It's always sunny in westworld

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The gang score free tickets to a new amusement park called westword.

Submitted: April 21, 2017

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Submitted: April 21, 2017

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Black title card Audio only train moving sound effect

12:06pm

On a Saturday

Location unknown

Cut to INT. TRAIN. DAY

Mac: Look at this place guys this is amazing!

Charlie: I know right?

Frank: All I gotta say is do what you want now, but when we get to the park remember: everyone’s gotta do what I wanna do. I'm bankrolling, so everyone's gotta do what I want.

Everyone: Aw c’mon, are you serious? Really?

Dee: Frank c’mon don't make us do that. The place is supposed to be about doing whatever you want.

Everyone yeah.

Frank: That's right, whatever I want. I’m bankrollin…

Everyone: groans.

Frank:...and if you don’t like it you can go back to the bar.

Everyone: grumbles.

Dee: Fine, whatever, but how did you even manage to score these tickets? I mean, I know you're loaded but this place is like $40 grand a day each.

Mac and Charlie: What? Woah!

Dennis: Yeah Frank, I would be concerned about you wantonly spending our inheritance if I didn’t already know you have no intention of leaving us with anything.

Dee: So selfish.

Frank (through a mouthful of rum ham): Nothing in this world is free Dennis. Deandra. And you guys still have never learned that lesson.

Dee: oh come on.

Dennis: Yeah Frank,haven't you learned that we never learn anything from your stupid lessons?

Dee: Yeah!

Frank: then I guess you’ll just be stuck in this loop until you figure it out.

Dee: Oh is that what it is Frank? We’re stuck in a little loop,huh? How about I put a loop around your neck, huh?

Dennis: Oh yeah Frank, real mature!

Charlie: So, how DID you get the tickets Frank?

Frank (pauses with a side eye as he chews): I won them in a radio contest.

Everyone: Oh, there you go! God damn it! I Knew it! Just gonna Lord the tickets over us like you're the goddamn ticket emperor?

Dee: Wait, if you won the tickets in a contest, how are you bankrolling anything? ANY of us could have won those tickets.

Frank: No Deandra, because you (points to all of them) were destined to be a loser and I was destined to be a winner (Frank says through a drooling mouthful of ham).Haha!

Cut to title card into music

The gang loses big time.

It's always sunny in Westworld

Cut to various window shots from train of passing landscape.

Segue music. Ext day establishing shot of train passing left to right. Cut to int.train.day.

Charlie: Ok frank, so how’d you do it then? What was the question, what was the answer?

Frank: Eh? Oh I have no idea. I rigged the whole thing.

Charlie: What?

Everyone: Ah! Ok, that make sense.

Dee: eeh! No! But still, my point…

Frank: Well I did have to bribe a few guys to make sure the whole thing went off without a hitch, [everyone groans] so in a way I still bankrolled the whole thing.

Charlie: Ok, so what was the big deal? How’d you do it?

Frank: Ya see Charlie, First I had to get the tickets donated by this fruity company called Delos. So I gave em a call and put on the schmooze.

Flashback Frank on phone.

Phone rep: Delos headquarters.

Frank: I need 5 tickets to get in your park for free...uhh...I'm having a charity giveaway for uhh kids with Lukemiads. Phone rep: Lukemiaids?!

Frank: Yeah it’s a hybrid, from too much bangin, that's why we work to help keep the kids from bangin each other by locking them up, Ya know so it doesn't get any worse.

Phone rep: can I put you on hold?

Frank[turns evil]: put me on hold bitch, and I'll have your job! I want to speak to your boss!

Phone rep: W-who should I say is calling?

Frank (looking off sinisterly): The Warthog.

Phone rep [pause] I’m...I’m sorry Mr. Warthog. I’ll patch you through right away.

Frank [voiceover]: that was the easy part, next I Had to convince those two goobers Squirrly D and Fat Mike from Q102 to get in on the deal. They were hesitant at first, but I made them see my way.

Silent of frank meeting with dj’s both shocking heads. Frank pulls out gun and the Dj’s raise their hands and nod without changing expression.

SD: Aaand we’re back with the 102Q crew! FM: We’re twice the q just for you! SD: Alright coming up at the top of the hour, we're giving away not one FM: No! SD: not two Fm: Naayyy SD: not three! FM: four, but SD: Five free tickets to the new FM: And ridiculously expensive SD: theme park FM & SD: Westworld SD: where you can do anything FM: And we mean anything! SD: You want! FM: So the rules of the contest are simple: SD: We pick a number FM:you guess the number SD: you win the tickets. FM: I’m writing the winning number on a piece of paper right now as we speak, Squirrly D. ( mimes,Writes nothing) SD: Yes, I can confirm he is indeed writing the winning number down before my very eyes, aand now we’ll just check in to see if we can get the winning number ok’d by our sponsor for today’s contest: Wolf Cola (lifts up blank piece of paper, camera pans over to reveal Frank in the studio, nodding as he points his gun).

