The Struggle Within

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Bipolar and depression

Submitted: March 21, 2017

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Submitted: March 21, 2017

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Too many of us suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. Unless you experience it for yourself it's hard to understand what people with this disorder goes through on a daily basis. I will attempt to give you a sense of how it feels to have this disease. I can not speak for everyone who suffers from this so I am just going to  try to explain it from my point of view and what it does to me. Bipolar is like a juggernaut, a  uncontrollable infection that rips and tears at your very soul, affecting the mind, heart ,spirit and your judgement. Sometimes it's not the tear that measures our pain but the smile we fake. I have what I like to call "episodes" once or twice a week. My episodes can be severe depression, other times it can be extreme anger, and even sometimes both. I am not really sure how it's triggered. Anything can set it off, even something as simple as someone looking at me the wrong way. Each episode last anywhere from one to four days. Most of my episodes are depression. It is a feeling of extreme loneliness. A feeling that I have no one, nobody cares, nobody loves me and that I will never find companionship. I fell like I am nothing , I have nothing, and nothing is going to help. I also think that I am a fucking joke, my life is a joke, I am hideous looking. What woman in her right mind would ever want to date me or be my girlfriend. I have always had very low self-esteem and self confidence which I guess is due in part to my disorder.  Some of my episodes are extreme anger now, this is the one that I think scares me the most . This is the one where I am afraid to be around anyone. The anger and the hate inside me feels like it's going to explode into a violent uncontrollable rage. The last is the worst one has both extreme anger and depression. It can be absolute anger and hate one minute and switch to extreme depression the next. Many times while having these episodes I have thought of  harming myself and others and even thoughts of  suicide. There were many nights that I prayed for death. The thing that stops me and pulls me back is my  family, love of my family and fear of the unknown. I am really one of the lucky ones. I have a wonderful, amazing family that is always there for me. I have a family that knows what I go through and understands and I m so grateful for that. Sometimes though even that feels like it's not enough. There are people in this world that really do have no one and no one to turn to. I have to take three different kinds of depression and mood drugs, which I have to change on a regular basis because they stop working. I found that the best medicine is my family but sometimes even that doesn't work. Just today my family was having a get together. I was unable to go because I was so deeply depressed that my illness wouldn’t let me. I spent the day in bed trying to hold back my tears and cope the best way I knew how. I am writing this note not to get sympathy or attention but to spread awareness of this horrible disease. I am trying to give you a sense of just a little bit of what people like me and others go through on a daily basis. If you know someone who suffers from this, the best thing you can do is to always love them, have patients and always be there for them. You will be quite surprised how much a little caring and love can affect a persons life who suffers or anyone for that matter. Hopefully, with the help of my Amazing family, my wonderful doctors I can beat this. I will no longer have to face the struggle within.

 


© Copyright 2017 Bug Arnett. All rights reserved.

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