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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: May 15, 2017

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Submitted: May 15, 2017

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Let me just ask,

What is your reason for waking up in the morning?

Would it be, school?

Could it be work?

I doubt that..

Maybe, the first thing on your mind is a person.

I don’t doubt that.

 

We all have different things that we wake up for.

And, it's a difficult thing,

Finding something to wake up for.

And something that I’ve discovered myself is,

It's easy to have nothing to wake up for.

We all have one stage,

We all have one time where we’re dedicated to something.

It could be an activity, it could be a person, it could be an ideal.

And you wake up every morning to honor that dedication.

It's like a farmer who wakes up at six or seven in the morning,

And the first thing he thinks of is his work and being outside.

It's because he has cause, a responsibility.

A dedication.

He’s got livestock to feed, cows to milk,

Sheep to shear

Muck to spread.

What do you have?

 

I had things that I got up for.

There were times where I’d get up in the morning,

And I’d think about school.

There were times where I’d wake up and think,

“What should I explore today?”

Should I play my guitar?

Should I watch a new film?

Sometimes I’d wake up and think, it’s Wednesday.

Which meant the World of Warcraft raid resets were today.

Being the ultimate nerd, I’d have stuff like that on my mind.

It may sound silly but it was still something.

Something I could get up for.

 

Everyone else has something too.

They wake up and think,

I should text my girlfriend good morning.

She likes it when I do that.

Some people wake up and think,

I better just check I finished my homework or assignment.

Some adults think of feeding the kids breakfast.

Sending them on their way to school.

Some teachers just think “Fuck.”

“Another day babysitting”.

In my experience it doesn’t matter if you love it or hate it.

It's still a cause.

A reason to wake up in the morning.

 

Like I say, I used to have something.

These days I wake up at around seven,

And the first thing I do is roll over and close my eyes again.

I wake up again at nine,

Nothing to do, no commitments.

So I roll over, close my eyes.

Back to sleep.

Wake up at eleven and think,

May as well get up.

It's a strange process when you don't have something to wake up for.

No commitments, no job.

The days when I don't have university,

The days when I don't have work,

There's nothing.

 

After the third time waking up,

I just lay there and think.

But I have no cause.

There’s nothing to think about.

It's all empty.

And then you drag yourself out of bed and it's such a journey.

What should take only five seconds feels like five lifetimes.

In the time it takes for you to sit up on the edge of the bed,

The Romans could have built another colosseum

And then the time comes,

You’re sitting on the edge of your bed.

You’re hunched over.

You spread your legs far away from each other,

Like magnets.

Your feet are almost a mile away from you.

Everything seems far away.

The edge of the bed is in America,

Your guitar across the room looks like it's in Australia.

All the while you look down at the floor.

And you’d think at this moment in time there would be something going through your head,

But there’s nothing.

Nothing’s revolving, nothing's happening it's just,

White noise.

And then a thought does cross your mind and you think,

Is this how it feels to be dead?

 

No thoughts, no emotions,

Nothing.

And you try to distract yourself and fill the empty space,

But there’s nothing,

You try and think of your job,

But you just think I’ll be going back in two days,

To the regular routine again.

You try to think about university but,

There isn't even any point thinking about that.

You try to think all these thoughts and all the while,

You’ve been staring at the floor for an hour.

What is there to do?

 

But there is something.

Just try differently.

If you don't have a cause, find one.

And if you can’t find one then make one.

You can't live your entire life in the endless cycle,

Opening your eyes and closing them again,

Sometimes even wishing that they wouldn’t open again.

That you wouldn’t see that usual wall next to the bed.

The creamy white wall that has that weird pattern in it.

When you run your fingers over it its rough,

Like elephant skin.

There’s so many bumps and marks.

You see that same wall every morning.

You need to break out of that cycle,

Of heaving yourself up.

As if you need a thousand man army to push your back,

And force you out of bed.

And being stuck on an endless motorway of thought.

Always going but never feeling like you're moving.

Because that's what a cycle is.

It's like a motorway.

You are driving and moving,

But you’re not.

You feel like you're endlessly going down this road with no end,

You have no destination but all the while you keep thinking,

Am I moving?

Am I going to get anywhere?

What even is the point of being on this motorway?

Why can't I just leave it?

Why can't I just go?

You can't go.

You need something to hold on to.

You need a cause.

A dedication.

 

So dedicate yourself.

To something or anything.

An ideal, a journey, a person.

Because that's all everyone needs in life,

One thing.

All you need, really,

Is something new.

 


© Copyright 2017 J.J. Matthews. All rights reserved.

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