"Whatever the thing we call it" - The love I encountered in a far away land

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: May 27, 2017

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Submitted: May 27, 2017

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People often say ‘you never know when you fall in love, how you fall in love and with whom you fall in love’. My definition of ‘Love’ always centered on ‘family’. I never believed that it was possible to love someone outside ‘family’. In other words, I thought falling in love with a stranger was highly impossible. My mindset was almost fixed on the thought that people are faking it, but then I realized I see ‘genuine love’ everyday, right in the place where I lived, between these two amazing people who gave life to me and who used to be strangers years ago. I was clueless about love. Part of me wanted to believe in love and part of me did not want to. I knew from my past experiences that I have never ever had genuine feelings for anyone. So I thought my life would go on like that and I would never fall in love. But then, future happened and it taught me a different lesson.

Let me start my story from the very beginning. I was never the girl who felt the need of a boyfriend even when all of my friends started going out with their boyfriends. Sometimes I wondered why I don’t have feelings like rest of the people. I did have crushes but I wasn’t willing to engage in a relationship. I never felt the need to be loved by someone else other than family. For me, family is everything I ever needed. I have wonderful parents and wonderful siblings, whom I love so much. And they have never failed to love me back. When I was little I thought I could have all of them to myself and we will live together until we die. But soon I realized ‘life will not be nice to you for a very long time’.

Time passed, I finished schooling and entered university. But my feelings remained the same. Still, I did not want that ‘crap’ people seem to enjoy. “I’m sorry. I’m not interested.” was the only reply I had for the guys who asked me out. I remember one particular guy in my university. He asked me out and as usual, I refused his offer to ‘be his girlfriend’. But we stayed friends and texted for a while. Couple of times he told me that he was still interested in me. I thought ‘why not give him a chance?’. It was more like telling myself ‘give yourself a chance to see how you would react’. No need to say, it was a failure. An utter failure. It lasted for like three months. We did not have sex, it was just texting and very brief kisses (maximum two or three times I guess). I realized I enjoyed my ‘freedom’ and ‘sleep’ more than everything. I know I never loved him (but honestly I tried). I felt stupid for putting myself in that situation. You cannot force yourself to love someone! You just cannot! That is one thing I learned out of it. I told him how I felt and closed that chapter forever. Trust me, after doing that I felt relieved and I was happy. So I told myself “Relationships are not really your thing, young lady!”.

I was 20+ when I finished my degree, and soon I landed a job in a reputed company in a far away land. It was not my dream job but I wanted to give it a try. Right after my 21st birthday, I flew away from my paradise island and landed on this far away land.

On my very first day in the far away land, I met ‘this’ man. He was the man whom I fell in love with, for the very first time in my life. He was my Prince Charming. Atleast I thought he was! He made me realize that ‘falling in love’ was possible. If I tell you my story, I know you would judge me. But I will anyway continue. And yes! All your judgemental thoughts are warmly welcomed.

As soon as I landed, a representative from the company picked me from the airport and dropped me in my accomodation, which became my new home. There were two other girls in my apartment who got recruited on the same day. When I was at the airport, I connected to Wi-Fi and called my parents, and I promised them I would call them soon and update. I did not get time to buy a new SIM card at the airport, so as soon as I reached the accommodation, the only thing that was on my mind was the SIM card. I went to my room, kept my bags and headed my way out. I asked the girls whether they have bought SIM cards. They said they have not and joined with me. We went to a nearby shop and the shop did not have SIM cards for the network operator we wanted. So we headed to another small shop nearby. One of the girls wanted to go to an exchange to exchange her money and we asked the cashier for a place. He said he is not aware of any places nearby and the place he knew was far. While we three were talking, one guy entered the shop, bought something and left. I didn’t see him clearly as I only noticed him leaving the shop. I did not hear him making any comments, but the girls have heard him saying casually “seems like you are lost”, before he left the shop. I don’t know about the other girls, but yes, ‘I’ got lost. But not on that day and not in that place. I got lost days after, in his world.