Charlie[voiceover]: wait, if you were in the studio, how did you make the winning call?

Cut to Charlie and Frank.

Frank: (cackles) are you crazy? If I did that, I’d be stuck paying taxes on the prize for years! Nah, I got someone to call in for me. That way, I take a huge write off for giving the tickets away, don’t get plowed in the ass in taxes for winning them, and I still get to keep them! Everybody wins, haha!

Mac: Uhh ok genius, so who would be dumb enough to be part of that bozo plan?

Frank (turns and grins): I got a guy.

Cut to radio studio

SD:I'm sorry, the answer is not 9,362 FM:Close SD: But not really FM: Next, caller you're on the air.

Cricket: uh..uh, hello?

SD: Yes hello caller can I have your name please.

Cricket: uh M-matty Mar- I mean, Cricket...its, its cricket. (Frank reacts nodding and pointing wildy in silence). I uhh, was supposed to call here, or something?

FM: Yes, can we have your guess please?

Cricket: I, uh...I don’t… (wild ringing noise).

SD: And we have a winner! FM: That’s Right! Our winning number was in fact the square root of negative one. SD: Also known as ‘i'

Cricket: wh-what? Umm ok, I'm not quite sure what's going on?

FM: I’'ll tell you what's going on, you just won 5 free tickets to the brand new theme park: westworld!

Cricket: Oh wow that’s wonderful! Umm I don't have an address right now, so if you could just drop them off under the bridge at the intersection of- ( Frank reaches over and hangs up the the call)

Frank: Thanks, I know where he lives, I can take it from here (Grabs tickets and leaves).

Cut to train

Charlie: What? You had him make the call without knowing anything? Why? Why would you do that?

Frank: To cover my tracks! The less he knew the better.

Mac:That still doesn't explain why Cricket would help you, let alone any of us.

Dennis: mmm. I’m with Mac on this, we've all be pretty awful to cricket over the years; how do you know he’s not gonna rat you out?

Dee:You didn't promise I’d bang him did you?

Frank: Nope, even better.

Cut to Artemis’ apartment

Frank: You sure you're cool with this?

Artemis: Are YOU sure you're cool with this?

Frank: Artemis, You know i'm old fashioned: If I can go out and bang robot whoores, then you get to screw around too! It's only fair!

Artemis: I know, that's why we work so well! (Artemis seductively fawning over frank and then over cricket).

Cricket: A-and, you're not grossed out by my neck vagina?

Artemis: Please, you're just giving me more ideas! (Looks at cricket hungrily as she pushes him into her bedroom).

Frank: Ya know, I can always give you Dee’s ticket, slip her a mickey and throw her in there with cricket; I can't convince you to come? (under breath) it's gonna get pretty wild.

Artemis: Honey, Nothing's gonna be wilder for the next two days than the inside of this room. And after you've drained your positronic pocket pussy’s batteries of juice,and you come crawling home to mama; you’ll see my red light will still be on,and that's how you’ll know that my juices are still flowing. (snaps red light on shuts the door, can hear commotion and muffled cricket say: Oh my goodness). (Frank giggles and grins maliciously as he turns away from door).

Frank[voiceover]: And that, children, is how we all got on this train, and into this park; thanks to my scheming.

Mac: Ya know I hate to say it Frank, but I am impressed.

Dennis: Yeah, I mean usually your ideas turn to shit, but hey, law of averages is you have to eventually hit one out of the park eventually right? and clearly (motions all around him).

Charlie: Yeah, and I like how there were so many layers and angles, like a lasagna.

Dee: Uhh are you guys serious? My own father just said he was going to essentially have me date raped.

Mac: Woah, Dee those are harsh words, no need to be throwing around the R word.

Dennis: Well A, remember he's technically not our father, 2 he didn't go through with it, and 3: your on the train right now, (scoffs) so I anything you're kinda being a bitch.

Charlie (quietly and slowly): He does kinda have a point, four actually.

Dee: Oh am I Dennis? Am I being a bitch? And harsh words? What Frank said, and potentially would have done is way worse.

Frank: Is it Deandra? Any I worse than planning on murdering me and your brother for my dead whoore wife’s money?

