him.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: May 13, 2017

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Submitted: May 13, 2017

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As she lay in her bed whilst the sun stirred her from her sleep. She rattled her gentle mind on the subject.
The terrifying, unknown substance of the infamous emotion of "love".  

He was vulgar, he was offensive, he was lost. Behind the fumes of his cigerette, he would disappear into his own world. 
A world that looked lonely and distant. A world where she knew she would end up more lost than he ever was. 
She thought to herself "Just let it be. Everything in this world comes and goes as it pleases. You have no control.
You never have; You never will". 

From the moment we are born. We are told what is fair, what is wrong and right and whom to show respet to and how
we go about doing that. We are then placed on a path that is paved for us. On the edge of our pathway 
were the cement and gravel meet. Lies chaos and the "isness" of life. She knew that standing on the edge of her 
perfectly paved pathway. He would be there standing amongest the chaos............

She wanted to save him. From his own sadness. How was she supposed to help someone who was not prepared to help 
themselves? She spent time with him. Learning that when he smiled it would raise just enough to show his slight
chipped tooth. She traced maps across his skin knowing every bump and cravess. Knowing that everytime she would 
see the ocean, the blueness would never compare to the depth of his eyes. She laughed at his jokes, even when they
weren't funny. She became his best friend.

One evening, when the sky was drained of its milky clouds and then filled with heavenly stars and the emotionless moon. 
He kissed her. She didnt know if it was because he had so much sadness in his heart, but he kissed like
he needed to be kissed, like he was aching all over. 

Have you ever been in love? Tell me how something can be so beautiful but so, so awful at the exact same time. It seeps in to your soul
slowly opening your heart to let someone inside to mess you all up. You give this one person a peice of you. Why? They didnt
ask for it. You dont realise how deep you fall until they wrong you.

You're up at 2am wondering where they are, and why they have been so distant
lately. You wonder if maybe they woke up to watch you sleep, slowly noticing all of your flaws and all of things you hate about yourself. 
Your mind wont stop thinking. What have i done? why am i not good enough? why would he tell me he loved me and then go and give it all to someone else?

The memorable months went on and she grew to know everything about him. What made him happy, what made him sad. She knew his favourite color was brown, not like
the gross brown but more like soft wood. He told her quietly under his breath "its my favourite colour because no one else likes it, kind of like me". He never wished
to be easily defined, he'd rather float softly over other peoples minds. Like a transparent irridecsent creature rather than a human being. His eyes would
squint at the sides because his cheeks would raise to squish them. When he was happy, he was so happy. Though when he was sad, he was so, so sad. 

His eyes would not be beautiful they would turn grey and be filled with misery. His cheeks would not raise instead they would be covered in streams
of his tears. His smile would not raise to show his slight chipped tooth, rather his smile would not smile at all. She tried so hard, everyday to make him happy. She took him to the beach because
she knew it would bring him serendity.

She danced down the hallway singing her favourite song. She played his favourite movies and made sure his friends always came over.
She showed him affection and love. She was always there whenever he needed anything.
It was never, ever enough. She stopped laughing at his jokes, well because he didnt make them anymore. She stopped loving herself because he did not show her any.
She stopped caring about her life and her friends because all she wanted was for him to be okay. He became distant. Leaving at midday to come home at midnight.
Letting her go to sleep when she was crying right beside him. He stopped calling her beautiful like it was her name, he stopped calling her anything. 

She stopped caring. About him, about her life and about her friends. She just stopped. She didnt know what
to do anymore? what else could she possibly of done to be enough for him. It was draining her. The arguements started. She started to hate him. They
were always picking at eachother, every single day. Fighting, crying, leaving. 
She was Always rattling her brain as to why he was doing this. What did she do to deserve it? What has she done that was so awful? She left him.

She left like he was nothing to her. 
Not because she did not have love for him, but because sometimes in life you cannot have what you want. Sometimes we outgrow people, there may not be an explanation
as to why. Though you must respect the change as they are going down a different path in life. She went out to a friends birthday. At that point the vodka just
burned the back of her throat and left an aching taste in her mouth. She thought to herself "just like the last kiss we shared".

The alchol didnt make her feel the way he could. Though she continued to look for a substance to replace the taste of his lips and something to make her feel whole again. Because when he left
he a took a peice of her with him.


One evening, when the sun left a smear of orange along the horizon. She went out with a close friend. She deserved it right? to have fun and be happy? 
She drank until the lights wouldnt stay still. She drank until she was numb. She danced like it was the last time she was ever going to be able to. 


