non suicidal thought

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
sorry for my writing and sorry the redaction is not good, needs good polished but i am at work atm:

Submitted: April 08, 2017

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Submitted: April 08, 2017

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So.... I just recently finished watching a Netflix show called 13 Reasons Why. And, no spoilers, its about a teeneager girl who commits suicide and leaves behind 13 tapes explaining the 13 reasons why she did it. I am not going to talk about the TV show but i will do about what it did brought to my mind for the next few days.

At the beggining, I was thinking, I could really be her in High School. Picture this, gay guy in a really small town, bullied even by the "straight" guys I was having intercourse with (yes, you can insert your sex fantasy here). I did though and try, softly, to kill myself. not cutting open my veins but drinking too much, taking drugs and even cut superficialy my wrists. However that is in the past. I though I not only survived but I thrived, but later that day I was on my dating apps and I realised, we never left high school. I am still letting people bully me, and I say letting because i am a grown up now and I know when i how to tell people to fu** off. Let me explain this to you, I am 30 years old and, as i mentioned, i am from the country side, I grew up watching love stories, from my grandparents forbiden love (romeo and juliet style with happy ending), to my parents that still very much in love to each other taking care of the small details like flowers or special meals randomly, so i am a very romantic person, I like kisses in the rain, i like breakfast in bed (with sex before and after), I am the kind of guy that knows the difference between making love and having sex. On top of that, I am a pretty guy: Dark blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, i am slim, i have good hair and good teeth,.... Let me tell you something, I am single, and I dont have a serius relationship since long, long time ago, I dont have random sex since 8 months ago. So you must be thinking (unless you are a gay guy) whats wrong?. I thought for a long time that it was me, i was showing some kind of need that was scaring guys away, so either they will dissapear after the first date or, if we had sex, the next morning.

How come, when I have random sex, guys want to repeat again and again and again and keep calling everytime they are horny, but not the ones i go "on a date" with? Very simple, It doesnt matter if i am slim if I dont have a six pack, It doesnt matter if i am pretty if I dont have a six pack, It doest matter if i am hung if i dont have a six pack.

Ever since I came to London, I have entered on this meet market call "gay scene" where I dont fit. So it is like high school again. And it cracked my confidence for a while, specialy when i realised ive wasted so much time on dates with guys that "wanted a serious thing" but they were really wolfs disguised under a lamb skin. It took me this Netflix TV show to stop feeling bad and put it in writing. I dont want to kill myself, I think I never really have, even if i "tried". I am very gratefull for my family back at home, for my family in london, friends and every person who has supported me on a bad time. But I did realised something, it is not me, it is them. And i am not going to find love on Grindr or Tinder or whatever, and I will find that kind of love that I want (and dont tell me it does not exist, because ive witnesed). It will come, and i will be aware.


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