Picturing Life Itself

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short story about a young woman in her late 20's named Celeste Carvahlo. She is finishing up with graduate school and has basically been through a lot as an adult. She talks about her biggest struggle of all time which is becoming independent. She wonders sitting at her rainy window, where will life take her next?

Submitted: May 22, 2017

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Submitted: May 22, 2017

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I'm done! I'm done with living here! That's what I remember from my past when I was so fed up with living with my mother, as soon as I turned 18 I hit the road. I sat in my window and watched the soothing rain patter against it. It was quiet, dead quiet. I had just gotten home from a long day out. I sat there just wondering, where is life going to take me? What will lead to the very next event during my lifetime? Where will I end up in life? I drifted off and I was no longer apart of this world anymore, unaware of my surroundings I was in deep thought. I sat there thinking about how far I've come in life. I was finishing up with school in my last year of college working on my masters degree. I had a rough past but I was able to get through all of it. I made it. Of course I wanted to pat myself on the back but something kept me from doing so.

The rain slowly started to decline, I then looked up. As the rain stopped it sadden me, because I didn't like it when the rain so suddenly stopped. My thoughts were all over the place, they had shifted and in that one moment I felt as if everything had changed...when nothing really didn't. Slowly, I had started to come back to reality and away from the drifting world. I smiled as I thought about my future. The kids I'd have, the man I'd marry, the career I'd be into, everything in that moment was just so blissful to me. Then all of a sudden, the rain had begun to pick back up and, had even gotten really heavy. It was seriously pattering against my window, this time even harder, and I just sat there watching it, enjoying every aspect of it. I wish that my mother was beside me but I had left all that behind. "Celeste!" My mother said screaming as I walked out the door of her home. I stormed off with my belongings and loaded them into my car and headed off. That's when I came to realize that as an adult, you grow up and eventually leave your parents home but for some reason, it had never registered to me that I was so in a hurry, and as a result I am now in regret for being in a hurry.

 

I had loved living with my mother. She was my life. But as I continued to grow older I had grown to become tired of living with my her. I was tired of being told to do this and do that, I wanted to make my own money and pay my own bills but I didn't even know what I was talking about back then. Now states and cities away, things had begun to get more complicated for me. I was now attending a state college in Florida as my mom lived in the state of Indiana. Sometimes I would even get home sick and I used to return home on some weekends. I was an adult now, but this didn't mean that I necessarily had to be away from home for the rest of my life, however it was still hard on me.

 

3 Months Later......

 

I then started to look at more options that could help me out with getting by. I thought there must be something that could keep me going. So I signed up for an adult independence class at my school's campus and planned a trip to go and visit home and to see my mom, and at first all seemed well. It has been 6 months since I've seen my her and to me that is a long time. I remember one of the days while I was planning my trip I sat there and asked myself these questions: How did I get here? What changed now that wasn't there before? I couldn't find answers to any of my questions and one of the main questions was: Should I really go through with this? I mean I left home for a reason should I continue to visit so soon? Or has it been too long since I've been home. I seriously couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together because there was just so many unanswered questions that I couldn't think of at the time.

 

At least the independence class was going well. I had learned so much from managing my money to maintaining a job, and having great social skills in the outside world was all helpful and useful information. The class at least gave me some hope in continuing on with being an adult. I tried asking the instructor of the independence class some of my questions that I had about being an adult and she told me that it's perfectly normal how I felt, and that sometimes I only have the answers to these questions. In the meantime I took a break from all the trip planning and the independence class to see if I really wanted to go through with this.

 

I sat there and realized that I had other options instead of going through with this. There was a huge possibility that I could go and live with my mom until I really knew for sure that I could get back on my feet or I must decide to take the chances at becoming an adult. This is a tough decision for me to make. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I called my mother and talked to her about my decision making. "Celeste you have to find your inner self and find what it is that you want to do with your life. You know that I will always be here to support you." Those words stuck with me, even when I got off the phone with her. "Find my inner self." I thought.

 

I did internet research on that and stumbled across an article that talked about finding things that interest you. That's what I set out to do. These weren't just old hobbies of mine they were just things that I wanted to try out. I took an art class hosted in my local city, joined a book club at my school, and learned many new recipes that I wasn't used to all the time. I was happy with myself and no one could take that away from me. This is when I finally decided to make my decision that I will take the chance at becoming an adult because I know that someday we all have to venture out on our own in order to become adults.