She danced until she couldnt feel her legs anymore. She kissed guys hoping their lips would make her soul dance around her belly like his used to. Her friend told her 
its time to go home. Her friend told her that she needs to stop kissing strangers pretending thats its him. Walking home when the breeze turned from warm 
and  cripsy to freezing and morbid. He was there, walking home, at the same time. He stopped and before he could show her his stupid chipped tooth she screamed
at him. "One day its going to hit you like a ton of fucking bricks, that i loved you with every inch of me, and you miss how it feels" and she left saying
"i honestly hope that you are one day as happy as you pretended to be". 


She forgot things could end. But it did. It had been sometime since she saw him. And she couldnt figure out why she was still up at 3am relating everything
to him. Hating him for bringing her out of hell and placing her right back in the middle of it. She remembered the first time he said "I love you" and
she didnt feel anything. Until the last time he said it and she felt fucking everything. Always thinking and dreaming and writing about him. She couldnt 
figure out how someone could make her smile in the same minute they could make her cry. Hes moved on now. She wished that he would 
love his new partner as much as she loved him. She hoped his new girl would put the stars back in his eyes and kiss his scars to heal his wounds like she once tried to.


She woke up differently one morning. She didnt know how long she had been sitting in silence for, but she could her heart beating in her ears. She was seeing
things differently. Everything was entering her soul and mind with more love and graefulness. For this she didnt know why. She had woken up to be someone else.
She had grown and her interior was new. She wanted to tell someone, how much she has grown and changed. But who? As she was no longer the person that she was
so it would be obvious that she has no friends and she surely could not write to strangers. 

She jumped out of her bed like the springs inside it became alive. She stretched like she was reaching for the sun, and she put on her favourite song. As she 
danced down the hallway sliding on the white and grey speckled tiles. She realised that she was so done with putting energy into people who clearly do not want it.


She was done with figuring out who was on her side, against her or walking down the middle. She said humbly to herself "Validation is for parking and loyalty is
a lifestyle". She sang and she danced as she now knew that life is too short to keep her happiness in someone elses pocket. That past cannot be changed so
she was not to dwell on it. Time is crucial and is the most important healer. She wanted to go and let everyone know that she had changed and that she was
sorry. She was not going to be a prisoner inside herself for another minute. She would be selfish for a while. Learning to love herself and to not rely on
anyone else to be happy. 

I want to tell you. Heartbreak will happen more than once, and it gets harder each time. That person you think would never let you down, will. You will
break peoples hearts, so remember how it feels and be gentle. You will hurt your friends because you will take them for granted. You will push amazing people
away because you are scared that they are exactly the same as the last person that broke your heart.

Though you need to remember to stay in your power. Make sure you are in love with yourself before you go and give it to someone else. Because they will drop
it, they will drop it every single time. Be happy on your own, knowing your inner beauty and self worth. Know what you deserve and how to be treated.

Learn that when helping a loved one, there is a point where you need to ask them are you going to help me help you? Because you cannot help someone who isnt prepared 
to help themselves. One day you will look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up. I know its hard right now and you cant find
any light at the end of your tunnel. But i am telling you that there is always a solution to a problem. Give it time, do not be impatient. Self love does 
not happen overnight. You will soon learn to love all the things about you that people may not clap for. 

Dont ever hold back on your feelings. Tell them that you stayed up till 2am because you miss them. Tell them all the things they do to make you happy. 
Love is not a weakness. Tell people you love them as often as you want. It does not mean it loses its meaning. Lets all tell the people we love
why they mean so much to us. When you think youre in love, stop and think.

Tell me about their dreams, and their childhood. Whats breaks their heart and what theyre passionate about. Tell me a story about them  that you are not in. 
You have caressed their body and touched their skin. But you still know as much about them as that book your friend gave you and you never quite got around
to opening it up. Tell me why they are the kind of person you wish to dream about because expiriencing them in reality is not enough.


Time is such a precious thing in our lives. You must try not to take it for granted. Every minute of sadness is a minute you cannot get back. Be kind, always.
At the end of the day you feel much better knowing that you are the person who smiled than the one who did not smile back. No act of kindess, however small, is ever 
wasted. One day you will forget the reasons you cried, the hurt and the person who made you feel this pain. You will realise the secret to being free is to 
not hold revenge but let things go gracefully as they will eventually unfold in their own way.

 

Holding onto anger is like drinking posion and 
expecting the other person to die. Do not let the negative things in our world deflect you from 
seeing all the beauty. So set yourself free and do not be afraid to love again. After all it is not the first chapter of our lives that matter, but the last.
Which shows how well we have ran this race called life. 

You will learn that you cannot be fixed by the same person who broke you. And one day a person will come into your life that makes you forget about yesterday
and dream about tomorrow. So fill your heart with whats important and be done with the rest. I am now left behind the fumes of my cigerette. And i hope my 
teeth do not rot out of my skull before I get the chance to tell you that your arms are the safest place i have ever been and I am so greatful to have had my
heart broken by you.


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