My journey to a miracle

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My experience with my first pregnancy

Submitted: April 11, 2017

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Submitted: April 11, 2017

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You would think that every female to ever hear the words "you're pregnant" would jump up with joy and shout it to the rooftop. Not me, I cried, after hearing those words. I wasn't in a good place in life, I mean where I was at wasn't as bad as most but for me it still wasn't good enough. So many thoughts started to sink in "what is this going to be like, can I handle this, what would I do with a baby, would anyone help me, would the father straighten up so we can raise this child?". I remember the bus ride home, I was nervous, I was scared, I didn't know what people would say or think. Walking into my moms 20 years old, still nervous to tell her that I was pregnant with my first child. I couldn't find the courage to face her. So like any other child coming out to their parents about life changing news, I found a way around it. I sent her a text message, and I could only imagine her expressions as we responded back and forth. She seemed to me, to be happy, in shock and sad. Sad because she saw where I was and knew what I was going through and who I was with, happy because her oldest was about to give life/give her a third grandbaby. In total disbelief just as I was, I took four tests before I actually realized there was no changing the answer on the test, they all read the same thing, +.

Once I announced it, lots of people were congratulatory towards the news I shared. A few comments from others near & dear to me left me in tears. I know I hadn't always been at my best but to say the things they said about me before my child was even born made me sad and want to give up before I even got started. My first ultrasound was so amazing to me, to see my very own little person growing inside me, words couldn't express the way I felt. It was the second and third ultrasound that changed my life and how I felt about my pregnancy. My second ultrasound I had no idea but I was already about 4-5months when I finally found out I was actually pregnant. I only weighed 125, I was going through a lot at the time. The doctors had discovered something wasn't right, so they set me up with an ultrasound at a high risk doctor because some things they thought they saw. I didn't know what to expect, should I be scared, what was going on. The high risk doctors confirmed: My baby had gastroschisis, that's where your baby's stomach and intestines end up not going inside the body like it's supposed to while in the sac. They said it was possible that it could go in, but if it didn't they would have to put it back in at birth. I was devastated, I was shocked, I was sad, hurt and confused. I cried, I cried so hard. My cousin whom was my best friend had been there every step of the way for me. I asked god, why, why me, why with my first child, is it my fault, will he be okay?.

 

The doctors said to me " it's a possibility he may never walk, never talk, or even eat on his own, he may need a g-tube, you have a choice, u can keep him, if you feel u can handle it, or abort him, or give him up just let us know" . All I could do was cry and ask why, I contemplated, everything I heard and everything I felt. I asked advice and thought to myself Would I be able to handle if he wasn't able to do anything, would I be able to handle a g-tube, should I abort him and be done with it, or should I let someone adopt him, maybe that would be good for him, maybe someone else could give him everything he needs'. I thought about my mom mostly I know she would support whatever decision I made, but I know inside if I let him go it would hurt her, my cousin gave me good advice too. She told me basically give him a chance regardless how hard it may be. I thought about how my mom kept me and all my brothers and sisters even through all her struggles, how she gave up everything and did anything to keep us fed, cared for and alive. I told myself I couldn't quit him. Regardless of what may have been wrong with him, no one would love him like his own mother would. I decided to keep him, and as time went on, everyone who knew about what I was going through helped me prepare for what may or may not be. I had felt better with myself and pregnancy thanks to my support system. So finally the day came, I was home with my boyfriend, all of a sudden felt my uterus tightening and loosening repeatedly, I had felt it before so I didn't think too much of it, I just kept touching him to see if he was moving. At first he was, but as it kept happening he stopped, I was so unsure I even took a walk to sonic thinking "it'll stop, I felt this before, i'm okay" .

 

Once we made it back home I called my mom and Grandma they told me go to the emergency room just to be safe, so I agreed. My mom came to pick me up, sure enough the doctors there say to me "you're lucky you came when you did or he would not have survived, you're a good mother to notice your baby not moving, you're having contractions and they're not sitting well with him we have to do an emergency c-section". I was scared , a tear rolled down my cheek and I seen myself running out of that hospital, but I thought to myself I have to do this, he has to come out of me eventually and if it's not here and now I could cost him his life. So they gave me all the medicine the needles everything, and after that I felt one real contraction, it hurt like hell. As they prepared themselves and I, I lay there nervous and scared and now numb from the neck down, with my mom right by my side. For what seemed to be hours I felt pressure pushing and pulling back and forth. Then finally they announced that they had gotten him out, they let my mom take pictures, before they rushed him out. I cried, I cried with joy, with fear, with confusion. I lay there waiting for them to finish working on me for another 12 hours it had seemed, waiting to be able to go see the little precious baby they just pulled out of me. When I finally got to see him, he was amazing, so small, so cute. I was able to touch him but couldn't hold him. Days went by and each day they did another minor surgery on him until everything was inside him where it was supposed to be. He wasn't able to eat, it saddened me, to see him go through that. He cried and cried, sometimes I cried too. They kept him on an IV and just gave him a pacifier, sometimes medicine because they said he was in pain, but to me all it was, was him being hungry. I had to pump so that by the time they were ready to start feeding him he'd have enough food. The first day I got to hold him I was nervous & excited. He loved it, after that it was like he never wanted to be back in that bed again. It seemed sooooo long for everything to happen, we spent 48 days in the hospital after his birth date November 13th,2011.

