The Donahues Episode 264

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The Donahues returns for its part 4. Ryan and Sarah, now living in Japan, attempt to adjust. Sarah tries to impress her peers in art class, while Ryan tries to find something fun for Sarah and him to do in Tokyo. Meanwhile, Ethan finds himself supporting the Hansbay Dog Park's re-opening because his ex-girlfriend Anella supports it.

Submitted: May 22, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 22, 2017









“Homicide or suicide, heads or tails? Some think life is a living hell. Some live life, just living well. I live life, trying to tip the scale- my way”

  • Ahmir Thompson


(We start with a head-on shot of Ryan, sitting on his bed, staring into space, neon light is being cast on his face. Then we cut to a reverse shot of a building across the street from Ryan, with a big neon sign reading “?????”. It is night time. Ryan sees a silhouette through the window of that building, and leans closer. He sees the silhouette speaking with another silhouette. Ryan gets up and goes to the balcony to look at this take place. We see greater Tokyo as he arrives on his balcony. One of the silhouettes hands an envelope to the other. The silhouettes then bow towards each other. Ryan squints. They then look out the window, and Ryan quickly walks back into his apartment, and closes the sliding screen door behind him. The room is decorated with punk, metal and anime posters. There are two small beds in the living room of this studio apartment, immediately adjacent to each other. Ryan walks over to Sarah’s bed, and removes a school girl outfit from under it. Ryan smiles, and puts it on her bed. He then walks over to his bed, and sits down. Sarah walks into the apartment wearing a back pack. She looks at her bed and sees the outfit)


SARAH: What is that doing there?


RYAN: I wanted to try it out, finally.


(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: Not tonight.


(Sarah puts her back pack down and plops onto her bed)


RYAN: Why not?


SARAH: It’s a really boring fetish, first of all, so I don’t see why you care.


RYAN: We live in Japan. Living in Japan and not doing schoolgirl roleplay is like living in Houston and not seeing NASA.


SARAH: We’ll do it. Just not tonight.


RYAN: What’s wrong?


SARAH: The girls at animation class don’t like me.


RYAN: Aww, are the girls at school being mean to Sarah-su?


(Ryan gets on Sarah’s bed, and puts his arms around her, as she laughs)


SARAH: Shut up!

RYAN: What do they do?


(Ryan kisses on Sarah’s neck)


SARAH: They’re not mean, so much as they just don’t really talk to me.


RYAN: Do you talk to them?


SARAH: I try to.


RYAN: Do they talk in Japanese, look at you, and then laugh?


SARAH: No, I guess they don’t.


RYAN: Well, then, they probably have a hard time understanding you. You’re an outsider, after all.


SARAH: So, what should I do?


RYAN: Feed one of them a dumpling.


SARAH: What would that do?


RYAN: I’d just really like to see that.


SARAH: Ugh, you’re no help.


(Sarah escapes from Ryan’s grasp and goes to the balcony. Ryan follows her out there)


RYAN: Have you been able to translate what that sign says?


(Sarah shakes her head)


SARAH: …Do you feel bad at all that pretty soon after your brother came back from war, you moved to Japan?


(Ryan hugs Sarah from behind)


RYAN: I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind…


SARAH: His birthday is on Sunday, right?


RYAN: Yeah.


SARAH: How old is he?


RYAN: Twenty-three. And his son’s turning two.


SARAH: We should send a card.


RYAN: Sarah, international shipping is a nightmare. I’ll give him and Kyle a Facebook message.


SARAH: Alright, but make it thoughtful. You wrote “hbd” on his Facebook last year.


RYAN: That was a heartfelt “hbd”.


(Sarah chuckles)


SARAH: Sure. (Pause) We should do something Saturday. There’s a festival in town.


RYAN: Which one?


SARAH: The Kanda-matsuri. A bunch of mikoshi parade floats are coming through.


RYAN: Can’t we just stay in and watch Japanese Hoarders again?


SARAH: No, Ryan, we’ve lived here for two weeks and we’ve hardly done any Japan stuff.


RYAN: When we lived in Vermont, did we do “Vermont stuff”?


SARAH: This is different.  Japan is worthwhile.


RYAN: …Fine, but if we’re gonna go to Panda-Mitsubishi-


SARAH: Kanda-Matsuri.


RYAN: Then we need to get there early to find parking.


SARAH: Do we have to take your fucking mo-ped?


RYAN: My legsies are still not used to all this walking, Sarah-su.


(Cut to Ethan drinking coffee in the city hall café while looking at the news on his phone. The headline reads “PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRES COMEY- Shock Reels Through D.C.”. Ethan shakes his head in amazement. Councilman Graves sits in front of holding a Slurpee)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: It’s pretty bat-shit, isn’t it?


ETHAN: No shit. He looks downright criminal. This is basically obstruction of justice.


(Councilman Sloane sits down next to graves)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: You bleeding heart liberals are never pleased. Trump fired him because of how unfair Comey was to Hillary.


ETHAN: Since when does Trump look out for Hillary’s interests?! That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Trump is great friends with Hillary, remember, she went to his wedding.


ETHAN: You’ll just believe anything the White House tells you, won’t you?  You were chanting “lock her up” six months ago and now you’re defending Hillary?


