I’m learning to be okay without you.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I’m learning to be okay without you and I can’t wait for the day when I’ll hear your name and feel nothing.

Submitted: April 10, 2017

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Submitted: April 10, 2017

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I’m learning to be okay without you and I can’t wait for the day when I’ll hear your name and feel nothing.

I met him on FB, and cliché as it may seem, it wasn’t love at first sight. I didn’t believe in clichés back then, in fact, we both didn’t. But our beliefs didn’t matter, in matters that the heart couldn't resist. We quickly became friends and he started asking me out ever so often and my answer was No No No because I had an Ex Bf and because of that I lost trust in guys and was very difficult and scared to trust guys. I told him my past but he wasn’t bothered and said it’s all fine, well it could be said as I was forced to love him by his attracting words. Later we became very close started talking frequently and he even made me talk to his parents. We started caring for each other and well we fell in love. So when he asked for my hand in marriage, you can imagine my joy! He said he would get engaged to me in this December.

Yet the fear of breaking the news to my parents ( Dad ) bothered me. But each time I spoke about it, he would quieten me down and insisted that he will speak to my dad and convince him that he was the right man for me, and yes he did talk to my mom on this and she was the happiest person in the world I could say she was very happy for me cause she liked him and called him my son and so on. His confidence coupled with his fear of losing me was so evident in his expressions, that I couldn’t help but not trust his words. I trusted all his words and yes I was very happy with him his words used to bring me happiness.

I gave in and decided to introduce him to my family members, but then he had got a new job in Poland and he was to leave in a week’s time. I was really very happy for him, yet the burden of my relationship weighed heavy on me. I didn’t want to stop him either but I still remember his words saying I don’t want to go cause I don’t want to miss u. I told him it’s a onetime opportunity, which could change our lives forever. And I saw a bright future with him. We had plans to settle in Poland after our marriage and had even planned on how our wedding is going to be.

When the day of his departure arrived, I was in Chennai i took the night train reached here by 11.30pm went home and was waiting for him to come pick me up, cause he had asked me to come drop him . We were to go by a cab but then his friends joined him. I later realized that his friends was drunk and was scared to get  back with them but cause of his confidence I travelled with him at 1am in the night. I was right by his side at the airport. That vision of him leaving me behind for the new life is still fresh in my mind. He left but I couldn’t stop crying. He didn’t even bother to call me and find out if I reached home safely. So obviously I wrote him a text yelling at him for sending me along with his friends and that he hadn’t contacted me to find out if I have reached. I then realized that I was being blocked everywhere. I went mad without contacting him. I tried reaching out to his friends who I never even knew before or have met them before .Nights turned to days and I could not stop myself from crying and missing him terribly. So instead, I decided not to moan, and focus on our bright future together but then I got in touch with his sister and cause of that he texted me from his Poland number to yell at me for reaching out to his sister.

 

But every time I discussed our future together, he’d start an argument on how we should proceed with things. He would give me reasons that life in Poland wasn’t easy, and he doesn’t want to risk anything with his career at the moment. This was his big break and he had a lot riding on his shoulders. He had to care for his parents, his family and us, with this job. He said he needs time and doesn’t want to focus on our relationship and that he needs some time to settle. He wouldn’t respond to any of  my msg’s or calls but then he used to be online always and gave me silly excuses saying he is busy . I had no option but to agree with him as I was too blind in love. (It’s good to call it this way now)

 

When his mom spoke to him he said he isn’t ready to go ahead with this relationship cause I am short, rich and immatured, that was the reason he said. I was not in a position to get cheated again as I got into a relationship after three and half years. I had mentally prepared myself to face my parents with this truth. But when I spoke to him after all that time, he didn’t seem like the person I had fallen in love with. My friends cautioned me of this. But still I was ready to give it time for him to settle. But things changed in him.

However, I was too happy to talk to him once in a blue moon at least, After he had settled back, I brought up the topic of our marriage plans again and all I could hear from his mouth was I don’t want to give it a chance now let’s see if it will work or not . For the first few minutes, i stayed quiet and participated in the discussion. His temper soared and an argument ensued. And we used to continuously fight over this at least 5 times a day.

And out of nowhere, he uttered those 4 words "It was a mistake loving you."

It was like my worst nightmare coming true. I was crushed under the weight of his harsh words. I was devastated; I still gave him the benefit of doubt and assumed he hadn’t meant what he said. I tried to enquire what went wrong but what he had to say hurt me even more. He said that his career took precedence over our relationship, as it didn’t feel right to hurt his chances at work right now. I was ready to wait until he settles but I wanted a promise from him that he will marry me .Once he promised me but now I started having that doubt I didn’t know what will I tell my parents on this.

He added that his parents were a little doubtful of adjusting with me. The more he spoke, the less things made sense to me. I begged for him to re-consider his thoughts but he refused. I fell on his legs and begged him but he want the same. He had changed and that change brought stress to my life .

He decided to part ways, but still be friends which I was not ready for , secretly some part of me hoped that it would bring us back together, I was in touch with his mom and she liked me a lot so I still had a hope that I will get him back in my life. He again changed his mobile number so that I don’t get in touch with him. But then he got to me saying that his phone isn’t working properly. But later I knew that he had changed his number. But one day his friend broke the news to me that he had many relationships and this is how he does to all the girls, he sends msg’s on FB and gets their number and his motives are totally different and that he was into drugs and he has cheated many of my juniors too . I decided not to react badly hearing all these things. Instead, I tried to speak to him on this and I spoke to him after a week I could say I begged him to talk to me for the one last time and he called me up and I asked him almost 6 girls names and all he had to say was yes she is my EX yes she is my EX which gave a shock to my life. I couldn’t take it in and he said bye and then cut the call. I couldn’t call him back bec it was a land line number.  I finally made peace with the fact that some things are not meant to be and chose to give myself some time to get over him and focus on myself but I made sure that his family knew about this, but then I asked them not to react cause I wanted him to focus on his career.

Later I came to know that this is his hobby and he gets all the girls number saying he too studied in the same college and used to get in touch with all the girls and promise to Marry them like how he promised to me. I even got proofs of his msgs. On enquiring and confronting him, he finally came out with the harsh truth that he had many girl friends. I couldn’t tolerate his duplicity, I felt like I am dead. At the start itself I had told him I don’t want to be in a relationship and this won’t work all what he had to say was have faith trust each other we will make it work and will show wonders and let others look at our love story and feel jealous.  Now I feel that I was like a passing cloud to him and its killing inside to even look at our pics .

 

I was stunned at the words that came out of his mouth, I couldn’t believe this was the man I was once in love with. But I still have in my prayers, every day I say a rosary on his name for him to be good and for his future. I hope he doesn’t repeat the same mistake and lives a beautiful life, I still hope the best for his future. But I still have the hope that one day he will realize the pain which I went through. I miss him badly but i learnt to walk away from people and situations  that threaten my peace of mind, self respect or my self worth !

 

 

 

 

 


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