Restless Depression

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just a small peek into where my mind wanders during my darkest of times.

Submitted: April 28, 2017

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Submitted: April 28, 2017

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Frozen in a timeless hole, I watch birds ever so slowly hover above me in the baby blue skies just below the clouds. It looks as if they are stuck, left to drift overhead without being able to venture from their formation whatsoever and although the atmosphere is calming, my breathing is unstable, making me feel as though the oxygen inside me is trying desperately to escape from within me.Warm floods begin to stream down from my face that cause my vision to blur ever so slightly, however just below the rivers lies a smile that shines through the gloominess. I tremble as my sobs become more hysterical but even still I am at peace. The silence around me caresses and cradles my anxious self, as if to reassure me that everything is alright. Still looking around at my surroundings, I see the beautifully vibrant flowers being tickled by an unapparent wind like children wrestling one another but slowed just enough that one would believe they were at rest. At my chest, my arms protect me, like armor, from the ever growing emotions that battle valiantly within me making it difficult to control myself. The tears trickling down my face continue on, although seemingly less now. As my mind grows blank, the silence invades me once again but this time it pulls and tugs at me to alert me of my solitude. I become aware of the lonely feeling down in my gut, who is turning with anxiety. My arms begin to release themselves from their grip around me to find their way towards the ground, allowing me to recline and rest upon the cold green blades beneath me. The grass, nestling around my entire body feels soothing as my impatient self begins to relax. I run my fingers down the grass, feeling it and wrapping it around them gently. My breathing is slowed now and the tears have come to a complete halt. I feel it now. I feel calm. The bright sky displays the clouds for me like a personal show as if it were telling me to smile and enjoy myself, to enjoy life, but on my forehead I feel a slight wetness find its way to me. Rain. The bright world encloses me like armor as the rain falls hurriedly down towards earth. Even still, the sun shines valiantly above. Pridefully the sun shines, warming my body as the rain saturates me.

All around me, the sounds pitter-pattering envelope my sense of hearing and somewhere in the distance I can hear the quiet breeze of flowers dancing, but I remain still, taking in the world but the world had different plans for me. As the skies grew darker, the crackling sound of thunder roared in my ears and made my body tremble to its uproar. In the sky, I can see the brief shatter of lightning. I quickly rise, shocked by the sudden change of my once beautiful world then I recollect my thoughts and begin running. From fear, from curiosity, from dread, I run as fast as my body would allow me to. My lungs forcefully pound alongside my heart from the sudden rush, my knees weakened and my head empty and without thought. I once again see the green grass ahead of me only now it’s transitioning to shades of brown and grey as signs of death become evident. The beautiful flowers are withered and motionless as they’ve succumbed to the violent storm. Suddenly I lose my grip from the slippery soil and tumble down to intermingle with the grass once more. Tears make their way to my cheeks once more and at that time I can feel sharp blades grip at my wrists, holding me down, pinning me to earth. They grip down into me, tighter and tighter, suppressing my breathing and at my wrists I can feel the merciless blades slowly slice through. I wince in pain, not able to make noise as my chest is being held tightly by the earth. The world now starts to embrace my entire body like a coffin, as I am trapped my thoughts run wild. I can’t die yet, not yet. But it isn’t my choice anymore. I’ve become a slave to this unknown force, shackled at my wrists and locked in a rusted cage. Over and over again this replays, driving me into complete insanity. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t. Slowly I give in. I am restless after years of fighting for my freedom to live, to live happily amongst others who are just like me but somehow I can no longer keep up this facade. As my breathing slows, the aggressive earth loosens its grip until  it is only tenderly holding me.It now knows I have been conquered. My eyesight shifts into black and now as I lay here, I am emerged into the world. Once again I feel whole, as I’ve found my place with the stars and my home with the universe.

 


© Copyright 2017 Wolfie Pheng. All rights reserved.

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