We soon came out of the shop and was searching for options to go to an exchange. This guy, whom I briefly saw in the shop, was walking in front of us and one of the girls decided to ask him for the directions to a money exchange. He mentioned about couple of places and since we were new to the town he gave us a lift. One thing I liked about this man was the way he talked with us. He learned we were new to the town and he offered us a lift in a very gentleman way. His exact words were “If you guys are okay to go with me, I can drop you there”. And a girl replied “We don’t know how to get back in here”. He smiled and said “Don’t worry, I will take you there and bring you back. I live here anyway”. I was silent all this time and remained the same. Then this girl who wanted to go to the exchange asked from me and the other girl whether we were okay to go (with this stranger we just met on the road). I replied “Yeah, I’m fine” in a low tone. His car was parked right next to where we stood and as promised he took us and brought us back. On the way, we talked with this stranger and learned that he was working for the same company where we were about to get started. He gave us his number and told us to call him if we needed any help.

Neither of us called him, and he did not ask for our numbers to call us either. It was after 2 days we heard from him again. The girls were in the kitchen and I went to the washroom to take a shower. They have received a call in our landline, asking for me. The one who answered the phone has told that I was in the bathroom, and then he has introduced him by the name and this girl has soon recognized him. He has talked with the two girls for a while and the girls have told him that we were supposed to go to the company on the next day, morning. Since he was going the same way, around the same time, he has told the girls that he could drop us there. Girls have agreed and when I came out, they told me what happened.

So, the next day, we got dressed and stepped outside. He was in the car in front of our building, waiting for us. That was the first time I took a good look at him. He was wearing a white shirt and he looked very attractive to me. I told the girls “Wow! He looks good!”. One of the things I still like about him is the sexy specs he wore. They were ideal for him. I always loved his ‘specs-look’ and I’ve told him countless times that he looked sexy with them.

Days passed, we started chatting and he called us once in a while to check how we were doing. One of the girls created a WhatsApp group and we all messaged there. One day, I received a personal WhatsApp message from him with a simple ‘hello, how are you doing?’. I replied to his message and then we two started chatting everyday. Me and the girls got closer with him and his friend, and became frequent visitors at his place. The two girls liked him just as much as I liked him. They used to tell me that he liked me more than he liked them. I told them that they were crazy, but I knew his affection towards me was very visible.

I liked him from the beginning and according to him, he has liked me from the very first day itself. He still can remember what I was wearing on the first day and how I behaved. One night, he was bit drunk, and called me and said that he loved me. And he talked with me over the phone for 48 minutes that night. Next day he called me and asked what we were talking for ’48’ minutes. He said he remembers some and he just wants to confirm it. I did not tell him as I was trying to tease him. In less than two months knowing each other, we knew we were developing feelings for each other. Time kept on running, we talked everyday and we both knew we loved each other. He told me he loved me and I told him I did the same. I knew I loved him, but at first I did not realize what kind of a ‘love’ it was. A ‘brother-sister love’ or a ‘lover-love’. He was older than me for good eight years and I knew he was someone that I can confide myself in. I did not want to get physical with him because of one reason. I will soon let you know and then you all can start judging me. One day he sent me a message saying “Be honest. Didn’t you want to kiss me today?”. I told him that my answer would not make any difference. He said he would take it as “No” and I said “Yes, I fucking did. But I can’t let that happen because I’m me”. He said he wanted to hug me tightly, hold me in his arms and kiss me. He said he could go on kissing me for hours and hours, but he assured he would never do that. However, next day we were at his place and that night we shared our first kiss. At first I didn’t want to let him kiss me, but he was holding me so tightly that I could not possibly move. And part of me didn’t want to stop him. He kissed me for a very long time (indeed ‘hours and hours’) that my lips started hurting. But it was nice. It was not my first kiss since I’ve kissed that guy from the university. They were very brief, plain, childish kisses on the lips with no feelings (maximum three times it happened). But this kiss with my Prince Charming was the kiss that I will remember as my first real kiss. When I recall, eventhough I feel guilty, I know I loved every second of it. Now let me tell you something about this man whom I dearly love to this date. Let me tell you why I felt guilty. He was married. And I knew it from the beginning. That’s where I can relate myself to the opening sentence of this article. You all can start judging me now, but let me finish my story.

