Everything you didn't know I knew

Reads: 268  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Relationship with my father.

Submitted: March 20, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 20, 2017




By Liliana Ferrer

Dear Alex,

I'm writing you just to let you know that I saw everything. From the cheating, to the abuse of drugs, alcohol, and my own mother. I will never forget or forgive you for what you did. I also will never understand why you did it. You act so innocent as if you did nothing wrong but really, you are the reason why we don't live together. You are the reason why I have trust issues and why my sister will grow up never knowing her father. I don't mean to come off as rude or as if I am attacking you, but I feel like it's time for me to get this off my chest. I don't want to secretly have this grudge or blame myself for your mistakes anymore. I think it's finally time for me to tell you what I have been holding in for all these years.

Alex, I do love you, a lot. You are the one who played a part in putting me into this world and gave me a lot of great memories like teaching me to drive when I was 11 and taking me to the fair. Those memories I will cherish forever, but you also gave me memories that weren't so great. Those memories have scarred me and left me wondering if I will ever meet the one because of how hard it is for me to trust a male. I am terrified that I will meet someone like you who will push me into walls, throw things at me, smack me onto the floor in front of my own children, and choose their addictions over their family. I never want me or my children to go through what you put our family through. You think you are the only one being affected by your mistakes but you're wrong. Let me tell you how.

You are my dad so I cannot hate you, but I do not forgive you. I understand that this all took place over 10 years ago and you might think I shouldn’t be upset anymore but I am because all my positive thoughts of you were all crushed in about an hour. I feel like I was betrayed and lied to almost my whole life. I used to look up to you and say “I want to be just like my daddy” and write about how great you were. Back then I still knew some of the truth from the memories I had. At first, I thought they were just nightmares I had of my brother and I. I remember sitting at the dinner table eating apple sauce and turning around because of the yelling and the loud bangs of my mom being pushed to the floor. I remember seeing my favorite elmo train toy being held like a football about to be thrown at my mom. My mom who who worked three jobs to keep us from living on the streets, made sure we didn't go to school without something in our bellies even though, we couldn’t afford much, and the one who gave up so much for our family. I remember Looking at my little brother’s wet face and back at you. You turned your head towards us and I remember your exact words being, “Don't cry, mommy and I are just playing around.” I will never forget those words because at the time, I didn't know what to believe. I looked up to you and I was “daddy's little girl” so I believed anything you said but those words didn't sound right. I thought you would never lie to me but when I looked at my mom and noticed that she had mascara running down her cheeks with her hands up to protect herself, it didn't look like a game.

When I was 12, I gained up enough courage to ask my mom if my nightmare was really just a dream. It was her and I in our car getting ready to leave our sewing class and before she turned the key to start the car, I said “mom, I have a question.” She turned her head towards me and asked what my question was. I told her about my nightmare. I told her how it felt too real to be a dream but it didn't seem like something you would do. When I was done, her eyes were no longer looking at me. She was staring into her lap not saying anything. I didn't know what to do. I asked if I did or said something wrong. Her hazel eyes looked up at me and said “You did nothing wrong and didn't say anything wrong but that wasn't a dream.”  I looked into my hands thinking about what she just said. She went on about how she thought I was too young to remember our lives in Colorado and the reasons why we left. “It was because of your dad” she said and my heart dropped. I kept looking at her hoping she would say she was joking but we just sat there in silence. I didn't know what to say because after all these years, I blamed myself for the move. I asked her questions like if anyone helped us leave and if she still talked to you. I was still in denial about the truth so I kept asking questions about the move hoping I could catch her in a lie so it all wouldn't be true. Every question I asked her, she gave me the opposite response I wanted. Her face didn't do that one expression she does when she lies so I knew she wasn't lying to me. All I wanted was for you to be my “hero” but the answers wouldn't let that be true. After that day, I called other family members and asked to see if what mom said was true and I got the same response every single time. Each time I heard it was true, the more and more anger I developed towards you and more and more my heart broke. That summer when I flew out to see you, it hurt. When I looked into your eyes as I walked towards you from baggage claim, I no longer saw my hero who I looked up to for many years. I saw a stranger. I couldn’t and still can’t look at you the same anymore. In my eyes, you were someone I looked up to and now, you're just another person I go visit once a year. I still tried to act like I didn’t know anything but it was hard because every time I looked at you, that's all I could think of, you hurting my mother. I couldn’t believe that you would hurt her the way you did. Not just once, but multiple times. I knew you cheated on mom considering you did it right in front of me when I was four and I am the one who told mom. Since that day you cheated, till the 5th grade, I blamed the divorce on me. I hated myself for telling mom and would always beat myself up for it. I thought if I never told mom, the family would still be together. But now I realize that what I did, I saved mom’s life and us not being a family anymore, it was for the better. I am am happy we are not together because of how much better we (as in mom, Tommy and I) are doing now.

