living in the fruit of life

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: May 22, 2017

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Submitted: May 22, 2017

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Living in the ‘Fruit’ of life

 

I’ve always had this belief that a child is born bisexual. We aren’t born seeing gender and we aren't born seeing color. We’re born seeing love.Until we grow to see gays being bullied and our friends with boyfriends and girlfriends. I guess it’s a tad different when you grow up without friends. Then it’s just family. Family telling you about how you’re gonna marry a “good man” who’s handsome and successful, and you’ll have beautiful babies. That god will bless you and your family, but there’s a catch. There’s always a damn catch. If you love another woman, it’ll go against what god wants. God. The person who could “take away everything in a flash,” they say. Because “He made eve for adam.” Is what they tell me. But I knew good and well that when I looked at those pictures in bible study, there was not a single Adam in this universe that could complete me the way the beauty of an Eve would. That’s the secret I kept for 15 years.  

 

Gay. /??/ adjective: (of a person, especially a man) homosexual. That word has never defined me but for a long time I thought it did, and I was scared, I was ashamed, and most of all, I was alone. Things like my first kiss and my first crush couldn’t be shared and on top of that, they never really liked me back because all the girls wanted boyfriends, which I never understood why because they were sick. I mean completely disgusting. Growing up, I never really had someone like me around to tell me it was ok and it wasn’t till high school that I met anyone who actually identified as gay. But it wasn’t till my first year working that I grew a connection with another woman, my first love.



 

Cierra.

 

I still remember every second of every moment I’ve ever spent with her, and every detail about her. Especially of the day we met because at first I absolutely hated her.

I remember walking into my job, popeyes at the time, to check my schedule for the week. It was early May, not even a whole week after my 16th birthday, and she was at the cash register right next to where the schedule book was. It wasn’t that I had anything against her in general, but I had a horrible day and she was extremely hot! She had this mole on her face which would have bothered me if it wasn’t for the fact that she had beautiful blue eyes that I was trying my hardest not to look at. I walked over to the counter, obviously angry still and said “Hand me that orange folder please.” I skimmed over the schedule and handed it back.

 

She surprisingly held her hand out. “I’m Cierra,” I just looked at it. “What’s your name?” she said.

I didn't like her because somehow I knew what getting close to her would lead to and till this day, I wish I would’ve listened to myself. “Nadeiah,” I replied, then I turned and left.

 

The next day at school I thought about her, and I even mentioned her to a couple of my friends as we walked to the bus stop. Turns out my bud Carmen had already dated her and of course this should have been a warning sign to stay away but me and Carmen weren’t that close anyway and I barely even liked the girl at the time. I believe it was the next Friday that I finally had the chance to work with Cierra, and our newest manager, Andrea. Drea I liked off the rip. She was so open and cheerful and just so happened to be gay (or so she said), and not to mention, she was hot but way over age (32 to be exact). You’ll see where she comes into the story soon.

 

Anyway, that first day back to work went well. I stayed away from blue eyes and everyone else stayed on her, but I didn't dislike her anymore I just noticed that she was used to lots of attention and she carried the qualities of what we call a “F-boy or an F-girl in this case. Another red flag that I ignored at the time. We joked around for a little while and just like that I was crushing, on day one. We constantly flirted on and off but our relationship never officially took a turn out of the friend zone till a few weeks after knowing her. I remember we had this deep conversation about our lives and the subject of being “in the closet” came up, and I felt so guilty but I wasn’t scared anymore. That night was our first kiss. At work, on camera, in the dish pit, and that same night I told my secret.

I was in the car with my grandfather and it was silent. I just came right out and asked him “Grandad do you like gay people?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t have a problem with them, I have a brother that’s gay why?”

A sigh of relief washed over me, “Good because I’m gay,” I said.

The rest of the way home was silent until we pulled up in the driveway. He shut the car off and looked at me. “So you don't ever wanna date a man?” I shook my head. “You don’t think you’ll ever meet a nice guy?” I shook my head again, and then I opened the car door and left.

About an hour later my grandparents called me into the room with a whole list full of new rules, and at the top of that list was no girls spending the night. As if I had changed into a different person because I told them I was gay and I suddenly was attracted to every female friend I had.

The next saturday was a meeting at work and also mckenzies, our co worker who also happened to be cierras cousin, birthday, and cierra invited me to the barbeque. That afternoon I called off of work and cierra picked me up.

She did things like hold my hand in public and compliment me and kiss me in front of her whole family, and she made me feel so special. We seemed to have something but I was wrong and it was all part of the game she played with every girl. Anyways, things got pretty heated but I stopped her, and around one in the morning when she took me home it got heated again. I’m guessing she got tired of being turned down because the next day at work we didn’t speak. Then I found out exactly why. On break I went and sat next to Mackenzie and she told me about Cierra’s girlfriend. My heart literally dropped. On top of this I learned that Cierra was now living with our hot new manager Audrea, as the “babysitter”.