We kissed, we hugged each other and slept but we did not go beyond that. And then he went home for vacation for 3 weeks. I remember he kissed me on my forehead and told me to be safe until he comes back. I thought I will not hear from him again until he gets back but he called to check up on me every chance he got. I learned he has become a father through Facebook. I was shocked. I was wondering why he didnt tell me this. Was he afraid to lose me? Or he didn’t wanna tell me because I’m just a side chick? I thought about it for a long time and at the end, I sent a simple text saying “Congratulations!”. He said he was waiting until I say that. He said he knew that I wanted to tell it and that I was holding back. “You wanted to say it, but you didn’t. You couldn’t hold it any further so you said it”. Yes that was exactly what happened. He knew me more than I knew myself. He took a video call and showed his baby to me and later sent his photos. Such a cutie he was. I wished I had a child with him. But this man is not my man and he will never be mine. One thing I should add here. I always felt guilty when I was with him. But I was determined from the beginning that I would stop this when he becomes a dad. He became a dad sooner than I thought. And ‘no’, even after he became a dad, things didn’t change. I just didn’t want to lose him. I wanted him in whatever the way I can have him. As a brother or as a friend. I thought when he came back things would be different and I would associate him as a friend. But no, he was the same man who left three weeks ago.

Every opportunity I got, I told him to bring his wife and baby here because baby will not be close to him if he stays far away from him. He said he is planning to bring them down and I was genuinely happy for him. He knew that as well. He knew that I would genuinely feel happy for him eventhough it clearly means that I will lose him.

In this far away land, he was all I had. Have you ever come across people who makes you feel like home when you are far away from your real home? Well, for me, this man’s presence made me feel like I was home. I was being myself with him and he appreciated it. I did all the crazy things that I would do with my father and my brothers. He didn’t mind at all, just like them, so I felt comfortable. I just loved that feeling. I’m a very family oriented person and he knew that. I missed my family but he made me feel comfortable every time I needed it. Thanks to his presence, I was doing very fine and I was very happy in this little piece of land which was far away from my home land.

I knew from the very beginning that this man’s life was complicated. He had two phones. His wife had no idea about the second phone he owned. He constantly got calls from ‘women’ whom he answered in private (but he used to answer his wife’s calls in front of me). I was not curious about them and I never dared to ask him about them. I wanted him to have his own privacy. Once or twice I have noticed him sending hearts and stuff to these women. Sometimes I felt curious. But no, I did not ask him who they were. Who am I anyway to question him right? But when I’m curious about something else, I ask him straight away. He knew that, and he loved it because he could torture me, mentally by not saying it. And I would torture him physically until he says it. It was fun. We had good times together. And nice memories. He used to take my phone and use it but I never wanted to touch his phones. Eventhough he has asked me to take calls from his phone, I never did that. He has told me some stories from past but not about these women whom he got calls. And he knew that I knew he was having complicated relationships everywhere. I’ve overheard some conversations (When I hear them, I always used to tell him that he was too loud and I heard them. I’m not a person who eavesdrop), and definitely they were not ‘just’ women. I never bothered to think about them and tried to spend my time happily with him.

We texted everyday, we talked everyday, we kissed everyday, sometimes we got naked in bed and our relationship went on like that. I always wondered what to call the ‘thing’ we had. It was love but it was not a proper relationship and I couldn’t give it a name. I remember one day he said “…the relationship we have, or whatever the thing we call it..”. Funny! Isn’t it?

We knew we were getting closer day by day and more than once he has told me that he doesn’t want to see me in pain and doesn’t want me to be sad because of him. He said his life is already decided and if we get more closer it would be hard for us to part. He said he doesn’t want me to feel lost.

