Dont Call me Ugly

Dont Call me Ugly

Status: In Progress

Genre: Humor


Status: In Progress

Genre: Humor

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Chapter14 (v.1) - Chapter 14

Author Chapter Note

I can’t express how happy I am. It is with joy that I toss into the bed. I’ve certainly come a long way since those days when I’ll be begging ladies to date me. Now, I’m shutting them up on the phone. And this is not just one kitchen cook or an obscure African lady. This is an animal curator who works in an office. Andrew, you are a gee!

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 19, 2017

Reads: 15

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 19, 2017



With the hope that something positive will come out of my meeting with Jaffar, I continue to stay calm in my room, enjoying the holiday. My heart would jump anytime I see a young female walking around on the balcony. I also like to look at them whenever I go to the bathroom area. Being a citizen, I think these ladies should find me attractive. I can make things happen for them in the country. If any of them agrees to date me, and I marry her, she automatically becomes a citizen of South Africa. That should motivate them to want to come close.

I, however, have to wait for two days before I get a reply from Jaffar. Knowing him to be someone who takes things seriously, he must be working hard on my ‘case.’

This evening, after returning from the zoo, there is a knock on my door. I suddenly become anxious thinking that Jaffar has found a suitable lady and has sent her to visit me. I quickly arranged my bedsheet, dusted off the TV, and then unhinge the door to open up.

There is Jaffar, smiling and calling me to come out of the room.

“Come, please.”

 I mask my initial disappointment and ask him to come in. He does.

“Andrew, I’ve carried out a careful search around the building for a suitable lady for you. I must tell you that all of them are not available. It’s either that they are already married or attached with someone. If the situation changes or a new lady moves in, I’ll let you know.”

This news is a sad one for me. In fact, it is a blow. My disappointment doubles up. I’ve seen more than fifteen ladies in the building, and not a single one of them is available for dating. It appears to me that Jaffar is hiding something from me. I should be a ‘hotcake’ here in the midst of other Africa ladies. I’m South African, employed, living alone, not a player and ready to mingle.

Even if they are attached, they should be able to jump ship to my side. I have a lot to offer them. I’m sure Jaffar will continue to work on it. At least, he has taken it upon himself to get back to me, and he does so in a respectable manner. I thank him for the pains and bid him good night.

What if he’s saying the fact— that the ladies are not available? It means I won’t have luck in this building regarding women. I must focus my search elsewhere. But then I don’t have much time moving about town to look for a suitable companion. My mind goes to John to fix the issue for me. Then I recall that he had done so in the past. The lady came to see me once and gave an excuse that will be travelling out of South Africa. That was the last I saw of her. If John could, I know he would have gone ahead.

From all indications, I’ll have to register on a dating website. At least that will give me the chance of seeing many faces from where I can choose one. I’ll have the option of viewing their details and select the ones that would be right for me.

On Wednesday, I strolled down to Bayo’s internet café on Esselen Street. I browse to,

provide my details and registered.


Name:Andrew Makana


Country: South Africa




Marital Status:Single

Job:Zoological Consultant

Likes:animals, children, outdoor activities, meeting people, music, etc


I leave the internet café feeling hopeful. After two days, I return there to see if I’m lucky to have been sent any profile. I’m shocked to see 43 profiles of suitable ladies. I can’t believe my eyes! Whoever started online dating has done something fantastic. Here are the single South African ladies that have been difficult to come by. Amazing.

I was going to stay at the café for one hour. I pay the operator for four more hours. With this number of profiles, I’m not going to do a run through; I’ll give each of them a careful assessment. I just might find the right lady from the list.

As I sit there poring over the profiles, more profiles are pouring into my inbox. I feel blessed. If these people are all eligible for dating, here I am available to be dated. There is no way I’ll not find one or two that’ll like me. If it is necessary to remain there till the café closes, I’m prepared to stay.

For each profile that I find interesting, I’ll copy and paste the details to another file. When the profile impresses me much, I take my pen and write down the details on the paper I have with me. I have an idea of the kind of ladies I want in my head. I’m not the out-going type that visits clubs every weekend. I’m also not into the mascara-wearing types. When I sense that a profile picture is too flashy, I’ll delete it. I don’t earn much. I don’t want any liability-lady that will demand my entire salary to by lipstick only.

After spending three hours, the profile of a calm-looking lady attracts me the most. I carefully write down her details:



Name:Bertha Mokoena


Country: South Africa




Marital Status:Single

Job:Animal Curator

Likes:Wildlife, big cats, poultry, and rodents.


When I set my eyes on the picture of Bertha, I just feel a cold chill run down my spine. There is something about Bertha’s profile that hooks me so bad. Immediately after writing down her details, I walk out of the café.

“Good night,” the operator waves.

I look back to see the person and discovers that I’m the last customer to leave the café.  

As soon as I step into my room, I put a call through to Bertha’s number. It rings for a while, but no answer from the other end. I try five more times, but no luck. Well, I’ll wait for a callback. She might just be busy, somehow.

While I wait for her call, I juggle her name in my head:

“Bertha-Bartholomew; Bertata- Berrington; Berristic Bertherway”

The name Bertha sounds romantic. I’m sure the lady too will be pleasant. I have selected her profile out of many available. How I present myself is top on my mind. I don’t want to disappoint.

Ten minutes later, she calls.

“Hello. I missed your calls. I’m sorry. Who is on the line, please?”

I’ve been learning about the art of sounding nice on the telephone. I’ve also upgraded my skills on how to twitch my voice to make the person on the other end of the telephone listen carefully. Bertha’s voice over the phone is so sultry that a suitable sound is what should keep her on the call. It is time for me to put my skills to use.

With a husky voice, the kind of which I’ve never heard myself use, I say to her.

“Hello, princess. I’m Andrew Mack. I came across your profile earlier today, and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep without talking to you. Never mind that I’ve made several calls. It has to do with the importance I attach to hearing from you. If I’m disturbing you in any manner, I can stop talking right away.”

“No, no, no, continue, please.”

Wow! I’ve come a long way, and I can’t stop now. Now feeling like a Casanova, I must ride on.

“I observe that you are into wildlife. I find that interesting. I also have a special interest in animals. In fact, I work in a zoo. I’m a Zookie where I work, and that is a code for how we are referred.”

Bertha laughs aloud and blurts, “What is a Zookie? It sounds nice.”

 The way she laughs tickles me deeply, even as it is over the phone. It appears I’m fascinating her. I must have said some things right. Let me keep holding her attention. But then, what does a Zookie mean?  It is just a local name we call ourselves at work. I obviously can’t tell her that because she thinks it is something special than that. I don’t want to burst her bubble. I’ll rather keep her in suspense.



“You sound sweet on the phone. I’ve achieved my aim of talking to you this night. I must say that talking to you is special. We can talk some more tomorrow. Then, I’ll have time to explain to you all the questions you have asked. Have a good night rest, Lady B.”

In a low voice that suggests that she is a bit disappointed to stop talking, she remarks,

“It’s okay. Have a nice night rest.”

“Thanks. You too.”

 I can’t express how happy I am. It is with joy that I toss into the bed. I’ve certainly come a long way since those days when I’ll be begging ladies to date me. Now, I’m shutting them up on the phone. And this is not just one kitchen cook or an obscure African lady. This is an animal curator who works in an office. Andrew, you are a gee!

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