To the 'Dad' I never wanted either

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
a letter i wrote as part of my new years goals for 2017. finally got around to writing it , it helped a lot! would definitely recommend it if there is anyone who has a situation similar to mine , its incredibly freeing!

Submitted: April 23, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 23, 2017

A A A

A A A


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You don’t want me. I’m the reminder of a life that you wanted to work but ruined. I’m the eyes that remind you of the woman who you couldn’t control. I’m the laugh that grates your nerves because you will never be the one to make it break free. I’m the person who would have shown what real love would feel like, but you couldn’t handle such a challenge. I’m the heart that u nicked and whenever I think about you all I feel is rejection. Rejection. Even the word is hurtful, and you did it to a 2 day old baby. Doesn’t that scare you, that you were able to look into pure and innocent eyes and you could turn your back on them. I know it’s not my fault. I should hate you, but all I feel towards you is pity, remorse and gratefulness. Pity because you let all that anger and hatred cloud the love and happiness we could have shared together. I pity the fact that your so damaged that you allow your vemonness viper come out to play against your own flesh and blood. I’m remorseful because I know you weren’t born that way. You were born just like I was, full of life and light. I’m remorseful because you have turned into the man who in your own life let you down again and again. I can’t even begin to imagine looking into a mirror and being disgusted by what you see. And I’m sorry for that. Because no one should let themselves get into such a dark, loneliness place.

But that doesn’t excuse you of what you have done. I know the past is the past and a mistake is a mistake. You may see me as a mistake but I wouldn’t change the way this relationship has panned out. I wouldn’t want to have a magical wand to change the past so we could live happily ever after. But I want you to know that I don’t hold you in a place as a father, you’re just a man who broke my heart before I even have a chance to know how to deal with that.

But what you’ve done doesn’t even belong to me, that’s the kicker. I’m not the reason you even did it. You’re putting the emotions you have for someone else onto me and I don’t want to carry them anymore. I don’t want to feel my eyes filling with tears whenever you’re brought up in conversations. I don’t want to look across the table at my sister and think about all the pain you’ve put into her heart. I don’t want to hold any feelings at all towards you. I’ve never asked you for anything , I didn’t even ask to come and meet you in the first place, but I’m the one who cries whenever I think about you,  who gets treated like a burden. I’m the one who answers the phone to you and I don’t even get a hello, just a cold voice. I’m the one your family pretended to treat as part of the family but got no real love from. I’m the one who has forgiven you for something that many would never forgive.  I’m the one who holds no anger or hatred towards you, when I should be the main candidate.

But I do want thank you. Thank you for not letting me be one of those girls that have their heads in the cloud, dreaming about the perfect family and life, because you tore that down the minute you rejected me and wouldn’t give me the acknowledgement of being your daughter. You allowed me to paint a new picture and for that I’m grateful. Thank you for giving me my first taste of heartbreak, because now I know that when something goes wrong it’s not all my fault. Thank you for being so cold towards me, because now I at least know that everyone isn’t a good human being.

  But most of all, thank you for leaving me. Because if you hadn’t I wouldn’t have the life I have right now. I wouldn’t be able to feel so much love towards my family because you would have shredded my hearts to pieces. I wouldn’t have looked at myself in the mirror and smiled at what I saw, because you would have trampled my self-esteem. I wouldn’t be able to look up at you and smile because you would break my spirit when I saw no love shining back through your eyes. I wouldn’t be able to love myself like I do if you were in my life, because I am the biggest reminder of a woman that you loved, married and almost destroyed. You would have destroyed my soul.

So thank you.

 

Thank you for being the dad I never wanted.


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