Your mistakes, have caused many things. The first being the obvious, your children not having a father growing up. Your absence in their lives can cause negative effects on their mental health. Let's keep in mind that mental health is just as important as physical health; only difference being one can be seen and the other isn't. According to OpenLab at City Tech, you’re daughter’s chances of being insecure are very high because the father plays not just the role of protecting their daughter but he teaches her self-control. If this self-control isn't taught while she is growing, as she gets older, she will have a hard time loving herself. She won't see her self-worth because of how low her self-esteem is and then that could lead to depression. I’ll be honest, I do have an issue with my self-esteem and I have gone through depression in the past. I don't know if I got depression because you were rarely there in my childhood but after researching about daughters without fathers, it kind of makes sense now.

Back then when I had the mental disorder, I never understood why I hated myself so much but I just did. Tears would be running down my face wishing I was someone else and hoping I would be saved from the hell depression put me in. I would always have these thoughts of “would I even be missed I wasn't here?” and “what if I did kill myself?”. I thought about plans and ways I could end the constant sadness I was going through. Those weren't always what I was thinking about. Other times, the thoughts would be me beating myself up and sometimes I would cry myself to sleep and other times, I wouldn't get an hour of sleep. All I would do is overthink and blame myself for things that weren't even my fault and were out of my control. Those two years, were some of the worst years of my life. I never got things done and I would let my depression decide on what I was going to do. The things I enjoyed doing the most like sports, I didn't enjoy them as much anymore. I would dread leaving the house and was always lying about how I truly felt. I always said “yea, i'm okay.” and “don't worry about me, I'm fine.” You probably won't believe your “happy and always positive” daughter having depression but, it's true. You know what else is true? That teenage girls without a father growing up are 7% more likely to be a teen mom. Crazy right? You know what else is crazy? How after all these years and after what you did to our family, I'm thankful for you and still use you as an inspiration. Not saying I want to be you or I am thanking you for hurting our family but for other reasons.

I just want to say thank you for showing me what not to do as a parent and who should and should not be around my future children. Thank you for messing up because now, my mom is genuinely happy with someone who treats her right. Her happiness mean a lot to me considering she has done so much for my siblings and I. Mom always made sure we were happy and put us first. Now, not only is she happy but Tommy and Serenity are too. All three of them mean so much to me because we have all been through so much together and I want the best for them. The four of us are living better than we would have ever if we lived with you. I’m sorry for being harsh but you ruined the beginning of my childhood. You made us almost homeless many times because of your addiction and now, Tommy, mom, and I are living the life we deserve. When we left you, we came to California with the clothes on our back because we had nothing to bring with us. Your family gave us a couple hundred for us to get away and once we moved to California, my childhood and just my life got better. So did mom’s, Tommy’s and Serenity”s. We all felt safer and happier. Now we have our own house, three different cars, food in our cabinets, closet full of clothes, bins filled with toys, many different pets, and are going to great schools. Mom has one job now that pays more than those three jobs paid combined, and just have a happier family. Thank you for never being there for me because by doing that, I have became a strong, independent young lady who will not drop out of high school, who will not turn to drugs and alcohol to heal all my problems, not take my anger out on other people, and not give up on my goals or let anyone get in the way of me completing those goals. One last thank you for letting us leave, be free and be happy.

I am genuinely happy with how my life is at the moment and I wouldn't want to change a single thing about it. Yes I have had a bumpy past partly because of you, and I know things happen for a reason but if I were to change the fact that we don't live together, then my life would be so much more different and difficult. I honestly don't think I would be living right now. Everything that I have ever wished for as a child, came true. All I ever wanted was for myself and my family to be happy and safe. I feel like now that we live separate from you, we are able to be happy and free.

Starting now, please be there for Serenity. She is still young and knows nothing about your past so you can make a change in her life. She needs a fatherly figure in her life unlike Tommy and I had. It's not too late and I do not want her to turn out like Tommy and I.  I don't want her to grow up saying she didn't really have a father like Tommy and I. We did see you and talk to you while growing up but only once a year when we flew out to see you during the summer for a couple weeks. Even then, you were rarely home. When we flew back to California, Tommy and I never got a letter, text, or phone call from you. If we wanted to talk to you, we had to call you first. Honestly we felt like you didn't want us in your life so we gave up trying to have a father in our lives. Tommy stopped visiting you and I stopped calling. We are done but Serenity isn’t. Be there for her like you never were for Tommy and I. You’re there for Angela but not for your first three children. Be fair and change that. You don't live with Angela for the same reason why you don't live with us but yet you call her first and you text her first and you’re always making the first moves with her. Do the same for Serenity so you won't receive this letter twice.

I wrote this to inform you that I know what you did and why my attitude towards you has changed over the years. I wanted to tell you exactly how I felt and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but you hurt our family. Thank you for hearing me out. One last thing, was the abuse of drugs, alcohol, and my mother really worth losing the family and while abusing them, did you ever think about how those would affect those around you? Or do you only care about yourself?


© Copyright 2019 lillieferrer. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: