The Adventures of Trebu and Chet

The Adventures of Trebu and Chet

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Genre: Romance

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Chapter1 (v.1) - The Adventures of Trebu and Chet

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: April 07, 2017

Reads: 8632

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Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: April 07, 2017

A A A

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The Adventures of Trebu and Chet

Written by digitalorange

Trebu woke up in the battlefield, debris flying above his head. Smoke filled the air, making it hard to throw a 90kg projective over 300m. He thought to himself, I will never make it out alive. This is the end. Trebu started rolling backwards, trying to get out of the hell he was in, but it was impossible. There was no end in sight. After unrelenting minutes of horror, he finally reached the end of the smokey hell. After rolling into the forest behind him, he saw her. Chet was coughing and wheeling out of the smoke slowly, almost dead. Her parts were broken and she looked like she would fall apart on the spot. Trebu raced over as fast as a trebuchet can move and helped her into the forest.

“Thank you, kind trebuchet” wheezed Chet

“We need to keep moving” Trebu whispered

They backed up into the forest and cowered under a canopy of trees. Trebu looked back at the battlefield, and that’s when he saw them. An army of hundreds of catapults raced over the hill, some being blown up by the trebuchets but they vastly outnumbered them.

“RUN” yelled Chet

The duo raced through the trees, wheeling along as fast as they could. Behind them, the catapults smashed into trees, falling apart into tiny bits. Thirty minutes later, Trebu and Chet felt they had gotten far enough to be able to rest.

“We should stop here” Trebu said

“Okay, let's hide under a canopy of trees” Chet whispered back

Trebu and Chet gathered sticks and leaves to form the new home. After countless dangerous ventures into the catapult ridden forest, they had gathered enough to form a basic house. That’s when they realized they couldn’t put the house together, because they don’t have arms.

“What are we going to do now” asked Chet

Before Trebu could respond, a blinding light came from deep in the forest.

“I’m going to check that out, stay here” said Trebu

“Never, I will always be with you” she whispered back, but he was already gone

Deep in the forest, Trebu found the source of the light. A plasma like ball was floating in the middle of a circle of trees.

“Haha, you will never be able to stop me, once I go through this portal” said a voice that sounded like it was coming from the other side of the circle

“Who’s there” asked Trebu

“The one catapult you will never see again” the voice said

In a blinding flash of light, the catapult was gone and so was the portal

Trebu raced back through the forest, not completely sure of what he had just witnessed. In a state of pure shock, he slammed right into a tree, and the next thing he saw was black.

 

Hours later, Trebu woke up to Chet staring at him.

“What happened” she yelled at him

“Hey, I just woke up, give me a minute”

“Okay, I’m sorry” she said

Trebu rolled over to the other side of the small campfire she made.

“How did you make this” he asked

“Some lightning struck the ground here and it caught on fire”

“That wasn’t lightning” Trebu wheezed, still half out of it

“What do you mean” she asked

Trebu told Chet the story of how he had come across the ball in the circle.

“What… impossible” Chet exclaimed “That is a fairytale told to trebuchets when they are young”

“I saw it, I swear”

“Okay… anyway, I never even got your name”

“I’m Trebu”

“Hey, I’m Chet. Where are you from”

“I don’t know. My builders left me when I was very young. I traveled throughout the land for many years until I came across the catapultian empire, who took me hostage for 3 years. I escaped after trebuchets raided the catapultian jail complex. Since then, I have been training and fighting with my brothers”

“Wow, that’s a lot more interesting than my story. I was made in a village over in Trebutown. For many years, my builders taught me how to fight in battle, and 15 years later, I’m here. This was my first actual battle, and it didn’t turn out like I expected. We are superior to catapults, what happened?”

“Well, the big reason was that they outnumbered us 20 to 1. Catapults may be shitty, but with enough, they can take down a trebuchet. Our mission was to destroy the catapult factory so the production rate would drop by exactly sixty five point one three eight percent.”

“Wow, that’s insane. Shouldn’t we go check for survivors?”

“No, they would have picked off everyone by now.” Trebu said, almost crying

“They were my brothers. I knew them for so many years. I can’t believe they are gone now” he said

“I’m here now” Chet said, but Trebu was already rolling away towards the stream a few meters away.

 

On the other side of the portal, the evil catapult mastermind rolled up onto the Hollywood Hills, and looked over the city.

“Wow, I haven’t time traveled in a long time” he told his bodyguard catapults

“Yea boss, it was pretty rough”

“Shut up I never said you could speak”

“Sorr-”

“SHUT UP FUCKER”

The three catapults gazed over the city, watching as cars and people passed by. It was early morning in LA, and people were just getting ready for work. Something caught the evil masterminds eye. To his right, a giant wall was being built.

“Last time I was here, there was no wall, what changed?” he asked

“Well, after donald trump became president, the wall was built around the entire country so nobody could get in.”

“Damn, that ruins my plan to escape LA on a boat!”

The catapults rolled down the hill, just as the sun rose over the top of the LA skyscrapers.

 

Trebu and Chet raced through the woods. They had seen it again, another portal to the future.

“I have a plan” said Trebu

“Hmm” shouted Chet as they raced along

“We should jump into the portal”

“No fucking shit”

They skidded to a stop as they came to the edge of the portal.

“This could be the last time we see each other, so I want to say, I love you” she said, but Trebu had already jumped into the portal

“EVERY FUCKING TIME”

 

Inside the portal, time twisted and warped, images and thoughts bending and stretching. Trebu saw no sign that Chet was nearby. He thought that they must be going to different time periods, and they will never see each other again, but then everything compressed and Trebu landed on a hill, right next to Chet.

“Oh, hi!” she said “I never thought I would see you again, I couldn’t find you in the time warp”

“Yea, same. Where are we?”

“I have no clue. Everything looks so different. Why do roads look so flat now, I don’t even see any rocks!”

The duo rolled down the cliff and onto the road, following it into what they would call The giant metallic structure area, better known as LA.

Honk.Trebu turned around to see a line of many moving metallic objects slowly inching along at the same speed they were.

“What are those” Chet asked

“Haha, good meme” Trebu replied

The two continued their journey down the mountain, gazing at the sun as it rose above the giant metallic structures.

“This… this is amazing” she said in awe.

“I have never seen anything so huge” Trebu said “We should try to get to them and see what they are”

“That’s what she said”

“Shut the fuck up please”

“Sorry”

Trebu and Chet slowly rolled down the hill, cars honking behind them, until one car had enough and pushed them off the cliffside.

“What are we going to do!!!” yelled Chet ass they raced down the hillside”

“Hold on, I have an idea” he yelled back

Trebu started turning in front of Chet, and the two of them locked wheels. The force was enough to slow them down, because physics.

“Launch me” she whispered”

“Yes please” he said

The love moment was interrupted by the sound of screeching sirens and flashing lights. The LAPD were on the scene.

“You know it’s illegal to drive off of mountains, right”

“We… we were pushed off dude”

Trebu was panicking, he didn’t like flashing lights.

“Save it for the court”

Trebu and Chet were chained up and blindfolded, and dragged onto the back of a flatbed truck. After hours on the road, they finally stopped and were taken into a big building, made just for trebuchets.

“What… what is this?” Chet exclaimed

“Haha, this isn’t a jail, this is a trebuchet deconstructor, made just for you!” said the evil catapult

“No, it can’t be. You are the same person from the portal earlier today!” Trebu yelled

“Well, technically it wouldn’t be today” said one of the bodyguards

“I told you, don’t speak unless I say. YOU HAVE ONE WARNING LEFT BUCKAROO” the mastermind said.

“Why do you want to strip us for parts?” Chet asked “We could just be on our way, not a-”

“I never said you could speak either, SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, I HATE TALKING”

“Okay, now that I have you both here, I would like to ask you, what would you like to say before you are taken apart and used to build catapults?”

“Well, I was wonder-”

“Okay that is enough, time to take you apart!” the mastermind yelled

The bodyguard catapults came over and forced Trebu onto the conveyor belt.

“Time to die, filthy trebuchet”

Right before Trebu entered the pit of doom, the belt shuttered to a stop. He turned around, just in time to see Chet doing some sick ass karate moves and shattering all of the catapults. The LAPD officers were running for their lives, and the mastermind just sat there, wondering what the hell was going on. Trebu wriggled the chains off and turned towards the mastermind.

“Time to die, BUCKAROO”

“Launch me” he yelled

The 90kg projectile flew up and over the room, landing 300m away right on top of the mastermind who was racing away. A loud crunch occurred, and the mastermind’s spoon broke apart, rendering him useless.

“Run loser, run while you still can. Don’t ever mess with us or trebuchets ever again” Chet yelled

“Hahahahahahahaha” the mastermind yelled back, and vanished

 

That was the last time they would see a catapult for a very long time. The duo started their journey across the United States, searching not just for the mastermind, but for a way home. They crossed mountains and rivers, met other old trebuchets along the way, and even got a mechanic to repair the damage that the mastermind had caused, but it was not enough. It was never enough. The mental scarring from the places Trebu had been could never be fixed. He would never be the same person again, but at least he had Chet.

 

Two months later, Trebu and Chet arrived at what the mechanic had said was a Cluckin Bell. Cars streamed in and out of either side of the building, and people sat inside, eating breakfast. They entered the line, wondering what kind of food they would be eating today, for they had never seen a Cluckin Bell before.

“What would yall trebuchets like to eat today” asked the lady at the window

“I’ll have two number 9s, a number nine large, a number 6 with extra dip, number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.”

“Damn you fat trebuchet… comin right up” the lady said

They got their food and headed out of the lot back onto the main highway. Trebu and Chet had gotten closer over the two month long journey, and had decided to get married the following month.

 

“Hey Trebu?” Chet asked

“Yea, what’s up?”

“Is that what I think it is?”

Trebu whips around, confirming his fears. The mastermind was back, and it wasn’t just him this time. It was an army.

“RUN” Chet screamed

They took off, wheels sparking as they zoomed down the road.

“LAUNCH ME DADDY”

Trebu and Chet aimed and the army and fired, destroying multiple catapults each time, but it was useless. Thousands and thousands of catapults were coming at them from every direction, except one. They took their chances, and raced down 31st street. It was the worst mistake of their lives. A giant mech catapult was stomping on cars as it launched towards them.

“The only way out is to take him down” said Chet

“This is nearly impossible, how do we do that?” said Trebu

“Here, lemme tie a string to the 90kg projectile, we can launch it around his legs so he topples over”

“That’s a great idea! Hurry, the mech is getting closer. We need to take it down”

They worked quickly, tying the rope onto the back of the projectile.

“Okay, it’s all set Trebu. Get ready to launch”

“3...2...1... Launch me” he whispered

The 90kg projectile went flying up and up, going over 300m in a matter of seconds. It connected with the leg of the mech and started to curve, tying the legs together. The mech started to tip, and with a roar, toppled over. What happened next was something they shouldn’t have survived. A nuclear blast crumbled buildings around them as they raced down 31st street. Cars were smashing into each other, and people were running for their lives. After the resulting dust cloud passed over them, half the city was gone.

“What… what have we done?”

“We must fix this” said Trebu “We need to find a time portal”  

 

On the other side of the city, the mastermind and his army laughed in unison.

“They should have known I would be coming back. Catapults can’t be stopped” he told his army

“Sir, do you think they are dead?”

“Well, that nuclear blast took out half the city” he yelled “There is a one point three five percent chance they made it out alive. So yes, I think they are!”

“I don’t know boss…”

“Well, only my opinion matters, so shut up”

“Okay, sorry boss”

“GET MOVING CATAPULTS. WE HAVE A CITY TO TAKEOVER” the mastermind yelled

 

300 meters away, Trebu and Chet lined up their shots. They had one chance to hit the mastermind, and that chance was now.

“Get ready, Trebu”

“I am. Launch me!”

The 90kg projectiles launched once again, flying high into the sky with a perfect arc that no catapult could ever do.

“Boss, look up” one of the catapults said

The mastermind looked up, knowing his time had come to an end.

“Goodbye” he said

And then it hit him, straight in the center. His parts shattered and debris flew hundreds of meters into the air.

“BOSS!” yelled the army

They knew it was useless, their boss was gone. The catapults started a terrifying battle cry, but it changed nothing. They had nobody to lead. Without someone to control them, catapults are fucking shit. They slowly broke off into packs, hunting each other and starting the Year of Catapult Anarchy. Trebu and Chet left, knowing their job was not complete, but the mastermind was in pieces.

“We did it, Trebu. We did it”

“I know, but nothing has been fixed yet. We still need to find a way back in time to fix this” Trebu said

“I think I may know someone” a voice said behind them

Trebu and Chet whipped around, to see the mechanic walking up to them.

“Nice to see you again, mechanic. Why are you here?”

“I saw you guys on the news” Bob the mechanic said “I had to come and help you guys out, but it seems like you have already taken out the mastermind”

“Yea we have, but it’s not over. The catapults broke off into packs and are now roaming the city” Chet said

“So, who do you think can help us, Bob?”

“Follow me”

 

Trebu and Chet followed Bob across the wreckage of what once was a city, until they came across a nuclear bunker.

“He is in that” Bob said

“Well, it doesn't look like we can fit, Bob”

“Alright, wait here. I’ll get him to come up.”

As Bob disappeared into the shelter, Trebu and Chet waited in the now dark city. Clatter of catapult fire sounded in the distance, and the battle cries echoed across the city. Almost no living creatures still roamed the city, but the ones that did didn’t last long. Minutes later, Bob came back up with his friend, Joe. Joe was a historian that worked with trebuchets, and despised catapults.

“Hey Trebu, this is my friend Joe” said Bob

“Hey Joe"

“Hello! You must be Trebuchet 451.”

“What do you mean, 451?” asked Trebu

“Well, Trebuchet 451 and 532 disappeared without a trace over a thousand years ago. You two are the only trebuchets that they could be.”

“Ah, I see” said Chet “We need to get back in time to stop the destruction of the city, can you help us?”

“Yes, I can. The rift only appears in one location on the earth, in the middle of Scotland. I can get you on a ship there, but you will have to find it yourself” Joe said

“Why can’t you just tell us where it is?”

“That would make your journey boring”

“Okay” said Chet “Thanks for the help asshat”

“Hey hey, calm down” said Joe “and get moving”

Trebu and Chet wheeling along, following Joe to the coast where he would send them on a ship to scotland. Every building they passed was a mess, either collapsed or looted. Debris filled every street, making it hard to get to the dock. After hours of clearing rubble and carefully moving down each street, they made it out of the city. Before they completely left what had just happened behind, Chet looked back one last time at the city in ruins.

 

Trebu and Chet were put in the bottom cargo section of a freight ship heading to Scotland. The air was musty and the cargo hold was filled with boxes of a substance called beer. They had no idea what it was, but after one hour, they already hated the smell.

“It’s kind of hard to move in here” said Chet “How long do you think we will have to wait?”

“I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure Scotland is only a few miles away from New York”

He was very wrong. Many days passed without any sight of land through the tiny porthole window in the cargo bay. They would chat a lot, but after a while, there was nothing else to say, because even trebuchets don’t have the mental capacity of humans. They are, however, a thousand times smarter than catapults. Eventually, everything has to come to an end, and so did the the boat ride. After four weeks, they finally saw land.

“It’s beautiful” he said

“Yea, it looks almost like the place where we came from” Chet said

“I’m pretty sure it is”

The back door opened, flooding light into the bay. Humans in weird clothes started unpacking the boxes, until only Trebu and Chet were left in the bay. They slowly started moving, their wheels cramped up from waiting in the cargo bay for weeks.

“Look at those amazing hills, I use to play up on those when I was a small trebuchet” Chet said

“How close are they to where we fought the battle?”

“I’d say they are maybe seven or eight hours, if we move fast”

“We better start moving then”

Trebu and Chet climbed the hills as fast as they could, racing through the damp grass and spraying water up behind them. At the top of the highest hill, they stopped to look at the amazing view.

“Holy shit this is amazing” said Trebu “I’ve never been up so high in my life”

“Yea, this was always my favorite hill.” Chet said “You could launch a 90 kg projectile 30,000 meters in less than a minute”

“That’s insane!”

They took off again, riding up and down the hills, throwing projectiles as they went. Eight hours later they arrived at the battlefield, only to find everything had disappeared.

“Where did everything go” asked Chet

“That is a really dumb question”

“What… oh”

Trebu and Chet headed into the forest where they first ran away from the catapults.

“I remember this” said Trebu

“Yea, me too”

They followed the same path they took into the woods the first time and came across the same circle they saw the first time.

“Woah, this hasn’t changed at all” said Chet

“Yea, that’s strange considering how many people live in Scotland”

“How many people do live in scotland Trebu?”

“I don’t know I was just saying that”

Before Chet could reply, the blinding light appeared again and the portal opened up.

“What… how was it that simple?” asked Chet “I feel like it should have taken longer”

Trebu rolled in first, followed shortly by Chet. The same thing happened, warping images of time and thoughts, stretching until they all compressed and Trebu and Chet fell out of the sky, landing right back on the same hill as before. Honk.

“Oh shit, not the cars again”

“Cars 3 is coming out soon” said Chet

“Or did it already, because we are in a time loop”

“What”

Trebu and Chet continued down the road, and pulled off to the side at the nearest flat ground, letting the cars pass.

“Let’s not let the cars hit us off again” said Chet

“Yea, that would be a good idea”

Trebu and Chet got back onto the road after all of the cars had passed by, and continued down the hill.

“How are we going to stop the mastermind before he gets his army?” asked Chet

“Well , we already know his plans to strip us of parts later, so we have to surprise him and knock him into the pit instead”

“I guess that could work. Let’s give it a projectile”

They snuck up on his facility in the dead of night, ready to launch their 90 kg projectiles. The looming warehouse grew bigger and bigger as they creeped toward it, making them think it was a bad idea to come back. That’s when they heard his shouting.

“YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO CAPTURE HIM ON THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAINSIDE, WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Well uh sir, they didn’t fall off”

“YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKS, YOU SHOULD HAVE PUSHED THEM OFF”

Trebu and Chet wheeled along the side of the warehouse, making sure to make as little noise as possible.

Bang.

“Oh fuck, I hit the wall” said Trebu

In the distance they heard the mastermind go tell the workers to check out the noise.

“Quick Trebu, we have to move”

They snuck around to the back of the warehouse, where a garage door was sitting open. Slowly, they squeezed through the opening into what they thought might be their last battle.

 

Trebu and Chet wheeled through all of the boxes of manufactured catapult parts, until they found something that stopped them in their tracks. Rows upon rows of catapult building machines were hard at work building three hundred catapults an hour.

“Holy shit, I have never seen this many catapults in one room” said Trebu

“Yea, we need to get rid of this place” said Chet

“STOP RIGHT THERE” the mastermind yelled “YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD SNEAK UP ON ME? JOKES ON YOU, I AM SMARTER THAN YOU”

“Actually, it’s a proven fact that trebuchets are over a thousand times smarter than catapults” said Trebu

“UH, NO. LOOK WHAT POSITION YOU ARE IN NOW” he yelled “TIME TO DIE BUCKAROO”

Catapults surrounded them from every direction, locking them in. Chet thought this was the end, so she asked the mastermind for one last thing.

“Mastermind, can you let us go do the sexes before you kill us”

“Uh, well, fine.”

The catapults parted to let them through, and they both headed to the back of the building.

“What a fucking idiot!” she said

“Uh do you actually want to do the sexes”

“Not here, if we make it through we can have as much trebuchet love as we want. For now, we need to take him down”

Trebu and Chet moved along the boxes, making sure that none of the catapult guards saw them. Even the slightest sound might alert them to their location, which was not in the back of the warehouse fucking.

“Over there, look. He has his back turned” said Chet

“Launch me” said Trebu

Trebu and Chet got ready to launch, making sure the 90 kg projectiles were in the correct place.

“Three, Two, One LAUNCH” they said in unison

The mastermind turned around when he heard the noise, but it was too late, and he knew it.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO-”

What followed was the splintering sound of wood and metal crushing as the 90 kg projectiles plowed through him and his army. Hundreds and hundreds of catapults broke apart as they couldn’t move away in time. The projectiles were unstoppable.

“It worked, it actually worked!” yelled Chet

“Let’s get out of here, this place is going to blow”

“How do you know that?”

“That’s what always happens in books and movies like this”

They wheeled out of there as fast as they could, and sure enough the building exploded right after they got out of the blast zone.

“Well, I guess you were right”

“Duh, trebuchets are smarter than catapults”

 

Trebu and Chet knew that they needed to see Bob, so they started their journey across the United States once again. Three weeks later, they met Bob and told him everything.

“...and that’s why we came to you”

“Hmm, well it seems like you are in quite a predicament. I don’t know anyone by the name of Joe.”

“What do you mean, we met him and he helped us get home!” Trebu yelled

“I’m sorry, but I really don’t know him.”

“This isn’t possible, what did we do that could have possibly changed time” asked Trebu

“Well, we kinda killed the mastermind, but that wouldn’t change this unless… oh god”

“Yea, you caught me” said Bob “Now don’t move or I blow up the 24 pounds of plastic explosive under this building.”

“Dammit Bob, but we were friends”

“You don’t have any friends” said Bob

“He has me” said Chet

“Cute. Now shut the fuck up.”

 

Bob led them into a back room with the same equipment as the factory they destroyed a few weeks ago.

“This will be the demise of you and all your trebuchet friends” said Bob “Look down there, that is where you will be in the next few minutes.”

“Cmon Bob, you don’t have to do this” said Chet

“I will be standing 300 meters away so you can’t hit me” said Bob

What Bob didn’t know is that trebuchets can launch 90 kg projectiles 300 meters.

“Dammit dude, why do you have to be out of my range” Trebu asked

“You are going down, and nobody can save you. Goodbye Trebu and Chet.”

They were pushed onto a platform above the pit they would fall into in the next few minutes. 300 meters away, Bob was manning the mechanism that would drop them into the pit.

“Hahaha, nobody can save you, nobody can save you” Bob sang

“Launch me” Trebu whispered

Bob saw them loading, but he didn’t mind because he knew that 90 kg projectiles can’t travel 300 meters. He was wrong. The first projectile smashed the work station, and the second pinned Bob against the wall.

“Not so smart now, huh Bob?” asked Chet

“How… what… impossible!”

Bob struggled but it was no use. This was the end of Bob.

“I’m sorry Bob, but it’s the only way.” Chet said

“No, you can’t… please. Stop this! Don’t walk away, no!”

“I’m sorry”

Trebu and Chet wheeled out of the building, and just as they exited it blew up just like the last one.

“That… that was insane. Bob is such an idiot” Trebu said

“We should get moving, I don’t want to get broken apart by a catapult tonight”

The duo started their two week journey to New York, traveling through desert, rain, sleet, ice, snow, lakes, rivers, forest fires, cities, and more until they finally reached their destination.

“It looks a lot better built than it does in pieces” said Chet

“That’s for sure” said Trebu “What street did we meet Joe on?”

“Pretty sure it was 31st. Let’s go check it out”

Trebu and Chet headed towards 31st, with many people staring at them as they passed. Apparently trebuchets are not common in NYC.

“There he is!”

Joe started running, pushing people out of the way as he ran down the street.

“We can’t let him escape. Let’s move!” said Trebu

They raced down the street as fast as trebuchets can move, which is pretty slow, but they knew they couldn’t catch up with Joe.

“Let him go, we are going to have to get him another time” said Trebu

“We can’t he is going to go into hiding and we will never find him again!”

“It’s our only choice, we can’t catch up to him.”

They broke off and headed down a side street, where they stopped to rest.

“This has been a long day, Trebu”

“Yea it has. Let’s stop here for the night and rest. We both need it”

 

Twelve hours later, Trebu and Chet wheeled out of the side street, back on the chase. Busy morning New York City traffic filled the streets, making it hard for them to get anywhere.

Honk. Beep. Honk. Honk.

“Will you move along already”

“Oh come on I need to get to work!”

A few hours later, they had finally made it out of the city and onto the highway. They were heading to the one person they knew who could help them, GabeN. Trebu had met GabeN on his first trip across the country, months ago now. GabeN knew how to launch a trebuchet better than anyone in the country. If there was someone to find Joe, it was GabeN. GabeN lives and works in Bellevue, Washington, so Trebu and Chet knew it would be a long journey. Once again, the crossed hills, mountains, lakes, rivers, deserts, snow, hail, sleet, ice, and more. A month and a half later, Trebu and Chet arrived at the doorstep on Valve HQ, and asked to see GabeN. Before the doorman could respond, GabeN appeared with a poof, like he was magical.

“Hello, Trebu!” GabeN said “I haven’t seen you in such a long time. Why are you stopping by just now?”

“Hey GabeN, we need your help. We are trying to track down a man who goes by the name of Joe”

“Well, there are only two people in the world named Joe, so that should be easy. Come into my office”

“I don’t think we can fit” said Chet

“Oh yea, that’s right. Hold on, i’ll be right back with the location of Joe.

Two seconds later, GabeN appeared with another poof, and the location of Joe.

“He is currently located on 32nd street, NYC” GabeN said

“Are you KIDDING ME?” Trebu yelled “WE WERE ONE STREET OVER THE WHOLE TIME”

“Don’t worry guys, I have a plan” said GabeN “Launch yourselves back to NYC with this giant trebuchet I have out back”

“Dude, that’s sick! Chet, let’s go!”

Trebu and Chet climbed up the ramp into the giant trebuchet that would launch them back to NYC.

“Thanks GabeN. I don’t think we could have made it home without you” said Trebu

“Come back to me anytime, but for now goodbye, Trebu and Chet.

“Launch me”

They flew high up into the sky, going over 300 meters a second. The rush of the wind was so strong, Trebu’s words got drowned out as he tried to speak.

“Fnuewskpoflewfl”

“Yubifnkeflpl”

As they started falling back down in the atmosphere, Trebu and Chet got ready for the landing impact.

“Oh god, this is going to be a hard one”

Luckily, GabeN’s men in NYC rolled out bouncy cushions for Trebu and Chet to land on, and they did.

“Thank you, I think we would have broken up without you” said Chet

“No problem, we will do anything for GabeN’s friends.”

Trebu and Chet got off the bouncy mat and back onto the road, which happened to be 31st street.

“Wow, that was a surprisingly accurate trebuchet”

“All trebuchets are accurate, well a lot more accurate than a catapult anyway.” said Trebu

“Let’s get moving. We need to catch Joe while we can”

They moved onto 32nd street, and continued west. Joe was hiding in a building about 300 meters down the road.

“I think GabeN said he was hiding in the second floor of that Cafe over there” said Chet

“Yea. We need to launch some 90 kg projectiles through the windows.” said Trebu “I think it’s less than 300 meters, so we will be fine”

“Launch me”

The projectiles slammed into the glass windows, shattering them. Trebu and Chet now had a good angle to get Joe.

“Joe, come out now or we will launch more 90 kg projectiles at you” said Chet

“No, you can’t make me! I will never be beaten by fucking trebuchets!”

“Joe, I don’t want to do this man… please”

“No!”

“I’m sorry then, Joe”

The projectiles slammed into joe, sending him flying backwards and making a huge hole in the side of the cafe. When Trebu and Chet went to go check it out, Joe was pinned against the wall, unable to move.

“How! Trebuchets are weaker than catapults, you shouldn’t have been able to make it!”

“Wrong.”

“Okay Chet, let’s get out of here”

Trebu and Chet headed back onto the highway, knowing that their work in NYC was done. They traveled towards the dock, knowing they needed to get back to Scotland.

“It’s time for another shitty journey across the ocean” Trebu said

“Whatever, at least we still have some 90 kg projectiles left. We used a ton”

They boarded the ship heading to Scotland, and settled down for the long ride.

“I use to think that Scotland was only a few miles away, but I guess I was wrong” said Trebu

“Ah, it’s okay. We will be there soon enough.”

They waited in the beer filled cargo bay for many weeks, until arriving on the third of July in Scotland.

“It feels good to be home, I missed this place” said Chet

“Yea, but we are not home yet, we still have to go back” said Trebu

They rolled out of the cargo bay onto the platform where they said their goodbyes to the ship crew.

“Beer really does stink” said Trebu “I almost fell apart”

Chet started the journey, rolling up the hills they had traveled in recent months. The journey would be a long one, for they were feeling quite weak.

“Should we take the same path? I feel like catapults may be waiting for us right over the hillside” said Chet

“Nah, we will be fine” said Trebu “Plus, we are better than them”

The first two hills went by quickly, the sun high in the sky and still plenty of time to get home before dark. The third hill however, was where it all changed.

“Hmm, something seems off” said Trebu

“Yea, I noticed that, but I can’t seem to put a projectile on it”

They slowly made their way around the side of the mountain to avoid being ambushed. When they reached the other side, they saw an army of catapults waiting for them up on the hill.

“Haha, let’s sneak by them before they see us” said Trebu

Trebu inched along, being careful not to make a sound

CRUNCH.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING” said Chet

The catapults turned just in time to see Trebu and Chet roll behind a line of trees

“AFTER THEM” shouted one of the catapults

Chet and Trebu weaved left and right, avoiding trees and they rolled through the forest.

“We have to keep moving, don’t hit a tree Chet” said Trebu

“I’m doing my best right now”

The catapults were catching up, but Trebu had a plan.

“Launch me” said Trebu

“While we are moving?”

“Just do it!”

The projectiles bounced off of trees, and with the path Trebu had predicted, smashed through eight catapults before stopping.

“Sweet, only six mo-”

SMASH.

“TREBU” shouted Chet

A wall had appeared in front of them, and Trebu had rammed straight into it. Two of his wheels were missing, and he looked like he could barely launch.

“KEEP GOING CHET, I WILL BE FINE” Trebu yelled

“NO, I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU”

“GO!”

Chet turned and wheeled into the forest as fast as she could. As she continued on, she started to cry. She couldn’t think of losing Trebu, and now she had left him to die.

 

Trebu couldn’t see. Smoke was filling his vision, and catapults were advancing on him from all sides. This is my time to die, he thought. This is the end.

Chet continued her frantic wheeling through the woods, tears streaming behind her. He is gone, she thought. He is really gone. Chet made it to the circle, and looked back to check if any catapults were following. None were, so she tried to summon the portal.

“Dammit, APPEAR”

“OPEN”

“TREBU-CHET”

“FUCKING OPEN YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT”

A blinding light appeared, and the portal opened. Chet raced in, not knowing where she would be ending up next. She knew one thing for sure, however. Trebu would not be with her.

 

Images compressed and stretched all around her, the same thing that had happened the past times she had jumped in. One image caught her eye, a picture of Trebu locked up in a holding cell somewhere deep in the catapult empire. Seconds later, the image flew past her, and she landed in a grassy field, not knowing where she was. Chet continued through the field, heading west. She knew she would not stop until she found a village.

 

Chet traveled alone for many days, lost in her own sorrow, thinking that she could have saved Trebu. Thinking that she could have warned him earlier. Deep in thought, she didn't even realize she had arrived in a town until she banged into the side of a house.

“What the hell are you doing ‘ere mate?”

A short dwarf like man had walked up to Chet, with a curious look in his eyes.

“I’m lost, and I need to know where I am.” said Chet

“Ah, follow me, i’ll show you a map” the man said

Chet followed the man down the road, getting odd stares from the people in the straw houses.

“Don’t mind them, they have never seen a Trebuchet before”

“What do you mean” asked Chet “They are very common, I thought?”

“Well, this land was ruled by catapults for five hundred years, until we finally drove them out last winter. I’m glad we did, life is much easier without your houses exploding randomly” the man said

“Ah, well we are more friendly” said Chet “and smarter”

The man brought Chet to the town square, where the map was displayed on a large wall.

“Here we are, in the the center” said the man

“Okay, where is the catapult empire located?” asked Chet

“Anything west of the river is land of the catapults, and the castle is here”

The man points to a small dot near the edge of the map, on the top of a mountain.

“Is that where they keep prisoners too?” asked Chet

“Yep, I was a prisoner there for three years” said the man

“My friend is locked up in there, I need to go and get him”

“Good luck, and you are welcome back here any time.”

Chet continued down the road, and back out onto the grassy plains. Straight into the enemy territory, she thought.

 

Trebu woke up in a small room with almost no natural light coming through the small bars behind him.

“Hey, where am I? Let me out!”

Trebu called over and over, but nobody responded. Eventually, he gave up and tried to get some sleep.

Rattle rattle rattle.

“Wake up, loser” a voice called

Trebu woke up with a start, and glanced into the hallway. A catapult was facing him, with a big grin on his face.

“So you are the one who has been destroying the catapults all across the world”

“Ugh, can’t you let me sleep” said Trebu “I mean you are going to be keeping me in this cell for a long time, right?”

“Ah, yes. I almost forgot. You have a meeting with the trebuchet mastermind at three PM.”

“WHAT” Trebu screamed “There is no way. I fucking killed him. He is gone forever”

The catapult shined his grin and wheeled away into the darkness.


Chet raced across the plains, full speed ahead. Nothing could stop her, she needed to get back to Trebu as soon as possible.

 

Woosh.

 

“Enemy spotted”

The catapults started lining up on the edge of the field, getting ready to fire at Chet

“Fire!”

A hailstorm of projectiles launched from the catapults, but because they are horrible, they landed nowhere near Chet. Without a care in her mind, she raced into the forest.


 

Trebu thought that there was no way the mastermind could still be alive.

“I killed that motherfucker, what the hell is that catapult talking about?”

Trebu wheeled back and forth, not knowing what to do. After some pondering, he decided the best course of action was to wait and see if the mastermind was still alive.

 

Chet saw it, a massive structure high above the trees. The castle was made of stone, because it was a typical castle. She considered her options, and decided to head up from behind. She knew Trebu had to be in there, she saw the image. Time couldn’t lie, right? She didn’t know, but she hoped.

 

Trebu woke up again when the door to the cell rattled. The time had come to see the mastermind, if he was still alive anyway.

“Get up, it’s time to get moving. I don’t have all fucking day” said the catapult

“REEEEEEEEEE” said Trebu

Trebu wheeled out into the hallway, noticing how weird the compound actually was. The lights flickered and he heard screams coming from behind him.

“Who… or what the hell do you keep in here?” said Trebu

“Shut up, don’t speak. Ever.”

The catapult led him up a ramp, towards the top of the castle. Red banners fluttered in the slight wind, and anti-trebuchet signs were plastered every five feet. It was all surreal to Trebu, he had never seen a place so nice.

 

Chet wheeled across the lowered drawbridge, being careful not to make a sound.

“SHHHH”

Chet whipped around, and saw the man she met at the village sneaking in with her.

“What are you doing here? It’s not safe, you should turn back!” said Chet

“It’s too late for that. Let’s get moving”

Chet and the man entered a big chamber primarily used for getting catapults ready for battle.

“I never knew the catapults lived in such luxury” said Chet

“Yea, but they mostly steal it from the citizens of the territories they take over.”

“That’s really rude” said Chet “I wish that catapults didn’t exist”

“Yea, me too”

 

Trebu wheeled into the throne room, where he saw the mastermind sitting on a pile of pillows.

“Hello, Trebu. It’s nice to see you again. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA-”

“Shut up” said one of the bodyguards

“You don’t tell me what to do. Catapults, have this one torn apart!”

“No please, sir I’m truly sorry. No, PLEASE!”

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’m alive, and you won’t be in a few minutes, Trebu”

“How… what… this… this is impossible. I killed you in the warehouse, along with your other men. What have you done with Chet?”

“Well, uh, we don’t know where Chet is, but I can tell you, the only reason I survived was beca-”

CRASH.

A projectile smashed through the two bodyguards, destroying them in seconds.

“TREBU!” Chet yelled from down the ramp “Move, now!”

Trebu took off, wheeling away as fast as possible. He was no good in the fight, they had taken away his projectiles.

“Chet, we have to leave, now!”

“We can’t we must kill the mastermind” chet said

“No, you don’t understand. He can’t be killed.”

“WHAT?”

The duo raced down the ramp, back into the main lobby.

“Left!”

They turned, following the maze of corridors.

“Right!”

It was in this moment, she knew she had fucked up.

“Dead end” said Trebu

The catapults were closing in behind them, getting set up to fire.

“This looks like the end, Trebu. I will always lo-”

Boom.

Through clouds of smoke, Chet could see the man from the village karate chopping the catapults into pieces. His movements were faster than the trebuchet eye could see.

“Holy shit, thank you so much. I thought you had left!” said Chet

“Who is this guy?” asked Trebu

“Hello, I am Sportaflop, and I am here to save the day”

“Why thank you, Sportaflop. Without you, it would have been the end for us!” Trebu said

The three of them crossed the drawbridge and raced into the grassy plains.

“We need to figure out a way to defeat the mastermind” said Chet “It’s the only way we can rest easy”

“Yea, but how. It is literally impossible!” said Sportaflop “Well, that’s what your friend is saying anyway”

Trebuchets are proven to be 1000 times smarter than catapults and because of this, Trebu had a plan.

“What if we don’t kill him, but we lure him into the time portal and trap him inside?”

“But how do we close it?” asked Chet “We don’t know much about it”

“Well, I guess we will have to go see GabeN about that one” said Trebu

“Who’s GabeN?” asked Sportaflop

“Oh, he’s a good friend of ours, helped us save New York City”

“What is New York City?”

“Oh yea… nevermind”

The trio headed east back toward the time warp, with the mission to see GabeN once again.


 

They arrived late Thursday morning, with a light drizzle of rain soaking their wood. The circle was still intact, just as they had left it a week ago.

“Okay, how do we open the portal?” asked Trebu “It’s not appearing like it did before”

“FUCKING OPEN YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT”

The portal opened once again, with the same bright light as always.

“I thought you guys were fucking craaaazy, but woah dude. That’s an actual portal” said Sportaflop

“3...2...1…”

The trio rolled into the portal, ready to see GabeN again.

 

“DAMMIT, HOW THE HELL YOU GUYS KEEP LETTING THEM GET AWAY” yelled the mastermind “I mean seriously, YOU CATAPULTS SUCK”

“Sorry boss, we-”

“I never said you could speak. Why do you all talk so much. SHUT UP”

The mastermind rolled into his personal quarters, deep in thought. He thought of everything, and there was no way they could have made it out. Seconds later, he realized. Sportaflop helped them escape. He rushed out in a panic, screaming at his bodyguards.

“SPORTAFLOP IS BACK. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”


 

They landed on a beach in California, ready to travel to GabeN’s HQ.

“LA again?” asked Chet “Why couldn’t we land closer?”

“It’s okay, we will get there eventually” said Trebu

The trio traveled over mountain upon mountain, wheels turning fast as fuck.

“Hey, I never asked you. Do you happen to know the mastermind’s name, Sportaflop?” asked Chet

“Yea. He is the greatest bamboozler of all time, Lord Tut. He can trick you into anything, he is that powerful. That’s how he tricked you into thinking he was dead.”

Lord Tut was a legend throughout history. In the early 1500s, he tricked his empire into thinking he would tattoo the highest rated suggestion in the empire the next day. Members of the empire soon found out he was bamboozling, and he disappeared for 1000 years, until he rebuilt his new catapult empire.

 

Lord Tut locked the door to his room, and rolled onto the rug. He had no idea what to do. Now that Sportaflop was back, he couldn’t complete his plans. That asshole would just find one way or another to stop his evil plans.

“Servant” he shouted “Get me some water”

“Yessir”

The servant rolled his way down into the open corridors, turning left and right. The castle was built like a maze, only the catapults knew how to navigate it. The stone walls were covered in red drapes with symbols of the catapult empire. Large windows with giant steel bars lined each wall, keeping mostly everyone out. The servant turned right and entered the kitchen, where he found the chef and most of the waiters murdered in cold wood. He screamed and wheeled back up to Lord Tut as fast as he could.

 

Sportaflop lead the way, helping the trebuchets cross the daunting rivers that separated them and GabeN. They were currently deep in the forests of GabeNtown, about fifty miles away from GabeN himself.

“Okay folks, we should be there within five hours” said Sportaflop

Forests were especially hard for trebuchets to navigate, with trees so close together sometimes they would either get stuck or have to ram a tree down. This forest was one of the worst they had experienced, almost always having to knock down a tree or two.

“Fuck man, how much more of this forest?” asked Trebu

“We have around… three miles” said Sportaflop

Trebu smashed through a giant oak tree, sending wood shards in every direction. After the smoke cleared, the entire tree had vanished.

“Damn, trebuchets are quite powerful” said Sportaflop

Lord Tut sprang up when he heard the servant screaming.

“Oh my, oh my, Great Lord Tut… the Chef is dead! Murdered! He is dead!”

“Calm down, how recent did it look?” asked Lord Tut

“It couldn’t have been more than two hours! The wood looked like it was still fresh”

Lord Tut put on his cape and wheeled out of his room.

“Guards, follow me” he said

Five guard catapults lined up on either side, with a perfect formation they had been trained to do anytime Tut was in danger. The group traveled down the corridors, trying to be as sneaky as possible.

“The wheels on a catapult go round and round, round an-” hummed a guard

“Shut up, will you? The killer could still be here” said Lord Tut

The catapults rounded the corner and entered the kitchen, only to find it empty, not a single catapult anywhere.

“Where the hell did they all go?” asked Lord Tut

“Well, this is usually their lunch break, sir”

“Get that fucking servant here right fucking now” said Tut

The servant was brought down in under thirty seconds, screaming and wheeling as he entered the empty kitchen.

 

“Sir, I swear… I swear they were here! You are smart, you must believe me!”

 

“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little catapult? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Catapults, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Trebuchet, and I have over 300 confirmed destructions. I am trained in trebuchet warfare and I’m the top siege engine in the entire empire. You are nothing to me but just another servant. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this empire, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and your location is being tracked right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, catapult. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my spoon. Not only am I extensively trained in unspooned combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United Catapult Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will throw fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, catapult.”

 

“Sir, I mean it. I saw them DEAD ON THE FLOOR” the servant screamed”

“Guards, take him out” said Tut

The guard catapults locked wheels and slowly dragged him out of the kitchen, screaming and struggling.

 

Cata the servant opened his eyes to a dark and musty room. The floor was lined with thick cracks and the ceiling was covered in fungus. Across the hall, a catapult stared at him. It looked worn out, like it had been there for years. The spoon on its back was broken in half, and the wooden spine was twisted from years of water damage.

“Ho.. how long have you been here?” asked Cata

The catapult turned away and rolled into a corner, and then turned back with a look of pure depression.

“You are the first catapult I have seen in years” whispered the old catapult

“How long have you been here?” he asked again

“Two hundred years” the old catapult replied “Two hundred long ass years”

“Holy fuck. Who are you, what did you even do?”

“My name is Arch Duke Cataline The Third, High Catapult of Cataland, and I did something that I have been regretting for 199.99 years”

“Well… what did you do?”

“I played some mlg music to Lord Tut, and he screamed at me. Next thing I saw was this cage.”

“Let me guess. He said What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little catapult? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Catapults, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Trebuchet, and I have over 300 confirmed destructions. I am trained in trebuchet warfare and I’m the top siege engine in the entire empire. You are nothing to me but just another servant. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this empire, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and your location is being tracked right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, catapult. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my spoon. Not only am I extensively trained in unspooned combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United Catapult Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will throw fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, catapult.” said Cata

“Yep, that is down to the word” said Arch Duke Cataline The Third, High Catapult of Cataland

“Wow, that is insane. Have you tried to escape?”

“No, there would be no point. And I suggest you don’t try either. You will just end up dead”

A voice in Cata’s head said otherwise

DO IT, just DO IT! Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So just. DO IT! Make. your dreams. COME TRUE! Just… do it! Some people dream of success, while you’re gonna wake up and work HARD at it! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, and you’re not gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? … DO IT! Just… DO IT! Yes you can! Just do it! If you’re tired of starting over, stop. giving. Up.” said Shia

“No. I won’t say in here. I must escape!” Cata shouted

“Well, I guess this will be the last time I will be seeing you. Good luck my friend, and be safe” said Arch Duke Cataline The Third, High Catapult of Cataland

 

A giant building loomed in front of Chet. Massive pillars of pure money rose hundreds of feet into the sky. There was only one place where piles of money that high existed. They had arrived at GabeN’s palace.

“Wow, GabeN is fucking rich af my dudes” said Trebu

“Well, the steam sale just gets bigger and bigger every year” said Chet

They rolled up the giant ramp and knocked on the giant wooden door

“Who dareth knocketh oneth myeth biggeth dooreth?” said a muffled voice from inside the palace

“Me” said Trebu

“Who is me” asked the voice

“Trebu”

GabeN swung open the giant door and with a giant swoosh, appeared beside them.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was you?” GabeN asked

“I did, I said it was me”

GabeN dragged them past the piles of money into the main room of the palace.

“This is my room of magic” said GabeN “I can do anything I want whenever I want because I am just that badass”

“Wew man, what else do you do here in this giant palace?”

“Well, Whenever I get a steam sale, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the game as a series. To this end, I hold steam game duels. Taking two games between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I publish the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the AAA and the Valve games are tougher, and the newer Hello Games ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that Hello Games as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern game and VR world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a game that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the game extra strength. In this way, the series continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one game, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to Activision, along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this game for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain games. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.” said GabeN

“Wow, spoken like a true Valvean leader” said Sportaflop

“So, what is it you need from me today?” asked GabeN

“I… I don’t remember why I came out to see you” said Trebu

 

Cata got ready to launch his master escape plan. Cataline watched from the other side, ready to fall into a state of depression for another hundred years.

“Okay… I’m going to go over this plan one more time” said Cata

“Cmon man, you have said it literally three hundred times” said Cataline

“So I will ram these bars over and over until they break, then I will continue out into the corridor until I find the glowing exit sign, and then I will take a left and wait in the shadows while the guard catapults come looking for me. After they leave, I will sneak out and be free. Fuck catapults” said Cata

“Hey, remember, you are a catapult too man”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Cataline coughed twice, then rammed the wall twice until his front wood split in half.

“Holy shit, are you alright?” asked Cata

“No… no… hahaha… I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m fucking retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.”

“What is a helicopter?” asked Cata

“Hahaha… hahaha… HAHAHA!” screamed Cataline

He then proceeded to ram the wall two more times until he broke apart completely, and died on the spot.

“rip”








 

 


































 


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