With time I felt like he started ignoring me. I realized he has stopped saying ‘I love you’. Did I question? No. Questioning is not really my thing. I would question only when I cannot bear it anymore. So I just lived like that. But I got to know he was doing it on purpose because one day he called me and said “you must have realized that I don’t say ‘I love you’ anymore. I don’t want you to be in pain. Don’t love me. Just hate me. You will find a good guy”. And this time also he was drunk. With time I received less phone calls and less text messages. When I get a text or a call, I laughed and used to ask him “So now you remember me only when you get drunk?”. Although I was hurt I managed to laugh in front of him, just like I used to do. The only time I heard him saying “I love you” was when he was drunk. Finally I asked from him “What did I do wrong?” because day by day it was becoming worse and worse. He never answered my question. I really wanted to know what was wrong with me or what went wrong. But he wasn’t the one who was willing to tell me that. And for your information, I never got the answer and I’m still searching for it. I told him I was waiting for a parting like “I think we should stop”. It would not hurt because I knew from the beginning that he was married and I did not expect anything from him. I’m strong-hearted and I knew I could take it when he says “It’s time!”. All I wanted was a proper ending but I did not get it. Don’t I deserve that? Or would you say karma served me right?

Although I mentioned earlier that we got naked, we never did it. I was a virgin and he knew I wasn’t ready to do it yet. I saw the respect he had for me because he did not want to do something that I didn’t want to. I know for a married man (and for someone who has had lot of sex with lot of women), it was a hard thing to do. He told me that he had never controlled his feelings with anyone like he did with me. And he admitted sometimes he had felt the need to do it so badly with me but he has controlled every time. I sometimes think he wanted to go away from me because I did not give him the things he wanted. I was a side chick anyway. Wasn’t I? Sex is all that is expected from a side chick. Isn’t it?

Later he and his friend moved to another apartment and after that I did not see him much. I never visited him there. I never asked from him where he lived. To be honest, I still don’t know to which place he moved.

Now let me tell you a side story which is like pepper and salt to my own story. More like only pepper to myself. I hope you remember that I met this man with another two girls who got recruited on the same day, and who lived in the same apartment as mine. One girl had a boyfriend and she was out of the scene. She had her own story but let me stick to mine. The other girl who was with me, the one who wanted to go to the money exchange, was fond of this man whom I fell in love with. I knew it from the beginning and I did not mind at all. Because I knew he liked me and he was with me all the time even in front of her and his friends. And one day I accidentally saw a message he has sent her saying that “I’m not ignoring you. I’m close with her (my name)”. I felt happy after seeing that message. I felt like he has given at least some kind of importance to me. However, another day, a certain thing happened and I saw something that I did not expect from him. That girl, him and me, we all were in his room. I did not know what to do after I saw that and I went to the washroom, straight away. He was waiting outside for me, calling my name. I told him “I’ll come” in a very calm tone. When I came out, I said “Sorry” and did not tell another word. Everything in the room was calm like nothing happened. I did not leave the room, instead I sat on the next bed (there were two beds in his room). I just wanted to sleep there. He came to me and said “I’m really sorry baby!”. I did not talk for a while and he kept on saying “Will you please talk to me?”. After sometime, I began to speak. I only asked him two questions. “Does she know about us?” was the first question and he said “No”. Eventhough we were together all the time, I assumed that she didn’t know that we were having some kind of an affair. It was a big deal for me and of course he is married, so we kinda kept it a secret. After a long pause I asked my second question. “Was it the first time it happened or it has happened before?”. He said “No. It was the first time”. And yes, I believed him. The way he told me that, with all the heart broken feelings mirrored in his face, I thought he was telling the truth. He said “I’m sorry for being unfaithful to you”. I told him “It’s okay, that’s human nature” and he told me “It’s not human nature. It’s animal nature. I’m sorry baby. I’m really sorry”. He kissed on my lips and asked “Do you still feel for me the same way?”. I don’t know all the feelings he showed me were genuine or not. But from the way he acted, I felt like it was real. By the way, this girl was lying on his bed when all these things happened like she didn’t care and he was lying next to me in the other bed all night, hold me tightly. Before this incident, he has once asked me how I would feel and how I would react if I realize that he was having sex with another one. He took an example and that example was her. I said I don’t know how I would react but I definitely know that I would try to understand you. He said “If you really love me, you would get hurt”. I said “I might, but I will try hard to not to show it”. Little I knew about all that was happening around, but I was right about myself. I acted the same way I thought I would. It seemed like I knew about myself well enough.

