Was it Them?

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The inner squabble of a young girl’s mind when faced with her reality.

Submitted: May 16, 2017

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Submitted: May 16, 2017



She always wondered why she cared so much of what others thought. It was her family.  She had been so blinded and refused to believe that they could be an incubus of anything other than love, but she slowly realized they played a monumental role in her existence. Every decision she ever took was carefully calculated, weighed and often pursed based on its effects. Not just effects on her, but her family as well. 

She cared too deeply but that wasn’t their fault… or was it?

She was brought up believing that family never leaves and that family is the only thing that mattered.  It was beautiful, the relationship her family held, like no other; could such a beautiful thing create such madness?

She thought she had escaped from their firm grasp when she left, but here  she was again coming back to the same cycle.  She felt herself shrinking away from the pulls of family responsibility and personal responsibility.  She wanted it all to cease.  She wanted to stop overthinking and obsessing about being a good daughter, sister, friend, and human, and to stop trying to be neutral and unbiased in an increasingly divided world.  As she looked outside she saw the sky shedding the tears she had to hold back. Maybe it was  a moment of rage, yes it had to be a rage induced thought to think negatively of her most prized possession. Yet, she couldn’t help but wonder if it really was that far off.  She always strived for perfection, if she got below an A in grade school she felt defeated…was that her? or was that her parents?

At some point her life became about making her parents proud, but isn't that what anyone can hope for.  Deep down she understood why she needed them to be proud; they had sacrificed so much, she couldn't let them down. 

Being the last of four children is tough.  Its walking on eggshells, a double sided mirror; people only see the benefits, but what about the drawbacks?  The pressure to outperform your siblings and to be as perfect as humanly possible to not cause your parents worry. She had seen time and time again her parents hurt by the naive choices of her predecessors, and she refused to cause them pain.  Maybe it was because she had been just as hurt by them as her parents.  So she danced when they said dance, and she tried endlessly to help, but at one point she chose herself.  She flew solo and in it’s uniqueness she felt nostalgic to the shackles.  She realized everything she had left behind and it scared her, to be solely responsible for herself. She survived nonetheless and soon felt comfort in herself, trusting herself to live freely and unbounded.  She flew, but when tragedy struck she couldn't help migrating home, leaving her newly found flight.  She questioned herself time and time again, was this the right thing to do? She exhausted herself trying to deduce her reasoning.  It was all in vain, because in the end the reasons didn't matter; she had made her choice and she liked her word to be worth something.  As she reflected on her life she found she had sprouted, just in time for Spring.  Her reflection revealed her flaws, but she only saw strength.  She saw a woman where once stood a girl,and that gave her confidence in her unsure future.  So yes the struggle between self and family remains, a constant tug of war between selfishness and selflessness.  She realizes it won’t ever go away, not because of her family but because she was given too big a heart.  It was hard: caring too much, she wondered what it was like to not care at all, but everything has its downfalls.. no?

She felt guilty, yes that was it, it raised every hair on her body.  Remember that flight to freedom? it wasn't free, it was an illusion and she felt guilty for taking a free ride while her parents suffered the burden.  She had to let it go; she realized it, but it was easier said than done.  Indebted with her parents she would always be, and she wished she could give them everything they never denied her, but that seemed so far away…

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