THE PLAGUE LICH HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS

THE PLAGUE LICH HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Houses:

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Houses:

Summary

FEAR THE PLAGUE LICH. Please?
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Summary

FEAR THE PLAGUE LICH. Please?

Content

Submitted: April 26, 2017

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: April 26, 2017

A A A

A A A


THE PLAGUE LICH HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS

 

The seemingly empty rocking chair rocked back and forth. ‘I AM THE PLAGUE LICH,’ cackled its invisible occupant, ‘WOE AND DESPAIR – ’

‘Keep it down, The Plague Lich,’ Jenny shouted from the living room.

‘JENNY.’ The Plague Lich swooped down from the ceiling.

‘I’m trying to watch the Kardashians, I don’t want to hear your monologue again.’

‘YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE.’

‘You’ve been saying that for the past two weeks.’

‘THE BLACK DAY WILL COME WHEN...’

Jenny grabbed the television remote and turned up the TV’s volume.

‘LISTEN WELL…‘

Louder.

‘… ON THE NEXT FULL MOON… ‘

Louder.

‘JENNY. PLEASE LISTEN TO MY THREAT.’

 ‘Go away, The Plague Lich! God you’re such an attention whore!’

‘IF YOU DON’T LISTEN I’M GOING TO RATTLE THE PIPES AGAIN.’

‘Oh, not again.’

‘YOU WILL SUFFER MY WRATH.’

The Plague Lich melted through the wall and gripped the house’s water pipes in his gnarled hands. He shook them as hard as he could, and they produced an awful screech.

Janet and Roy were doing the dishes when they heard the screeching. Janet was washing and Roy was drying.

‘The Plague Lich is rattling the pipes again,’ he muttered.

‘Mhmm,’ said Janet. ‘He really shouldn’t do that, what if one of them breaks? It’ll cost a fortune.’

‘Well what can we do?’ said Roy. ‘He can’t stop himself. He loves rattling pipes and opening doors and whispering evilly.’

‘I think he must be autistic,’ said Janet.

The Plague Lich appeared before them, his lips curled in a cruel smile. ‘YOU SUMMONED ME?’

 ‘No, The Plague Lich,’ said Janet.

‘INSOLENT WOMAN!’

The plates clinked and clattered.

‘Well, we do want to talk to you about something actually, The Plague Lich,’ said Roy.

‘YOU WISH TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME?’

‘Yes,’ said Roy.

‘GET THE OUIJA BOARD.’

‘We don’t need the board,’ said Roy. ‘We’re talking right here and now. See?’

‘VERY WELL. YOU ARE LUCKY, HUMAN. I WAS GOING TO USE THE OUIJA BOARD TO FURTHER MY OWN INSIDIOUS SCHEME.’

‘Oh, right. Anyway, listen… it’s about the pipes,’ said Roy.

‘Yes,’ said Janet. ‘We know how you like to rattle the pipes, we get that it’s a safe space for you, but we’re worried you might break them.’ She continued scrubbing.

‘THE PIPES WILL RATTLE IF I DEEM IT NECESSARY.’

‘Yes, but the costs, The Plague Lich,’ said Roy. ‘You’re going to end up breaking them. Can’t you just… hold them when you go in there? Do you have to rattle them?’

‘IF IT’S A DEAL YOU WANT…’ The Plague Lich withdrew an ancient yellowed sheet of paper from nowhere and presented it. ‘YOU MUST SIGN THE CONTRACT. THEN YOU MAY ASK WHATEVER YOU WISH OF ME.’ He placed it on the table. ‘AT A PRICE,’ he attempted to whisper.

‘Oh not another cursed contract,’ said Janet.

‘I don’t suppose you’ll give me a pen?’ said Roy, putting away some plates.

‘NO. YOU HAVE TO SIGN IT IN YOUR OWN BLOOD.’

Roy ignored what was written:

I, HUMAN BEING, SURRENDER MY SOUL TO THE PLAGUE LICH BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO DO MY BIDDING. I CAN’T BACK OUT OF THIS BECAUSE IT’S A CONTRACT AND IT’S LEGAL. NO-ONE CAN STOP ME.

Roy looked straight at the bottom, pricked the middle finger of his left hand (the fingers on his right were still sore) and smeared blood across the bottom of the document. He didn’t bother writing his name out last time and he didn’t bother this time.

The Plague Lich snatched the contract away and made it disappear. ‘HA! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE?’