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: The President knows what he’s doing.


ETHAN: Yeah! He does! He’s obstructing justice! You can’t fire the person investigating your campaign!


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Well, what I read was, Comey refused to pledge his loyalty to Trump, and that was part of the reason Trump whacked him. I mean, Trump took Comey fishing, and then whacked him. Or maybe he talked about baseball for a while, I can’t remember.


ETHAN: The Director of the FBI does not and should not take a pledge of loyalty to the President. Only to the law and the constitution. This shit is frightening.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Don’t worry, I bet Speaker Ryan and Mitch McConnell will grow a pair.


ETHAN: Yeah, as soon as the heat death of the universe comes around, they’ll gain some courage.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Speaking of which, did you see those protestors outside of the Mayor’s Office?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Ooh, you mean the hotties?


(Councilman Graves slurps on his Slurpee)


ETHAN: Come on, Graves, drink adult beverages.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: No, they weren’t attractive to me, they were quite ratty in my opinion.


ETHAN: Who were they? Want did they want?


(Cut to a small group of protestors outside of City Hall. They are casually dressed millennials with picket signs and bull horns, and nearly all of them have dogs on leashes. The signs say stuff like “DOG PARK NOW” and “WHERE SHALL OUR DOGS WALK?” and “SATCH HATES DOGS” and “#NOTMYMAYOR” and “DOGS PURRRSISTED”. Anella is among the protestors)








(Pan over to Sloane, Graves and Ethan looking at the protests from a distance)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: That’s a bit clunky.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Yeah, man, and that “dogs purrrsisted” sign makes no sense, that’s what cats do.


ETHAN: Oh, look, Satch is coming out.


(Cut to Mayor Satch walking out of his office with Conan in tow. Conan sets up a microphone in front of Mayor Satch as the protestors chant “NOT MY MAYOR” over and over again)


MAYOR SATCH: Is this thing on? (Mayor Satch chuckles, as the crowds boo, and Conan stands behind Satch) Hold it down, guys, Uncle Irville is gonna rap at ya for a quick second here.




MAYOR SATCH: Oh, geez, guys, if you could keep down the mean words or else I’m gonna cry, I’m serious. (The protestors stand in awkward silence, disquieted by Satch’s candor) Thanks, I almost exploded. (Satch sniffs) Here we go. I hear your concerns, and I agree. There is no dog park in our city for our town’s puppers to play in. There hasn’t been one since 1986, when Mayor Cardova shut it down once authorities discovered many of the Cardova family’s enemies had been buried there in the twenties, thirties and seventies. The problem is, the city council are being real party poopers about the budget.




(The protestors scream in agreement)


MAYOR SATCH: It’s true that my last four computers have succumbed to ransomware, but no, no Russian hacks on my end. I intend to talk to the city council today and convince them to appropriate the money, how about that?


(The crowd claps and nods their heads. Cut to Ethan, Sloane and Graves)


CHAIRMAN GRAVES: No way that’s getting through.


ETHAN: I need to get out of here.


(Ethan leaves, making Graves and Sloane confused. Cut to Chairman Edelman, Councilman Sloane, Donahue, Graves and Councilwoman Cusick sitting on the city council, listening to Mayor Satch address the council in a private session from the podium in front of the dais)


MAYOR SATCH: Hidey-ho, ladies and gentlemen of the council.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: There’s only one chick, Mr. Mayor.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You’re gross, Graves.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Listen, I’m sorry, Anna, let’s get Big Gulps after this.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: ORDER! Mr. Mayor, please proceed.


MAYOR SATCH: The protestors outside my office this morning were demanding a dog park. And I demand you give it to them. No matter the cost. There has to be money in the budget somewhere. My people need this! Their dogs need a place to roam, play, hump, defecate and according to the protestor’s demands, climb on a doggy jungle gym.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: With all due respect, Mr. Mayor, there is not enough money in the budget for the creation of library staff, much less for the construction of some fences surrounding a wide area of grass.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Or, what is it you said, a doggy jungle gym?


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah! Dogs are getting stir crazy! One of them attacked its owner brutally, nearly killed her. Now she keeps it in the attic and its gradually clawing its way out.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Jesus, that dog needs to put down!


ETHAN: Come on, guys, we’re being too hard on the Mayor. I think a dog park would be a nice addition to our little town. We want people to move here, right? And a dog park is a big pull.


(Everyone looks at Ethan)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Brother, are you on the ganja?


ETHAN: Please speak more professionally towards me.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Councilman Donahue, we’re still in a serious budget shortfall. And honestly, what matter are these peoples’ struggle to us? Nay, to me, specifically? As it says in The Fountainhead, “the root of every despicable action is not selfishness, but precisely the absence of self”.


MAYOR SATCH: You’re in public service, Councilwoman.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Yeah, well, I also won a debate tournament in 2003. So.


ETHAN: I just believe that there’s nothing wrong with opening up a big ol’ park for people to bring their dogs, have fun, and be there regularly enough to where people could easily run into them, you know?


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Well, I think it’s a waste of time, money and resources.


