A Letter To the Devil

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a personal letter I wrote to my Devil about what happened to me in December 2014. I was only 21 years old facing one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I never expected this to be my life.

Submitted: April 07, 2017

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Submitted: April 07, 2017

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Dear Brandon,

I used to write to you all the time. It would help me during the times that we didn’t get to see each other because the distance was always an issue. Even though we talked on the phone all the time, it still just wasn’t the same. Writing to you felt like I was actually talking to you. So I kept a notebook and wrote multiple letters to you. I would write about all of my feelings. ALL OF THEM. I knew deep down that you would never read the stupid thing. Even though I asked you several times too. I thought that maybe it might help you understand what you were doing to me. Silly me right? To think you would actually care enough about my feelings to read a silly little notebook. A notebook that I cried into on some of the days you made me feel the lowest. Yet, there I was writing to you, wishing you would take away the same tears that you just caused me. We did always makeup, and the good days we had were great! They were full of laughter and love. I still look back on those memories time to time. Remembering how we didn’t care what anyone else thought, that as long as we had each other everything would be fine. But that wasn’t the case, was it? 

You see, you always made me feel like everything was my fault. That I was overreacting. That I could have prevented every fight had I just been a good girl and kept my mouth shut. But a part of you loved every fight. You even said to me “I like to hurt you, I like to watch you cry.” You knew that with every fight, there was the make up. You would say every sweet word that you knew would sway me back to you, and I would fall for it like the gullible sap I was. Because I wished so damn hard that you really meant the words that you said. That you would change and stop tearing me down just to build me back up. Things never did change though, did they? In fact, they steadily got worse as our lives continued to move forward together. The cheating, the lies, the deceit, and betrayal all steadily just got worse; until it turned into something even sicker. I was afraid of you, you know? You threatened me daily that you were going to leave me if I didn’t change. I was a newlywed and a new mother. Keegan was only 2 months old if that. I knew I needed to let you go, but I was too afraid too. You had broken me down so much that you made me believe that no one could ever love me. Hell, I didn’t even love me.

Before I knew it things started to get even worse. You started to pack your things into our car. You told me that you were leaving and never coming back, that you were taking everything. I told you that you could leave but that you needed to leave me the car. To have your dad come pick you and your things up, but you didn’t want that. You wanted me to hurt and suffer. Which meant that you had to take the car too. So I wrestled the keys from you and that’s when it happened. The first time you ever laid your hands on me. It didn’t even phase you one time as you steadily pushed me and punched me. I got the keys and locked myself in the bathroom crying, not knowing if it was safe to come out. Eventually, we made up and you told me you would never do it again. Surprise surprise, you didn’t mean a damn word of what you said. The physical abuse continued along with the verbal and emotional abuse. You beat me down with your cruel words and used your hands to finish the job. Then after it was all over you would want to make up. I would tell you no over and over again but all you could do was tell me that my Nos would turn into Yeses. I had to lay there and take it. I was too afraid to argue with you. Even when the sex got painful and anything but pleasurable, I would let you have me for the pain of the sex wasn’t nearly as agonizing as the pain you would put me through if I didn’t let you have it.

Things continued this way up until the day you left. The lying, the cheating, the betrayal, and the abuse. As much as I wanted you gone, I couldn’t imagine myself having a functioning life without you. You were all I had ever known since I was 15. My first kiss, my first date, my first love, my first heartbreak, my first EVERYTHING. You were like this drug that I couldn’t get enough of even though it was killing me inside. I was addicted to you, and it scared the mess out of me. A few nights before you left we had been talking about trying to have more children together and were actively trying. I thought that maybe having another child would help us in our rough spot, that maybe you would somehow magically change into this person that I continued to think existed in you. Then things started to feel uneasy with you. I knew you were hiding something from me. That’s when I checked your phone while you were sleeping and saw that you were saving pictures of your best friends wife on your phone. There are no word that could describe the amount of pain that I felt seeing that. I messaged her from your phone and told her that you had to choose between me or her. Instead of waking you up and fighting with you, I told myself that I would just talk to you about it tomorrow after you got home from work. Except tomorrow never came. 

You kissed me goodbye, told me that you loved me, then headed off to work and I never saw you again. I went into a full panic attack because I had no idea what could have happened to you. I called EVERYONE. Yes, even your best friends wife. No one knew where you were at. I cried so hard and contemplated on calling the police and filing a missing person report. I called your work to ask if you said anything to them before you left, and they told me that you said you were going to Louisiana. That’s when it hit me. The worst pain I had ever felt in my life.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think you would choose her. I shut down completely. I didn’t even know who I was without you. It was like my life had no purpose if you weren’t there. We did talk eventually, about a week later because I needed the car back. It was in my Dads name and he was threatening to sue you, but you were reluctant to come back. I talked you into letting me come back with you to Louisiana. I was so determined to work things out with you. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I wanted my family to be together. When you made it to my house, SHE was with you. It hurt me so bad to see you and her together. She insisted though that nothing was going on between you cause she was happily married, and I chose to believe her even though I knew in the back of my head that she was bold face lying to me. Though it wasn’t the first time you had ever cheated on me, so I figured we could work through it like we did the first time.

Unfortunately, there was no room in the car for me to ride back with you. You told me to take a bus and that you would pick me up from the bus station. I didn’t trust you one bit. I knew that if I did that, that there would be a huge chance that you would have just left me stranded at the bus station. So the unthinkable happened. Miranda offered to ride the bus there with me so that way I wouldn’t have to worry. You didn’t like the idea at all but went along with it anyways. So that night I rode the bus with your best friends wife. She had promised me that nothing had happened between the two of you since you had been there. I again, stupidly believed her because I wanted nothing more than to have you back home and I didn’t want to believe that you would really hurt me that bad. We made it to her place late that night. You didn’t want me in the same room as you, but I begged you to just let me sleep on the mattress on the floor. You finally agreed. It all felt so awkward and wrong. I laid there crying and thinking to myself “what the hell am I doing here?”. But the answer was the same thing every time. “I am trying to fix my failing marriage.”. So I did the only thing I knew. The only thing that you made me believe. I thought that if we had sex that you would forgive me. That’s how it had always worked before. What should be different now? Little did I know that everything was going to be different. It was all cold with absolutely no passion. It literally felt like I was just a used up dirty napkin. When you were done with me, I balled up on the floor and cried. All I was to you was a cum towel and it showed clear as day on your face. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to go home, but I had no choice but to wait one more day. 

So I decided to get drunk, which ended up being the worst decision I could have possibly made. I thought that maybe I could get so drunk and just black out and forget about everything that had happened. I just wanted to go home. Home seemed so far away at this point. What was “home” anyways? You were gone, I was without a husband and Keegan without a father. I had failed. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother, and at this point, I just wanted it all to end. I couldn’t even think about the life that I was about to have, and I didn’t want to. So that’s when I tried to hang myself. I was so numb on the inside that death didn’t even scare me. Death felt like peace. The thought of going into nothingness and just disappearing was so comforting. No more hurting, no more fighting, NO MORE PAIN. Pain that you had caused me for 5 years that steadily got worse over time. Miranda found me with the cord around my neck. I remember the petrified look on her face when she screamed for you to come into the bathroom. You walked in and looked at me with annoyance. Like I was some pesky problem child that you were tired of dealing with. You took me to the bedroom and told me to go to bed. The walls were spinning and I was crying my eyes out. I wanted nothing more than for this nightmare to end. I just wanted to go home. 

You and Miranda took me to the bus station the next day. You waited with me for hours until you couldn’t wait with me any longer. I begged you to stay with me until the bus came but you refused. I got out of the car and began to cry. You got out of the car moments later and asked me why I was crying. As if that was even a legitimate question to even ask me. I asked you for one final request before we parted ways. I wanted you to hold me for a moment, give me a kiss on the forehead, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because even in this moment, it was you that I wanted for comfort. That maybe if I heard those words come out of your mouth that I would actually believe it. That maybe for one more second of my life, I would feel whole. A little wave of sadness came over your face when I asked you this. I expected you to tell me no but you did the opposite. You held me tight and I breathed you in. The familiar comfort I had found for the last 5 years of my life. You kissed me on the forehead for what felt like an eternity, and you told me that everything was going to be okay. Then you were gone. I was all alone at this bus stop in Louisiana with only but the faint tingle of your kiss that lingered on my forehead. I rode the bus home silently that night. No more tears really left to cry. Just an empty numbness. 

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Still hurting. Just living one day at a time even though all I craved was the dark empty peace of death. Depression had set in so bad. There were times where I wouldn’t eat for days, and all I did was stare at the ceiling and question God “why me?”. I would lay awake at night afraid to go to bed because I wasn’t sure if when I woke up that someone important to me would be gone with the wind. I was always afraid of tomorrow. Never knowing if someone was just going to abandon me and leave me with the numbness. Fast Forward 2 years later and I AM STILL AFRAID OF TOMORROW. Insomnia haunts me every night no matter how tired I am. The trauma you caused me still lingers, and I don’t know if it will ever truly go away.

When I felt like I was finally starting to feel better, I got hit in the face with the news that you two were expecting. Only 4 months after you left me and now you are having a family with your best friends wife. It felt like my heart had fallen into my stomach. I wanted nothing more than for you to be a part of Keegan's life, yet he hasn’t seen you since the day you left. How dare you go off and start and new family when you can’t even acknowledge your first one? My heart breaks for our son that you abandoned. I hope that one day he is able to find it in his heart to forgive you. Something that I have yet to do. It seems that no matter how much I want to forgive you or how hard I try too that I just can’t. I still feel pain to this day. Although today’s pain is significantly different. For I don’t cry because of what you did to me, I cry for what you continue to do to our precious boy, MY precious boy. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting Keegan is another. I refuse to let you break him the way you broke me. Fill his head and heart with empty words and promises that you will never keep. Our son has life because even though I wanted to die, I continued on for him. In the end, even though I was fighting to protect him, he wound up saving me. He helped me learn how to be strong, and how to be a good mother. So for that Brandon, I have to say thank you. 

Thank you so much for helping me create that little human. Thank you for breaking me down so bad because now I know what true love really is, and what it isn’t.  In those 5 years of life that we walked the same path, I gained much more than I thought I ever would. You taught me a lot about myself and gave me strength and courage. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you and so for that, I am eternally grateful. I know now that we were never meant to be together forever. God gave me you so Keegan could be born and save me from the emptiness and pain you left me with

You know, I never thought I would look through that old notebook again. I found myself reading my letters to you that you never read, bawling my eyes out because all I ever did was love you. In retrospect, I guess maybe I loved you too much. I was so addicted to you that I was willing to give up anything and everything to be with you. It’s that very reason that I am afraid to get close to anyone today. I’ve been sober for so long that I don’t want to ever go back to that dark place. I’m terrified of myself for falling too deep and terrified of others abandoning me once I’ve fallen. I don’t know if will ever get fixed from this broken state I’m still in, but I guess time will only tell. Thanks for nothing and everything Brandon. You have truly been one of the best that ever happened in my life, and I wish you the best. 

Your Ex – Wife

Elizabeth 


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