 

48 days to move him from an incubator to a regular bed, 48 days to be able to hold him, feed him, bathe him and clothe him. Not to mention they gave him so much medicine they had to wean him off the medicine, he had blood transfusions, setbacks, etc. I remember one day after I was able to feed him, they told me not to feed him for so many hours because he needed a blood transfusion. He was so cranky, they just gave him medicine to make him calm down they said we have to give him a little bit of food at a time to make sure he keeps it down and once he does we'll give him an extra ounce each time. So all those hours without eating, medicine in him and a blood transfusion and finally he got to eat. He threw up, so they took his food away. Started all the way over back at square one. I was sad, I was mad, I didn't understand why they didn't understand what actually made him throw up. There was even an incident where they had a caseworker come talk to me to see how I was doing and how I would deal w him. To me all it was, was them trying to find a reason to take my baby away. I specifically remember the caseworker saying "there's been cases where we let the people take these babies home & that was a mistake". I just couldn't believe, i understand some people did some bad things but don't judge me off what someone else did just because this is my first baby. The day he was born i sat at that hospital in the NICU for about two weeks, w/o leaving, eating, showering etc. I refused to go home w/o my baby, but then doctors/nurses came in telling me how i needed to take care of myself for my baby. I was emotional i just wanted him home. Once i started taking care of me leaving and coming back they had an issue with that too.During the 2 weeks I had stayed at the hospital without going home my incision had become infected. I had the chills and a fever, I wasn't feeling well. I had went down to the ER to be seen, I wanted to get better I was practically living in the room with my baby. Went down twice, I sat around waiting just to be seen, I had waited so Long each time I went down there I just left, I was highly upset. On Thanksgiving Day I went home to eat and change, then head back up to the hospital to see my baby. Walking into the bathroom I saw some yellow stuff on my pants, I was scared I thought that where they had cut me at burst open. Turns out my incision had came open where it was infected at and puss was coming out of it. My mom rushed me back up to the hospital and again I sit playing the waiting game, I got up to walk out (although my mom and cousin were begging me to stay and get treated) here comes 2 nurses saying "come back, we're going to fix you up" My mom explained to them how this was my 3rd day coming up there trying to get seen, how I waited around and no one showed up. They told her it was okay they would take care of it. Me being pissed off all I wanted to do was go back to my son, they threatened me, said "if you don't let us fix you, we'll call up to the NICU and tell them not to let you in until you get fixed". Telling me they would make it so that I was NOT able to see my own child. With tears in her eyes my mom said "just please do what they're asking of you, they're going to take him if you don't cooperate". I was livid, I had tried to fix it before anything like that happened. After letting them do what they needed I ended up being readmitted to the hospital and was able to see my son again. I sat at the hospital with my baby everyday i called and checked on him when i would sleep at home almost every hour.

 

I cried so hard. A few times i called and he was screaming and crying and I'd ask why, all i remember is they'd give him more medicine to make him calm down. That was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to deal with in life. Once he finally got home, not even three days out we end up back in the hospital because he had RSV. We had to do physical therapy and all kinds of stuff. It's funny how they said he'd be this & need that and wouldn't be able to do this and/or that and my son actually developed well and quickly. He was doing things way ahead of his time. Here it is four years later and you couldn't get him to be quiet if you paid him, he eats everything, he uses the bathroom perfectly fine, his mind is well developed you wouldn't even believe he was four. One of the hardest experiences in my life turned out to be the best little miracle to ever happen to me. I look at him and think about the struggle we been through and how hard it was, how small he was, but how well he did. And I thank god, I threw all those other thoughts out and told myself I have to fight for him because who else would. Now today August 11,2016 we love each other so much, we're the best of friends he's my little warrior, my little survivor and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. People absolutely love him, everyone talks to him and about him, his great grandma treats him just like he's her baby. My mom treats him just like a baby as well, always buys him everything and lets him do what I tell him not to. I couldn't imagine my life without my baby, he saved me. And with the struggles we went through after he was born I saved him too.


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