Jazz

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a letter to my future partner and also a short story, detailing my experiences in love and the lessons I've learned. Please any feedback is welcome

Submitted: May 22, 2017

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Submitted: May 22, 2017

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Jazz

 

Love is probably one of the most painful and exciting emotions anyone can ever experience. I can attest to that because right now I'm trying to deal with the negative side effects of failed love. Was it my fault or hers? I'm still not entirely sure and there are far too many if's, buts and maybe to completely identify what went wrong.

Consider what I write as my story, from the very beginning of my first crush and then all the way to you, who knows this story could take me mere weeks to write or it could take years.

At this point in time it's the end of May, twenty seventeen. And once again I've had my heart broken but  this time it feels different, not just only because I truly felt I had met the girl I would spend the rest of my life with even if I am only twenty one but because she just seemed so perfect. Everything about her just continuously seemed to stun me, I felt immortal and probably the happiest I had ever been because for the first time I didn't feel like I was the only one lost in how deeply I felt.

That’s not the case right now but maybe you get the idea.

Love is such a pure and unrestrictive emotion. It drives us towards happiness and steers us towards misery. She is a fickle creature love and this time around it feels like the real deal and I really do not want to let her go, no matter how much she has hurt me and torn me apart from the inside out I hold on to her like a crocodile in a death roll. I wasn't expecting it to turn out the way it did and I never thought it would go as far as it did from when I first sent her that message.

But enough about her, her story will come later and no doubt will be the most in depth telling of how we met and how hard I fell for her, it will be a masterpiece and I hope she reads it, maybe she will understand what she meant to me.

 

This story of my love life is something that maybe one day I will show to the girl I end up with, I will not be ashamed because I know that she will understand and accept who I am in a way maybe none of the other girls I courted throughout my twenty one years of living would understand. So many will ask how I can justify a story when I am still so young with so much of the world still to experience and so many more people to meet. I justify it in the way there is no story like the meeting of your first true love and the story that leads you to the moment of courage it takes to make contact with that person.

My first crush was at school naturally and I was 15, I was young but does that mean I cannot experience an emotion or a feeling like love or affection for another human being? No way, at least not in my opinion.

We as a species are capable of truly terrible judgement and a lack of acceptance, of great jealousy and a primal desire to prove how great we are to others.

I myself am guilty of such questionable qualities and at the age I was I lived in a constant state of flux and rolling emotions that I couldn't control or understand at the time, at least not completely and so this story starts with an athletics carnival.

 

I will not hold back the names of the people in my story and I will not hold back the truth either. The decisions I made and every single thought that was going through my head in the past have all led to this moment.

15 and smitten I was, to a girl who I knew deep down would either end up being a bad influence on me or I would be a good influence on her.

Jahaskia or Jazz for short

Most people called her Jazz but it doesn't feel right to start a story about a person and not use their proper name. I always used to say and I still think it to be mostly true but you cannot count any relationship or love interest before you turn 16. Why?

Because simply I was of the opinion for a long time that the human mind is still to immature to process the thought of love and maybe that is why we call them a crush in our younger years, a substitute name for something we just are not mentally ready to deal with. Did I love Jazz? No probably not but did I have strong feelings for her at that age? I like to believe that I did.

She was part of a stage in my life when I was removing myself from the shell that I had drawn around myself since starting high school. I had never felt overly smart despite many people around me telling me otherwise and I always preferred the company of books to that of people. I could get lost in my daydreams and my thoughts and know that I would not suffer the potential judgment of my classmates. I was bullied because of that ideal I held in my head, I was socially anxious, I had absolutely no idea how to deal with other people let alone a girl and I was immature.

So very immature.

But I don't think anyone has ever had an effect of change on me like Jazz did. It was because I started to like this girl that I crawled out of my head and started on the path of who I am today. I'm still not completely sure who I am but there are parts of me that I do know some things about and one of them is that I am extremely impulsive. I make decisions before I think them through and I spend more time running with my heart and my emotions the using my head. That is my fatal flaw.

I can still remember the day I actually noticed Jazz. It was a day like any other and it's been 7 years so for obvious reasons I can't remember what day of the week it was but I remember where I was. The library. Where else would I have been during my school's lunchtime but in the library and reading. I simply remember walking up the stairs after eating my rather boring sandwich and seeing her sitting there with one of her friends, looking at a laptop screen and giggling to themselves. I remember this fact because it was Jazz's laugh which drew my eyes from the book I was reading again and again over those precious forty minutes I had each day to read. At first I sat there annoyed out of my brain because it was distracting as hell, this loud piercing laugh that was cutting into my reading. Then Instead of moving away like I normally would have and returning to reading my book I paused. And I actually listened.

