letters to the lost

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
so i don't write a lot and i'm also dyslexic but i thought id try my had at it. let me know what you think!

Submitted: May 25, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 25, 2017

A A A

A A A


 

 

Deer, loved one. If that’s a good thing to call you.

 

Life has been hard since you “left”.

 

God dammit. I’m shitting here trying to figure out what to say to you and I’m stumped. I feel Like a piece of me was taken with you when you “left”.

 

Fuck how cheesy does that sound? I sound like an anksty tenager. Full of bulshit that sounds heart felt but has been said a thousand times before by a thousand different people. I guess because it's exactly how it feels when you lose someone. I just don't want this to be some sort of shitty letter that could probably be called plagiarism by at least a hundred different people.

I keep thinking to myself that I would have been better off never knowing you but then I remember Id still be some nerd who sits on his computer all day playing games and watching movies. I would have never started reading if it weren't for you. I would have never seen some of my favorite movies. I finished reading all those books you recommended me along time ago.

The last one on that list “Hunger Makes Me A Modern Girl” was particularly good. I credit myself as quite the rock on roll fan but somehow I had never heard of Sleater-Kinney. Maybe I just listen to too much mainstream stuff usually. I’m not sure how to feel about Sleater-Kinney. I think wille there good their music seems kinda amateurish. But in a good way, like they don’t give a shit what people actually think of there music, they are making their music for them not us, we're just along for the ride and are welcome to get off at any time.

I wish I could belong to something like that. Just a few people doing something super fun and not trying to impress anybody with it. I just want to be a part of something again. But I’m still learning to live without you and as you know I’m not the best at making friends.

Ive gone back to living online. I can make friends there a lot easier and you can experience some great stories in games too. I think you would have liked “Life Is Strange” it's about angsty teens but I feel like they're the kind of girls who would listen to Sleater-Kinney. I’ve recently played though “the Witcher 3” it’s now one of my all time favorite games. Overwatch is where I make most of my friends. We meat in a match and if we work well together we stay together. The problem is, I only talk to them in game so we're not exactly close.

Sorry. I’m going on about stuff you probably don’t even care about. It,s just hard to talk about the things that really matter. I keep wanting to talk about important stuff but every time I even think about our time together I get too upset and It’s like I turn into a statue I can't move until I think about something else. You're like a black hole in my mind sucking up my every thought and i can't escape you. You changed my life for the better but i can't help sometimes wishing i never met you, never let this black hole take root inside my head. You're no longer here and you still hold me captive.

 

Deer, loved one.

 

I’m sorry about my last letter to you. I got upset and suked in to that black hole. But its ok now, im doing a lot better today. I’m hope it lasts I don't want to get stuck in my head things get dark and I tend to be a depressed whiny loser. But you know that already. God knows how many times you have listened to me whine about things. Sometimes those things are crazy stupid too. I kinda embarrassed to think about some of the things I’ve told you.

I left the house today. I mostly did so because I ran out of food so I needed to go to the store. The cashier there was quite noice. I wish i was better at talking to people. I think we could have had a great conversation. I just sorta grunted and looked at the ground though. She probably thought I was a druggie or something with the way I was dressed. I was wearing my sweatshirt, the one that looks like it was pulled out of a dumpster and not even a homeless man would wear it. And not a single pair of my jeans are hole free.

 

I went then went to the panda express because I didn't want to cook I was already shaking from the one social interaction I had that day but i wanted to push myself as far as I could. The Woman working there sounded like she was indeed form some east asian country and when I pulled up  I thought she looked like it too. She handed me my food and said a few things like “thankyou” and “have a good day” a few times and I could tell she didn't have very good english. It made me think about how i wish I could learn a second language at least that well. I never could but it would be nice.

I keep thinking back to when I was a whole person. My life was boring but at least I could talk to people. I’ve been out of high school for almost two years and it’s been a year since you “left” and I’m finally putting myself back together again. I think I might try and get a job soon. When I get the hang of talking to people again. I can only live with my parents for so long. They don’t like to take care of me but they know I’m having trouble. There trying to get me to see a therapist. Maybe I should. But for now Ill stick to doing grocery runs now and then and maybe doing chores around the house. I’ll get there, I’m just not there yet.

 
 


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