After one and half months he left the neighborhood, I lost my phone and this girl gave me her phone to call home (this girl and I talked with eachother even after that incident. In fact I lost the phone while I was doing shopping with her. After that incident, she acted like nothing happened and I just went on with the flow). I called home using her WhatsApp and I saw his messages on her WhatsApp. I know it’s a bad thing to do and it is unethical. But I opened it and read their conversation. For the first time in my life, I was mad at him. I wasn’t hurt. I was just mad. It was not because I realized they’ve had sex. It was the conversation they had about me. Let me write it to you. First, this girl has sent a message saying “I want to see you. Can I come to your place?”. He has replied “I’ve never said not to. You can come”. “But I don’t know where you live” was her next message to him. He has sent his location using google map. (No, I did not open. I just didnt want to know where he lived). Let me continue. She has then asked from him “What can I tell her?”. (That ‘her’ was me. For your information, I don’t fucking ask where she goes. Excuse my language. I get mad when I remember this. Why the hell do I care about where she goes? I don’t know why she asked him that question!). He has replied “You know me. Only you can come.” “What if ur friend tells her?” was her next question. “He won’t. Don’t worry. Tell him that you went to buy something and came here on your way back”. You know which phrase made me angry? “ONLY YOU CAN COME”. The fuck I care? Like I wanted to go there? I was so fucking mad at him. I knew I wanted to talk to him. I knew I wanted to talk to him looking at his face. Next day, I bought a new phone and called him right away to tell him to come and meet me. I wanted an excuse because I have never demanded him to come and meet me. So I told him that I needed my travelling bag because I was supposed to travel on the next day. And I told him that I needed to tell him something too. I was using a very cool and a calm tone, but he knew me. He knew me enough to know that I did not need my travelling bag. He said he has a back pain (he really had a back pain) and he would come some other time. He knew that I used her phone and that I knew everything. I think he wanted to avoid that conversation with me. However, he came. I was in the shop where I bought my phone, and he picked me from there. I asked him to stop the car in a place where I can talk. He stopped the car two blocks away from my apartment building. I looked at him and started to release everything on my mind. I asked him “Have I ever asked to come to your place? Have I ever?” He said “No”. “Then why the fuck you said something like that?”. He knew what I meant and didn’t answer. “I don’t fucking care whether you guys meet or not. I’m not desperate like you two”. And I went on with my speech and after that he started his speech. He admitted that he had sex with her more than once but he said he didn’t have feelings for her. He said it was ‘just’ sex and he did it because she was asking for it so badly. He repeated that no feelings were involved. I don’t know why but he wanted to convince me that he did not have feelings for her. After our conversation, I felt relieved. He dropped me to my place and I said “I just wanted to release what was on my mind. I didn’t want the bag. Just apply some balm to your back”. And before I opened the door I did not forget to say “I love you”. Yes, I know I’m crazy. Even after aaaaallllllll that, I still loved him. I learned that I’m this kind of person. A stupid idiot! And a forgiving asshole!!

I know I have no right to get mad because he had sex with her. And on the other hand, he is a guy who has feelings. Who would turn down an offer to have sex? (I knew she was willing to have sex with him because she has told me that). Eventhough he was with me and said he loved me, I knew he was having sex with some other women (one or more, I don’t know) apart from his wife. But I did not realize that this girl who was with me was one of his sweethearts. He once told me that he cannot share me with anyone. Here I am, sharing him with his legal partner, my colleague and other women whom I have no idea about. What can I do? Nothing. I’m just a useless side chick he owned for a while who did not give him anything other than love. Maybe that’s why he decided to end “whatever the thing” we had.

