Untrue

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Life is Life
The truth inside you depends on what only you can believe

Submitted: May 14, 2017

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Submitted: May 03, 2017

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I am a liar. This may be true yet only I will be able to know what lies behind these lying brown eyes. A short story this may be but that doesn't mean it isn't true. But I guess that's up to you to decide, isn't it? I'm not sure what lies in my future. For the longest time, I didn't see one. I am all different shades of fucked up I must admit. The first step is acknowledgement as they all say. I didn't want to die . But I didn't think I could survive for much longer. I never planned on turning eighteen. I guess this universe had other plans. I lost a friend. And I'll never see those bright blue eyes again. They've gotten lost somewhere between a sad story and a difficult truth to bear. I scream sometimes, and I wish he could hear. Suicide is never the answer. Is it even a choice? When you feel like there is no other way... Is it really you who can decide? It hurts, time doesn't let me forget how much farther away he gets with each passing moment. And I've tried, the pills, the writing. The sleepless nights only seem to get longer. I wonder if Cody felt the same. I wonder if that's why he decided to leave us. To leave me. Words can reopen the wound but in a way it can dull the sharp burn memories leave on my skin. 

Three times I have tried. Death has rejected me and booted me out the door. Maybe one of these days I'll get the point. Let go of the past and try to move on. But why does that seem to hurt worse than losing you in the first place? A bottle of vodka and a container of pills. How silly was I to think it would fix anything? When I woke up, the sun burned it's memory into my eyes and I was carried away a different person. Part of me did die I suppose, and twice more after that. So terrified to reach for more than I was given. So quick to take what wasn'tmine. I tried to leave when it wasn't my time. I have to admit my mistakes before I can ever move on. I will have to use my own two feet to walk forward in this life but I will continue to feel you beside me. I am forced to wonder at times if it's only pity I feel and if it's only pathetic what I am. Whatever answer it is, I never want to find out. All I can ever do anymore is hope tomorrow the sun will shine a bit brighter and the birds sing a bit louder so as to drown out the vision of losing you and the sound of never hearing you lose your voice. I am so sorry Cody, and I hope you can feel me when I say that I miss you so fucking much. Immortal in my head is what you will be. Live on with me forever.


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