It's funny what sort of recon you can get away with if people think you are too busy doing something else  to pay attention to them. I was able to garner from where I was sitting ten metres away that somehow Jazz and her friend had managed to break through our schools internet security and were now messaging a boy at another school through msn.

Ahh what a time to be alive. Technology.

It was everywhere and it was becoming a time that instead of pen's and paper to write down our notes we typed instead onto government issued laptops to be used for school. What fools they were these adults, and us kids not even legally allowed to drink had worked out a way to bypass these restrictions the adults had placed on us. The boys used them for GTA, Minecraft, Porn and the distribution of music while the girls transferred photos, movies and talking to each other over social media. Facebook was only a couple years old at this stage, slowly beginning its dominance and Myspace was now on the decline yet still used by the generation who was now too late to the party but still tried to get in anyway.

And I heard these girls, at first I thought that maybe they were making fun of this boy on the other side of the internet, asking how many times he had kissed a girl or how big his penis was, we were kids and I was fascinated by this aspect of the conversation, my experience at this age was limited to that of which I had read in books or the movies that I wasn't allowed to watch at home but did anyway as soon as I was left alone in the house.

The conversation was bizarre and interesting but also taboo in my mind, I listened anyway. For forty minutes.

I stopped reading for forty minutes to listen to two girls talk to this boy over msn.

And Jazz's laughing went from being annoying to something I couldn't wait to hear again, I sat there and I listened with an intent I wasn't even sure I was capable of.

This routine of their continued for the next couple days, me initially being annoyed at these two girls ruining my reading then hanging onto their every word just to hear her laugh. They eventually stopped coming to the library and my only guess is they lost interest in the boy after a couple weeks and I was alone again. I still craved that laugh though.

So for the first time in four years I broke my habit of forty minutes and reading to venture out into our schools yard to find Jazz and her laugh which I had begun to miss.

This led to perhaps the greatest personal change in my life.

I had few friends in school, mostly due to the fact I liked my solitude and rarely had much in common with others but the few friends I did have I am still friends with today, two of them are like my brothers. Fortunately one of these friends of mine Wyatt was actually part of her clique at school, so it was fairly simple to assume that my sudden appearance in this group of people was due to him being there. I can still see these people today looking at me with confusion when I had emerged from the library, this freak, this bookworm was here? Why?

I started a conversation with Wyatt about Halo, it was a solid subject and one we never failed to be able to talk about, there were others there, people I didn't like and people who didn't like me. I didn't like them for the simple fact that some were bullies plain and simple, they didn't like me cause they thought me a weirdo and an outsider and I was fine with that, it meant I didn't have to interact with them.

My first goal was to find out things about this girl I only knew as Jazz, what was she into? What music did she like? And the most important question of all, did she have a boyfriend?

It was disheartening to find out that she was taken and now at this stage in my life I have encountered more women that I am attracted to and are taken then those that are single. But I stayed anyway perhaps if I waited long enough with time she would be single and I would have a chance to get to know this girl. Had I asked the question from the start about who she was actually dating I probably would have ended up with her sooner.

Six months. Six months she was with that guy after I initially asked the question and she had been with him for two years already.

Once I get something in my head I tend to not let go very easy, I like to know everything about the situation and my questions more often than not revealed my intentions. It caused me more harm than good and over time I learned to get better at this sort of emotional espionage but at 15 I wasn't very good with people due to my lack of experience.

But I waited 6 months and not once in that time did I try and talk to her, it wasn't my place and it wasn't right to simply interfere with another person's relationship, at least at the time that was what I thought and it was my honest belief as well. That ideal would change more than once over the following seven years.

In the end I learned when she was single it was because they had been doing long distance for two years and he had cheated on her, I can't remember his exact age but I know he was a lot older than me or her. With that knowledge I waited a month. I figured it was probably the appropriate time to wait for her to be over him and ready to move on and talk to another guy. During the last six months however some things had changed with me that I never saw coming.

I stopped reading as much and started to spend more time outside with this group of people.

I made some more friends, people I didn't realise who I had stuff in common with and without even planning for it I had become part of this group of people simply because I wanted to chase a girl. I also learned that those people that I thought were bullies in this time were not actually part of the group of people and were instead just drifters in-between groups of the various cliques of my year group. Some were there to chase girls just as I was and some were there to chase leftover lunches or scab money from some of the kids whose parents were better off than others.

I waited a month, told myself I would be a gentleman, I'm glad I did because it payed of, waiting never helped again and it's probably why I put myself in the worst positions.