Dee: I, wha- nooo c’mon, (blows raspberry) that was more like just a plan to outliv- Ya know what? Why are we even talking about this? We should be talking about - Frank,what do you want to do when we get to the park?

Frank: Hrm? Oh that's easy: I’m gonna bang a shitload of whoores.

Mac: That’s it?

Frank: emphm. (Chewing).

Charlie: Like, just boning for two days, straight?

Frank: (nodding) I wanna get my money's worth. Why would anyone want to do anything else?

Dennis: So Frank, when you say we all have do what you want, does that mean we are all just going to stand around and watch you sweatily hump for two days? Because that's not what I signed up for.

Everyone: nays.

Frank: Huh, I see your point. (Claps) new rule: You can do whatever the hell you want, just leave me alone.

Everyone: [cheers]

Mac: Yes! Sweet! (High fives and chest bumps Dennis, hoots).

Frank: But I'm tellin ya guys: eventually, you’re all gonna be doin what I'm doin so anything else you do is just wasting time. Dennis, you of all people should understand?

Dennis: (chuckles demeaningly, suave sinister voice) Actually Frank, I'm a bit disappointed. For someone who masterminded this whole thing I was expecting you to be thinking little bigger.

Frank: Don’t act like you all didn't bang the first one.

Everyone: Oh totally, absolutely, without question.

Dee: Uhh not gonna say no to free meat(scoffs).

Dennis: Of course frank, everyone banged their robots, that's why we're on the afternoon train.

Mac: Also we got seriously trashed.

Charlie: Oh so wasted dude.

Dee:Yeah that was actually really unlike us.

Frank: see?

Dennis: Now, while you are indeed correct that my sexual prowess has earned me legendary renown within the female community, you should also know that I'm a cerebral strategist, I’m all about the chase; the thrill of the hunt, the transformation of resistance, to resignation, and eventually Desire.

Dee: So your idea of seducing a woman is wearing her down unit she just gives up and has sex with you? How is that not rape?

Dennis: Wha-Nooo that's not- I think you are missing the part about the transition, the transition is the most important par-.

Mac: there she goes again with that ‘r' word.

Charlie: I don't think she knows what that word means.

Dee: What? Oh really Charlie, you're gonna tell me what words mean?

Dennis: Guys, guys, you are getting distracted again. This is so typical, you see that's why none of you will ever understand the deeper level of the game.

Charlie: Deeper level?

Mac: Game? What are you talking about? What game?

Dennis: C’mon guys do I really have to spell it out for you? At this moment we are on our way to a place where. You can do ANYthing (pauses) a place with no consequence (looks out the window).

Mac: Yeah, duh, this place was like made for people like us.

Charlie: Exactly, we're totally the kind of people that need like, a break from consequences.

Dee: Well I'll tell you guys what I'm gonna do: I’m gonna bag myself a rich asshole by pretending to be be a host. That's right: I'm going to use my acting abilities to pretend I'm host, and then when he realizes I’m not a host but really just an amazing actress, he’s gonna thrown wads of cash at me to jump start my acting career.

Mac: Dee that’s a terrible idea, no one is gonna throw anything at you beside garbage.

Dennis: Now see Dee, your mistake is that you're assuming that because they are not real that it would be easy to act like one, but what I don't think you realize just how terrible of an actress you truly are.

Dee: Wha- (scoffs) Well alright dickbone, so what are you gonna do?

Dennis (chuckles): Me? oh sweet, sweet Dee: What better place to resurrect the dead than a place where you can't die?

Mac: What? What are you talking about Bro?

Charlie: Yeah I still don't get it.

Dennis: I'm talking about: Brian Lefev. (Turns dramatically with sinister look).

Charlie: Is...is that that Dead Canadian dude that got stabbed behind the bar?

Dennis: What? Yes, but no- guys, you're missing the point here.

Mac: Yeah! Dennis almost banged a boy while pretending to be that guy.

Charlie: Oh I get it so you wanna bang kids while we're here? Is that it?

Dennis: What? Noo! I didn’t,, and I don't, and actually it turned out he was way over 18 anyway so…

Dee: Oh so you just want to bang dudes then, that's cool.

Dennis: (frustrated) Listen, Can you guys just forget about banging for two seconds? (calms) This place, isn't about finding what’s out there,..no. It's about finding out what what's in here ( points to himself) Really root around, get a good feel, find the man you alway knew you were on the inside.

Mac: (scoffs) Ok, dingus and what kind of man is that?(Charlie chuckles).