Overtime, things have gotten stressful for me. I'm now sitting here planning a trip to go and visit my mom and it was the most stressful thing I had ever done. "What if I didn't have enough money?" I thought."What if everything fails and none of this works out?" I had begun to give up on myself. I was wishy washy about the situation. I was really in a serious situation because my job wasn't paying me as much as it used to. The economy was harsh so the company I work for was having a hard time making money in order to promote business.

 

I started to give up but just decided to keep going little by little. Each night I stayed up late to continue working on planning the trip because I knew that this had to work out or my plan would be ruined and hopeless. At times I was tempted to call my mother for help but I just couldn't because a part of me kept saying: "Keep going Celeste! Big girls don't rely too much on mommy, unless they really need too. Be an adult! Be an adult! Be an adult!" That's the mindset that I had adopted since I moved out of my mothers house. I don't know why but it just came with me. College is also another stressful factor with the work load and not only that, having to work full time was also a challenge. I don't know how much of this I could handle but I know that I won't be handling it for too long.

 

One day I decided to stop planning the trip and continued to go back to how I normally lived my life. The trip planning had become so stressful that I had completely given up. Eventually days turned into weeks, weeks into months and I never once picked back up on planning that trip to go and see my mother. I didn't believe in myself anymore and kept beating myself up over how worthless I was. I had become an enemy to myself. "Celeste Carvahlo is not the enemy. Celeste Carvahlo is not the enemy." These words kept popping up into my mind and other than going to school and work I stayed indoors all day. No more hobbies and skills classes to help me out down the road, just plain and simple I sat back at the rainy window and continued on with picturing life itself. "Where will my future take me? Where is my place in life?" I would watch the rain just pour and pour and cut on some music in the background to soothe out the negative thoughts that filled my head. I was miserable for days and could barely move a muscle.

 

At times I didn't even want to get up out of bed and go to class yet alone work, but I had to. Work and school were the only two things on my mind at this time. There was honestly nothing that anyone could do to change my mind because for some reason I wanted to go through this phase. I would even start getting angry and stressed out over the dumbest things. I kept thinking "Celeste you have bad luck don't you?" I sometimes just wanted to drive out to the woods and start screaming really loudly out of anger, I couldn't even find the time nor place to even do that. "Celeste you are a failure, a complete and utter failure." I just gave up and watched all of my planning fall apart right in front of me.

 

1 Year Later........

 

A whole year went by it was now that I came to realize that "Hey! I've got to pick myself up because there is a reason as to why I'm doing this. I don't know what struck me at this very moment so late but I know that I wanted to be back home, visiting friends and family and that I wanted my adult life to work out.

 

I called my mother once more and told her what was going on with me. She heard me out and we discussed a plan of how we would meet in order to work things out. After a couple of hours of talking on the phone, we finally came up with a plan. WeI decided to save up some money for our get together that we were planning to have. I also found a new job at my school and I was hired to be a student assistant full time and I could earn extra hours during the summer months. In turn for working at this job I was granted a free scholarship and this is when I started to realize that becoming independent is one of the first steps to becoming an adult.

 

At first this had never registered to me. Becoming an adult was a process in which I had to learn about. Becoming an adult just doesn't happen overnight, it happens overtime. As things start to get more better, it doesn't necessarily mean that everything will be easy. Being an adult will always be challenging but we learn to grow used to it. I guess that you could say now I'm more comfortable with being independent.

Eventually the time came to finally visit Indiana and the trip went well. I was glad to be back home for a short time in Indiana to see my mom, family and some old friends from high school. I felt at home for sometime and I realized that everything was okay, and if anything were to go wrong, I always had a family to come home to.

A Few Years Later......

 I now finished college and earned my masters degree and I now brought and own a house for my mother and I to live in. I came to realize that I always want to be here to take care of my her. Life is hard and I have to learn how to live in life in order for things to work out but in the meantime, i'm right where I belong with my mom and the rest of my family. I'm soon to be married and off to see where my future will go from there. Each and every day I still continue to sit and watch the rain at the window.

One day as I was sitting at the window watching it rain, I then realized that the rain had stopped, and the sky remained cloudy, and from that I smiled. I then realized that life has a true meaning to it, and that meaning is to find what it is that you are passionate about and don't let go of it, and I did just that. From there I still sit and wonder where will life take me? How my soon to be wedding will be, how I'll kick start career, the children I'll have. I just sat at the window and I just continued picturing life itself.


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