'The Calamity Dick Report'

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Far-right wing political commentator star!

Submitted: March 20, 2017

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Submitted: March 20, 2017



"Welcome to this, the very first of what I'm sure will be many, many broadcasts, 'The Calamity Dick Report,' presented by Reynolds Aluminum Foil. I'm Dick Turjireeno, but you can call me D for short, or

Turj. I'm D asshole your mamma warned you about--woo----eh, ha, ha! In addition to being an ultra-conservative political commentator, I'm also a stand-up comedian, as you can tell, and a quick plug, if the station owner doesn't mind--I'll be appearing at Dino's House Of American Values and Bait Shop on March 28.


"Now I must begin with the undeniable, proven fact that President Obama ordered President Trump's, then candidate Trump, phone tapped in order to get damaging information on him. Now, I know most people 'knowledgeable' about the case say 'absolute bullshit!', but our friends over at Breitbart News are reporting that it's true, and why they lie, so there you have it, a proven fact. I also want--hey, what's that helicopter doing flying over? I know it's the Democrats--well Democrats, f*** you! Say hello to my little friend!"


'Pow! Pow!'


"Well, that will teach your ass to fly over my office, spying and shit!"


"Ah, Sir, didn't you see the words 'News Channel 8' on the side, and hear on the scanner there's a collision up the street?"


"Davy my boy I'll tell you what, you be the producer, and I'll be the reporter, do we have a deal?"


"Yes, Sir, but to shoot down an unarmed helicopter?"


"Ha, unarmed? Son, they had enough liberal lies on board to wipe out the entire southern section of the nation--that was no 'news' helicopter, it was them, the damn liberal left Democrats!"


"Whatever you say, Sir."


"Okay, moving on--just let me put this gun away, which the 2nd Amendment guarantees me the right to own, which is among the rights that are under attack from--what's that guy doing walking like that on the sidewalk out front?"


"Sir, that's the power guy checking out that electric meter problem, remember?"


"What electric meter problem?"


"When you pried off the cover because you were certain the Democrats had bugged it?"


"Well, one can never underestimate those liberal bastards!"


"But, Sir, why would they bug the outside meter?"


"Ahem, look, do you want this job or not? Because there are plenty of unemployed freaks who would roll in dog shit if I asked them to."


"A: why would you ask them to, and B: I went to community college for two years to learn what I do, you can't just grab a guy off the street."


"Well, I say I can, education's so overrated, but I'll let your transgression go, but from now on, a lot less jaw-flapping, and a lot more twiddling of your knob, clear?"


"Yes, Sir!"











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