Dennis: Well...speaking as Brian Lefev, why, that's a man who could do... anything (sinister tone).

Frank: Screw that! You can keep your soul searching hippie crap! I already know what kind of man I am on the inside: It's the kind that gets on the inside a woman! Ha!

Everyone: hoots jeers

Mac: Ya know, I'm sorry Dennis, but I think I’m with Frank on this one: you’re thing sounds...creepy and...weird. I think what would be way more badass, is doing God's work (everyone groans, Mac motions everyone to hear him out) as a preacher bodyguard that stops bad guys by blasting their nips and dicks clean off (Mac whips out his pistol)*whoosh noises* Vic Vinegar! Gunslinger for God-Yeah!

Charlie: Oh yeah I was wondering about the whole collar thing.

Mac: Yeah it’s pretty sweet right?

Dennis: What? Are you serious dude? I just said I was going to play this evil.

Mac: Well, (Mac gets serious) then I guess I'll just have to stop you.

Dennis: Really? So in a place where you can do whatever you want, all you're going to do is try to keep me from doing whatever I want?

Mac: Well if that's what I want to do…

Dennis: You know what: fine. Fine!

Mac: Fine!

Dennis: You know this is ridiculous? How are you going to stop me? You can't even hurt me here! (Mac aims his Pistol at Dennis’ crotch and shoots between his legs missing his crotch). (Dennis looks at Mac indignantly, pulls his pistol and tries to shoot Macs crotch begin scuffling and shooting wildly).

Dee: Ahhhh! Get off me guys, seriously!? Come on!

Charlie: Wow this is so cool guys, everything looks so real, I don’t even feel the goggles on my face even!

Mac: What? Charlie what are you talking about dude?

Dennis: How many times do I have to explain this Charlie? This isn't VR, its real life.

Charlie: Are you sure?

Mac: Yes Charlie we are 1000% sure.

Charlie: Cuz I think I see the pixels when I shake my head really fast (shakes head really fast).

Mac: I don’t- stop that, that's not what that is.

Dennis: That’s probably just all the glue that you’'ve huffed over the years.

Charlie (waving hand in front of face): I dunno I think I might have to test this out.

Mac: How? How would you do that?

Charlie: Uhh...easy genius just jump off a cliff.

Mac and Dennis: What!? No! No jumping off cliffs Charlie. Do not jump off a cliff. You will die.

Charlie: I dunno that doesn't sound like being able to do whatever I want.

Mac: You know what Charlie, Fine go, go jump off a hundred cliffs and then get back to me.

Charlie: Alright, I'll let you know how it goes-(train whistles and breaks engage as train lurches to a stop).

Mac: We’re here!

(Segue music mixed with Ww theme plays )

(Establishing shot Ext train at station people disembarking)

Frank (getting off train): Right, ahh, see you losers, I'm off to get my dick wet! Have fun searching for nonsense haha! (Frank waddles off with a pair of hosts, One of which is Clementine).

Dennis: (shouting) Ok you go do that Frank (to gang)Thank God I was able to convince him to let us go on our own and do whatever we want, am I right guys?

Mac (gritty voice): Not everything you want, Not while I'm around.

Dennis: Are you really going to go through with this Mac?

Mac: Thats Father Vic Vinegar to you Lefev.

Dennis: Vic Vin-? No, you know what? Just’ just stay away from me!

Mac: or what? (Dennis Glares him down as he walks away)

Dennis: Just…(points).

Mac:That’s right Jabroni, keep walking! I got my eye on you! Ha, sure showed him huh Dee?

Dee(talking robotically): I’m sorry sir I didn’t see anything (does the robot).

Mac: Jesus Dee that is terrible!

Dee:Whaaat? no! That was dead on.Mac: What? Look around! Who is doing that? Nobody! They act normal just act normal.

Dee: Huh, I guess you're right. In that case, my plan is way easier than I thought.

Mac: How will it be easier Dee? Look how you’re dressed, You look like a giant bird! You're like a peacock Dee: you think you have these beautiful feathers, but really you’re just an ugly bird with a stupidly big tail living in the much eating grubs and shit.

Dee: Wha- I am no--Rrrrrrr! OK, fine you know what: you dickless birdbrains can go have fun stalking your pseudo boyfriend Dennis, Mac. Later turkeys, I'm off to bag me a man. (Turns and leaves, dragging giant dress in the dirt, cursing it).

Mac: You’re the bird Dee (chuckles)

Charlie: Yeah! Bird! Heh!