I know you will have no idea about how I felt. Trust me, it’s hard and it hurts. Getting ‘hurt’ because of love was a new experience for me. He once said “It hurts when you ignore me and talk to my friend. You did not even look at me the whole time”. I laughed at him and said “Why would you get hurt for such a small thing?”. I didn’t realize that people get hurt for things like that and the basis for that pain you feel inside your heart is ‘love’. He made me realize that love indeed hurts. If you were in my situation you would feel it. I fell in love with this man, knowing all the complications in his life. He taught me how to feel love and how to feel everything. But to this date, I don’t know whether he knows the real meaning of love. Honestly I still don’t know whether he truly loved me or not. He said he did and he squeezed all my feelings out and showed me that I could love a stranger. I felt like his love was real. But was it? Eventhough he told me he loved me and he feels for me, I doubt that he really did. I knew from the very beginning that he was never willing to take me to his life. To be honest, I never wanted that as well because in my mind, I was determined to not to get married and to take care of my mom and dad until the end. That was the dying wish I had. I did not want to get married and give my attention to someone else when my parents needed mine. And in this case I never wanted to ruin someone’s marriage either. When I said I would never get married, he once asked me, “If I was not married, would you have married me?”. It was a tough question. I loved this man. I still love him. But my answer was not a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ because I genuinely did not know the answer myself. Instead I told him “Don’t ask me that question”. Because I didn’t know how I would react and I still don’t know the answer.

I remember the first day we kissed. It was 13th June to be exact. And the last day we kissed was 31st January before he moved to his new apartment. Our ‘whatever the thing’ hardly lasted seven months. And do people say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, I gave you another example. You can decide. But for me, 13th is the best day so far in my love life.

Something I saw in this mysterious land was the complicated relationships people have. It was like they were all cursed. Married to one, loving another one and having sex with a totally different one. I once asked one colleague at work who had a complicated relationship about who he truly loved. He showed me a photo of the girl he loved and told me it was her whom he loved. It was not his wife, and he had sex partners other than this girl whom he loved.

I asked from myself “What do these people know about love?”.

I know very little about the man whom I fell in love with. And I don’t know whether his love for me was genuine or not. I felt like it was genuine, although I still can’t clearly figure that out. But I’m pretty sure about my feelings for him.

I don’t have any photos taken with him. We have never snapped a picture together. By the way, that girl has photos taken with him. When I was on vacation, she once sent me a photo to make me feel jealous. I said “Haha. I’m not jealous”. I don’t have anything that I can keep with me to remind him other than his t-shirts which I took to wear at home. They were big and comfortable enough like my dad’s and brother’s t-shirts.

This man once told me not to play with the word ‘love’. I wasn’t the one who was playing with it. Was I? Despite all the damages, I still love him, the same way I used to. ‘Unconditionally’. I was in pain. And I still am when I think of it. But I signed up for it. I know I was wrong to start it but I just ‘fell’ in the dangerous water. Love happens ‘just like that’. The brain I used to get my first class degree in business didn’t work in the subject of ‘love’. It actually worked, but heart was the boss, so I think brain did obey. Or I would like to consider as an excuse and blame my heart for falling in love with a married man.

I don’t care what kind of a person he is. All I know is that he has a beautiful soul and I still love that soul. I don’t know whether he truly loved me or not, but he taught me good lesson in love. We still do talk and we still haven’t officially ended “whatever the thing” we had. Even now, I sometimes get his late night ‘drunk’ calls where he says “I love you”. I’m sure we are ‘done’ and we’ve been ‘done’ since long time ago, but he still confuses me. And my heart has no space for anyone, but him.

This love is not mine, but this love is the one I want to be mine. I wonder how many people are out there, who are in the same situation as me. You never know when you fall in love, how you fall in love and with whom you fall in love. Love happens just like that and the one I encountered made me wonder what ‘love’ really is.


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