ETHAN: I’d be willing to throw in a couple buckaroonis, here we go. (Ethan takes out his wallet and opens it up, but finds just a crumpled up five dollar bill) Okay, well, I don’t usually carry cash, but, if the Chairman has an iPhone card slider, I could- (Ethan uncrumples the bill and looks at it) my God, Treasury Secretary Donald Regan? How old is this bill?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: How long have you had the wallet?


ETHAN: Since I lost my virginity.


MAYOR SATCH: Listen, before we get too far into the salty talk, I just want to end my testimony by urging the city council to adopt my recommendation. I have sent women to all of your houses, standing on your front stoops with a bag of brownies just waiting for you to get home, out of my personal goodwill.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Thank you, Mr. Mayor.


(Mayor Satch nods his head, and walks away. Cut to Japanese girls and boys on computers in an animation class at the University of Tokyo. The teacher is lecturing them)


TEACHER: ?????????????????????????????????-


(SUBTITLES: Just to go over anime studio basics, go to Vector control-)


(Sarah walks in)


TEACHER: ???????????????????????????????????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: Sorry, guys, the American girl was late, so now I have to switch to English)


(The class laughs, and Sarah, confused, sits at her computer)


SARAH: Sorry, Mr. Hiyamoto.


MR. HIYAMOTO: (Thick Japanese accent) It is okay, Ms. Blumenthal.


SARAH: Is it? Because they’re all staring at me right now.


MR. HIYAMOTO: Guys, don’t stare. (The class looks back at Mr. Hiyamoto) She’s a foreigner. They’re easily creeped out.


SARAH: No, not me, I love creepy stuff- I’ll-where’s one of those helper robots? I can take it!


MR. HIYAMOTO: Please, Ms. Blumenthal, I’m trying to teach class.


SARAH: Sorry.


MR. HIYAMOTO: Alright. Let’s go back to vector control.


(Cut to Japanese girls walking down the hallway of Tokyo University. Sarah is walking behind them)


JAPANESE GIRL: ??????????????????


(SUBTITLES: Where should we go for lunch?)


JAPANESE GIRL 2: ????????????????????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: I was thinking about the giant squid that they found in the public pool down town)


(Sarah catches up to them)


SARAH: Hey guys! I’m also hungry, if you guys wanted to, you know, go eat.


(They all look at her)


JAPANESE GIRL 3: Uhhh, sure.


JAPANESE GIRL 2: Yeah, that’s fine.


SARAH: What are all of your guys’ names?


JAPANESE GIRL 2: I’m Michiko.


JAPANESE GIRL 1: I am Hikaru.




SARAH: So cool to meet you guys, I’m Sarah.


MICHIKO: We know.


SARAH: Yeah, true, I’m the black sheep American, so I guess you’d remember me.


HIKARU: You act like you’re the first American we’ve ever seen.


SARAH: No, I’m sure I’m not.


HIKARU: I have been on webcam with many, many Americans.


SARAH: Oh, really? Were you like, tutoring them, or-?


HIKARU: Oh, because I’m good at math, right?


SARAH: No! No, I’m sure you’re terrible at math! Fuck, I didn’t mean it that way-


HIKARU: I was stripping for them.


MICHIKO: Which is fine, because she is a sexually empowered woman.


SARAH: See, I think that’s great! (Sarah chuckles) Hell, you might know my boyfriend.


MICHIKO: What’s his name?


SARAH: I’m actually afraid to tell you.


SEN: Bitches, where the fuck are we going to eat?


HIKARU: I guess McDonald’s, because the American girl is with us.


SARAH: You guys are joking, but I could seriously do that. I heard Japanese McDonald’s has chocolate-drizzled fries, so…


(They all look at her. Cut to Hikaru, Michiko, Sarah and Sen sitting at a Japanese fast food restaurant called “Freshness Burger”. Everyone has burgers and coffee in front of them, and are eating)


SARAH: This is really good, I’ve never heard of this place. And I’ve never heard of a burger and coffee chain before.


SEN: What brought you to Japan anyway, Sarah?


SARAH: I’m studying abroad. I want to animate the anime shows we all love.


HIKARU: Sarah, don’t you know American-animated anime is garbage?


SARAH: Why does it have to be? I can just do the same thing you guys do, but with American hands.


SEN: Have you ever had American-made sushi?


SARAH: Yes! I have! And it was delicious!

SEN: And you didn’t get a tape worm?


SARAH: …Okay, yeah, I did.


SEN: Exactly.


(They all go back to eating their burgers. Sarah looks down. Cut to Ryan sitting in the apartment, looking across the street. He takes a pipe full of weed, puts it to his mouth, and lights the bowl. He then exhales the smoke. Sarah walks in and puts her bag down)


RYAN: Have you eaten?


SARAH: Yeah, I ate. I was also eaten alive by some girls you’ve probably jerked off to.


RYAN: What?


(Sarah sits on her bed)


SARAH: These girls in animation class are cold as hell. They have no interest in being my friend.


RYAN: Well, I’m still your friend.


SARAH: You know I’ve always wanted Japanese friends, Ryan.


RYAN: We all want them. But it’s not realistic.


SARAH: We LIVE in Japan!


(Ryan puts down his pipe and goes over to sit next to Sarah)


RYAN: Sarah, here’s the thing about the Japanese. They act like they’re hot shit, and so original, but they want nothing more than to be American. Why do you think they make terrible rap music and rip-off our movies?


