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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
the battle for Wigan

Submitted: April 19, 2017

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Submitted: April 19, 2017









Ronius Moronius was only a lowly senator.  His estate in Rome was only a small house in an acre of olive groves.  It was a gift from the Roman Empire for being loyal in a small Roman battle in the South of Brittany.  It was also allowed and ordered, that the Moronius household should move to Northern Britain, in attempt to keep the peace, among the local.  It was reported that Romans struggled to capture a small band of thugs.  In a place they called Ince.


Ronius Moronius planned to enter into his chosen land, in a two pronged attack.  One by land and the other by sea.  The Roman Army had already captured Deva, that would become known as Chester.  Most of Britain was siezed.  Just one thorn stood in their way.  A stubborn clan called Big Bri of Pem.  He was mates of Chinny Ian of Ince.  Basically they enjoyed fighting each other, half to death.  Then do it again another time.  This was the realm that had to be had.


A large band of Romans drove chariots and wagons to the outskirts of this region.  TheY camped and awaited for the sign to attack.  It would be a messenger dove, from Ronius himself.  He was a big dove fancier.  He left a Roman Garrison ship at sea, and sailed a smaller vessel down a rugged river.  It had bends all over the route.  One place the boat of twenty armed men, had to dig in a camp, to rest a while.  It was there that Moronius thought Diglus was a good enough name for a waterway.


After a few days or weeks.  The Roman barge was in the land of mud huts.  It was there that the settlement was started.  The food makers set up camp on a flat piece of land.  They baked pizzas with tomatoes and olives.  The aroma of the cooking, caught the attention of some locals.  It was then that Moronius thought that, Cucci-yum was a good name for this new land. 


The dove found the Roman Army to the South.  The hundred men marched on into Coccium.  It would take some time to rule this place.  But that would start the next day.  Besides, Ronius had been told that Northerners were quite thick.  So the encampment grew and waited for the gangs of Ince and Pem to show up.  This would be the day of the Northern Conquest.  This soul less place would become the Roman place to dance.  They would call it Coccium CE, the capital of Northern Soul.




Big Bri met Chinny Ian at the top of Pem.  A truce was just about held, while the pair of yobs, planned how to overwelm, or simply kick the muck out of the Romans.  Both vandals revelled in fisticuffs with the men from Rome.  Foreigners were not wanted.  If all else fails, they could pretend to like the Romans.  Then crush them with the newly invented brick pie.  The Pem and Ince boys did like a good pie.


It was a sunny Summer when the Italians arrived.  The aroma of spices and grecian 20 caused shocked locals to feel quite sick.  Goodness, those Gladiators must stink in a fight.  Mind you they had good weapons.  The shields would make a good coal shed, thought some folk.  Odd ideas came applenty when the era of the Romans came.  Some tales grew that this was the Fall of the Roman Empire.  Anyone who would want to rule here must be due for a fall, thought some locals.


Inn the local hovels, local drunks supped black muddy mead.  It was not wine, but it could shift a cold.  Or make one sick as mule.  After ten mugs of it, the cobblers of the North had formed a small gang of trouble.  They were ready to welcome that Moron chap to the district.  With bloody good thrashing.


The white dove landed in the lap of Pratius Prat.  He was a no nonesense Greek, that had become a Roman.  With his old world good looks, the Britain women would fall at his feet.  He was sure some had to be good looking.  Or good at knitting, to keep his toga warm.  Even in Summer, it was cold for a visitor.  The arrival of the dove meant his army was to march on the unknown settlement.


After a few minutes, the dove fluttered into big oak tree.  There it met a dark rougher version of itself.  After a violent mating ritual of headbutting, the couple were an item.  This would lead to a surge in pigeon fanciers.  And not just for eating.  The horses from France pulled bronze chariots and strong wooden carts.  The thirty machines formed a ring, when they got into the townless town. 


Pratius Prat and Ronius Moronius received each other.  Both tutted at the shabby locals.  Then the Senator explained they just had to make things better.  Not before long.  Prat had constructed a Bistro.  At least the Romans could get drunk in the new settlement of Prat Bridge.




A meeting of locals and new regime was set up.  Before insults and knives could be thrown, Big Bri and Chiny Ian made pleasantaries towards Ronius Moronius.  The Northerners accept gifts of tomatoes and olives.  Of which a special sauce was made by the womenfolk of the settlement.  When sampled, many locals had visions of something called Tomato Man. 


Tomato Man danced.  Tomato Man sang.  Tomato Man told everyone that tomatoes can be fun.  Tasty and spicy.  Great on a bun.  Something of magic to place in you tum.  The red ball had eyes and very tiny feet.  Leaves for hair and hands that were petite.  Tomato Man danced and Tomato Man sang.  Then locals drank mead and woke with a good headache.


Big Bri gave offerings of pasties and pies.  A lager called stout and a brick to stand upon.  The Roman Senator, did stand on the large concrete tablet, he called it a flag stone.  And thought would look great in his Venetian garden.  What a garden was, Northerners were unsure.  But the thought of allotments caused a stir soon to grow.



Before a fight could begin, a name was given to the place.  Most called it the dump.  But the Romans announced the place as Coccium.  The locals spat out the name.  Yet after a while, kept saying, ‘W’ guna call it Coccium?  Like hell I says.’


After a few decades, Coccium was settled.  A small garrison was made.  This was the way to the Highlands.  To where the Empire would stop.  At the time of Moronius the idea to build a quayside on the river was frowned upon.  It would never work - felt some.  Then maybe a pier that goes nowhere - surmized a Roman architect.  After some thought, the reply was - Now that just might work.


So, centuries later, a pier was made.  On a canal that Romans did not build.  But after many wines and meads.  After scoffing on pies and tomato sauce.  After the battle for Wigan Pier.  The world did grow to know the place that was COCCIUM CE…



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