self-harm story part 1

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Please don't read if you're easily triggered.

Submitted: April 05, 2017

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Submitted: April 05, 2017



From being in a dream, to waking up to the harsh reality can only hurt so much. The pain comes flooding back in, like waves. I used to think recovery was possible for this certain subject; I think I thought wrong. Being 5 months clean was a hard fight, I genuinely thought I got over the disgusting addiction. I told myself day in day out that I had won. I am better. I don’t need help. However, all I was doing here was lying to myself. Hurting myself only a little more.

But my head eventually took over, the thoughts striking through like lightning in which left me with no option but to pick that blade up and run it through my wrists. The pain was gone, the thoughts had disappeared. The feeling was surreal. To say I had missed the feeling would be an understatement.

The blood trickling out, and the cut getting deeper and wider. Not thinking about the scar that it would leave me with. As the intruding thoughts would then come back and scream to do more and more. So, I did.

No emotions whatsoever. Not angry, happy nor sad. I’d sit there and look at the mess I created. But I’d rather the mess then the battle with the thoughts 24/7. People think it’s a phase, or just an attention thing. But for me, it’s the opposite. I didn’t want attention, I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the urges to disappear and doing what they asked was the only way. If it was a phase would it be for so long? Does a phase last for 4 years? If so when does it end. I’d be reassured if this was all one big phase. That way It helps me to understand why. Truth is I don’t know why I needed to feel the pain. But if I’m strong enough to let it in then I’m strong enough to let it go, right?

If anyone has self-harmed, or even thought about it then please just pop me a message. You’re not alone. If you’re 0 days clean, 10 days clean or a year+ clean I’m extremely proud either one. You are worth life.   I will listen, I care deeply.


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