I tried to stay away from her after I learned about all this information but over the weeks and months my anger disappeared and I grew close with her family and Aundrea. I was in love with Cierra, she was in love with Aundrea, and she was dating Natasha. But of course I did what every other infatuated teenage girl does and I chased her, and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could make her love me back if we just had more time alone but I got caught in a waiting game. It turned into “I can’t because I have to be with Drea,” or “I’m busy, sorry I stood you up again,” and I just smiled and pretended like it wasn’t bothering me. Meanwhile my heart was breaking, and I was too.

I waited. I stuck around till the end of her relationship, and it still wasn’t me. But I told her how I felt for her finally, and she told me how she loved me too and how I gave her butterflies, and how if I could just wait a little longer and blah blah and more blah. You wanna know what I did? I waited again, and I watched her and Drea, and laughed like it didn’t hurt, and when everyone else would leave the room she loved me back, and that game she played would start again where I would feel like the only girl in the world. Then, when that door opened and people came back, I wasn't there anymore, and I played along like it was ok. I was back in the closet that I started in, afraid to talk about my truth because I would look dumb and I knew it, I couldn’t risk not looking strong or not looking smart because my entire life I feared being judged. Then, I met someone new and I told her the truth and then I tried to push her away. The difference was she didn’t let me leave but daily I would be a reminder to her that she was just my distraction from cierra.

 

Danesha.

 

We would spend a day together and then cierra would pick me up from her house, and I would hurt her the way cierra hurt me and in that moment I wasn’t capable of loving her like she loved me because I still loved cierra, and I thought that would never change. I remember having to come back and tell her that me and cierra had kissed and she cried, and she stayed, and she waited. The only difference is I never not once asked her to stay and I never not once asked her to wait. But she did, like any teenage girl in love. I remember when she would tell me she loved me and I would just look at her in silence because that word was terrifying.  But, I still tried. I stayed honest no matter how bad it made me look, and I tried my hand at trust, because she seemed so genuine. Until I went through her phone to see I wasn’t the only one and that feeling of not being enough and sitting in that closet came back up.

 My game started here, and I played it so good that not a person knew about it. I was better and I had this mentality to never get hurt again. Love turns you into a monster. It makes you hate yourself for being vulnerable and most of all it scars you. I had become the monster that had haunted my mind for the past year. I had scarred someone as much as I had been scarred and I became the person on the other side.

I would spend the night over Aundrea's to see Cierra and I would stop by to see Danesha on the way then it would alternate but this was before me and Danesha had started dating and after I found the other girl. I had tried to stay clear of hurting anymore feelings but I knew that me even bringing Cierras name into a conversation hurt her, but because she loved me and I loved cierra, she never said anything. She waited. I waited. We all waited. Indirectly being controlled by cierra. Because my love for her drove my every move and Daneshas love for me drove her every move, but cierra moved freely with no emotional attachment to our triangle. She was dumb for not seeing me, I was dumb for loving her, and Danesha was dumb for loving me and even dumber for hurting me during my recovery.

My feelings for cierra went cold after a while. Everything was a game to me and the closer I grew to Danesha, the more I needed to be around Cierra. To make her hurt. To make her watch. It was her turn to laugh and pretend like it didn’t hurt. All the while hurting Danesha just to get even, because even though Danesha had messed up one time. She treated me good. She did any and everything I asked of her with no hesitation but I still couldn’t love her. I didn’t love anyone. I would kiss Cierra to make her crave my lips and I would kiss Danesha to make her stay and it felt like sitting at the top of the world to have to two hearts that belonged to you even though I’m not sure if I ever had Cierra’s because there was always some type of game. I was a villain, and she was the damsel in distress that stopped me in my tracks.

About a month into being in an actual relationship with Danesha, we were laying down. I remember she was in pain and I layed on her chest listening to her heart, and for some reason it was so soothing to me and the thought of having to move even the slightest bit made me frown. I was happy, for the first time in a long time. We started talking about love and how she catches feeling very quickly.

That’s when she looked me in my eyes and said, “I’m not in love with you,” and I layed back her chest like it didn’t hurt because I was in love with Danesha. She grabbed my face and looked at me again. “What’s wrong. You aren’t in love with me so.”

I looked at the ground, “Yes I am.”

“I didn’t mean that,” she said, and my heart dropped because for a minute I thought I had lost one of the best things that had ever walked into my life.  

8 months later and I’m still friends cierra, I’m also in a committed relationship with danesha and my life for once is in perfect harmony. After falling in love with danesha I realized how every ounce of anger towards cierra drove me away from someone who really loved me and after I forgave her I was able to give all of me to Danesha. I learned that hatred only hurts you and in order to relieve yourself of the pain you have to let go of your anger and forgive those who have hurt you.

 


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