SARAH: Hmm. So, what are you saying?


RYAN: Don’t resist your American-ness, flaunt it. Then they’ll flock to you.


(Sarah nods. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in a rental car driving on the streets of Japan)


SARAH: I still don’t understand why you chose to get a rental car when we could just use public transportation.


RYAN: You know I have a fear of flash mobs.


SARAH: They’re harmless!

RYAN: They’re LOUD!

SARAH: What are you, autistic?


RYAN: Not okay!

SARAH: Sorry.


RYAN: I’m sure I’ll be able to find parking.


SARAH: It seems pretty packed with service vehicles. And pink Barbie Limos. God, this is a weird country.


RYAN: Not weird, different.


SARAH: Right, sorry.


RYAN: Oh, look, there’s a lot over here.


(Ryan pulls his car into a parking lot where a Japanese parking lot attendant is beckoning him forward. Ryan parks, and Ryan and Sarah get out of the car and the attendant walks over to them)


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: You have money? Twenty-three hundred yen!

SARAH: What the fuck!?


RYAN: Sarah, relax, that’s like twenty dollars.




(Ryan takes out two “one thousand” yen bills and three “hundred yen” coins and hands it to the attendant)


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Thank you! (He glances at Ryan’s parking job) Oh, no, you need park better!


(Ryan looks over at his parking job)


RYAN: Oh. (Ryan looks back at the attendant) Okay.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Yes, you no can park like that, we need more space for more car!


RYAN: Okay, I can do that.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: If you slip like this in the mob, you get legs broke, you know?


(The attendant laughs, and Ryan and Sarah nervously laugh along with him)


RYAN: Right…


(Ryan and Sarah gets back into the car)


SARAH: Is this guy in Yakuza?


RYAN: Shhh.


(Ryan pulls forward, and the parking attendant motions him forward, and then tells him to stop, then motions him to back up, which he does. He then makes a grimacing face, and flicks his hand off his chin multiple times, which confuses Ryan)


RYAN: Is he telling me to pull forward or is he saying, “fuck you”?


SARAH: Maybe both.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah, holding hands, walking down the sidewalk, going past the numerous Japanese citizens who are there for the Kanda-Matsuri festival. They stop once they get a good luck at the procession of a Mikoshi, a portable Shinto shrine that resembles a a miniature building, with pillars, walls, a roof, a veranda and a railing, down the street)


RYAN: So, where’s the marching robots?


SARAH: It’s gonna be floats, dancers and mikoshi, Ryan.


RYAN: This festival began in the 1600s, they should really update it.


SARAH: Come on, don’t make us look worse than we already must look. Americans mocking their sacred traditions. Hikaru, Michiko and Sen said they might be here, so especially watch it.


RYAN: What are the odds of us running into them in this crowd of thousands, Sarah-su?


(Pan over to Ashton holding cotton candy and standing next to Ryan)


ASHTON: More than the odds of us running into each other right now.




RYAN: Relax, Sarah, he deals me weed.


SARAH: I will NOT relax, this motherfucker is ubiquitous!


ASHTON: It’s true, I’ve gone international. Any smart businessman would.


SARAH: You have an international, small-time weed-dealing operation?


ASHTON: Yes. I have to be in Manila by tomorrow afternoon, actually. Just read my slogan.


(Ashton hands his business card to Sarah. She reads it, and it says “Ashton- Everyone’s Neighborhood Drug Dealer”. Sarah scoffs and throws the card back to Ashton)


RYAN: Ash, do you know of any parties going on tonight? This parade is cool or whatever, but, culture can get boring, if you know what I mean.


ASHTON: I got you, fam. There’s a party at my apartment that I invited a bunch of girls I met here to. You guys can come.


(Ryan turns to Sarah)


RYAN: What do you think, babe?


(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: Do we have to talk to Ashton?


ASHTON: You don’t.


SARAH: Then, that’s fine.


RYAN: We’ll be there! What’s the address?


ASHTON: Bro, the Japanese address system is super fucking confusing, so I just drew a map.


(Ashton hands Ryan a piece of paper with numerous dashes forming a line that go to a red “X” where he’s drawn stick figures with huge tits dancing. There are numerous blunt burns on the paper. Ryan puts the map down)


RYAN: We can just go in your car.




(Cut to Ethan, Councilman Graves and Chairman Edelman sitting in a chain restaurant booth)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN:  I hereby call this meeting of the Democratic caucus of the Hansbay City Council to order.


ETHAN: Chairman, relax, we’re at a “Howaboutit” Bar, Grill & Guzzle Factory.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: This shit is all I eat, man, best chain restaurant in New England.


(The waitress, who is wearing a low-cut shirt and short shorts but also bears a scowl, comes over to the table)


WAITRESS: Can I help you men?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Yeah, I’ll have endless onion rings and COORS damnit!


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Chexton, calm yourself.


ETHAN: Please don’t call him that.


WAITRESS: That’s great, and you, sir?


ETHAN: I’ll have the… (Ethan looks at the menu) “Not Your Slutty Grandma’s Fried Chicken and Mashed ‘Taters”- what the hell is wrong with you people?


WAITRESS: Would you like a beer as well?