Mac: Alright Charlie, wish me luck, I'm off to take a tremendous dump all over anything Dennis tries to do!

Charlie: Alright!, but what should I do?

Mac: I really couldn’t give a shit Charlie, to be perfectly honest, you can do whatever you want.(walks off)

Charlie: (looks off and says slowly) What ever I want?

Cut to

Charlie walking down the street with a giant piece of disgusting cheese, like blue cheese, eating whole mouthful chewing with his mouth open grinning, looking around and laughing.Goes up to horse, laughs points at its face. Walks up to couple leans in, leans back and laughs spitting cheese all over them.

Cut to people pointing curiously.

Cut to Charlie entering general store.

Store clerk: Can I help you sir?

Charlie: Yes my good man, your finest can of paint please.

Clerk: Certainly sir. (Goes off)

(Charlie turns and leans on counter smiling at gawkers as they pass by. Clerk returns and places can of paint on counter, Charlie turns around).

Charlie: Ah hey buddy, what's this?

Clerk: A can of paint sir

Charlie: This the only paint you got? (Clerk nods) (Charlie looks taken aback then tilts his head in indifference) Charlie: Alright, alright I can give it a try the old fashioned way.

Cut to Charlie walking down middle of street with a open can of white paint in the crook of his left elbow spilling everywhere as he walks along. Still chewing on piece of cheese in left hand while dipping paintbrush in right hand into paint and sniffing the brush hesitantly as if checking to see if he was getting high. White paint streaked on his face. Charlie walks up to window display and whips paint on window with paintbrush, laughs as it sticks. Paint splashes everywhere, ignorant of people around him getting pissed. In window’s reflection he sees Liam standing behind him.

Liam: Hey Charlie.

Charlie: WOAH! Wai-wa-Liam? What are you…

Liam: Shhh stay frosty or you’ll blow my cover. (Positions Charlie and himself as if they were taking discreetly, but really is more strangely suggestive, like spooning). It's William now. You can be whoever you want in this place, so I duped this rube into thinking I want to marry his sister just so he’d bring me here.

Charlie: What? Are you serious? That’s pretty fucked up, even for you.

Liam: It's cool dude, I make sure to pull out... if it's not family.

Charlie: Well I guess that’s- wait what?

Liam: Don’t sweat it cheesepuff (Charlie checks to see if he smells like cheese in armpit [Shill has a large chunk of cheese in his hand]) I want you to know our beef is as squashed as milksteak (Charlie looks at him as if he’s speaking his Language).No, I’m here to bag one of these bang bots. Smuggle it home, teach it the ways of McPoyle. Think about it: we could train it to cry milk tears, have it feed the bloodline for eternity. (flicks his tongue)

Charlie: Ugh, gross. Yeah, well...what about that chick over there? She just dropped a can of milk…

Liam: What?! Where!?

Charlie: Uhh...that blonde girl in the blue dress?

Liam (slaps Charlie's shoulder where Liam stabbed him): She’s Perfect! Thanks Charlie, may you find yourself in this place,as I have! (Runs off)

Charlie: Great, yeah go, thank God.(bites into cheese like it was an Apple)

Woman a ways away with her friend giggling at Charlie and appear to be whispering something. Charlie smiles at them as he chews with his mouth open. One of the women walk up to him

Woman: Excuse me, are you a...host?

Charlie: Well, I'm more of a Janitor…

Woman: Oh… (looks disappointed)

[Mac’s voice in Charlies head: You can do whatever you want!]

Charlie: ...BUT, when there is no one else working at the bar,I do everything: I uhh...bartend, I, I entertain guests, so I guess you could say I’m a….host.

Woman (smiles): Oh, I never would have guessed they have you do so many things! You are absolutely wonderful!

Charlie (suavely): oh...well, thank you.

Woman: I’m a guest.

Charlie: Oh great, so you're not like the rest of these dummies.

Woman (chuckling) no. But my you are charming. Really; so grimy and...unconventional.

Charlie: Uhh...okay.

Woman: I could never get away with being with someone like you where I'm from, but here… I could have my way with you, no?

Charlie: I uh-ye-n-I mean, whatever the answer you want is...to...be? (Charlie looks at her strangely to see if she’ll buy it)

Ugh! How do they make you like that? You're perfect! Promise you won't tell anyone?

Charlie: I promise I’ll tell you I won't tell anyone!

(Both laugh)

Woman: Is that some of your...host humor?

Charlie (still laughing): why not? (Both continue laughing Charlie tosses cheese, can, and brush. Puts’s his arm around her and they walk off screen).

Segue music End scene


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