Flame tops

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
letter about a guy who had troubles.

Submitted: June 01, 2017

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Submitted: June 01, 2017

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March 23rd 1.34am

I still remember sad night. It was the saddest feeling I've ever felt. I remember his smile, laugh, voice. It was different. He was not like the other kids. He was the leader. Like, the one who liked to be the boss, and get the kids from the neighborhood to come to the garage to be his slaves. He enjoyed staying in garage. It was his kingdom where he was the king. His clothes smelled like the garage. The blonde hair he had, shiny, smelling like a real dude. He didn't care about the rules, he made own ones. He did everything on his own style. He liked to cut his hair by himself. His laughter was something hypnotize. His slaves, the kids from the neighborhood, they always did stupid things to hear even a bit of his laughter. Once he was happy. Something happened.

When he became a teenager, he pierced his face and dyed his hair. He fell in love with music. He was the badass in your class. He also loved to draw. He carried always that black book, that no one knew what was inside. It smelled like cigarettes. He never showed his emotions in school, before he stopped going to there. He didn't listen to teachers, he ignored them completely. In every class he was in, he just wrote down on the book. He got really angry if someone touched it. He didn't speak in school, not even one word. He was "the silent asshole", like other students called him. I didn't.

I found him on the roof of his apartment house. He was smoking, watching the black sky and shiny stars. We were neighbors and I knew he was no happy anymore. He grew up. He liked to write stories on the roof, he said he got really good inspiration there. His voice was unbelievable beautiful. Shame he did't speak much... But he spoke to me. I have read only one of his stories, I couldn't believe how great he was. He didn't smile when I said it was great, he smiled when I said it was really sad.

He didn't study, he just listened to his music, smoked cigarettes and drew on the back of school books. His personality was something unique, and that's why i'm really happy I had him. He was a lonely soul, not sure what should do. He was the black lamb, no one understood him. No one understands the poet. I admired his work. He should have written a book. His beautiful gaze when he looked at me as I was reading his story, those lazy eyes with dark circles, pale face and thin lips.

He didn't like his name. He forced people call him 'C' but only one person could call him by his real name. His girlfriend. Me. We spent lot of time on the roof, thinking about how filthy world is, and how ugly people are. Thinking about no one is perfect or imperfect. And what is weak and what is strong. Watching the stars, smoking a cigarette after cigarette. We threw the flame tops out of the roof, seeing they disappear.

I can still remember like it was yesterday, when he hugged me and whispered "Nothing lasts forever". He said thoughtful things. He was a huge mystery. But still, even he was black clothed outside, his insides were more colorful. He told me about his own world that he had created, how beautiful there is, how nice people live there. Everything was colorful. There was no laws. Everyone could be the one who ever wants. No judge. Sadness was buried under the ground. Everyone was happy there. He wanted to escape with me.

That was when I recognized the bruises from needles on his arms. I should have seen it from his eyes. He was more sadder than I expected. I thought I made him happy. But he was a good actor. He never said he wanted it. It just happened. I remember, I kissed his tasty lips and said "It's okay" when it same time ripped my heart in million pieces. He cried himself to sleep every night. I was there next to him, crying with him. The feelings drowned him. He was sinking all the time deeper. He couldn't swim, but his demons could. He told he was going crazy, but he didn't want to talk about. He hated talking. He hated people. He hated living.

Even I couldn't know how he changed. Maybe he grew up. Or then he went crazy. He drew on his walls weird symbols no one knew what they meant. He didn't want to talk about them. His parents and I talked what should do, but there was no answer. We couldn't save him. He only wanted to have one more night with me, to stay on the roof and watch the beautiful star ocean. He always wrapped himself into my hoodie, hugging and saying how much he loves me.

He was born with a soul that didn't want to be saved. He didn't want to take medication or go to therapy. He just wanted to be what he was. He told me that he can't heal, but he didn't give himself another chance. I couldn't save him. That was the day when he jumped out of the roof, after he said he loved me. First, I couldn't believe it. The great memories, the weekends, movie nights, just chilling on the roof. They were gone in a one second. It didn't matter anymore. It broke my heart. Losing someone that matters more than own life is the worst. Dead soul can't get back. It's gone forever. For the last time when I stepped to his dark room, I found his letter. Or, a drawing actually.

It was his world. And then I understood. He was there right now, at the moment. In his home, with the nice people around him. The colorful flowers under the window that showed the light blue sea. I could just imagine him leaning on the door and watch to the sea with peaceful face. It was what he wanted. He wanted peace, not a war in his head. Unfortunately, he had a war in his head that he couldn't win.

In that sad day, I smoked my last cigarette on the roof, in the same place. Watched the star ocean, thinking how filthy world is. I dragged the smoke deeply into my lungs and watched how beautiful it was when it flew into air. We loved to do that. I threw the flame top, and smiled when it disappeared.

I admired him. A boyfriend is the one you should admire. I learnt to see the world differently. He taught me to live with pain. I know now, he's in safe now. World was too filthy for him. People were too ugly. School was too annoying. He was now living the life he always wanted. Hold on Connor, I'm coming for you.

Love, Juliet


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