ETHAN: No, I don’t drink, thank you.




(The waitress turns to Chairman Edelman)


WAITRESS: What do you want?


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: A ham sandwich and some tepid water, please.


WAITRESS: Gotcha. It’ll be about out at some point, I don’t know.


(The waitress walks away)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: I think she’s into me.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Let’s get down to business. Ethan, why are you pushing this dog park thing?


ETHAN: Well, guys, if you must know…I don’t want to tell you because you don’t need to know.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Is it because Anella is fighting for it?


ETHAN: Yeah.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: You’re doing this to get her back?


ETHAN: Maybe I am. Haven’t you ever wasted taxpayer money for the sake of love?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Who hasn’t? Man, you old dog! I’m convinced, I’m voting for this.


ETHAN: Thank you, Graves-


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: As long as you call me Chexton.


(Ethan looks at Graves, and gulps)


ETHAN: Okay. Thanks…Chexton.


(Councilman Graves smiles)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: You’re welcome, my man.


(Graves pats Ethan on the back)


ETHAN: All I need is you, Chairman.


(Chairman Edelman sits back)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: I don’t know, it’s a huge favor and we are rather low on money…


ETHAN: Like I said, I can reimburse the city. To some extent. Not to the whole thing, mind you, I’m not a rich man yet.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: …I’ll give it to you, on one condition.


ETHAN: Anything.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: You need to get a dog and use it.


(Ethan sits back)


ETHAN: …Fuck.


(Cut to Anella and her protestor friends sitting in seats in front of the city council dais, as they await the city councilmen and women taking their seats)


PROTESTOR: Isn’t your ex on the city council?


ANELLA: Yeah. I hope he doesn’t notice I’m here.


(Protestor takes out a Masquerade Ball mask)


PROTESTOR: Do you want this Masquerade Ball mask?


ANELLA: No, that’ll just make me stand out more.


PROTESTOR: What will he recognize you by? Your weirdly short arms?


ANELLA: Okay, we’re not talking for a few minutes.


(The City council comes in and takes their seats, and Chairman Edelman bangs the gavel)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The Council will come to order. The first piece of business on the docket today is whether or not we should bring up the dog park proposal for a vote.




COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: I thought we tabled that bill!

ETHAN: We felt it at least deserved a cloture vote, Councilwoman. What are you afraid of?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: I say we delay this vote!


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The question is on the delay of the cloture vote, all in favor say “ay”?




CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: All opposed say “no”?



CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Without objection, the motion is defeated.



CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: ORDER! (The Chairman slams the gavel) The question is now on cloture, all in favor say “ay”?









CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: All in favor of passage of the bill?


(Councilwoman Cusick stands up holding handcuffs)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: I will HANDCUFF myself to this dais if this goes any further!

ETHAN: That’s, fine.


(Councilwoman Cusick groans and sits down)









CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Without objection, the motion is approved! (Chairman Edelman slams his gavel. The protestors in the room cheer) Order. (Edelman slams his gavel a couple of times before the gallery calms down) I would like to recognize the Councilman who introduced this bill on the suggestion of the Mayor, and who made today possible…Councilman Ethan Donahue, everyone!

(Councilman Donahue stands up and waves, as Edelman, Graves and the protestors applaud him. Cut to Anella, the only protestor not applauding. She is sitting and grimacing. Cut to Ethan)


ETHAN: Thank you! Thank you very much! I deserve a lot of credit for this!


(Cut to Ashton being held over a dunk tank of liquor in his apartment by two Japanese girls. Ryan, Sarah and numerous Japanese attendees are watching, while holding drinks of their own, and cheering them on)




(They dunk him in the tank as the crowd cheers.


RYAN: I want to do that.


SARAH: You shouldn’t, especially if they’re not gonna replace the liquor.


(A Japanese guy brings out a Komodo dragon on a leash)


JAPANESE GUY: Let’s put this in there!



RYAN: Get that thing out of here, Osaku.


OSAKU: Aw, damnit.


(Osaku leads the Komodo out of Ashton’s apartment, as they lift Ashton from the liquor tank and place him on the ground)


ASHTON: So- (breathing heavily) was that record time?


JAPANESE GIRL: It sure was. And it be the first time.


(The Japanese girl winks)


ASHTON: God, I love this country. You guys enjoy the party, we’ll be right back.


(Ashton and the Japanese girl walk into a nearby bedroom)


SARAH: Why do you like that guy?


RYAN: Sarah, how many times do I have to say it? He deals me weed!

(Sarah notices something)


SARAH: Holy shit!

RYAN: What?


SARAH: Look!


(Sarah gestures with her head to the front door. Cut to Sen, Hikaru and Michiko entering the apartment)


RYAN: Who are they?


SARAH: (Whispering) The girls from my class.


RYAN: Perfect! Now’s your chance, babe. Americanize yourself to the maximum.


SARAH: Okay, I’ll try. (Sarah walks away from Ryan, and walks past a Japanese guy with large-rimmed glasses, she takes them and puts them on, much to his confusion, and she walks up to them) Oh my God!! You bitches are here!!! LITERALLY what is my life?!


HIKARU: Yeah, why do you have glasses-


SARAH: Bitch, you all need shots. Actually, no, fuck that, let’s play beer pong.