I got to know Jazz, turns out we had reading in common although she wasn't as crazy as me but she recommended me a book and I read it, something about witches and magic but I enjoyed it strangely enough and before I knew it we were talking about books, our ideals and where we hoped to go in the future. At 15 I wanted to join the army or air force like my dad had before me and I can't quite remember what she wanted to do but it was along the lines of singing and helping kids in difficult homes.

We had different plans for the future at that stage and very different life experiences, she had moved over from New Zealand and I was the sheltered eldest child of 6 siblings. One thing that I always found funny about her family was the ridiculous name her mother had insisted upon naming her younger daughter, Chardonnay. It was bizarre and made me laugh every time I heard it.

To be perfectly honest with you I never expected Jazz to like me because I always thought she would prefer Steven who was one of her very good friends. He was stockier than I was, taller and better looking in my opinion. But it took some serious prodding from one of her friends for me to work out that she liked me, then it took me another two weeks to actually get the balls to ask her to be my girlfriend. Around this time we were coming to the end of Year 10, I planned to continue onwards to the HSC but she was unsure of what she was going to do because she hated school, our exams were mostly done and we went to  our formal together. It was 3 months of happiness for the both of us I think because we could talk and hang out and surprisingly for school we had no drama.

That is until one day during a extracurricular lesson I participated in every Thursday I started talking to this girl. I don't remember her name, what I do remember is that she almost ruined a lot of my friendships and changed a lot of dynamics within the group. She was two years younger than the majority of the people in our group but was very manipulative and used her assets to her advantage, mostly the two attached to her chest. I had this class with her every Thursday afternoon and over time she began to talk to me, slowly weaving her way into our group and I thought nothing of it, maybe it was because she recognised me from lunchtimes but either way it slowly became clear what she wanted. She began to flirt, at first with some of my friends and then with me. I was very clear to start off with and very self-controlled, then things started to get rocky with me and Jazz. We never really kissed or hung out much outside of school and I was starting to feel isolated, this girl used that to her advantage and started to ask questions about whether I was a virgin and how many girls I had kissed which had been limited to about 3 at the time of 15, not your standard peck but normal kissing. Then out came the statement that burns me to this day "your just frigit" and like the idiot I am I caved. I wanted to prove I wasn’t and from these simple words started a chain reaction that would cause so many things in my life to become messed up and ruined over time. To prove I wasn't I started to flirt back, I knew I had a girlfriend but I didn't care, I wanted to prove that I was a man at the age of fifteen. I was an idiot and I was also a male.

So one Thursday whilst we were walking back to the classroom she cornered me on one of the walkways behind school, saying if I wasn't frigid I would have tried to kiss her, it was then I tried and I almost did.

I walked up close to her and she put her hands around my neck then she got very close and whispered not today then walked off. It is still one of the most confusing experiences of my entire life. I didn’t know what to think and instantly felt like maybe she changed her mind.

But I felt horrible, I felt guilty and I swore I would never do something like that again. The next day I broke up with Jazz and I didn't tell her why, just said that I didn't like her anymore and that we probably weren't right for each other.

I regretted that decision the majority of the following year when she started dating a person who I was once very good friends with. Funny thing is now Jazz and him have 2 kids together last time I heard.

Maybe I dodged a theoretical bullet or maybe If I hadn't been as stupid as I was we would have been together longer and instead of watching her be with another guy I once called a friend.

About 4 years after that we actually ended up talking again and even hung out a couple times, never went any further than dinner mainly because I just couldn't date a girl who had a kid with one of my friends, not in good conscience.

And so ends the story of the first girl I ever really liked, it took me 4 years to apologise to her and explain what happened and why I did what I did. She ended up forgiving me and understanding which I never expected, probably because we were both older and more mature at that point but nevertheless my pursuit of her made me the person I am today in a way and the way I am now.

She brought me out of my shell, I became a more open person and discovered friends I never thought I would have. I also learned that sometime being patient and waiting is better than jumping into things, I also promised myself I would never make the mistake of even considering being with another person when my time should be invested in the person I am with. I vowed never to cheat, I also vowed that I wouldn't give up on a person ever if I truly believed in them.

 

So ends my first chapter, the beginning of my origin story into the ocean of love and as cheesy as that sounds it is the truth. There is so much opportunity out there to find love, and so many reasons as to why you can't give up on meeting someone who will be perfect for you in the end. It's always better to move on instead of returning to an Ex I think, not unless you can identify the issues that you had previously and promise to work on them together.

 

There are still many more people in this list of mine and I feel like i have only just scratched the surface. I will continue to write these as short stories for now some may appear longer than others or contradict what i have written before but just be aware that they are stories about the lessons i learned from each and the personal growth that led me to where i am right now in life.

Next up is Jade.


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