Averageness Factor

Averageness Factor

Status: Finished

Genre: Memoir

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Status: Finished

Genre: Memoir

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Submitted: May 20, 2017

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Submitted: May 20, 2017

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Imagine you're a handsome man who goes past life as if it were a game of "go-fish" -  fun and effortless. Every day goes by with something new and exciting to do. Your IQ level makes you accomplish almost everything and its paired with a "I really wanna do him!" looks. And on top of that,  you live on a badass yacht and got a knockout VIP account in the Bank of China. With all that you get so many girls you stop counting them as "many" - u use the term "much" instead. You're healthy as wolverine (not "a" but "the") and all is peachy... I bet you've already figured the person isn't the one writing this story. That guy is so ugly he could double Freddy Kruger, without make-up. Anything close to a bank account is his  Tesco card and his wits enable him to eat with fork and knife (using both hands at the same time!) or walk and chew a gum simultaneously. Well, actually I'm neither. I'm something else. The insignificantly unique kind of an average guy.

At school I was never the best nor the worst. At sports I worked hard but never got the talent to go pro. The girls found me attractive enough to let me on a first date, rarely letting me hit the third base though. Nevertheless that all made me quite happy. It all kind of still does - apart the girls of course. I am now a grown man, who is a father to three beautiful but chaos bringing children, husband to a great wife and finally the person who likes their job, despite the fact that the earnings are just enough to live a simple but steady life.

I am supposed to write about a single event at a certain point in my life that changed it but my life was never like that. I like to think of it as a tree branch that at some points gives you the opportunity to make a choice that will lead you somewhere else but it's still the same branch. You don't get to squirrel your way to another  tree unless something either scares you out of it or helps you move, or even worst - cuts the tree down. There has never been that kind of event in my life. Nevertheless, there were several moments in my life that made me follow the right branch path. One of them was the choice of high school. The funny thing is I always had a thing for English language. I liked it despite I have never learned it at primary school - all of my knowledge came from either Discovery Channel or Sky Movies which at the time of my early years were the only alternative to the mundane Polish channels available. I have therefore chosen to apply for an bilingual high school. And I did really good at the test considering my phonetic way of writing, but the thing that prevented me from being accepted to the school were my almost supernatural skills in failing all of moron-level math assignments. I eventually passed them, but that path was closed. At the time I got so angry that I told my concerned mother "I don't give a shit which school I am going to attend. Do whatever you like mom!" And so she did. She took my graduation papers and put me in the high school she thought fit for me. I must tell you the papers were impressive enough for her to think a class of exceptionally successful kids in terms of grades was the best choice for me. Imagine the horror in my eyes when I finally entered the school in September only to find out that she had put me in an IT-math class! Yeah, MATH!!

Luckily I made friends with a genius who helped me cheat my way through the whole learning process. Believe it or not, I graduated with a decent grade. I went to University to study PE and loved it. At some point I met another "Y-crossing" in my branch of life. That was my future wife Sylwia.

Karma is a bitch - they say. Well, let's agree to disagree on that. There was a one in a million chance I would take my dog for a walk that day to a place I had never went before because my genius friend Jacek told me to meet a girl who seemed to like me. And so I did. She, however was not the one I liked. Her friend was. It was Sylwia. At that point I knew decided to hit on her. She however found me too loud and cliché to consider me a date. And so the hunt started. It took me almost half a year and 7 Harry Potter books to finally make her my girl. Yeah, she was a fan. And so I became one. But don't get me wrong. I really liked that piece of crappy writing. It suited my clichéism just right. And it made Sylwia fall in love with me after all .

The final turning point in my life were the births of my children. I know how it sounds.

 - "Oh, another one talking about his kids"

Yup. Cliché. Remember?

But it really was a turning point, because my life started to have meaning after that.

 

 

Simon was born on 24th December 2010.  Yeah, I know. No bullshit there. Christmas Eve, everybody having their family reunion and me and my Sylwia delivering a baby. I mean she was doing all the dirty work, but I was the one imprinting the horrors of the act in the back of my skull. Set aside the sweat, screams, cursing, and other PG18 stuff, the moment I was given my son into my shaking arms was a gamechanger for me. The first thought was not so poetic though.

"Don't fall down! Don't fall down! Please!" - ran around my head like man with a burning torch shoved up his rear entrance.

After that night, everything changed. I felt important for the first time in my life. To that little person I was never going to be average. I was to be "the dad".

Don't get me wrong. Being a parent is mostly not fun at all. You can't sleep. The stink of a fresh and colorful poop doesn't bother you anymore because either your brain got used to it or preferably your smell got fried. Your partner becomes a roaring monster only to transform the minute after into a crawling river of tears and on top of that you suddenly have no time literally for anything anymore. Well, maybe besides all the other stuff connected to being a robot.

It all is still worth it. At least to me.

 

 

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