SARAH: Don’t you know it?


MICHIKO: We have only heard legends.


SARAH: Well, then prepare your basic ass for story time, bitch! (Sarah turns around) Does anyone have solo cups and a ping pong ball?


(Ashton and the Japanese girl from earlier walk out of the bedroom)


RYAN: That didn’t seem that long.


ASHTON: Shut up. What’s the question?


SARAH: Do you have balls for beer pong?


ASHTON: Yes! It’s one thing I knew I couldn’t forget.


JAPANESE GIRL: Why wasn’t a condom one of those things?


ASHTON: Shhhh, okay, hold on. (Ashton walks to his kitchen and pulls out a bag of beer pong balls) It’s time to get LIT!


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah on one side of a beer pong table, and Hikaru and Michiko on the other side. Sen is watching, as are Ashton and the rest of the party guests. J Pop is playing in the background)


RYAN: Who’s going first?


SARAH: I will!

(Sarah throws a ball into one of the cups on the other side, making the room erupt in cheering, and causing Sarah to high five Ryan and then waggle her tongue all around)


SEN: ?????????????????


(SUBTITLES: What is she doing with her tongue?)


MICHIKO: ?????????????????. ????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: I think it's a primitive mating ritual. Or perhaps a distress call)


RYAN: Come on, throw me the ball.


MICHIKO: Oh, sorry.


(Michiko throws the ball to Ryan. Ryan weakly throws the ball, and it bounces off the middle of the table)


RYAN: Shit. Sorry, I haven’t thrown anything in a long time.


SARAH: Just let me take over, huh?


RYAN: Fair enough.


(“DNA” by Kendrick Lamar starts playing as we cut to a montage of Sarah dominating at beer pong, as Hikaru, Sen and Michiko struggle. Then we cut to Sarah doing a keg stand while Ryan and Hikaru hold her legs up. Sen, Michiko and the rest of the partygoers cheer them on. Cut to Ashton flirting with Michiko in the kitchen. Sarah comes in and “accidentally” spills shots all over Ashton, pissing him off, he then reluctantly goes over to grab a towel to wash himself off, as Sarah does shots with Michiko. Cut to Sarah, Michiko, Sen, Hikaru and Ryan on the balcony. Sarah passes a joint to Sen, who tokes it. Sarah sees some guys walking by, and so Sarah flashes her breasts at them. Sen, Michiko and Hikaru follow suit and flash their breasts, and Ryan glares at Sarah. Sarah kisses Ryan on the mouth, and gestures for him to flash them as well. Ryan zips down his pants begins to unbutton his fly, but Sarah stops him and takes him to the next room. As the song wraps up, we cut to Sarah, Sen, Michiko and Hikaru sitting on the couch of Ashton’s now emptied-out apartment. Ryan and Ashton are sitting on the couch across from them)


SEN: Sarah, you a badass bitch.


SARAH: Thanks, Sen. You’re my main Japanese hoe.


MICHIKO: What about me?


SARAH: You’re all equally my hoes.


(They all giggle drunkenly)


RYAN: Good party, Ashton.


ASHTON: Thanks. I didn’t particularly enjoy myself, but it’s whatever. You know crazy shit happens in the Philippines, so I’ll be fine.


RYAN: I’ve heard crazy illegal shit goes on in the Philippines too.


ASHTON: I won’t comment on that.


(Ashton winks)


RYAN: I hope you don’t know what I’m talking about.


(Ashton looks at Sarah, Sen, Michiko and Hikaru)


ASHTON: So, it’s 4:49 in the morning.


SARAH: But it’s 4:49 in the afternoon in America!

(Michiko, Sen and Hikaru giggle)


RYAN: That’s not right. Come on, Sarah, let’s go.


MICHIKO: We don’t want Sarah to go.


SEN: Sarah no go! Sarah no go!

RYAN: You can’t entice me with a fivesome, you guys, let’s go.


HIKARU: We were not offering that.


SARAH: Come on, Ryan, can’t we just sleep here for the night?


ASHTON: That is totally up to me.


(Ryan turn to Ashton)


RYAN: Sarah and I can just sleep on the couch, if that’s okay with you. I mean, I’m really tired and still pretty drunk.


HIKARU: Where are we sleeping?


ASHTON: Not in my room. I don’t put out that easy. (Ashton stands up) Figure it out. But I better not see any of you by the time I wake up.


(Ashton walks into his room)


SARAH: I really don’t like that guy.


(Cut to Sarah and Ryan sleeping on the couch. In the dark, with the Tokyo skyline shone through the window, in the background. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in the back of an Uber, being driven by an older Japanese man)


RYAN: Yeah, there’s a parking lot on, over there somewhere.




RYAN: Uh, shit, I’m sorry dude, I’m still really bad with addresses here. It’s over by, that Pizza Place, “Big Yum-Yum”?


JAPANESE MAN: You want to go to pizza?


RYAN: No, dude, the parking lot is right next to a pizza place.


JAPANESE MAN: Which pizza place?


RYAN: Do you remember which pizza place, Sarah-su?


SARAH: I’ve never seen a pizza place since we’ve lived here.


