Standing

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
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The unthinkable happens when she crosses a line

Submitted: April 10, 2017

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Submitted: April 10, 2017

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I remember the moment I read the text...time seemed to stop...my eyes slowly took in the words that only confirmed what I already knew in my heart….”I crossed a line I thought I’d never cross”.

 

At first it didn't seem real. She is the most honest and true person I’ve ever met. Surely that didn't say what I thought it did...but the words remained…

 

I realized how she felt 18 years ago when I crossed that line. I never thought I’d experience that reality. Certainly not after so much time had passed. Certainly I would have understood if she had given in to get back at me after it happened.

 

But she didn’t. She forgave me. She prayed that God would forgive me. She prayed that I would forgive myself.

 

At first, I resented her forgiveness. “Just let me go and move on with my life”...that is what my mind said. I had big plans for a life without her. My same job...same friends...same world...just without her. The only thing is...it was all a pipe-dream. My life would never be the same without her in it Of course, I didnt realize it at the time. My eyes were blinded by the guilt I felt. I had to find ways to dull the pain and it only made things get worse.

 

Yet through it all, she remained strong...confident that I would return to her. Her faith was not broken when she heard about “us” being seen together here or there. Her faith did not fail when she had to endure the pain of listening to “our” conversations. Even with the prospect of seeing her at church...she remained strong and determined.

 

And through much pain and prayer….gradually God changed my heart. I am sure when I first came back home she was elated. She may have even thought the battle was over at that point. But it was several months later before the scales of sin were removed from my eyes and God truly melted my heart. As I asked God to forgive me and I forgave myself, she was there waiting with arms open wide.

 

As I look back, I am sure she was as blindsided as I was. I mean, we both had feelings that something was wrong..but you hope and pray that you are wrong. And yet – we were not wrong. Either of us.

 

My emotions seem to be all over the place. I didn’t know one could feel so many contradictory feelings at the same time. One minute I feel confident that God will again restore us….the next I just want to see her again to tell her I love her...then anger and rage….betrayal. It is hard to keep them separated because they all come and go so quickly.

 

After getting past the first crashing wave of confusion I had some clarity...but only for a brief instant…if it were possible to make it worse, I certainly found it. Pushing all the wrong buttons and watching as things spiraled ever closer to finality. It was almost like watching someone else in my body...I want to shout “STOP...BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE”...but the words won’t come...the scene keeps playing...the wrong words get said...and the wound gets worse.

 

I do know that I love her. I love her more than I can express. Maybe that is the problem. We do not always seem to be able to communicate in a way that makes sense to both of us. If only I had understood...I would have done things differently. I would have made sure she knew how much I loved her and needed her. I would have held her close every chance I had to make sure she felt my love her for. All the things I thought I was doing right were wrong. I left a void and someone was quick to come along and offer to fill it for her.

 

Time. That is what she wants from me. Time for her to think and consider her future. Our future. Their future. It hurts to even say that...but I remember...that is what I asked of her as well. And she gave me that time. All the while praying...believing for the best...no matter how it looked. No matter how hateful I was. No matter what I did...she was consistent.

 

Can I live up the the standard she set? She is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. Do I dare dream that I have the strength that she showed day in and day out for that long road? I pray that I do.

 

Time. It moves so slow now. The seconds drag on for eternity it seems before even a single minute has passed. The thoughts are there...the ones that say I would never be enough for her now….its too late...she has moved on...and yet I know we are soul-mates. It is hard to be strong and yet how can I not be? She was strong for me. I can’t lose her. How could I have been so callous so long ago? What I would give to change the past...the far past and the recent past. And yet, only the future can be changed. The past is set in stone.

 

Sleep is no longer my friend. It refuses to give me its relief. I have no use for food. It has lost its flavor. Only one thing remains: I can only hold on to the Truth and trust that He is enough.

 

I will stand my love. I will await for you to return to me in your time. Just as you did for me. I will trust that the God who saved our relationship before will do it again. I will give you the time you need...regardless of the pain. For through that pain will birth a bond that nothing will ever destroy. I will be here as long as it takes. Forgiveness is yours...just as it was mine.


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