going to burden them with mine. Im a grown woman and capable of dealing with life.
 
Then a few months after my personal life started to settle down and there was happiness around me again, I was sitting at my desk in work. A normal day, following my normal routine and I started to get a little fidgity in my chair. Trying to focus on my work and ignore the restless feeling creeping over my entire body building up I couldnt sit still. Using any excuse possible to get up and walk around the office I got tissues, a drink, some chewing gum and then the most horrible sensation washed over me. The only way to describle it is like I felt like I was crawling out my own skin. I wanted to get as far away from myself as possible. Like the me inside was trying to seperate from my physical body. Panic started to spread through my limbs. I counlt sit down, I couldnt stand still, and I couldnt be around my collegues. I left the office and the only thought on my mind was that i needed my mum, 26 years old and all I wanted in the entire world was to hear my mums voice.
 
I all but ran to my locker and grabbed my fone, locked my self in the bathroom and dialled her number. By this point it sounded like I had ran a marathon a full speed, I couldnt catch my breath. I could feel my heart beating in the back of my eyes and I was having chest pains. We were taught about fight or flight in high school and all I wanted to do was talk to my mum and run out of the bulding screaming my head off clawing at my own skin.I left the toilet and went outside I was sweating and I felt sick. By now I had convinced my self I was having a heart attack. Everytime I called my mum and it got to her voicemail, I hung up and redialled. Her not answering was not an option.
 
Now where I work, there is at least 60 employees. Everytime someone walked by me, I didnt want to cause a scene I forced all these feelings down and got my self together enough to smile and nod at them as they passed by. That is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Pretend to be ok when I felt like my world was literally falling apart. To look as normal as possible when I wanted the groumd to swallow me whole. I told my boss I had vomited and I was going home. Instead I drove straight to my doctors and as soon as the receptionist asked me what was wrong, I fell apart at her desk. I told her I didnt know what was going on and after telling her everything she got me a small room to calm down in. She told me it was a panic attack and she had gotten me an emergany appointment for later that day. I have never had a panic attack in my life before that and if I ever have another one it will be too soon. I 100% thought I was going to die that day and I've never been so scared in my entire life.
 
Growing up I always thought anxiety was just feeling a little bit nervous. I didnt realise what a life altering condition it could be. The panic attack was just the start. It was soon followed my disturbed sleep, horrible thoughts, intense bouts of feeling down. It stopped me living my life the way I has been living or how I wanted to continue to live. I remember one day in particular. In work there was a big football match on and the bosses has given us time off to watch the entire game. I wasnt particularly interested in it so I sat at my desk. Going to fill my water bottle I lifted it from my desk and walked into the canteen to be greeted by about 20 boys sitting watching the football. Now thinking back I realise not one of them paid me any attention. But at the time, it felt like as soon as I stepped in , every set of eyes in the room was on me. Not just looking at me, but angry with me for disturbing thier game. I wasnt welcome in the canteen and me being there was irritating to the boys. Thats one of the many ways my anxiety manifests its self.
 
I have this little voice in my head, it makes me think the worst things about every situation. Its quite mean and it can be very difficult at times to ignore it. It gets louder at night, when im by myself with nothing to distract me. I dont like crowds. I hate peope standing up when I'm sitting down. I cant sit in a room with an open door. I cant deal with people physically touching me, especially skin to skin, ike touching my hand or face. People who pay me a compliment, I think they are lying. I stopped reading, I wasnt finding music fun anymore. I didnt want to see people I knew. I was scared of bumping into people I knew when I was out and about. I hated answering questions about myself.
 
Anxiety isnt fun and its a daily battle. But its one I'm slowly winning.



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