RYAN: You know what, dude? Just drop us off here, we’ll walk to where we need to go.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking up to the parking lot where the attendant was before. They see the car)


SARAH: Thank Jesus, it’s not towed.


RYAN: I know! (Ryan and Sarah go over and get in it) I would’ve just committed hari kari.


SARAH: Come on, that’s racist.


RYAN: It’s because I’m emo, not because I’m racist.


(Ryan starts the car, but then the attendant comes over and stands in front of the car)


SARAH: Uh-oh.


(The attendant comes over, and Ryan rolls up the window)


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: You kept this here over night. You only supposed to keep until midnight.


RYAN: I’m sorry, dude, I really am, it’s just-


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: I could have your car car towed, impounded and dumped in the ocean. But I didn’t.


RYAN: Well, I appreciate that.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Last night you paid me twenty-three hundred yen for the night. But now it’s a new day. So I need twenty-three hundred more yen.


RYAN: Well- (Ryan takes out his wallet, checks it, and then looks at the attendant) sorry, I don’t have any more yen, I think I may have lost it-


SARAH: Ashton fed your money to one of the drunk chicks at the party.


RYAN: Goddamnit.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Then you park the car, and you go get twenty-three hundred yen.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Fine.


(Ryan turns off the car and gets out, as does Sarah)




RYAN: Why the arbitrary deadline?


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: You slip like this in Yakuza, they put arbitrary deadline and if you don’t deliver, you are impounded and dumped in ocean!


RYAN: Like, my car is?


(The attendant shakes his head)


SARAH: Let’s go, babe.


RYAN: Yes.


(Sarah and Ryan walk away. Cut to Mayor Satch sitting at his desk, with the press taking pictures in front of him, surrounded by Ethan Donahue, Chairman Edelman, Councilman Graves and the Director of Parks & Recreation as he prepares to sign a bill)


MAYOR SATCH: This directive to re-open the dog park will change Hansbay forever! Finally, dogs will be legal again!


ETHAN: HA HA! Great joke, Mr. Mayor.




ETHAN: Just sign the bill, sir.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh, okay.


(Mayor Satch signs the bill as cameras flash. Cut to Ethan standing in the dog park, talking to some constituents with their yorkie on a leash)


ETHAN: So, where do you guys live?


CONSTITUENT: We live over by the Kroger on Cardova street.


ETHAN: Oh, that’s my district, wonderful. Good to meet some constituents. How do you like the dog park, Andrew? I fought for it very hard.


ANDREW: Its great, but my wife and I are more concerned about Trump. Lisa?


LISA: He needs to be impeached! Can you impeach him?


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: Uh, no, my jurisdiction doesn’t extend that far. I could impeach the Mayor, but not the President-not that I would impeach the Mayor. I have full confidence in the Mayor.


ANDREW: Paul Ryan says he has “full confidence” in President Trump, can’t you tell him to impeach him already?


LISA: I mean, did you see the Comey memo? It’s obstruction of justice! Not to mention when he admitted to firing Comey over Russia!

ETHAN: I agree, I think it’s obstruction of justice, and he should be impeached, but I would encourage you to write your Congressman about that.


ANDREW: And who would that be?


ETHAN: Peter Welch.


LISA: Why can’t YOU impeach him!?


ETHAN: I feel like I went over this- (Ethan notices Anella walking by) excuse me for a moment.


(Ethan runs after Anella and her dog. Ethan taps Anella on the shoulder, and she turns around)


ANELLA: Oh, if it isn’t my male privileged white knight here to mansplain the dog park to me.


ETHAN: What? Come on, you’re being crazy. Okay, wrong choice of words. But seriously, what are you talking about?


ANELLA: Did you just propose this dog park because you knew I wanted it?


ETHAN: You wanted this?


ANELLA: Jesus Christ, Ethan.


ETHAN: I may have noticed you doing activist stuff, but I was going to do this anyway.


ANELLA: Really? When Hansbay is so broke that the schools are phasing out doors?


ETHAN: As long as no doors break, they can stay!


ANELLA: Stop lying.


ETHAN: I did it for you! Doesn’t that mean something?!

ANELLA: What do you want me to do? Get on my knees and kiss your shoes? Take off my shirt and put it on YOUR back?


ETHAN: Why do these sentences keep starting suggestively?


ANELLA: Because you’re a pig!


ETHAN: I don’t expect anything in return for this, okay? There’s no grand plan to get you back. I just wanted you and… (Ethan looks down at Anella’s Beagle) Beagey-


ANELLA: His name is Noam Chomp-sky.


ETHAN: Right, I just wanted you and Noam Chomp-sky to enjoy it. So, you’re welcome. I’m glad to serve a constituent.


(Ethan smile and walks away. Anella looks to the side)


ANELLA: …My councilman is Graves….


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking on the streets of Tokyo, holding hands)


SARAH: Those girls finally like me.


RYAN: Yeah, well, that’s great.


SARAH: Isn’t it, though?


RYAN: I mean. People liking you isn’t everything.


SARAH: What do you mean?


RYAN: A lot of people back in America don’t like me, and honestly, I don’t mind. Less bullshit to deal with.


SARAH: Well, I don’t think it’s bullshit. I want people to like me.