‘Yes, The Plague Lich. My soul, I know,’ said Roy.

‘YOUR SOUL!’

‘Are you going to stop rattling the pipes now?’

‘I WILL STOP RATTLING THE PIPES NOW.’

Terry walked through the front door. He was with a friend and The Plague Lich rushed towards them.

‘TERRY.’

‘Fuck off Plague Lich.’

‘FUCK OFF THE PLAGUE LICH,’ corrected The Plague Lich.

‘What is that thing?’ Terry’s friend asked.

‘Our squatter,’ said Terry. He took his shoes off and placed them on the shoe rack. ‘He just turned up one day and said he’s gonna haunt this house. The sad case doesn’t have a life or any friends, so he just hangs around here all day. Proper hermit. Take your shoes off, by the way. Mum doesn’t like shoes in the house.’

‘TERRY’S FRIEND,’ said The Plague Lich, ‘DO YOU WANT TO SIGN MY CONTRACT?’

‘Uhh, no,’ said Terry’s friend, taking off his shoes.

‘SUCH INSOLENCE!’ The Plague Lich raged.

‘Hello boys!’ Janet called from the kitchen.

‘Hi mum,’ said Terry. I brought my mate Daniel, is that alright?’

‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Try to ignore The Plague Lich, Daniel.’

‘I will, Mrs. Arnold,’ said Daniel.

Daniel and Terry walked into the kitchen and raided the cupboards, leaving The Plague Lich alone in the hallway. Roy and Janet were still washing and drying the dishes.

‘So what banishing materials have we got so far?’ Roy asked his wife.

Janet sighed. ‘There’s still a lot we need. We’ve got the gecko tail and the cat skull, but I don’t know when we’re going to have time to learn how to do The Dance of a Thousand Screams or get two litres of the blood of a virgin.’

Jenny shouted from the living room, ‘why don’t you just sacrifice Terry? He lied about losing his virginity!’ She shrieked with laughter.

‘I did not!’ said Terry. His face blazed red.

‘Well, we’ve still got salt, at least,’ said Roy quickly. ‘You know - to make the circle.’

‘Actually we’ve only got pepper,’ said Terry.

‘That’ll probably do,’ said Roy.

‘IF YOU’RE TRYING TO BANISH ME,’ said The Plague Lich, now floating into the room, ‘YOU WILL ALSO HAVE TO DISCOVER THE ORIGINS OF MY MYSTERIOUS DEATH AND FIND MY REMAINS.’

‘God, see what he does?’ Terry said to Daniel. ‘Just pawns his weird habits and problems off on everyone else. I think he’s got OCD. C’mon, let’s go play Mario Kart. I hate ghosts, all they do is moan.’

The two boys, now armed with crisps, dashed upstairs.

Roy turned his back on The Plague Lich. ‘I googled his death earlier today actually. His name when he was alive was Stefan Snibbles.’

‘THAT NAME NO LONGER HAS ANY MEANING. ALSO DON’T TELL TERRY ABOUT THAT.’

‘Don’t worry, we won’t,’ said Janet. ‘We know you have self-esteem issues.’

‘I actually found out his cause of death pretty quickly,’ Roy told his wife. ‘He fell down a cliff because he was chasing a squirrel.’

‘IT TRICKED ME.’

Roy moved his head closer to his wife’s ear and lowered his voice. ‘He was a – ’

‘I WAS TAKEN TOO SOON FROM THIS WORLD,’ The Plague Lich howled, ‘THAT IS WHY I STILL ROAM AND WAIL.’

‘Well, that’s fine and everything,’ said Janet, who had also turned her back on him, ‘but why do you persist in haunting our house? Shouldn’t you haunt the cliff?’

‘We’ve discussed this,’ Roy said to her. ‘You know that just confuses him.’

‘Well, we found your remains in any case,’ said Janet. ‘The nice man at the cemetery took us to your grave, didn’t he Roy?’

‘Yeah even he had trouble finding it,’ said Roy. ‘Your grave was all the way at the back, hidden behind foliage.’

 ‘OH.’

‘It had the cutest message on there,’ said Janet. ‘It read: ‘Stefan Snibbles: He Tried His Best’.’ Roy and Janet laughed together.

Stefan Snibbles sank into the floor and sat underneath the house. ‘THE INSOLENT WILL PAY,’ he snivelled. ‘THEY’LL ALL PAY.’

‘Shut up, Snibbles!’ Terry shouted.

END


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