RYAN: Have you noticed how shitty the taste of most people is? They can’t get enough Coca-Cola, Twenty-One Pilots and Donald Trump. Do you want to be included in that crowd?


SARAH: Ryan. I was slut-shamed by an entire city. So I hope you don’t fucking mind if I want to find some friends here.


(Sarah lets go of Ryan’s hand. Ryan sighs)


RYAN: …I’m sorry, okay? I just, got jealous.


SARAH: If you want this to work out again, you better grow up.


(Ryan nods, as they happen upon the parking lot, but their car is gone)


RYAN: What the hell?! Where’s my car?!


(The parking lot attendant walks over to them)


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Sorry, tow truck guy insisted. I tried to tell him- “stop that, Ryan is waiting!!!” But, he took it away.


(Ryan takes out twenty-three hundred yen)


RYAN: But I have the money!


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: You now have to double that and take it to the mini golf place in Taito ward.


RYAN: Taito city? We live in Taito city.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Yeah, it’s right across from Dolce apartments.


RYAN: Oh shit, that’s our complex. That must be that place we can see from our balcony.


SARAH: Alright, let’s go.


PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: I warn you. Don’t slip up.


RYAN: Oh, God.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah standing outside ?????)


SARAH: Why didn’t we wonder why a mini golf place would have towed cars?


RYAN: Because I figured this has to do with Yakuza.


SARAH: Oh, Christ, don’t say that.


RYAN: Don’t worry, Sarah-su. All we have to do is give them 4600 yen, get our car, and never talk to them again. Mobsters are usually pretty business-like and…reasonable.


SARAH: Let’s just get this over with.


RYAN: Yeah.


(Ryan and Sarah walk into the Mini-Golf place. Cut to inside. It is a run-down room with a few makeshift mini-golf structures and several red velvet chairs being occupied by suited, Japanese Yakuza members. Ryan and Sarah walk up to them. Several bodyguards emerge from corners)


SARAH: Oh, God.


RYAN: ?????.


(SUBTITLE: Excuse me)


SARAH: (Whispering) What are you doing?


RYAN: (Whispering) You’re right, I’ve burned out the Japanese I know.


YAKUZA BOSS: Who are you two?


RYAN: Oh, good, you know English. Hello, honorable sir, my name is Ryan, and this is my girlfriend Sarah. We had our car towed, and we’re here to pay and pick it up.


(Ryan bows)


SARAH: Nice touch.


YAKUZA BOSS: Where is the yen?


RYAN: Here.


(Ryan takes out 4,600 yen and hands it to the Yakuza boss, who takes it and stuffs it in his jacket)


YAKUZA BOSS: You can take your car. As long as you tell us your full name and where you live.


SARAH: Oh, well-


RYAN: Sir, we can just-


(Ashton walks into the room, wearing a suit and holding a glass of sake)


ASHTON: Don’t worry, Hirohito. I can provide you with that information.


SARAH: What the fuck?!


RYAN: Shhhh. Ashton, what are you doing here? You work for them?


ASHTON: Who do you think got your car towed?


RYAN: But why?!


ASHTON: I don’t like being upstaged in my own GODDAMN house.


HIROHITO: Shut up, little boy, for a second.


ASHTON: Yes sir.


(Ashton dutifully sits down on the side of a couch)


HIROHITO: You two have no respect for my errand boy Ashton. Now you pay price. You, Ryan, will keep buying his cannabis. You will come to his parties. You will text him compliment now and then. You have it?


(Ryan takes a deep breath)


RYAN: …Yes sir.


HIROHITO: Good. Ashton, bring these people to their car.


(Ryan and Sarah, clearly pissed, follow Ashton outside to the parking lot. They see Ryan’s rental car. Ashton throws Ryan the keys and he catches them)


ASHTON: I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship, bro.


(Ashton extends his fest, expecting a fist bump. Ryan looks at it. Ryan reluctantly bumps it)


RYAN: Leave Sarah out of this.


(Ryan and Sarah get in the car, and drives away, as Ashton watches. Cut to Ethan watching Quinn Porter report the news in his apartment)


QUINN PORTER: Capping off a week of controversy, wherein he revealed classified info to the Russians, it became apparent that he may have tried to obstruct justice in the Michael Flynn investigation, and former FBI Director Robert Mueller was named as the special prosecutor in the Trump-Russia collusion investigation, President Trump has left the country to embark on a nine-day international trip, the first of his Presidency.


ETHAN: At least he’s left the country. Jesus, we should lock the doors and turn out the lights once he tries to come back.


QUINN: He will visit Saudi Arabia tomorrow, and give a speech on Islam, written by Stephen Miller, the author of the Muslim ban.


ETHAN: Well, that’s a natural choice.


QUINN: Reportedly, the President’s briefings on the trip included his name a lot, because apparently, he keeps reading if he’s mentioned. (Quinn sighs) Jesus Christ.


ETHAN: Yep. (Ethan looks up) Please, impeachment Gods, be kind to us in the next six months to a year.


(Ethan looks at his laptop to see Facebook notification, saying that “Anella Carpenter liked your post!” Ethan smiles and goes to the post. The post is a picture of Ethan and Mayor Satch holding the pen that signed the dog park bill. Ethan smiles and sits back. The camera slowly zooms out, and we fade to black)



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